To not want my son meeting her

[Teesstar]

Ok so I was married for 13 years and divorced this year, we have 2 kids 11 & 16 together.

11 year old is very sensitive and has mental health issues that have got worse with covid and transition to secondary school. He was previously having counselling and we are hoping to get him some more. In touch with school weekly about supporting him and his dad has shown no interest in his wellbeing.

Ex has met a new woman and after less than 2 weeks has moved in with her. (He is a total narc, recovering heroin addict and has been in prison, he love bombed me like this years ago!) anyway son asked to stay with him (at his nanas where ex normally lives - we didn’t know he had moved in with her at this point), he said yes of sorts but he is now saying DS has to meet new partner and there is a bedroom for him to stay over, with covid he has to stay there.

I have said it’s too soon and his MH isn’t great so can we wait a bit longer please.
Ex has triggered me with trauma related stuff in messages and is saying everything was my fault and I am the reason his mental health is damaged.

I have been a damn good parent, worked, studied, give my kids everything I can. Whilst he has stolen from us, gone to prison used drugs, damaged property and is now working and claiming benefits!

Should I just give in and accept it’s going to happen because he will force it to and I have no control over this woman being pushed into his life or do I fight tooth and nail over this and take being called a jealous bitch (ffs like I need that trash in my life!) ??

What would you do? Or how can I deal with this?

Please be kind I am pretty fragile at the moment and overwhelmed with life!

I dont think your being unreasonable at all OP. If I came on here and said that I'd moved a new man in with me and my child after only being in a relationship with him for 2 weeks I'd be bloody ripped apart. For some reason everyone seems to think that the OP is unreasonable to not want her child to meet his nob head dads new partner after 2 weeks.

I dont think theres anything you can actually do other than express your concerns to DS dad and DS and go from there. If your DS doesnt want to go, then fully support him and do everything in your power to stop this happening.

You dont sound jealous or unreasonable or hard work! You sound like someone who has been through hell and back and finally landed on your feet!

To be honest it sounds like you want to punish your ex for moving on so quickly. Sadly you are using the guise of protecting your son, but I don't see anything that even hints that he would harmed.
You will get plenty of supporters on Mns but that doesn't mean what you are doing is fair to your ex or your DC.

@Cheeseandwin5

To be honest it sounds like you want to punish your ex for moving on so quickly. Sadly you are using the guise of protecting your son, but I don't see anything that even hints that he would harmed. You will get plenty of supporters on Mns but that doesn't mean what you are doing is fair to your ex or your DC.

Absolutely not! I have been in a relationship myself for over a year and I am happy, he was with another woman for 7 months he never cared for her meeting his kids, he was still sleeping with her three weeks ago, now he is on to this new one.

What he does is his business and I have actually said I am happy he is happy and has found some love, but it’s just too soon.

They won’t have even had their first disagreement how do you know someone until you see them in at their best and worst? 2 weeks in they don’t know each other and I am actually concerned about her in a way!

I am not some jealous resentful ex, I just want my son to be happy and included, he will just rock up with her and tell him it’s happening and DS will be so uncomfortable with it and I will have to deal with the tears and upset later.

It’s probably really hard to explain how insecure ex and DS ‘s relationship has been. But this is not helping matters.

@dontdisturbmenow

It simple, tell your son the situation and how he feels going there. I don't understsnd why you are assuming it will traumatise him.

Some kids might indeed hate it, others wouldn't. He is at an age to express how he feels and say yes or no to it. Maybe that's what your ex is insinuating about him having issues, that you don't let him express himself and do it automatically on his behalf.

I have asked DS he said his dad has changed and is making him feel uncomfortable, he said he doesn’t want to meet XXXX or have to stay at her house.

I have suggested that he sees how he feels but only when he feels ready should he go along. I am reassuring him it’s when he is ready not his dad!

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove a name]

@Teesstar

Try to ignore some posts, seems like we have another infiltration!

Just reassure DS he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to. I can't see his father bringing anything good into DS's life, just more problems. Poor kid.

If the twat kicks off, tell him to take you back to court. By the time it gets there DS WILL be given a say in it.
Look after yourself 🌷

Sometimes kids need a bit of time to adjust to the idea before they do something major like meet their parents new partner. Understandable reaction from him and he's doing well verbalizing his feelings which must be complicated right now.
Let him know he can change his mind and if there's someone neutral that he might want to talk to then suggest that they'd be happy to listen. I'm not suggesting you are being biased btw- in my experience when I'd just split from my ex my kids did a lot of telling me what they thought I'd want to hear.