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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my son meeting her

31 replies

Teesstar · 16/10/2020 10:06

Ok so I was married for 13 years and divorced this year, we have 2 kids 11 & 16 together.

11 year old is very sensitive and has mental health issues that have got worse with covid and transition to secondary school. He was previously having counselling and we are hoping to get him some more. In touch with school weekly about supporting him and his dad has shown no interest in his wellbeing.

Ex has met a new woman and after less than 2 weeks has moved in with her. (He is a total narc, recovering heroin addict and has been in prison, he love bombed me like this years ago!) anyway son asked to stay with him (at his nanas where ex normally lives - we didn’t know he had moved in with her at this point), he said yes of sorts but he is now saying DS has to meet new partner and there is a bedroom for him to stay over, with covid he has to stay there.

I have said it’s too soon and his MH isn’t great so can we wait a bit longer please.
Ex has triggered me with trauma related stuff in messages and is saying everything was my fault and I am the reason his mental health is damaged.

I have been a damn good parent, worked, studied, give my kids everything I can. Whilst he has stolen from us, gone to prison used drugs, damaged property and is now working and claiming benefits!

Should I just give in and accept it’s going to happen because he will force it to and I have no control over this woman being pushed into his life or do I fight tooth and nail over this and take being called a jealous bitch (ffs like I need that trash in my life!) ??

What would you do? Or how can I deal with this?

Please be kind I am pretty fragile at the moment and overwhelmed with life!

OP posts:
earthycarrots · 16/10/2020 10:08

Your son is at an age where the courts will take what he wants into account. Can you get legal advice and then say no?

Hailtomyteeth · 16/10/2020 10:10

Say no. Quietly, firmly. Explain the situation to your son - you'd like his dad and girlfriend to have been together longer, for the relationship to be stable, before the children get to know her.

Baileyscheesecake · 16/10/2020 10:13

Sorry to hear your dilemma. Could he still stay at his nanna’s as previously agreed? How old is his nana? Is she able to look after your son? Is she sympathetic to your situation? How does your son feel about meeting the new woman and staying in a place he’s never been to before? Flowers

Original poster
Teesstar · 16/10/2020 11:18

His nana is very much for his dad, when DS mentions anything like his dad changing or always being with his new partner she says “well he is happy!” My kids have always come second best to her other grandkids too.

I am ok with DS meeting her in general but only when he is ready and once the relationship is more established.

OP posts:
rorosemary · 16/10/2020 11:20

Personally I'd stop taking him to his grans and wait till he goes to court. I'm quite pro kids knowing their dads but this one sounds like it would do your son hurt at the moment.

blubberball · 16/10/2020 11:26

I understand and I have been in this situation. My ex wanted his new gf in the house and meeting the dc within weeks of us separating. She then moved in with him, the dc got to know her and like her. He then had an affair with another woman, and separated from the gf my dc got to know. Now he's with new gf, got engaged and wants to move in with this one. She has 2 dc of her own, so now our dc get 2 new "siblings". They have officially been together since March this year, but of course were seeing each other long before that. They got engaged in June.
I don't care what he does or who he sees, but it fucks me off when he promises our dc this and that, and they get heart broken too.
Sorry, no proper advice other than to try to get him to keep his romantic life and his dc separate until the relationship is properly established. Good luck Flowers

Sirzy · 16/10/2020 11:30

What does he want to do? At 11 that has to be taken into account and supported by both parents

DrivingMo · 16/10/2020 11:35

You sound like hard work.
You were married to him for 13 years so I'm not sure how you're suddenly all outraged that he was a drug addict and in prison. I assume he hasn't developed this addiction and overcome and served a full prison term in the last few months?!
You don't appear to have any reason at all to suggest that meeting this woman will be harmful to your son. At all. Could you suggest any reason why?
I'd usually say co-parents should run these things by each other but it sounds like you're angry he's moved on so you'd say no to absolutely anything at all. Two weeks is very fast to move in together but it's not actually any of your business.
If you have an actual, genuine reason why you think this might be harmful to your child then tell us but you haven't provided one.

Baggingarea · 16/10/2020 11:41

Regardless of your circumstances this is far too soon for your child to be meeting x-dp's gf. A good compromise might be to stay at Nana's and where your ex can explain he has a gf and get their feelings on when and where they'd be ready to meet her.

S111n20 · 16/10/2020 11:43

Was you together for the 13 years ??

Feelingconfused2020 · 16/10/2020 12:30

*DrivingMo"

You sound like hard work what a load of crap, misogynistic crap as well.i bet you wouldn't say that to a father in the same position. She sounds like someone who cares about her child's wellbeing, meeting someone and moving in with them after two weeks are the actions of an idiot. She has every right to want to protect her son from all that nonsense.

MaskingForIt · 16/10/2020 12:39

How would you feel if your ex tried to control who you saw when you were with your son?

I think if you’re willing to raise children with a jail-going drug addict then the damage is already done. Meeting Dad’s new girlfriend isn’t going to be a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

DrivingMo · 16/10/2020 12:50

@Feelingconfused2020

*DrivingMo"

You sound like hard work what a load of crap, misogynistic crap as well.i bet you wouldn't say that to a father in the same position. She sounds like someone who cares about her child's wellbeing, meeting someone and moving in with them after two weeks are the actions of an idiot. She has every right to want to protect her son from all that nonsense.

