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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how people are naturally kind?

28 replies

jennieblack0412 · 13/10/2020 21:22

and how i can be one of those people? of course i'm not aggressive, violent, a bitch etc. but i have to constantly remind myself to be nice to people, to help someone out etc. it just doesn't click naturally in my head that i should be doing it, i have to make an effort to do it. can i train myself to do it?! genuinely curious.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 13/10/2020 21:28

My default is to offer help and then give it. I examine how I would feel in that exact situation . But I do make close friendships quickly. My neighbour has been here for 6wks and I have given her milk, eggs, lent her my hammer. It's not hard - people normally say what they need if you're close enough. Maybe it's the forming of relationships which is hard for you? I don't know...

Royalbloo · 13/10/2020 21:29

Having said that, if it's not 'you' and doesn't make you happy then crack on - there's no wrong or right here x

JovialNickname · 13/10/2020 21:31

It is happy people who are naturally kind. Think how much nicer everyone is to each other on holiday. I think to be a nicer person you have to focus on being happy yourself (although it seems counter intuitive)

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 13/10/2020 21:33

Do you have kids? I don't and I'm sure that's the reason I'm kind, I've had sleep, I've got more energy, more head space and I'm not being forced to stop myself from throttling my offspring when they throw a tantrum.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 13/10/2020 21:34

BTW I'm not implying that parents aren't kind but they have way more stuff to handle on a day to day basis.

BBCONEANDTWO · 13/10/2020 21:35

@jennieblack0412

and how i can be one of those people? of course i'm not aggressive, violent, a bitch etc. but i have to constantly remind myself to be nice to people, to help someone out etc. it just doesn't click naturally in my head that i should be doing it, i have to make an effort to do it. can i train myself to do it?! genuinely curious.
It sounds to me like you are already training yourself to do by reminding yourself to be nice to people and even thinking about it - so you're doing great already I think.
Clearthinking · 13/10/2020 21:35

Smile at everyone, say hello, open doors, let people in driving, give to charity, let peor go in front of you at the supermarket check out. Say thank you. Offer to run people (a lift) but don't lend money, you never get it back and causes bad blood. Remember birthdays, put it in your calendar and post a card. Above all rise above all the pathetic idiots, trust me I have my fair share, don't slag people off or back chat. Don't lie. Be honest and try and be postive. I had a neighbour I did everything for before she went in a home. Shopping, fetched her fish and chips, walked her dog, took her Drs etc. You need to get a good feeling about helping someone. If you don't want to, don't, don't worry. Just don't make things worse.

Notthetoothfairy · 13/10/2020 21:36

I’m going to go against the grain here and say you are already naturally kind. Unkind people don’t remind themselves to be kind or helpful, they just aren’t.

jennie0412 · 13/10/2020 21:37

@CandlesBlanketsandTea

Do you have kids? I don't and I'm sure that's the reason I'm kind, I've had sleep, I've got more energy, more head space and I'm not being forced to stop myself from throttling my offspring when they throw a tantrum.
nope, no kids! i'm still a student actually! Blush i live at home, no special responsibilities that other people my age don't have either!
ReneeRol · 13/10/2020 21:37

I think some people are just born that way. My daughter is very kind and soft. I don't know where she got it from.

Clearthinking · 13/10/2020 21:37

I'm no saint and I don't want to think I know what I'm doing. You sound like your finding your feet don't worry xx

rainbowninja · 13/10/2020 21:39

Being kind to other people is meant to be good for us so maybe you could look at it like that, you'd be doing something for yourself too!

doadeer · 13/10/2020 21:39

Hmm it depends what you consider kindness. For me I suppose it comes from basing your thinking on how other will be feeling and what would make them feel better, then weighing up if it's in your control to do this.

Kindness can be small things - giving someone who looks like they are having a bad day a smile. Or offering to help someone who is struggling. Or more thoughtful like a little card for a friend or family having a tough time. Or understanding someone needs to talk. I guess it's taking yourself out of the equation and doing an act based on how it would make someone else feel.

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 21:39

My granny used to say

‘Your either a giver or a taker’

And it’s true.

