Should We Help my sister!!

[ToHellAndWhere]

My younger sister is basically a holder, she keeps on asking for help but mum keeps on telling her it’s her responsibility, my sister is a lot younger than myself and she is only 22 and is still living at home with mum, she really wants to get out but unfortunately can’t due to not having a job (not through lack of trying, she’s had 8 job interviews in this year alone, but she never comes away with a job) she is also hoping to gets into university next year. Parent are doing nothing to help my sister and it’s really distressing her who is practically begging for help. Problem is every time sister and mum try and work it out they always end up having a massive argument (with mum it’s her way or the highway). I can’t help as I have a lot going on in my personal life at the moment (I am also technically tier 2, so I shouldn’t be going round anyone’s anyway). It is getting to the state where with my sisters room it’s practically unlivable, she really does try to clear it up but always ends up having a panic attack. Is there anything I can do, should mother really be doing more to help her, or is it my sisters responsibility to just get on with it and clear up.
just for full disclosure my sister has got autism.

YANBU- you and your family should really be trying to get your sister help
YABU- it is your sisters problem she needs to work it out for herself.

Is the problem that your sister asks for help but in the past when your mother has tried to help and tidy and throw things away your sister throws a wobbly so your mother isn’t doing it this time as your sister just shouts and argues with her.

Outside help is what needs to happen now.

If your sister is a hoarder then some help is needed before she goes to uni otherwise she will struggle

She might find that her home life (which sounds very stressful and quite unsupportive) is a contributing factor to her mental health and may find the hoarding symptoms lessen when she goes to university. The sister probably doesn’t have much control over many aspects of her life living at home with a mother who sees it as “my way or the highway” and that can contribute to hoarding behaviour.

Although, obviously, the influence of COVID over university atm might affect how much her stress goes down when she moves out.

What is she hoarding? Is it new purchases, or things like takeaway boxes, empty pop bottles? Is it just her own room? Is it items she feels have value to her, or just that's she's for whatever reason physically unable to clear them out? When she's asking for help is she willing for someone to go in her room and just tip it all into bin bags? Or does she feel she'll struggle to part with items? If she's hoping to just 'escape' it by moving out would she be wanting to take it all with her, or just walk away from it?

is a mental health illness she cant sort it out herself its been going on for years

you have to step in and help her

She needs help
Start by getting her to a doctor. Hoarding is a manifestation of a serious mental heath issue. She needs a professional to sort that out.
She does also need help with a physical reset of her space. It’s not enabling her. It’s helping her address her condition. I would pick a date, hire a skip if it’s enough stuff, and help her sort through. There are guides online for tackling hoarder spaces. Depending on how bad it has gotten there may be safety issues so do read up.

My autistic daughter s the same age. She struggles to tidy her room and she isn't a hoarder. She just doesn't know where to start, with any task. Try breaking it down into small steps, and tackling one at a time. Help her with each step and don't expect too much at once. As others have said, she probably needs some specialist help, but in my experience it will need to be adapted for her autism and offered by someone who understands how her brain works. Start with the National Autistic Society, or your local branch. Your local authority should also have a department which helps with employment for those with autism and other SEN.

Help should not be in the form of clearing it up - it's extraordinarily difficult for people to support their family in throwing hoarders items a way. It's bound to end in disaster.

Your family should be trying to support her gently - and ask her what she needs and try and help in a way that protects their own boundaries.

EG Paying for a regular cleaner, offering a nice clean room and dinner once a week at their home, agreeing to spend 30 minutes just taking out some rubbish, hiring a skip or whatever.

Autistic people love structure and are often on the OCD side of things. Sounds like your mum isn't able to help and that it is falling to you. Perhaps you could spend an afternoon a week helping her, with masks and sanitiser as necessary.

My daughter (only a tiny bit younger than your sister) has autism and tends to hoard things, her room gets messy (it is her space, we are not allowed in there without her permission, so I can't go in and clean it).

What we find helps (recommended by CAMHs) is to make her a list. A really basic list; for example:

1). Pick up dirty plates, take to kitchen and put in sink.
2). Pick up dirty clothes, put in laundry basket in hallway.
3). Etc... ... ...

My daughter is highly intelligent (selective school yada, yada) but can't follow a logical path and the mess is overwhelming to her. I suspect your sister is facing the same issues. It needs breaking down into tiny steps and practically spelt out; writing "tidy dirty clothes" isn't helpful when overwhelmed - it needs every single step to tidy those clothes away.

If you can do something like that. In writing is better than verbalizing.

I would consider the help she needs to be of caring responsibilities; there was a caveat for that - not sure now in Tier 2 (I'm in Tier 2 and trying to get my head round what we can and can't do again) but worth looking into if you want to go and help her in person.

I was going to say something very similar to @ThatDamnScientist, "My daughter (only a tiny bit younger than your sister) has autism and tends to hoard things, her room gets messy (it is her space, we are not allowed in there without her permission, so I can't go in and clean it).

What we find helps (recommended by CAMHs) is to make her a list. A really basic list; for example:

1). Pick up dirty plates, take to kitchen and put in sink.
2). Pick up dirty clothes, put in laundry basket in hallway.
3). Etc... ... ...

My daughter is highly intelligent (selective school yada, yada) but can't follow a logical path and the mess is overwhelming to her. I suspect your sister is facing the same issues. It needs breaking down into tiny steps and practically spelt out; writing "tidy dirty clothes" isn't helpful when overwhelmed - it needs every single step to tidy those clothes away.

If you can do something like that. In writing is better than verbalizing.

I would consider the help she needs to be of caring responsibilities; there was a caveat for that - not sure now in Tier 2 (I'm in Tier 2 and trying to get my head round what we can and can't do again) but worth looking into if you want to go and help her in person."

I was wondering if the situation was overwhelming her more than it being driven by hoarding. If it something like this may well help to get at least some reduction in the size of the clutter and mess.