Bullied my whole life at work

[MapleHearts]

Hello all, feeling very down today and pondering why and what I've done to deserve such a crap life.
Basically, in every single workplace I've been bullied and it's affected my mental health so much that I can't foresee me ever getting over it now.

Bullying has always come from colleagues, never had any problem with management - infact, have been offered promotions in a lot of my roles.

Some examples -
bullied for being " too quiet"
have been the source of malicious gossip
had one colleague manage to turn the whole team against me bar one
people who used to chat to me suddenly going completely cold and pretend to be busy when I was around
Colleagues told to have nothing to do with me

I don't know how I've become a walking target and now when I start a new job, I know within a few weeks it's going to start again. I don't gossip/talk negatively about people, I'm engaged in other people's lives/ interests, I try and join in conversation even though I am shy. I'm the type who likes to keep my head down and get on with worj, but it seems that I anger people by being this way.

Any advice please?

Was there a similar pattern at school? If so, repeatedly struggling socially can be a sign of ASD.

Or if not, you might be unconsciously displaying victim behaviours after your initial traumatic experiences. This is sort of the equivalent of blood in the water - not great people tend to scent it and can't seem to help themselves.

What's the culture of your workplaces in general? What are the people like? Any obvious differences between you and the majority?

How old are you?

OP, whilst I don't doubt you have been bullied, and having been through it (exclusion, catty comments etc) I understand how horrible it is.

However, being bulled in every single workplace indicates there could be a different issue at play here (possible paranoia). How many places have you worked?

How awful for you, I do wonder if you’re a little paranoid though?
I’ve only moved jobs a few times but I tend to steer clear of the ‘gangs’, keep myself to myself but be friendly, chatty and lots of (fake) confidence when speaking to others.

Do you work in an office? In my 20s I had some office temp jobs. I was shy and the people were vicious.
I think you need to think about 2 things - getting help for possible social anxiety or other similar issue and finding a new job in an environment that is kinder and more suitable for you.

I wonder too if once you’ve had a bad experience, you’re hyper alert to any hints that something might be going in that direction.

I think being the new person in any workplace can make you feel ‘vulnerable’ but it’s about having some resilience that most people aren’t that bothered by external stuff because we’re all wrapped up in ourselves. If you come across as cold/aloof people will treat you accordingly.

I'm like this op, I just dont seem to be very likeable. I think I come accross weird and I try to over compensate which comes accross fake. I've always been this way and I've just accepted that's who I am. If only we worked together and we could be the weirdos together 😊

Hi MapieHearts, I perceive bullying as part of the more brutal but everyday, aspects of the society we live in.

So it's not your fault in any way. But you know that! :) People may advise you to toughen up or something, but I don't believe we should have to debase ourselves in attempts to cope with situations that are not fair, logical or sane. (Even if you could, it's not really like deciding to lose weight or dye your hair! So toughen up is a silly cliche anyway)

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it. You sound level headed and decent, and a few of us are the very small minority that demonstrate very clear values, are often introverted, hate hierarchies, cruelty, injustice.
I was also often bullied from age around 8 to mid 40's, Ive had & several burn outs etc.

But- a tiny number of environments were fine, even great. Unskilled work was the best. Diverse background of people doing it, all sorts of ages, ethnicities, drop outs, all sorts. The worst environments were small office settings with people that were competitive, but not that competent, and poor Management that were useless at practicing inclusion, didn't tackle stress, and skilled work in the public sector was the worst too.
That's my experience, anyway.
Where are you? Public or private?

I had to move to a big (inner) city in the South of UK to find a place where I fit in/didn't get hassled.

I also used review sites when searching, & treat job interviews like a 2 way process, grilling them on Management style, workplace culture etc. That doesn't always work, but can. Finally, I've been contract, short term, & times off sick in order to try restore better mental health when at its worst.
Oh, and workplace counselling (via HR) couldn't prevent it happening, but we're amazing & helped my self esteem & feelings of value so much.

Oh, & finally, I did start having a go at someone that relentlessly undermined me at work, being sexist, nasty, etc.

It didn't go well, I came across as someone just losing control (I was) but I think it made him think I was unpredictable & possibly therefore to be given a wide berth, and the world didn't end, even though I had the worst anxiety attack if my life afterwards.

It also increased my confidence no end doing that for the first time!

Also search out anti bullying social media, charities too, if you haven't already.

Please be well & I wish you all the luck in the world, sorry I can't be more help.

Do you meet the criteria for ASD? We honestly have a fucking target painted on our backs for certain people.

That’s awful, really sorry you’re having such a hard time

Some people get off on targeting what they think is a weak person. Tell them to fuck right off as kindly as possible. New workplace and a fresh start.

I would like to add that i was targeted once and she made my life hell. I started a new job and refused to put up with any shit. As soon as you chat back, chopsy people go back in their box. Good luck.

Have you thought about career counselling or doing a Myers Briggs personality test? That might help you understand yourself better and you can then think about how to move forward?

A usual assumption if someone commonly experiences this kind of situation is that they are the common denominator, ergo they are the problem. This isn't necessarily the case. Nor should it be assumed that it's down to paranoia on the part of the bullied person. I want to pick up on a point made by a PP:

you might be unconsciously displaying victim behaviours after your initial traumatic experiences. This is sort of the equivalent of blood in the water - not great people tend to scent it and can't seem to help themselves.

This is true, even if you're upstanding, outwardly confident and outgoing. Abusers can see straight under that façade whether others don't. It's as if you're emitting radio signals only they can receive. If you've previously been bullied or abused - and the younger the abuse started in life the more of a problem it's likely to be - you tend to attract it in the future. It's also unfortunately a predicament experienced by victims of sexual abuse.

