To feel so hurt and think I've been used by friend?

[Igglepigglesmiggle]

To give a bit of background, I met this woman as our children were friends from school. I have helped her out in the past on various occasions.

During lockdown, I invited her and her daughter out on days out with us, as she is a single parent and I was worried she wasn't seeing anyone. She always said she'd had a great time and was very thankful.

Then it came to the summer, she asked one day if I could have her daughter on the days she was working. I work part time and was looking after my own three daughters, so it was a big ask, but I moved around my own work so I could accommodate her.

Everything was great, we'd had a nice few months, I'd helped them out with a few other things, etc. However, I had mentioned to DH that I was worried that it was a one-sided relationship. She never invited my daughter over to her house and didn't seem to contact me unless she needed help. DH said not to worry, he was sure it wasn't on purpose, and that I was doing a good thing.

However, since school started back, she has said hi a handful of times but if I'm standing in the playground, she will walk past me and stand somewhere else. Even worse, she will stand next to me, a metre away, but not say anything to me.

It is so confusing/upsetting. I know for definite that it can't be anything I've done as I haven't seen/spoken to her. I'm just feeling terrible about the whole thing. I just wanted to do something nice for someone but now I feel like I've been used.

Hi Op you sound a genuine lovely person your intuition was totally correct,unfornately you have the unpleasant shitty experience of coming across one of life "Users" who think of kindness as a weakness, that kind of person as her can sense who is a mug ,like a shark can detect a small amount in ocean, its happened to me too, its one of those learning curves in life, You Just Be more selective in life who you be friendly ,helpful, it doesn't cost Anything for her to be sociable and say thank you to you,she could easily bake a cake or even just buy a something from a charity shop or even just ask you if you fancy a cup of coffee an a cake or snack or even buying a card to say Thank you, or making one,All these ideas are cheap but its thought that counts ! (The end of the Day she was lucky to come across someone who offered her free help an support for her young family,(I totally disagree with the people on here who have said you were patronising and Condenscening What Bullshit some People come out with these days, Op You deserve to be treated a lot better than this woman treated you,thankfully in this life there is more kinder people out than Life's Users/Arseholes who are only interested in people for what they can get out of them,I really Can not stand people like that woman you helped before, An I wish the people who accused you of being patronising an condensending to stop talking through their maximus glutmous/their Bums !

@IKEA888

oh what a shame. I think you should phone her and have a frank conversation. hope it sorts out ok

I think this is a good idea tbh. There must be some reason surely OP.

It could be that she feels bashful and maybe a little ashamed and doesn't know what to do on the playground.

^

But she's not bashful when asking for free childcare? Yeah, reet

Fuck that op, don't let her walk over you again

Hi Op At the end of the day she took advantage of your nice nature ,if you give certain people in inch they take a mile, i Also think you seriously need to sort out boundaries so you don't unwitting allow yourself to be taken as a mug like that again, certain people on here mumsnet an in life in general,like to be Judgemental and be proper know it Alls,(well think they do, You know the ones on here this thread who were talking out of their bums Accusing you of being Patronising etc to this woman who you helped before, But we All know that if Any of these woman or men on Mumsnet who say those kinds of things about you,if someone dared ever to treat of them in the same manner as this obnoxious woman treated you before, they would be uproar about it and well pissed off saying how dare she treat me like that whowho hell does she think she is treating me like a mug like that, so I say to these people who have the Audacity to say you were being patronising etc to her, i say How Dare they say things like when they wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour themselves and would be first ones slagging her off,and bitching about her behind her back,and telling,and would be giving their a piece of their mind to her,about what they thought of her if she treated Any of them Badly,what a bunch of hyprocites some people are on mumsnet here ! I find people who are hypocritical people really irrtating get right under my skin.

She was never a friend OP. It was a liberty from day one to even ask in the first place if you could look after her child!

I would ask her if you have done something to upset her though so there’s no misunderstanding here.

Unfortunately OP, sounds like you have just been used.

You were very kind to do all you did.

I'm kind of trying to think up legit reasons why she might behave like that because even users usually try to keep up some level of pretence when it isn't that much effort (and how much effort is it to have a quick playground chat?). If anything it's inpolitic of her because it means you won't be available for favours in the future.

@NotOfThisWorld That's the strange thing. She seems to be the sort to keep up appearances, so I'd have thought she'd at least have pretended to be friendly for a few weeks .

I suppose it wasn't just that she never reciprocated days out (free) or playdates (also free). It's that she never did ANYTHING at all, which made it particularly one-sided. She would never message me first, or just to check if I was doing ok, like other friends do.

Regardless of this, at the very least she could muster a polite hello when she sees me.

Op you sound lovely. I have been where you are many times, sadly.

I have grown a thicker and harder skin now, i put so much in, nothing ever reciprocated. I am sure people have their reasons for doing this but it appears to me it is always the nice people who receive the brunt. I am not suggesting you thicken your skin, unless you want to. I called some out on it in later yrs and at the time and again i do not recommend that, unless you have nerves of steel and can face people, which i now have.

I am quite old and bitter now with people. I , like you , are friendly and outgoing. I always initiated and helped out in the hope of forming new friendships/mum company /neighbours etc. It never worked out that way, people took from me and never gave back.

