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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about DD

60 replies

TinaTraybake · 15/10/2020 21:10

When I picked up my daughter from school she seemed down, but I know Thursdays aren't good days for lessons at her school according to her and her brother so I just assumed she was a bit bored and would perk up when we got home. Usually my DD (aged 13) and my DS (almost 12) go out skateboarding around the block together when they come home from school. Today when we were back at home I asked when they would go skating and my DD replied with "not today, there's too many people from school around" This is when I started to worry something had happened at school because normally she isn't bothered about what people think and although she doesn't like school, she's never had a problem with the people there. I've asked her if anything has happened today and she's just said she's a little tired. She's been quiet all evening which is really out of the ordinary. I've asked my DS if anything happened today as they go to the same school and he said when he came out of school loads of boys were laughing and he heard a few of them say her name. After we had tea, DD asked if she could stay home tomorrow. When I asked why she said "no reason I'm just a bit fed up of it"
She went to bed 45 minutes ago which is also unusual for her as she's 13, she normally goes to bed at 9. I don't want to nag her about it but there's definitely something up and I'm really worried about her. I'm sure something has happened today that she isn't telling me and I don't know what it could be if she doesn't want to tell me. I'm also debating whether to let her stay at home tomorrow just to rest or if I should make her go to school as usual.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinaTraybake · 15/10/2020 22:13

@LtJudyHopps
My son is in the year younger than her and her school isn't letting year groups mix because of coronavirus so they can't really see each other in school, which is a shame because they are really close. All this uncertainty is horrible, I hope you feel better soon.

OP posts:
Annamaywong25 · 15/10/2020 22:14

I would definitely call the school and speak to them, maybe her tutor?
They need to know something's upset her, whether or not she goes in tomorrow. She may process through it herself and be a lot better in the morning. See what happens, if something has been said to upset her she may be embarrassed to tell you or think you won't understand. Teenagers assume adults were never teenagers themselves Flowers

PriceEmUp · 15/10/2020 22:20

Compromise.

“If you explain to me what has happened, you can stay off tomorrow so that I can help you. We will sort it together, in whatever way you feel comfortable”

ravensoaponarope · 15/10/2020 22:21

Maybe in the morning you could say you will let her stay off school if she tells you what's wrong so that you can help her sort it out?

AdelaideK · 15/10/2020 22:21

I think I'd make her go in tomorrow. She'll spend all weekend worrying and stewing on whatever has upset her otherwise.

If she goes in chances are it will all be fine and she'll be glad she did it.

I don't want to sound harsh as I know exactly how you feel. It's so worrying when you know something is wrong.

If she's still the same after school tomorrow though then I would think differently.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 15/10/2020 22:22

My assumption would be that something embarrassing happened, at which the children were laughing at the end of school, and she doesn’t want to face everyone because of it. Kids can be really horrible, I know only too well.

The problem with allowing her to stay at home tomorrow is that she’ll still have to go in at some point, and in fact it’ll be worse the longer she leaves it, not least because she will be brooding on it and perhaps building it into something bigger in the meantime. It could be that whatever it was has all been forgotten by the morning, but she won’t know that if she’s not there.

If you do let her stay home I would make it conditional on her agreeing to talk about what happened and why it was such a rough day, so you can help her through whatever it was. Just be kind and tell her how sad it makes you to see her upset and sad, and that your first priority is to help her feel better. I used to talk best side by side rather than facing each other, because it’s much less intense; could you take her out for a drive, or pop your 2 year old in the pushchair and go for a walk together, to see if she will open up then?

Original poster
TinaTraybake · 15/10/2020 22:23

I'm thinking if I sent her and DS in he could maybe see her somewhere at break and lunch and check how she's doing. At least then he could let me know what he thought was going on, or still hear things from other kids in the corridors.

OP posts:
PenguinIce · 15/10/2020 22:23

It’s so tough when your dc are upset but they won’t tell you what’s wrong. In the past to get my dc to open up to me I would tell them about my own experiences when I was young ( eg if I thought they were upset over a fall out with a friend, I would tell a story from when I had fallen out with a friend and explain how it made me feel and how it was resolved). Sometimes my ‘stories’ weren’t even true but I found it was a good starting point to get them to talk and helped them to know I had been through something similar and that all problems are fixable.

Original poster
TinaTraybake · 15/10/2020 22:25

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I really do appreciate it

OP posts:
PriceEmUp · 15/10/2020 22:26

One bit of advice is not to use the “if you ignore them they will get bored” line if it’s bullying.

