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Original poster

To feel so hurt and think I've been used by friend?

48 replies

Igglepigglesmiggle · 14/10/2020 21:43

To give a bit of background, I met this woman as our children were friends from school. I have helped her out in the past on various occasions.

During lockdown, I invited her and her daughter out on days out with us, as she is a single parent and I was worried she wasn't seeing anyone. She always said she'd had a great time and was very thankful.

Then it came to the summer, she asked one day if I could have her daughter on the days she was working. I work part time and was looking after my own three daughters, so it was a big ask, but I moved around my own work so I could accommodate her.

Everything was great, we'd had a nice few months, I'd helped them out with a few other things, etc. However, I had mentioned to DH that I was worried that it was a one-sided relationship. She never invited my daughter over to her house and didn't seem to contact me unless she needed help. DH said not to worry, he was sure it wasn't on purpose, and that I was doing a good thing.

However, since school started back, she has said hi a handful of times but if I'm standing in the playground, she will walk past me and stand somewhere else. Even worse, she will stand next to me, a metre away, but not say anything to me.

It is so confusing/upsetting. I know for definite that it can't be anything I've done as I haven't seen/spoken to her. I'm just feeling terrible about the whole thing. I just wanted to do something nice for someone but now I feel like I've been used.

OP posts:
WhatNameToChooseNow · 14/10/2020 21:45

User for sure

Alexindiamondarmour · 14/10/2020 21:46

I hear you OP, this happens to me a lot.
Just to cover all bases, how old is her child. You didn’t maybe say something to your DH while the child was at your place and they overheard? That’s the only thing I can think of other than the fact the woman has used you for what she needed and now is moving on. Which hurts. I understand!

Original poster
Igglepigglesmiggle · 14/10/2020 21:47

@Alexindamondarmour No, definitely not. Her child is 5. I would never have said anything as I have nothing to say.

OP posts:
IKEA888 · 14/10/2020 21:48

oh what a shame. I think you should phone her and have a frank conversation.
hope it sorts out ok

Curiosity101 · 14/10/2020 21:49

It sounds like you had a feeling quite a while ago that she might be a bit of a user? You may well be right, it certainly sounds like it based on what you say.

You can't change the past, you sound like a nice person who helped someone out at a time where you could. That's a good thing. But if you're not happy with the arrangement, and it doesn't sound like you are, then there's nothing wrong with you saying no to her from now on.

Original poster
Igglepigglesmiggle · 14/10/2020 21:50

It's not so much that I think I need an explanation. It's more the fact that I can't imagine ever treating anyone like that myself. ConfusedBlush

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 14/10/2020 21:50

You did nothing wrong by helping someone in need. But don't help her out again. Now that would make you out to be a mug.

Shizzlestix · 14/10/2020 21:52

User. Ignore her.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/10/2020 21:54

Thats horrible. She would be getting completely blanked by me from now on. I would never speak to her again.

Alexindiamondarmour · 14/10/2020 21:57

@Igglepigglesmiggle yep then in that case she’s a definite user.

As a PP said, you were nice to help her out when she needed it. But please catch on a lot earlier than I did and don’t become the mug that gets used by people because you’re just too nice and don’t say no.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/10/2020 22:01

Nasty cow. I'd avoid her from now on, OP, you lovely soul.

HairlessChinnyChinChin · 14/10/2020 22:07

Nothing wrong with wanting an explanation!! I think from your OP that you actually do, otherwise you would have shrugged it off and not posted.
So ask her, you've nothing to lose

LadyWithLapdog · 14/10/2020 22:10

You sound very nice, OP. The only thing I’d say is that she might feel having your 3 over overwhelming when she’s used to just her own child. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour, even if she wants to keep her 2m distance in the playground.

Original poster
Igglepigglesmiggle · 14/10/2020 22:12

@ladywithlapdog no, only one of my daughter's is her daughter's age. She has never been invited over. This person also never reciprocated on days out or anything really at all...

