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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU re my dad?

39 replies

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 11:26

Hi everyone. My sisters and I adore our dad. He has a heart of gold, and is always there for us. He is a grandad in a million. Like everyone, he has his flaws, and his is drinking too much. Think functioning alcoholic, rather than sometimes overindulging in his favourite drink. His attitude over the years has been 'all or nothing', so either he's on medication for it or on a bender.
He has a very responsible job, and is otherwise fit and healthy (believe it or not). He walks absolutely everywhere, eats well, and the world would need to be at an end before he missed a day of his work.
This morning I received a message from my sister, to say that she had just spoken to my dad, and he sounded pissed. This being at 9am. We've had years of this, and she's the closest to him, so can tell a mile off.
This is a very worrying development, as we have never known him to be drunk at this time. Usually he would just stop at night. So she sent us siblings a message, asking what we should do. I said that I would phone him. Sister straightaway came back with 'don't make it obvious, as he'll realise we've been talking about him, and that would be grim'.
Alcoholism really does run in my dad's family. And it has always been swept under the carpet. I'm not really into this, and prefer to try and deal with the situation helpfully and sensitively, but head-on.
So I phoned dad and here's how it went:
Me - morning dad. How are you today?
Dad - (mumbling and very obviously pissed) I've got a bit of a cough, and I'm not feeling good.
Me - dad, are you sure that's all that's wrong? I'm worried about you.
Dad - what do you mean you're worried? There's nothing to worry about.
Me - dad, have you been drinking?
Dad - me, drinking? Are you mad?? I told you, I've just got a cough.
Me - dad, you sound drunk, and I'm worried about you. We all love you and care for you, and don't want anything to happen to you.

Him - more denials, mock outrage, etc.

My sister is now really fucked off with me. She said it wasn't the right time to confront him, and she's probably right

Do you know what though, if your dad is pissed at 9am then that's a whole new low, and does it actually matter if he thinks we're talking about him or not?! We're beyond that now, surely.
The other point is that nobody is holding a gun to dad's head, telling him to answer his phone at these times. He chooses to pick up and then gaslight us. So it's him treating us like the idiots, rather than the other way round.
I've fucked up, haven't I? I should have listened to my sister, who suggested getting a family member (one of his siblings) to discretely check in on him. I live a few hours away.
Please be kind. And don't say 'he's not a good dad, because if he was ....' I don't want to hear that, because you don't know him or his history. And we think he rocks, in spite of his flaws
Thanks.

OP posts:

tobedtoMNandfart · 11/10/2020 11:35

YANBU. You are right that your Dad is in a bad place. Ripping into each other is really going to help no one. I think maybe you need help to recognise that all of these interactions are quite dysfunctional. Try not to internalise all of that dysfunction. You are not to blame.

namechangefail2020 · 11/10/2020 11:38

I'm so sorry, this is really sad! You can all ha dale it how you see fit, there is def no rule book but you need to respect each other's approaches and maybe try and meet half way. You need each other right now. You did nothing wrong and not did she. Hope you get things sorted!

Original poster

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 11:40

Thank you both, for your helpful and respectful replies

OP posts:

Original poster

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 11:43

Sister has just come back to say that I wasn't being supportive of dad, and in fact kicked him when he was down.

OP posts:

ToelessPobble · 11/10/2020 11:59

I think I would probably start by contacting Al Anon and get your head round it and think through your options so that you are in a good place emotionally and have support, then consider your options as to how you can deal with it. You and your sister may not agree with what you do but you won't be feeling so much guilt or second guessing yourself if you have what you need first x

Original poster

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 12:02

Thanks but AA isn't anything new for us. Sister is his sponsor, I believe (not sure if that's the right word, but his main support anyway). She sees him more often than the rest of us, as she lives closer, and dad helps her with dog and childcare.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 11/10/2020 12:07

Al Anon isn’t AA. It’s for families.
I’m fairly certain his daughter shouldn’t be his sponsor.
This man can’t be relied on for childcare.
You can’t cure him.
You can only focus on you and how you allow his drinking to affect you.
Confronting him is pointless.

