AIBU to need some moral support

[Fredup12]

I posted a while ago about my (not so D)H wanting to ignore calls from our DCs nursery and me objecting to that.

Since then he’s been insisting I do some jobs because he’s too busy with work (even though I work full time too). Nothing that is a massive deal in itself, but I think we should have a chat about who has what on, what can be moved etc and juggle things together, not have one person able to dictate to the other. Anyway, I raised this and he said it was my fault, walked about and didn’t speak to me other than essential DC things for nearly 3 weeks.

In an attempt to resolve things I wrote a letter saying that I feel when he was stressed with work he tended to put himself first, and when I raised it he always just blamed me, but I needed him to address his behaviour. I apologised for my part in things because sometimes I get so frustrated and lose my temper. He continued to ignore me for 3 days.

I have finally got him to speak to me and he says he doesn’t have anything to apologise for. And I need to stop with my ‘fetish’ for getting people to apologise. That he doesn’t want to set an example to DC that its ok for me to bully him. That I’m abusive because I have shouted at him and said some mean things. Basically that it is all my fault.

I have made an appointment to see a solicitor because I know we can’t go on like this. I just feel so sad and confused. All I want is for him to come to me, give me a hug and say that he hasn’t been treating me right because he’s been stressed with work but he’ll try and be better. And I’ll try and be better too. And we would work it out together. That seems reasonable.

But I don’t understand why he won’t do that. Is it really all my fault? I feel like I try so hard to keep him happy. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes and I have lost my temper but I get so frustrated with not being listened too (but is that just me making excuses?)

I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I can’t see the wood for the trees. I don’t think its all me, but is it?

I know this situation is wrong and I need to be strong. I just feel like I’m cracking up.

AIBU? I just need some moral support.

Tell him okay, don’t apologise (that’s not the important bit here) but will you take equal responsibility for a child you made? If he doesn’t answer or says no, divorce him. Don’t tell him that’s the outcome though before the question is asked.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds like a very difficult thing to be going through but you’re absolutely right to be speaking to a solicitor. There’s no future in a relationship with someone who is so selfish and who treats you so badly. You’ve given him every opportunity to resolve matters and he doesn’t care because being right and getting his way is more important to him than the wellbeing of his family.

It’s going to be hard but your life is going to be so much better after this.

@LouiseTrees

Tell him okay, don’t apologise (that’s not the important bit here) but will you take equal responsibility for a child you made? If he doesn’t answer or says no, divorce him. Don’t tell him that’s the outcome though before the question is asked.

I guess maybe I have been too focused on an apology. I just want him to take some responsibility for his behaviour. We can’t move on on the basis everything is my fault can we? Because then in the future I have no say.

You are not accepting blame by not forcing an apology. You are taking it back to the root of the issue and without verbalising it saying “ so this is what started it, do you accept to change behaviour or not?”

Surely by ordering the OP around, despite her own working commitments, blaming her for everything, projecting his own vile behaviours into her, calling her abusive and doing the silent treatment for three weeks, he’s being abusive and deeply, deeply controlling?

My letter just said I need him to address his behaviour. I didn’t mention an apology. So I don’t think I going to get anywhere however I approach it.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there’s some magical hoop you can jump through OP that will make him behave decently. He has had the opportunity; if he wanted to find a way to work through this, he could and would have. There are no good intentions here on his part.

Well then I agree with Wibbly.

You are both focusing on different things. You're focusing on him not doing enough to help and him with you losing your temper and being what is referred here as abusive behaviour (shouting, saying nasty things).

It could be that he is anxious to talk things through with you because it then escalate and you lose your calm.

Your situation is one that calls for couple counselling. That or indeed, accepting that you've moved to far away from working as a team and it's not reconcilable.

We did counselling a couple of years ago. He has said the counsellor said it was all my fault (she didn’t - but I guess no one will believe me).

I feel I am taking responsibility for my part. I have apologised. I try to be better. I wrote a letter so there was no chance of a confrontation. Then I’m just told again and again its all my fault.

I just think we should be a team. I just feel so confused.

Maybe its me then.

It only escalates when I’m told its all my fault. I know I shouldn’t shout or say mean things. I’m just so frustrated and hurt. I try so hard and its never enough.

I can’t make any sense of what is happening. I guess that because its me.

You it’s not all your fault but ignore him, don’t fight him. You know it’s not your fault. He wants you to fight back because it feeds his narrative that you are controlling him when in fact it’s his behaviour that is controlling. Just ignore him when he says it’s your fault. Walk away.