I have accepted that there are not many like me ( and like you, kind and like to be around people) and have now accepted that some people, especially sch mums are not there to win friends and influence people , unless you can benefit them in some way. Next time she asks you for childcare ( and she will, could take yrs) find your thumb on yr right hand, count two fingers in and show her that!

Stay cordial for now as these types often are popular in sch playgrounds. Don't cut yr nose off to spite yr face.You are right to be hurt, console yourself , be nice to yourself, be strong and unaffected around her. Learn to say no and decide yr boundaries and put them in place.

She will come undone one day, using biaatches like her always do. One thing i have learnt from getting older! I hope you are there to see it, i was on a few occasions!

All the best to you OP.

Some people are just awful I'm afraid...I know a girl who started volunteering at the local church last year, lovely, kind minister paid for a spa day for her and htb, arranged childcare, arranged a free wedding car and didn't charge for the wedding service...wedding over, no more volunteering!

I'm amazed on an almost daily basis by the way some people behave but I don't stop doing what I think is right, it's easy to become jaded but as long as you know you can put your hand up to being a good person that's more important

@Igglepigglesmiggle "I always initiated and helped out in the hope of forming new friendships/mum company /neighbours etc. It never worked out that way, people took from me and never gave back"

My above comment from my post is key i think. I did all this in the hope of making friends and hoping to spend time with people and less time on my own. Problem is they had all the friends and family they needed. I was there and avail to help them out, when it suited them, without all the friendship element. Took me a number of years to see this.

@Apple31419 "I was still okay, I still have my friends and was eventually able to help them too later on".

I think this is the crux here apple. You "still had yr friends". Maybe OP does not. I personally relocated 100's of miles away from my friends and family. I was trying to make new ones. It was impossible as everyone i met had all the friends and family they needed locally. I was used for childcare and their boredom days! Took me yrs to see it.

Moving away or being a new mum at sch, when all your peers and friends are not at that stage yet, is hard. People ,with all they need around them ,forget there are others who are isolated and alone.

I do not know what the answer is but it is people like OP and I and others who feel the hurt from these kinds of actions and interactions.

I wonder if she will contact you at half term and request help for looking after her daughter?

what a bunch of hyprocites some people are on mumsnet here ! I find people who are hypocritical people really irrtating get right under my skin

And I FiNd peopLE who Put random cApitals in to senTences get right under mY skiN toO

@BloggersBlog eh?

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi Op At the end of the day she took advantage of your nice nature ,if you give certain people in inch they take a mile, i Also think you seriously need to sort out boundaries so you don't unwitting allow yourself to be taken as a mug like that again, certain people on here mumsnet an in life in general,like to be Judgemental and be proper know it Alls,(well think they do, You know the ones on here this thread who were talking out of their bums Accusing you of being Patronising etc to this woman who you helped before, But we All know that if Any of these woman or men on Mumsnet who say those kinds of things about you,if someone dared ever to treat of them in the same manner as this obnoxious woman treated you before, they would be uproar about it and well pissed off saying how dare she treat me like that whowho hell does she think she is treating me like a mug like that, so I say to these people who have the Audacity to say you were being patronising etc to her, i say How Dare they say things like when they wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour themselves and would be first ones slagging her off,and bitching about her behind her back,and telling,and would be giving their a piece of their mind to her,about what they thought of her if she treated Any of them Badly,what a bunch of hyprocites some people are on mumsnet here ! I find people who are hypocritical people really irrtating get right under my skin.

@namechangesecretidentity - the wild abandonment of capital letters just threw my brain off course

I would have to say something, mainly because I'm nosey and would want to know what her problem is

@BloggersBlog "the wild abandonment of capital letters just threw my brain off course"

Well some people have points to make but not involved in capital letters and key board autocorrects. Does not lessen their advice. You understood fully what the poster said, you chose to be aggy.

You have offered nothing to advance the op.

You may be more suited to pendants corner.

Ta da darling !

@Igglepigglesmiggle I've never been THAT person who tries to come up with a bonkers and left field justification for bad behaviour, but... is there a chance she could be face blind?

I agree it's more likely she's just a bit of a cow, but I'm terrible with faces and I sometimes greet people non-committally or hover near them in the hope that they'll confirm their identities

Still wouldn't excuse not having your DD over, but it might explain some of it.

I would ask her if I had upset her in some way. I would want her to know that I had noticed her behaviour to me was 'off'.
Unless she could come up with a reason for her behaviour eg, (and im not suggesting for one minute that this is the case) your husband is making eyes at her, I'd be out of her life.
At least you have found out now at the start of primary and not when your girls are 11 and you have been doing free childcare for 6 years.

This has happened to me too.

I felt stupid and I had thought we were friends but as soon as she stopped needing me she dropped me like a sack of shit.

One of life's users... It's her loss that she doesn't value lovely people like you. What a sad life to lead xx

Can you say hello to her or text her to say hi and see what she says or even "hi, haven't heard from you in a while?" unless there's a reason like she's shy or awkward then she sounds like a user

If you are comfortable giving her a call then even better but if it's just a few occasions or a few weeks then it could be nothing

Don't help her again unless she does something to indicate this is a two way friendship

but I moved around my own work so I could accommodate her

You need tougher boundaries OP.....