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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should We Help my sister!!

35 replies

ToHellAndWhere · 15/10/2020 20:30

My younger sister is basically a holder, she keeps on asking for help but mum keeps on telling her it’s her responsibility, my sister is a lot younger than myself and she is only 22 and is still living at home with mum, she really wants to get out but unfortunately can’t due to not having a job (not through lack of trying, she’s had 8 job interviews in this year alone, but she never comes away with a job) she is also hoping to gets into university next year. Parent are doing nothing to help my sister and it’s really distressing her who is practically begging for help. Problem is every time sister and mum try and work it out they always end up having a massive argument (with mum it’s her way or the highway). I can’t help as I have a lot going on in my personal life at the moment (I am also technically tier 2, so I shouldn’t be going round anyone’s anyway). It is getting to the state where with my sisters room it’s practically unlivable, she really does try to clear it up but always ends up having a panic attack. Is there anything I can do, should mother really be doing more to help her, or is it my sisters responsibility to just get on with it and clear up.
just for full disclosure my sister has got autism.

YANBU- you and your family should really be trying to get your sister help
YABU- it is your sisters problem she needs to work it out for herself.

OP posts:

ohidoliketobe · 15/10/2020 20:34

Sorry took me a few reads - hoarder? That's a deep rooted psychological issue, is she getting any counselling or mental health support? That sounds like it should be the first line in trying to resolve. I don't have much experience, but if she's a true hoarder rather than just a bit messy, it's not just a case of her getting her room tidied up is it?

Marisishidinginmyattic · 15/10/2020 20:37

Sounds like your mum could be being a bit kinder.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 15/10/2020 20:40

Far too complex to vote on!

Your poor sister.

Ideally your Mum would help and support her and look for the specialist help that is needed.

Arguing with her and shouting at her isn’t going to help at all and could be making things worse.

Are there any autism support charities or organisations that could help, I wonder, and it might be worth starting with her GP over the hoarding as it is a MH condition.

SandyY2K · 15/10/2020 20:42

It sounds like there's more going on with your Dsis like a pp said.

An able-bodied 22 year, free of psychological or emotional issues/distress should be able to tidy their room if they want to.

SandyY2K · 15/10/2020 20:48

I just realised you meant hoarder in your opening post, rather than holder.

Yes...she needs help

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

NotOfThisWorld · 15/10/2020 20:51

Your poor sister, sounds like she's in genuine distress and needs professional help. It doesn't sound like you can practically help but I'm sure being supportive from afar will mean alot to her.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2020 20:54

So your 22 to sister has autism and is hoarding and every time she asks for help, either your Mom says no or it turns into an arguement?

Yes, you all need to be supporting her.
Os there any room at yours to give them all a break?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/10/2020 20:56

Your sister needs help.
Nothing worse than constantly applying for jobs and not getting them, a nagging (concerned) parent who tries to help but where communication breaks down and , dealing with lockdown.
She needs practical help with her room to help kickstart it.
You sound like a good sister and I hope you can help her get the help she needs.
Its not an overnight fix, and she needs some sympathy for that, its like people telling one to lose weight, it takes a while. Can you find some small things and help her chip away at them bit by bit?

Azif · 15/10/2020 21:06

It’s a hard one. Your sister must be very distressed but I imagine your mum might also be struggling to cope.
Perhaps you could facilitate a conversation to explore ways to get your sister professional help.
I hope it all works out ok

ChristmasCantComeSoonEnough · 15/10/2020 21:08

I suspect if she got a job it would help massively with her sense of self worth which might in itself help with her other issues.
Is there anything you could do to support her job seeking, maybe work experience or volunteering to boost her cv?

OhCaptain · 15/10/2020 21:08

Do you mean hoarder, OP?

I’m not sure how much you can help given that she’s still at home.

Do you think she’d see a counsellor?

Shizzlestix · 15/10/2020 21:09

Your mum should be supporting her far more. It’s not your job, but it will become so if you offer. Depends if you are prepared to be in it for the long haul. Your sister sounds like she may always need help.

Sweettea1 · 15/10/2020 21:19

Sounds like your sister is having a hard time right now and needs some support i wouldnt think twice about helping my sister no matter whats going on in the world if she needs me am there thought thats what families where about.