WorrierorWarrior · 11/10/2020 12:23

I can't believe that anyone being a responsible parent would leave their child with someone who can go into a bender at the drop of a hat. I am not sure but I think it is a crime to be in charge of children when drunk.
The person who is the sponsor or support of an alcoholic is usually a member of the local alcoholics anonymous group, for your sister to be his sponsor this would mean that she is also a member of the alcoholics anonymous group and an alcoholic. Your sister might be down as his next of kin if she is the closest person to him in terms of distance.
Make sure no children are ever left with this man. I just don't see how you could possibly think that a man who has spent years as an alcoholic is a wonderful father and grandfather

PerseverancePays · 11/10/2020 12:24

@Wolfiefan

Al Anon isn’t AA. It’s for families. I’m fairly certain his daughter shouldn’t be his sponsor. This man can’t be relied on for childcare. You can’t cure him. You can only focus on you and how you allow his drinking to affect you. Confronting him is pointless.

This.

We have two alcoholics in the family and you can’t ‘help’ them. All you can do is create your own boundaries, ie not let them in the house when drinking, and go forth from there. You can still be loving and kind, but on your own terms. And get support for yourselves.
The alcoholics know where their support is and it is up to them to use it or not.
Learn what ‘enabling’ is because it’s helpful when you are trying to make decisions. Good luck and hugs.

tobedtoMNandfart · 11/10/2020 12:27

It sounds like your sister finds it easier and safer to direct her anger with the situation at you. Which is not right or fair.

GarlicMonkey · 11/10/2020 13:10

Absolutely pointless anyone trying to give you advice. Those rose coloured spectacles seriously affect people's hearing. I hope you take them off soon because you have a recipe for tragedy brewing there.

Cancangirlie · 11/10/2020 13:15

Your heart was in tbe right place but from my experience talking to someone when they are drunk doesn't have any impact. Try not to beat yourself up. Chances are he won't remember it once he's slept it off. I think you need to tell him how you're feeling, your worries and concerns come from love. He won't stop until he's ready and that might never happen. You may need to prepare for that.

Wibblypiggly · 11/10/2020 13:23

Childcare. And he’s drunk at 9am. You love him and he’s very lucky to have you but just think about that for a second...

Original poster

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 13:29

Thanks all. Dad would never drink when in charge of the children, so please do give us some credit! My sister's children are all at school, but he sometimes babysits for her in the evening.
Of all my siblings, I am the one least dependent on him, and the one least likely to be wearing rose-coloured specs. I see things very much for how they are. I've had enough practice. That doesn't stop me loving him though.
Life isn't always black and white.

OP posts:

JontyDoggle37 · 11/10/2020 13:38

@eatsleepread could I gently suggest that you thought he wouldn’t drink at 9am either, but it seems possible he is, so drinking while looking after the children isn’t out of the realms of possibility either.
Having said that, if he has a cough and he’s said he feels unwell, it’s possible he has a bad infection too, which can cause people to seem drunk/hallucinate and all sorts. So getting someone local to check him properly is vital. He should also have a COVID test if he meets the criteria.
I really wish you all the best and hope you take this in the spirit it’s meant. As someone who gave up alcohol 6 months ago because I was also a functioning alcoholic, I’ve written my word with the aim of genuinely helping. If this is an alcohol issue, you may need to redraw in your head what you imagined your dads boundaries to be - alcoholics don’t stay at a static place in their addiction, they usually progress, so be prepared for that.

Original poster

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 13:43

@JontyDoggle37

Thank you very much, Jonty. I totally take on board your very valid points. Well-done on your fantastic achievement, and I wish you every continued success

OP posts:

SmudgeButt · 11/10/2020 13:52

You say he has a very responsible job. Well if he's drunk at 9 am on a work day he won't keep that job. And some employers would even wonder about continuing to employ someone who goes on benders only on the weekend.