Lifeis10percent · 13/10/2020 21:42

Mine isnt real kindness. It comes from growing up in an abusive household and feeling like I didn't matter so everyone else mattered more and I was/am now terrified of upsetting people so I'm kind to everyone naturally. I've had to train myself out of it because it doenst do me or those I'm close to any good whatsoever.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/10/2020 21:42

I’m naturally a kind person, I’m not being arrogant but people say it about me often, I try and ask people how their day is and make conversation, I tell people they look nice, try to find common interests and offer help when I think someone might need it.

Babdoc · 13/10/2020 21:42

OP, surely your parents raised you with good ethical principles and a concern for your fellow humans?
Didn’t you absorb it at Sunday school and church, or school assemblies? Love your neighbour as yourself, and love God, are the only two commandments Christ gave us.
I think it’s hard wired into most of western society, which is why it comes automatically to most people. Just look at all the volunteering and charity fund raising and good deeds that people do, out of innate kindness. You probably do more than you think, without noticing.

TheNavigator · 13/10/2020 21:43

Some people just are. My youngest DD is so kind. My lovely granny was the kindest lady - my DD reminds me of her. The rest of us are decent moral people, but those 2 have a real quality of natural kindness that I think us innate. People are just drawn to DD and she always has time for them. Just being with her makes you feel happier. She was born that way, I think.

doadeer · 13/10/2020 21:44

@TheNavigator

Some people just are. My youngest DD is so kind. My lovely granny was the kindest lady - my DD reminds me of her. The rest of us are decent moral people, but those 2 have a real quality of natural kindness that I think us innate. People are just drawn to DD and she always has time for them. Just being with her makes you feel happier. She was born that way, I think.
She sounds lovely!! My sister is like this too ❤️
seayork2020 · 13/10/2020 21:44

My first impression of people is generally people are good so I am good back.

Of course not everyone is but it is what I go with till I know different

GeorgeDavidson · 13/10/2020 21:49

I was brought up with parents who helped others and were generous of spirit and it’s made me the same. I help others on a daily basis, it’s just part of who I am. I notice when people need something, even little things and if I can help - carry that bag, reach something down from a shelf, give them 20p for the loo, offer a life- I’ll do it.

JamesTKirkcompatible · 13/10/2020 21:54

I don't think I am naturally kind, I tend to have a lot of rather selfish narcissistic thoughts going on about myself all the time. Then I will miss something important, be horrified, and probably overcompensate. I agree with pp who said it's about being happy yourself. When I've been meditating or had some time to relax I feel I have infinite time and space to really notice other people, be grateful for their presence, and tune in to them - then I can't help but be kind and it feels wonderful. But my default, if I don't try hard all the time, is to stress through my life trying not to feel my own feelings, let alone anyone else's!

cantdothisnow1 · 13/10/2020 22:07

Actually to go against the grain in what is a lovely thread most people are not very kind when it comes to things that are out of their zone of experience.

The last 4 years of my life have been very difficult, my children have had undiagnosed sen and my eldest was at times suicidal.

I've received very little support and understanding from either friends or people who were witnessing what was going on. I think that if it is something you haven't experienced then you automatically parent blame. So it's gone from us being weak for not forcing school (when it would have killed my eldest, to disbelief of autism diagnosis to jealousy of what they perceive unfair support with educating away from home (when school didn't work).

I don't think humans are naturally kind if something goes outside their sphere of experience. I am now 45 and actually have not one solitary friend. When I was in my 20s I was surrounded by them.

Sorry for dragging this down.

Toptrumps2020 · 14/10/2020 06:17

I think about this a lot because one of my friends is incredibly kind and I sometimes wish I was more like her. I try to be kind but can be a bit selfish. I'm not sure if my friend is just naturally kind but she's also the only person of my age that I know who is a regular church goer. I wonder if that also impacts on her actions.

mytimeonline · 14/10/2020 06:31

@CandlesBlanketsandTea

BTW I'm not implying that parents aren't kind but they have way more stuff to handle on a day to day basis.
Personality over parent/ non parent I can assure you kindness is not time consuming in the way I see it it is a basic human decent attribute I googled it. I think many people are so selfish now days which lacks kindness