I was abused as a child and experienced my fair share of bullying in school. It's happened occasionally in the workplace too, although there was a gap of about 10 years when I thought it was a thing of the past. A diagnosis of cPTSD and intensive EMDR therapy has helped enormously and these days I'm better equipped to deal with it and am no longer a people-pleaser. I had a case of sexual harrassment against me upheld only a few years ago, but the vibes it's left in my department are very unpleasant: certain colleagues are unable to look past it (believing of course that he was innocent and I'm a liar) and I'm unable to look past their behaviour of choosing to side with a sex pest.

A friend (and senior of mine at work) gave me some good advice a long time ago, in four words. 'Head down, mouth shut'. It's served me well. And because most people are happy to talk about themselves, it's easy enough to give the appearance of listening whilst giving away nothing personal about yourself.

Look into your past, OP, and see if something similar could apply to you (people who were traumatised in childhood go through life without necessarily realising they're traumatised, as I did). If it isn't, and your natural shyness is an issue, you might want to think about making some changes to your career and find something more suited to your temperament. In the end I go to work to work, not to make friends, but unfortunately offices and their politics can be nasty places. Arseholes are ten-a-penny and you'll find them in most if not every workplace.

Excuse the cynicism. But IME this has not been unwarranted.

for you.

Quite often all it takes to be bullied is to have a life outside of work. Friends outside of work. A family or hobbies even. The people whose entire identity revolves around their jobs just can't handle that.

Thank you all so so much for your replies and advice - I honestly didn't expect any responses At all so I'm overwhelmed and feeling very emotional right now. I think this has been the first time in years I've had people be kind and understanding towards me.

I will process some of this stuff and get back to you all - my mental health is shot to pieces right now and my anxiety is sky high. So many posters have hit the nail on the head in regards to childhood trauma/lacking self esteem/ patterns of behaviour etc.

Thank you all so much for your help.

About to go to sleep here so just quickly, my advice is to research ''over coming the role of the scapegoat'' as much as possible. It is not your fault that this has happened to you repeatedly but there can be things that scapegoating narcissists pick up on that make you a target for this kind of crap. Eg, two overtly aggressive colleagues lock horns and you smooth it over. Passive aggressive scapegoating narcissist witnesses that and sees how attuned you are. How you are the Emotional Filling Station for others' emotions.

So, research this inside out and back to front to equip yourself.

Also, get a couple of books about consolidating your own values. I found this really helped me. It's a tough process, or it was for me because I have not been raised to sit around thinking about who I am or what I feel or what my wants and needs are and what I'm prepared to do/not do. The opposite

But it's a process that really helps you distance yourself from what's going on.

There are techiques online for distance yourself from what's going on. You observe it and consciously distance yourself from the feelings flooding your amygdala. You try to calmly identify what you're feeling with a bit more distance. NOT easy but if you look online there are much better explanations of how to not react

@DontTouchTheMoustache

I'm like this op, I just dont seem to be very likeable. I think I come accross weird and I try to over compensate which comes accross fake. I've always been this way and I've just accepted that's who I am. If only we worked together and we could be the weirdos together 😊

Often it's not like this at all. I wouldn't for a moment think that the op is weird! I'm well liked if not ''popular''. What's threatening to people who bully you is your authenticity and your integrity. You might just be the person to stand up for somebody else if they were being bullied. They sense that. You hold a mirror up to them and make them feel discontented, resentful, petty, angry. And.they.cannot.have THAT

Dear maplehearts you've had some of the most wonderful advice I've ever read on MN, thank you @lastnightthemooncame and @MarieIVanArkleStinks, so much wisdom and insight.

I agree you sound decent and level headed and it's happened to me too - bullied in pretty much every work place except for one very busy diverse public sector job and when I had unskilled jobs. Every professional placement I've had which has been highly qualified and competitive has had horrible bullying, especially
public sector environments involved in care or education.
Ive even see it start against me at the school gate by both parents and head teachers.
I too experienced childhood abuse cPTSD and better for EMDR. But it is like I've got a target on my back and it doesn't start right away but before long I'm being excluded, people going silent around me and I'm being left out of social and or work events.

Its completely stopped now as I work as an independent consultant and I would never ever again work in an office based role - I just won't put myself through it ever again and I deliberately worked towards this for around the past 8 years.
Read about the psychology of bullying work place culture as that really cemented my decision to never set foot back in one of those places again.
All the very best to you op. You sound lovely

The scapegoat info sounds amazing, thanks @muserowl - and I agree about your authenticity threatening them.

I think your perception may be out of whack. I don’t doubt you’ve been bullied in the past but saying you’ve been bullied in very work place is bonkers. I think the issues lies with you. I strongly recommend you see a trauma therapist!

I've watched all of these

Also, like others on this thread I've read the pete walker book and the people who do this shit are I think 'fight fawn' hybrids. They usually fawn over the right people for validation and use you to make themselves feel better.

Workplaces are full of dicks! I've worked in4 teams where although I made friends I probably had more enemies and I seriously do not know why. Often they were people who hardly knew me and it can be miserable. Found a new job, the best of all, lovely people, great department so after 15 years of working I can say no, it's not me! Just keep your head up, keep working but don't be afraid to move if you can/want to. I have a mentor these days as I'm on a leadership fast track programme (another thing that annoyed the haters ha!) and some good advice was to see what you can do different, how you react but don't waste time and energy trying to change how other people behave. Good luck.

Good article by teal swan.

I have watched all of the clips she recommends in this article.

tealswan.com/resources/articles/how-to-stop-being-a-scapegoat-and-being-scapegoated-r362/

And by the way, this obsession of mine, it has helped! Now when 'my' scapegoating narcissist is icing me and lovebombing everybody around us, I think ''are you not embarrassed''