I would say exactly the same to a father in the same position. What makes you think this has anything to do with gender?
Original poster
Teesstar · 16/10/2020 15:52

@DrivingMo

You sound like hard work. You were married to him for 13 years so I'm not sure how you're suddenly all outraged that he was a drug addict and in prison. I assume he hasn't developed this addiction and overcome and served a full prison term in the last few months?! You don't appear to have any reason at all to suggest that meeting this woman will be harmful to your son. At all. Could you suggest any reason why? I'd usually say co-parents should run these things by each other but it sounds like you're angry he's moved on so you'd say no to absolutely anything at all. Two weeks is very fast to move in together but it's not actually any of your business. If you have an actual, genuine reason why you think this might be harmful to your child then tell us but you haven't provided one.
Ok so no I don’t think I am “hard work” at all.

I am a mother who after years of abuse finally got the strength to leave this man. Who was emotionally and financially abused, as were her children who having now got my life back refuses to continue to pick up the wreckage he leaves for his children.

I have no issue with him having a partner, no issue if he feels the need to move in with a woman after 2 weeks, but I have the right to protect my child from any further hurt and upheaval.

So yes I was in that marriage with that man but you have no idea of what I had to go through to escape it and the pain my kids have been through.

I asked for gentle reply not to be put down like that and you turning it into me being the one who is hard work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Teesstar · 16/10/2020 15:57

@MaskingForIt

How would you feel if your ex tried to control who you saw when you were with your son?

I think if you’re willing to raise children with a jail-going drug addict then the damage is already done. Meeting Dad’s new girlfriend isn’t going to be a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Exactly... my children have had to cope with enough, all I am asking is for him to give it a bit more time but he is saying our son is being “precious” because he is not ready to fall in line with what he wants. He is a narcissistic through and through. All I want is my son to be happy at the end of the day, I couldn’t care less about what my ex gets up to on his own but when it impacts on my child’s well-being it is my business.
OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 16/10/2020 15:58

It simple, tell your son the situation and how he feels going there. I don't understsnd why you are assuming it will traumatise him.

Some kids might indeed hate it, others wouldn't. He is at an age to express how he feels and say yes or no to it. Maybe that's what your ex is insinuating about him having issues, that you don't let him express himself and do it automatically on his behalf.

AnnaFour · 16/10/2020 16:00

I applaud you for leaving someone who has been so abusive to you.

Do you think it is healthy for your son to be seeing him at all if he is so abusive? I'm also a bit confused about staying with Covid? Do you mean his dad has said if he goes over to this new house where you ex is now staying with the new girlfriend, your son would have to stay put there for a bit?

lyralalala · 16/10/2020 16:00

If your son wants to go then let him go.

If he doesn't want to go then support him in not going.

What does your son say about meeting her and staying there?

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2020 16:04

@lyralalala

If your son wants to go then let him go.

If he doesn't want to go then support him in not going.

What does your son say about meeting her and staying there?

This,

Op, you can’t dictate what your ex does on his time. Or dictate how long he has to be with someone first, he has equal rights to you. It’s shit but there it is, he is the father.

As a pp said, support your son in what he wishes to do. Not what you wish him to do, but what he wishes.

queenMab99 · 16/10/2020 16:23

Drivingmo and maskingForit, I wonder if either of you have any experience of living with a drug addict/alcoholic. If you had you would not be so judgemental, nobody goes into a relationship knowing that their partner is going to spoil their and their children's lives. I am the mother of a 'recovering' addict and try to support my grandchildren and their mother, it is a never-ending saga of hope followed by disappointment.

S111n20 · 16/10/2020 16:23

No it doesn’t have anything to do with op what her ex does or doesn’t do she’s had a lucky escape but the point is you’de of thought the father wouldn’t get a new gf and move her in so fast knowing he has a son who comes over to stay with him. I think 12 is still young to take a situation in like this.

S111n20 · 16/10/2020 16:28

11 sorry

RedMarauder · 16/10/2020 16:38

@lyralalala

If your son wants to go then let him go.

If he doesn't want to go then support him in not going.

What does your son say about meeting her and staying there?

^This

What does your son want?

Your job is to support your son not to dictate what you want in regards to his relationship with his father.

TicTacTwo · 16/10/2020 16:45

What does your son want? He's at an age where he is legally allowed to choose whether or not to see Dad.

Of course you're nervous how this change will affect your son's mh but an important part of divorce is letting go of what your ex does. If your son is happy to go you need to wave him off unless it's dangerous to do so.

Does your son have a phone? Make sure he knows that he can text you at any time and you'll pick him up from wherever no questions asked. I have this system with my teens. If they text me a one letter text it means please reply with a reason why I have to leave and come and get me. They've used it in uncomfortable situations where they don't want to lose face eg people about to go shoplifting and are allowed to use me as an excuse.
I'm guessing that your son still loves his Dad and has a high opinion of him? He's going to need you when he realises what Dad is like and unfortunately this is the age where you can't shield them totally and he sees glimpses of his Dad's "other" side.

I would support your son's decision on this. Not sure what the Corona reference was about but children with split parents could move from house to house in the original lockdown and presumably still can.

TicTacTwo · 16/10/2020 16:47

Yabu to ask him not to introduce his gf yet. Legally it's up to him and some exes will do it just to piss you off. If he was reasonable enough to listen to considered arguments he might not be your ex Wink