The other thing to remember is that if he really overindulges just in the evenings he is very likely still legally drunk the next morning.

But the most important thing is that you love him and your family loves him too. Hopefully he will have that lightbulb moment and will appreciate having a good and loving family around him.

SmudgeButt · 11/10/2020 13:53

All of which means - I don't think you've fucked up.

Wolfiefan · 11/10/2020 13:56

He’s drunk at 9am and lying about it. He can’t be relied on for childcare.
You can still love him but say his behaviour isn’t acceptable. Please try Al Anon.

Original poster

eatsleepread · 11/10/2020 13:59

Thanks, but Sunday isn't a work day, and he has been in the same job for 40 years. He no longer works 5 days, as he retires next year. He'd rather die than show this side of himself at work.

I'm very open to everyone's points, and the majority have been excellent. However, blind speculation is absolutely pointless and really doesn't help.

OP posts:

Vivi0 · 11/10/2020 14:15

@GarlicMonkey

I agree with this.

You are not ready to hear it OP.

And don't say 'he's not a good dad, because if he was ....' I don't want to hear that, because you don't know him or his history. And we think he rocks, in spite of his flaws

Alcoholism isn’t a flaw.

If you are unable to acknowledge that, you will not be able to acknowledge that:

Alcoholism is a family disease.

Your father is not to be relied on for childcare.

Your father is not fit and healthy.

And some of the more difficult truths.

But to answer your initial question. No, you didn’t fuck up doing as you did.

It’s just that your sister isn’t ready to hear it.

Wolfiefan · 11/10/2020 14:21

You are deluded OP. You really need help with your mindset. He isn’t safe to look after the kids. He’s not a wonderful person with a flaw. He’s choosing to put alcohol over his relationship with his family.

Blueringedoctopus · 11/10/2020 14:55

OP my OHs family is riddled with alcoholism and his father sounds very like yours. You can't do anything except start to come to terms with alcohol will always come first and that like all addicts he is probably a very good liar. He can't be trusted to look after children. My husband only realised as an adult his father drove them drunk on an almost daily basis. My MIL enables this behaviour because she does not know what else to do and pretends it isn't a problem because he isn't sick or in a gutter. The entire family's relationship with alcohol is warped. In laws get very cross if you refuse to drink with them and will offer my young teenagers alcohol because their kids drank from about 12 at home. My OH is practically teetotal now because he can't reliably control his drinking. Both his siblings are also teetotal. My FIL is a lovely man but his drinking is killing him (he has liver disease and is in end stage heart failure) and it has ruined relationships within the family as those who enable his drinking clash with those wanting to confront it. My OH finally accepted how serious it was one Christmas when our DS said why is grandad drinking out of a bottle in his bedroom - he had bought his own supply of gin with him and despite claiming he hadn't had a drink until 3 in the afternoon was on neat gin from breakfast time onwards. I feel for you - people who don't have this in the family have no idea how conflicted it makes you.

Vivi0 · 11/10/2020 16:04

@eatsleepread

Thanks, but Sunday isn't a work day, and he has been in the same job for 40 years. He no longer works 5 days, as he retires next year. He'd rather die than show this side of himself at work.

I'm very open to everyone's points, and the majority have been excellent. However, blind speculation is absolutely pointless and really doesn't help.

Retirement is often the catalyst for alcoholism to rapidly advance.

SuzieQQQ · 11/10/2020 18:03

I think you are both in varying stages of denial. For your sister, there is no way she should be his sponsor. That is unheard of at AA. It needs to be someone from AA and not a family member. Also checking in on him is not kicking him when he’s down. She is enabling him. For you, no he may not be drunk in charge of children but he’s certainly going to be hungover. Not the best choice for childcare.

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