Bullies don’t get bored of bullying. Crack down hard on it.

Cantbreathe2020 · 15/10/2020 22:27

Is definitely keep off and try bargaining with her. I'll let you stay off for a day, if you tell me what happened. It may lead to her feeling more confident in telling you about things going forward.
I really wish I'd been able to talk to my parents about my worries. It would've changed the path of my entire life in my case

Leaannb · 15/10/2020 22:28

Take a day off with her tomorrow and spend some quality time. She will more than likely open up to you then. Kids need me tal health days too

therewillbelies · 15/10/2020 22:36

Kids this age don't like confrontation and don't like to be forced to talk if they don't want to. Could you write her a note and leave it by her bed saying that you think something is wrong and you want to help or just listen. Tell her that talking about it may make her feel better and maybe she can have a day off but you would like to know why? She can always write a note back.
Maybe it will encourage her to share

newnameforthis123 · 15/10/2020 22:40

@therewillbelies

Kids this age don't like confrontation and don't like to be forced to talk if they don't want to. Could you write her a note and leave it by her bed saying that you think something is wrong and you want to help or just listen. Tell her that talking about it may make her feel better and maybe she can have a day off but you would like to know why? She can always write a note back. Maybe it will encourage her to share
I think this is a really lovely idea and you know her best - if this is unusual for her then she's not trying it on, she may need a day off and some time with mum to get her ready to go back on Monday once she's had a bit of space from whatever's happening. You sound lovely and so do your kids!
usernamewastaken · 15/10/2020 22:43

Let her take the day off, what's the worst that can happen by missing one Friday. It'll do her good to have the break. Could be a hormonal onset, maybe she was snubbed by someone she fancies, maybe she is sensitive to all this Covid stuff (you might live in a Tier 2 or 3 area, and it's getting worse and impacting on her), maybe her best friend has been mean to her. Be there for her, demonstrate she can trust you and confide in you, and she may open up. Let's just hope it's normal 13 yo girl issues like period hormones and horrid boys (or girls..). X

DarkDarkNight · 15/10/2020 22:46

Poor thing Sad I had a lot of bad days at school and I would never have wanted to discuss it with my parents. I would have been too embarrassed to talk about a humiliating incident, or my friends leaving me out or whatever it was. It would have meant admitting weakness, or them, knowing I was a bit of a loner, always on the outside never really belonging. I didn’t want them to think that of me. It might be that getting it off her chest would help, but don’t push her if she doesn’t want to talk.

DoTheNextRightThing · 15/10/2020 22:49

I would see how she’s acting in the morning. I know when I have a shit day, sometimes going to sleep and waking up resets me enough to perk back up. So she may be brighter in the morning. But if not, definitely try to find out what happened to upset her.

Giraffey1 · 15/10/2020 22:56

My immediate instinct was that she is perhaps being bullied. One of my friend’s daughters was like this when there’d been a bullying incident at school. Tool a while for her t Orel her mum what had happened, though.

Giraffey1 · 15/10/2020 22:59

Sorry, cat on keyboard!!! Took a while for her to tell her mum what had happened. I’d suggest some gentle coaxing and encouragement - it’s ok to have bad days but that if there’s a reason for them, then ignoring the cause won’t help.

Redlocks28 · 15/10/2020 23:01

If she’s been off SI/waiting for a test result-it won’t go against her attendance so I wouldn’t worry about that.

I’d want to get to the bottom of this.

spongedog · 15/10/2020 23:18

Please dont keep her off. Otherwise Monday will be even worse for her to go in (assuming not halfterm). But your instincts are good - clearly something didnt go right today. Can you walk to school with her?

Feefifo9 · 15/10/2020 23:36

Some nasty things happen in school. I would keep her off and try to get her to open up.

saraclara · 15/10/2020 23:52

The problem with allowing her to stay at home tomorrow is that she’ll still have to go in at some point, and in fact it’ll be worse the longer she leaves it, not least because she will be brooding on it and perhaps building it into something bigger in the meantime. It could be that whatever it was has all been forgotten by the morning, but she won’t know that if she’s not there.

This. It's Friday tomorrow, so it's not really just having one day away from whatever happened. Better to go back and get past whatever it was. Also if she stays home, the incident will get talked about all the more.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2020 02:25

I'd let her have the day off.

Hope all is OK.

NC249 · 16/10/2020 03:15

I would definitely advice speaking with her in the morning and asking what happened. Depending on how upset she is, Is there a way you can encourage her to go into school even if it's for a few hours and tell her if she doesn't feel better to send you a message and you can come and pick her up?