Your post makes me so sad, because I was in a similar situation in my last relationship before DH. My ex never apologised for anything, because in his mind, he did nothing wrong. Even when he was vile to me, he always managed to turn it around, and said that he acted like that because of something I had done earlier. It was always my fault. You end up believing it to a degree. When you say about cracking up: I did kind of crack up. I went to see my doctor, who I knew quite well, about a minor thing, and he actually diagnosed me as having depression. When I went home and told my partner, he was actually pissed off - saying I was trying to get sympathy. I would try and talk to him about things, and he would end up giving me the silent treatment for the days. He would even sleep on the sofa. He refused to talk to me until I apologised for upsetting him, even though the whole issue was with his behaviour in the first place. I got like you, got frustrated and shouted … And then of course he labelled me the abusive woman screaming and shouting at him. OP, he will never change, and you will never be happy. You will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Leaving wasn’t easy because I felt so emotionally drained. But I did it, and it was worth every minute. And as an aside, my dad is also a bit like this: I didn’t realise until about 10 years ago but he is a narcissist and emotionally abusive towards my mother. I grew up a very anxious child, wanting to please him, but I was never enough. I have been plagued by insecurity and anxiety all my life, and I believe seeing how DF treated DM - and the fact she let him - made me think that men were ‘in charge’ and that such behaviour was the norm. OP, he will never change, and you will never be happy. You will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. You and your child have a much better chance of happiness without this man in your lives on a daily basis.

Some good advice already, I’ll add that: he doesn't want perfect, he wants scared

So whatever you do (or don’t do) will never be enough for him.

Maybe he’ll grow up & take responsibility but frankly the longer he plays these mind games the less likely that seems.

Get all the advice and help you can and leave so you can:-

Have a home that is a home (safe/calm) not a battleground
Be able to make decisions about how you live without walking on eggshells
Be happy and confident rather than scared and confused.

And don’t worry about missing him - you will still get to ‘enjoy’ his bullshit via custody arrangements.

But if you can swap 90% of painful living for 90% of peaceful living why wouldn’t you?

Even with 50/50 custody the children still get a better deal too.

It is up to you though and what you want, I’d like you to have a happy fulfilled life, but I’m only in charge of making my life as best I can, you are in charge of your life and can chose to stay or leave or something else, he is in charge of his life and can chose to be a loving, caring, responsible partner, or to keep messing with your head and making you miserable.

We can only chose for ourselves how we want to live, how we treat others. Stress/MH/the dog ate my homework all are incidental, he is choosing to hurt you.

What you do now is your choice and that’s powerful in itself.

Time for a divorce OP. It’ll never change so why waste more time and more of your life staying with someone who won’t change?

I think when you have to write a letter to someone who lives with you, just to try to get them to listen without sulking - then it’s not you, it’s them. Mostly at least! I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, good luck

This rings close to home with me, too. I have found myself begging for my DH to speak to me, because I can't cope with my home under the awful 'silent treatment' cloud. Some days I feel like I'm losing the plot and it's all in my head. Other days it makes me really angry. Some days I have nothing to give other than wallow and feeling trapped. It's abuse. I'm sorry for you, I know exactly how exhausting it is. Sending loads of love. Sadly these people will never change. My next step is to a happier place x

I think you're too focused on the apology. He doesn't want to because he doesn't accept that he has anything to apologise for. You wanting one is just going round in circles.

PP mentioned above: what you have to do is get him to accept 50% of the care of the household and DCs. If he doesn't want to do that informally in a relationship with you then he'll have to accept the reality of doing it outside a relationship with you and that is harder because the only 50% involved is the DCs. Household related will all be down to him.

Frankly you two don't sound compatible and if you have to write a letter to get him to listen to your words, IMO, you're too far down the path of separation.

I'm sorry you're living through this.

Ok some helpful points here. Thank you everyone for all your thoughts. Much better than just going over and over things in my head!

I think I may have been too focused on getting an apology. If I want to look forward though, any tips on how I do that? A PP suggested I need to get him to agree to 50-50 childcare, but I don’t think that really captures things. I want my needs and wants to be considered equally, which means that some weeks it might be 60-40 on way and another week the other way. I just want us to be considerate to each other. How do I convey that, without reference to things that have already happened, in a way that might mean I’m treated better in the future?

He's focusing on how you are trying to get your message across so he can avoid what the message actually is...if you see what I mean.

Go here

littlebirdflies.wordpress.com/2016/10/31/the-water-torturer/

Read this.

See if it sounds familiar.

You are not seeing things from his point of view. Your letter basically listed his faults, giving a very vague reason that you might be at fault too then demanding an apology. That isn't how communication works. You haven't listened to his side or taken on board your issues. I would suggest mediation rather than a solicitor. If you could both open up and communicate you might get past this.

Reminder that you can’t communicate effectively with abusive men because they don’t want a solution, they want a frightened partner who doesn’t raise her head above the parapet in case it provokes his abusive behaviour.

Reminder that you can’t communicate effectively with abusive men because they don’t want a solution, they want a frightened partner who doesn’t raise her head above the parapet in case it provokes his abusive behaviour.

Absolutely this. And this poster's previous post.

He is abusive. Stop trying to jump through his hoops. He won't change. But you will break yourself trying.

What happened in joint counselling is precisely why joint therapy should never happen when there is abuse. So I do believe you that he's twisted things. It is completely credible in the context of coercive control. And of course you become upset in the face of his abuse - you're human!

It would be much better for you in the long run to continue the steps you started of exiting from this situation. It's no good for you to continue and no good for your DC.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

*no good for you to continue living like this.