Gaslighting

[DonnaQuixotedelaManchester]

Is this gaslighting?

I said something, other person says the didn't hear then said perhaps I thought I said it out loud but didn't?

I clearly said it, I know I said it. They are refuting that I said it and said above (that perhaps I thought I said it).

Isn't that gaslighting? When you try and mess with someone 's perceptions of what they said or not.

Sorry if that isn't clear

No. Gaslighting is a systematic pattern of abuse aimed to undermine your belief of reality.
What you describe is just a human interaction.

I don't think it's gaslighting but it is infuriating. Also infuriating when someone mishears you and tells you you mispronounced something and won't believe you that you pronounced it correctly!

For me gaslighting is deliberately denying things happen or another person's perception so that they begin to doubt their own ability to judge things.
But the main part is deliberately. So it's possibly gaslighting (if they heard you and are deliberately trying to make you doubt yourself). It's also possible they didn't hear you and they are trying to make suggestions why not.

For what it's worth I often mean to say things out loud and don't and I'm convinced my DH does it all the time - though he denies it.

Perhaps the other person didn't hear you?

@Hohofortherobbers

Yes, that is what i said but they are adamant I didn't say it.

@Hohofortherobbers

Perhaps the other person didn't hear you?

Then just say you didn't hear. Don't pretend they said something they didnt

Does it really matter? It’s bloody annoying.

Or didn't say something they did, more accurately

Sounds like someone didn’t hear or tuned out and don’t want to admit it.

There are people who are very denial about this , about losing their hearing.

Unless they're doing it repeatedly with the specific intention to make you think you're going mad then no, it's not gaslighting. That terms gets overused a lot on Mumsnet, nearly always incorrectly.

It doesn't need a label to be unacceptable behaviour though.

I would say this is a little bit.
Wouldn’t the normal reaction be ‘oh I didn’t hear you say that’ rather than ‘perhaps you didn’t say it out loud’
It depends on whether this is a one off or not.

Maybe they really didn’t hear you? It’s possible they were distracted at the time.

It’s a million miles from gaslighting. Gaslighting is a sustained form of mental abuse that takes place over a long period of time and is initially so subtle that you don’t even realise it’s happening. As time goes on the victim had become so manipulated by the abuser that they themselves believe the abuser that they are crazy and they question their own sanity. It can make them suicidal.

It’s a horrible thing. The term is very over-used on MN. Not every disagreement on the memory of how an event happened or didn’t happen is gaslighting.

It's a pattern. So a one off isn't gaslighting but over a period of time it could be.

There is a history yes. In this case, I agree that the reasonable thing to do, is to say 'I didn't hear it' to which you can say 'No worries, it's done now' or something. It allows you to move on and not make a big deal.

It sounds like he's too proud to back down rather than gaslighting as such.

She, not he! But yes, think that is accurate.

I would say no. My ex used to gaslight me. Pretend conversations never happened when they did. Told me I said I would do things when I hadn't. Twisted things I said to make it sound entirely different. I got to the point that I didn't know what was real or not anymore. Seriously questioning myself. That's what I would describe as gaslighting. I think what happened to you is annoying though...

On its own no. It’s annoying but I’d assume the person was sensitive about their hearing. It’s just like my dad telling me I mumble on the phone when I know I don’t because I talk on the phone for hours every day to all sorts of people at work with no issues.

If it’s part of a pattern of behaviour then it could be, but again depends whether they’re doing it deliberately

So, we use a whiteboard for important information relating to something very specific. Notes were written on this morning, by me. They wiped them off, rewrote the information and then talked for 5 minutes about how we need to use the whiteboard to record messages.

A similar thing happened later on and this time I said I have been doing exactly that, you can see it is written down and they said I know but it’s really helpful to write things down so that we can all see t.

????

Why are you with this person? You’re clearly not happy with their behaviour, whatever it’s called.

@DonnaQuixotedelaManchester

So, we use a whiteboard for important information relating to something very specific. Notes were written on this morning, by me. They wiped them off, rewrote the information and then talked for 5 minutes about how we need to use the whiteboard to record messages.

A similar thing happened later on and this time I said I have been doing exactly that, you can see it is written down and they said I know but it’s really helpful to write things down so that we can all see t.

????

That's more than gaslighting, it's abusive. If you write any further items on the board, take a photo as soon as you're done. Then when it gets wiped and re-written, produce your photo and dump them straight away.

I wouldn't waste anymore time with this person.

It’s not a relationship, guys. I don’t want to go in to too much detail but thanks you for your responses.

To me, this is someone who is not well.

Tbh yeah I would call it gaslighting. And the further example you gave just me confirmation.

You can't change someone who is abusive, but you can acknowledge that's what they are and begin to protect yourself. Gather evidence of everything you do.

But if you're in a situation where you can avoid contact with this person then that would be preferable.

I have just spoken to someone else who works with them and they have confirmed the same.

It’s strange as I was in a post a few years ago with someone who reminds me of her and everyone get the same, lots of complaints from external people but slt did nothing. She could even say vocally how much she hated the post and couldn’t wait to leave and nothing.