How do I say no without sounding uncaring (MLM)

[ashton38]

It's my friends birthday soon and we've all clubbed together to buy her a bag that she wants. There's an amount of money left over and we are suggesting what to buy her as an extra.
One friend, who is passionately and heavily involved with an MLM company has suggested we buy her one of her products and use her discount.
I'm so against MLMs. I hate them with a passion and have seen other friends lose a great deal of money via these schemes, and others losing friends due to their persistent selling techniques/spamming and pressure. We are not, and should never be thought of as potential clients to these "huns". I firmly believe that saying no, and being honest, ( producing evidence and literature to support the case) is the moral thing to do in the long run.
I've not responded yet to the suggestion of one of these products. Not quite sure how the birthday girl will feel. But some of the others I know will be of the opinion that I am being mean not supporting our mutual friend in her new business. I'm not sure they are fully aware of how awful MLMs are and will just think I'm nasty and unsupportive. Am I ?
How can I turn her down without going into a whole spiel in the group chat re why I'm so opposed to being forced to support the MLM?
Or should i just say nothing and hand over the money?

I remember there was a post earlier on in the summer from someone who was on the receiving end of such a gift...

I would just support her business in this case. There is nothing to be gained in taking a “stand” I think on a group chat.

Let them know that you're not happy, friends don't need to agree on everything and it's not unsupportive to say that you don't support these businesses on ethical grounds.

They can use their money to buy her the MLM product and you can buy something more personal.

Sounds like your friend is just looking to make commission rather than considering the sentiment.

At the end of the day would your friend like the gift?
I share your views on mlm and I'd be tempted to think of a gift she'd like much better and suggest that.
It's tricky as some mlm products are good but extremely overpriced and then there's all the ugh factor.

Not the time for honesty.

Suggest an alternative and vote.

Think your friend is being a bit grabby suggesting a gift that benefits her rather than thinking of what your mutual friend would actually like. Unless she already buys them.

Is there a chance you could come at it from the angle of it not being something birthday friend would like? I'm quite particular with skincare products so it wouldn't be a good idea for someone to buy for me (for eg).

How about something like “happy to go with the majority but friend did mention she’d like so that’s another option”

I loathe MLM schemes as well and this would put me in an awkward position as I would hate to support anything related to scams MLMs

The most important point is would your friend actually want to receive the crap item that is being suggested?

Suggest something else better

I think if you do it this once she will suggest it again and again. If you and your friends say no to MLM then this shouldn’t come as a surprise to BOT-friend

I think I'd go into the whole spiel about MLMs

Or at least, "I'm sorry, I personally am uncomfortable supporting [MLM] because of the way it treats some of the people involved, here's a link that explains more. Could we get an alternative present? Or if you prefer, I'll buy my share separately."

It's politely nodding and smiling at these things that allows them to spread, because so many people don't understand how awful they are and then get taken unawares at a vulnerable point in their life.

"I would personally prefer we buy [product X] instead. I would not like to buy from [evil bastards Y] for ethical reasons"

When your victim-friend asks what you mean just breezily say that you don't want to bore everyone but you'll catch her up at some point when you see her.

Not the time for honesty.

I genuinely don't understand how people manage this, it would make the back of my eyeballs itch.

It's awkward if friends are involved and won't be dissuaded. Most of my MLM friends did it and stopped without long lasting effects but also without the trauma or financial losses. I think it's ok to say I'm not sure she's a skincare/ aloe person - how about flowers? Etc. That way you aren't dissing someone who may be a good friend and sensible enough to manage what they're doing with their scheme. I'm now going to check in on my friend who does Tropiv. She's quietened down and hope she's ok

Tropic/Arbonne/Younique/Body Shop -" I remember X telling me her skin is very sensitive".

Scentsy - "I remember X telling me that synthetic smells give her a headache".

Forever Living - "I remember X telling me that Aloe Vera brought her out in hives".

I'm sure you'll be able to think of an good excuse for the relevant company.

Buying a product from a MLM victim isn't helping or supporting them though is it, it's facilitating the lie that they are not being exploited and encouraged to exploit others and that they can make millions and Live Their Best Life whilst Being Their Own Boss. So say no with a clear conscience.

Tell them you don’t think birthday friend would like that and suggest something much better.

From your OP it sounds like the friend has suggested using her discount, meaning that she won't be benefitting financially if you were to buy the item from her...... She would only be benefitting form the volume sale. So at least she's not selfish in that respect.

I do agree that you just come up with another excuse or something the birthday girls would prefer.

Genuinely I'd whisper in the birthday girls ear "we've got £x left and as we already have you a surprise is there anything you'd really like... Don't tell the others and you can act surprised"

I remember there was a post earlier on in the summer from someone who was on the receiving end of such a gift

I remember that too, she was so disappointed.
Just put forward suggestions of what to get instead.

I remember there was a post earlier on in the summer from someone who was on the receiving end of such a gift

Me too! I would be upset too, it's so impersonal and grabby of the MLM person. Trying to use your friends to hit targets.

Genuinely I'd whisper in the birthday girls ear "we've got £x left and as we already have you a surprise is there anything you'd really like... Don't tell the others and you can act surprised"

Excellent idea.

@unmarkedbythat

Buying a product from a MLM victim isn't helping or supporting them though is it, it's facilitating the lie that they are not being exploited and encouraged to exploit others and that they can make millions and Live Their Best Life whilst Being Their Own Boss. So say no with a clear conscience.

Yep.

I’d be tempted to put that if you were in her position and received it as a present you’d feel really upset and cheated for several reasons - because by ‘our age’ most of us have favourite scents and skin care preferences that we don’t like to mess with because it causes so many problems, gutted because my friends are supposed to know me and have wasted money on a skincare product I can’t use, that I’m ethically opposed to and they’re supposed to be my friends and know me but despite knowing me they’ve still gone ahead and wasted money even when they would know that I’d have loved a bottle of wine/chocs/ favourite smellie etc so it would feel like they didn’t care about me or my birthday.

So no, I don’t think we should give her the mom thing - that would be a big kick in the teeth. Let’s get her something she’d really like instead.

We've had this with class teacher gifts. Fortunately in a year we were doing our own thing as I really don't like it. Could you just say you don't think buying a gift from your own company gives the right impression? I'd say the same if it wasn't MLM tbh. If you want to give a gift from your own company/employer, that should be just from you, not a way to push business your own way.

Not the time for honesty.

It's exactly the time for honesty. There's no need for tact when it comes to MLMs. Quietly supporting people who have got caught up in one just perpetuates them and ends up with more people falling victim to it.

SIL was in one for a while (Arbonne). DH was totally honest with her about why we weren't spending a penny on her products.

I would have to be honest she say no way are we giving our friend mlm shite.
She will be gutted to receive it as part of her present.

Suggest a pamper box, book, bath salts or scented candle and choc/ small bottle wine (or stuff your friend would like, you could say as pamper box you'll purchase one item of over priced tat MLM for part pamper.