OP posts:
ihaveanidea33 · 14/10/2020 22:14

You sound so lovely and I feel so sad she's treated you this way. Just ignore her and try and move past it, obviously not a genuine person. Please don't stop being you though, I don't know you but from the way you write.. You are the type of person the world needs more of :)

Beautiful3 · 14/10/2020 22:36

At least now you know what shes like. Yes It sounds very one sided and you have been used. Best thing you can do is to ignore her, and no more favours for her.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/10/2020 22:39

To feel so hurt and think I've been used by friend?

You have definitely been used. And YANBU for feeling hurt. But don't let it eat away at you, draw a line under it and let it go.

She'll find someone else to leech off soon.

Apple31419 · 14/10/2020 22:51

Hi, just the benefit of the doubt here.
I can be fairly shy and awkward and was also a single parent in need, infact my friends helped me out too and I was very grateful... But I was never in a position to help back.

Its mortifying to be like that. It could be that she feels bashful and maybe a little ashamed and doesn't know what to do on the playground.
Perhaps she is standing near you in the hope you'll initiate a conversation?
I know its not nice but sometimes when you're under a lot of stress it can be hard to act normally or be social, especially when tired and if you don't get adult contact normally.

I was still okay, I still have my friends and was eventually able to help them too later on. But I can sympathize with being in a situation where you're reliant on hello, you don't want to be etc etc

Of course I don't know the full picture here but I'm just speculating incase this is the issue.

MzHz · 14/10/2020 22:57

However, since school started back, she has said hi a handful of times but if I'm standing in the playground, she will walk past me and stand somewhere else. Even worse, she will stand next to me, a metre away, but not say anything to me.

Shock 2m away, surely!

GrinGrin sorry, couldn’t resist

You’ve been used for sure. Chalk it up as experience and don’t let it get to you, it made things a little better for you in places and now you’re back to normal pre-user friend life.

I know. It hurts. Don’t feel bad, you did a lovely thing for a unlovely person. Your conscience is clear.

YouokHun · 14/10/2020 22:59

@Igglepigglesmiggle

It's not so much that I think I need an explanation. It's more the fact that I can't imagine ever treating anyone like that myself. ConfusedBlush
Aren’t you glad you can’t imagine treating others so badly? Ignore her and don’t let her live rent free in your head. Usually these people have form and you’d probably find that there was someone before you treated the same and someone else about to get the same from her. Her behaviour is a reflection on her self-centredness not on you. I bet you have other lovely friends who wouldn’t dream of doing that - stick with them.
liveitwell · 14/10/2020 23:01

Is it possible she hasn't reciprocated because she is embarrassed of her home and hasn't got the money for more days out?

You were kind, but it doesn't sound like you viewed it as a friendship, it sounds a bit like charity to me. You did it because she's single, it would be a good thing, you wanted to help... Rather than you liked her company.

Maybe she felt the power divide and doesn't feel comfortable. If it was never a friendship then I'm not sure it's worth clinging onto anything now. Just move on.

Anordinarymum · 14/10/2020 23:07

@liveitwell

Is it possible she hasn't reciprocated because she is embarrassed of her home and hasn't got the money for more days out?

You were kind, but it doesn't sound like you viewed it as a friendship, it sounds a bit like charity to me. You did it because she's single, it would be a good thing, you wanted to help... Rather than you liked her company.

Maybe she felt the power divide and doesn't feel comfortable. If it was never a friendship then I'm not sure it's worth clinging onto anything now. Just move on.

This is exactly what I am thinking. Not friends. Maybe she got a vibe that OP was being patronising or expecting gratitude by way of reciprocating when she was unable to do so. Easier to do nothing at all and that includes being friendly.
yarrowsparrow · 14/10/2020 23:08

I’m a LP who gets v v tired and isn’t always in a position to help back/has home that’s pretty shabby and embarrassing. I’d still manage to muster a conversation in the playground! She’s treated you badly OP.

Kalula · 14/10/2020 23:47

Did your DH have a word to her by any chance and she has taken it the wrong way and thinks you're upset with her? And DH knows he made things worse so won't fess up to trying to talk to her?

Ariela · 15/10/2020 00:46

I'm not you, but next time she stood 1m away without speaking, I'd gently ask 'Have I done something to upset you? or did your DD not enjoying coming to spend time with us over the holidays? Only you seem to be avoiding me?'