Original poster

ToHellAndWhere · 15/10/2020 21:30

Sorry for the late reply. She keeps on crying every time I ring her on the phone saying please speak to mum, but mum keeps on saying I can’t today I’m busy (to be fair, my sister has been asking for this kind of help since she’s been 15). Tonight she has been especially distraught as we are all in Essex so all going into tier 2, meaning she’s really isolated, so is stuck with her parents who she really has not got a good relationship with. She’s really concerned about her mental health as she can’t see her friends.

However thank you for the people who gave the mind link there are some good helplines and advice on there but I will past on.

OP posts:

DrivingMo · 15/10/2020 21:35

She needs help, but not from you. She needs to see a professional - this isn't something you can fix and you might make it worse if you try.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2020 21:36

Your dsis has been asking for help for the past 7 years. Did your mum give / get her any? Did she or someone teach your dsis the skills required to sort herself out?

Your mum sounds at the end of her tether and not in the right frame of mine to help. I am just wondering what practical support your dsis has been offered in the past. In the advent of FaceTime / Skype etc, can you help remotely?

Nottherealslimshady · 15/10/2020 21:37

God your poor sister. She's clearly really struggling but her familys too busy to help her?

Yes OP you should be helping your crying sister with her mental health issues. As should her mother. She needs counselling and help to clear the mess she begging for help with.

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/10/2020 21:37

Your sister definitely needs help and support but to be fair, your mum probably does too. Hoarders are not easy to help or live with, and your sister's asd means that finding suitable help will be both difficult and/or expensive, esp at the moment.

VintageStitchers · 15/10/2020 21:40

Your poor sister.
It sounds like the hoarding and untidiness could be directly related to her autism condition?
Does your mum accept the diagnosis or does she think your sister is being lazy?
Sadly, women are expected to be naturally tidy and when it’s something you struggle with, you often don’t get the support you need, as I know from bitter experience.

With regards to the job interviews, it might just be down to luck because lots of people are chasing fewer jobs at the moment. Could you offer your sister some coaching sessions to help her practice her interview technique?

Littleposh · 15/10/2020 21:54

Your sister has a form of OCD and the best way to help her is to get her professional help and give her a LOT of support. The atmosphere with your mother sounds toxic and it is only going to make things worse. Is there anywhere else that she can go to be supported and looked after??

2toe · 15/10/2020 21:54

Your sister needs help, does she have a support worker, is there a care and support plan in place for her transition in to adult life, does she have social work involvement? Your sister should still be able under the responsibility of your local authority until she is 25 and be able to access help, she may just need support to do this.
The national autistic society, Autism works, Base, Autism Initiatives all have websites and are excellent sources of help and information.

user1471457751 · 15/10/2020 22:25

You mention parents but all your criticism is aimed at your Mum- what has your dad done to help?

Your sister needs professional help if she's a hoarder. You're parents can't cure her. And them helping her to sort it out repeatedly is clearly not fixing the issue. Please don't be too hard on your Mum - living with a hoarder can be incredibly difficult

Unsure33 · 15/10/2020 22:30

Would your sister be considered vulnerable? In which case I think you should help

Bid876 · 15/10/2020 22:36

You obviously have a lot of empathy for your sister and understand your mother. If your sister has asked for help that’s a huge thing, your mum, no matter what should be helping her (unless there is more going in than we know). As a mum of 3, granted mine are younger, I wouldn’t be saying I’m busy to my child asking for help.

Also being rejected for jobs is so hard, even for the most educated and experienced of people, a 22yo struggling with home issues It must be horrible. I’d be reassuring her that it’s no reflection on her (unless you believe it is) and telling her now is a very hard time for everyone everywhere with Covid impacting everyone and lots of people are struggling to secure work..

I don’t understand if your sister lives in your parents house and they have a problem with her hoarding why they won’t sort it out, even for basic health reasons. My children’s rooms and their privacy is theirs, to a point if the room is in my house.

If she’s calling you for help, would she let you talk to others on her behalf mindsmatters or her GP? Could you send her one of those folding skip bags and ask her to put one thing a day in it, more if she’s up to it??? Another idea, is drop some plastic containers outside, prelable them for her to put things in each day. I personally hate throwing anything away but I find it very therapeutic to store things away in containers and label them.

Mydogmylife · 15/10/2020 22:38

Of course you should help!!! She's been asking for help for years by the sound of it and your mum sounds like she definitely could be kinder! You might not be the best people to help but surely you could spend some time getting her to professionals who can !

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