WIBU re my dad?

[eatsleepread]

Hi everyone. My sisters and I adore our dad. He has a heart of gold, and is always there for us. He is a grandad in a million. Like everyone, he has his flaws, and his is drinking too much. Think functioning alcoholic, rather than sometimes overindulging in his favourite drink. His attitude over the years has been 'all or nothing', so either he's on medication for it or on a bender.
He has a very responsible job, and is otherwise fit and healthy (believe it or not). He walks absolutely everywhere, eats well, and the world would need to be at an end before he missed a day of his work.
This morning I received a message from my sister, to say that she had just spoken to my dad, and he sounded pissed. This being at 9am. We've had years of this, and she's the closest to him, so can tell a mile off.
This is a very worrying development, as we have never known him to be drunk at this time. Usually he would just stop at night. So she sent us siblings a message, asking what we should do. I said that I would phone him. Sister straightaway came back with 'don't make it obvious, as he'll realise we've been talking about him, and that would be grim'.
Alcoholism really does run in my dad's family. And it has always been swept under the carpet. I'm not really into this, and prefer to try and deal with the situation helpfully and sensitively, but head-on.
So I phoned dad and here's how it went:
Me - morning dad. How are you today?
Dad - (mumbling and very obviously pissed) I've got a bit of a cough, and I'm not feeling good.
Me - dad, are you sure that's all that's wrong? I'm worried about you.
Dad - what do you mean you're worried? There's nothing to worry about.
Me - dad, have you been drinking?
Dad - me, drinking? Are you mad?? I told you, I've just got a cough.
Me - dad, you sound drunk, and I'm worried about you. We all love you and care for you, and don't want anything to happen to you.

Him - more denials, mock outrage, etc.

My sister is now really fucked off with me. She said it wasn't the right time to confront him, and she's probably right

Do you know what though, if your dad is pissed at 9am then that's a whole new low, and does it actually matter if he thinks we're talking about him or not?! We're beyond that now, surely.
The other point is that nobody is holding a gun to dad's head, telling him to answer his phone at these times. He chooses to pick up and then gaslight us. So it's him treating us like the idiots, rather than the other way round.
I've fucked up, haven't I? I should have listened to my sister, who suggested getting a family member (one of his siblings) to discretely check in on him. I live a few hours away.
Please be kind. And don't say 'he's not a good dad, because if he was ....' I don't want to hear that, because you don't know him or his history. And we think he rocks, in spite of his flaws
Thanks.

My partner died of alcoholism, I've since learned that you can't change an alcoholic or fix them, guilt tripping them doesn't work. No matter how much you love them they will lie, cheat & steal to get what they want, they are selfish, drink comes first, before family, friends or work. When you lose someone who is an alcoholic, you beat yourself up & blame yourself for enabling them to carry on drinking, think if they really loved you then they would have stopped drinking. The truth is that it isn't your fault, no matter what you did they would still have drunk, you couldn't have changed anything, the only person who could have changed was themselves.

You didn't do anything wrong. My dad was the same. Had a responsible job he had had for over 40 years. In the years leading up to retirement he got.worse and worse and though we thought he was holding down his job well it became clear that everyone knew and were fond of him so.just ignored the issue knowing he would retire soon.

In the weeks before retirement he was very drunk and had accidents at work. Within 4 months of retirement he was dead. It was a catalyst that caused him to shift from "functional alcoholic" to just an alcoholic.

I hope it doesn't go that way for you. But please be prepared. There is probably nothing you.could do, though I often wish I had tried harder. It isn't about you, your sister or her kids. He just can't stop drinking.

OP you are allowed to love and care for your father the way you see fit and not dictated to by siblings. They've probably got their own agenda for a start.
Al anon will give you advice on whether to play hardball or hold his hand.
Most of all OP please make sure he knows you love him.
Good luck 💐

@eatsleepread

Thanks but AA isn't anything new for us. Sister is his sponsor, I believe (not sure if that's the right word, but his main support anyway). She sees him more often than the rest of us, as she lives closer, and dad helps her with dog and childcare.

They're mutually dependent. Enmeshed.

She wanted a whinge, and to lean on you.

When you understandably reacted to that, it didn't suit her.

I think you need to really think this through. You're at the bottom of a dysfunctional pile here.

Whether he's a good dad or not - and as you rightly say we don't know him - is irrelevant to the current issue

You're not going to get ANYWHERE trying to tackle him while he's pissed!

To be perfectly honest it sounds like he is an alcoholic and you need to accept that.

Accepting that ALSO means accepting there's actually nothing you can do about it!

I know that's not what you want to hear but it's true

My father, grandfather, my dads siblings, cousins (children of those siblings), great uncles/aunts all addicts, mainly alcoholism, but often other addictions too.

For YOUR sake you really need to learn the following:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

The ONLY person who can is him and ONLY if and when he really wants to.

Contact al-anon or similar and get support for you, recommend the same to siblings.

Does he live alone? Are there potential safety issues with him possibly falling, leaving hob on etc?

If so do all you can to remedy that.

But you can't actually just tell him you're worried and he has to stop and that will work.

Sister is his sponsor, thats really not advisable!

A sponsor should be someone without a complicating previous relationship with the addict.

He shouldn't be providing childcare for anyone to be honest.

Dad would never drink when in charge of the children addicts don't regulate themselves the way others do.

Does he drive? As pp said chances are if he drinks of an evening he's likely still over the limit WELL into the next day, not just the morning. He shouldn't be driving.

He won't be fit and healthy either - he might APPEAR to be, the addicts in my family appeared to be at times mainly as they were avoiding the dr like the plague! Also because they're drinking rather than eating and so tend to be very slim...

Until the effects catch up with them and then they can end up bloated and otherwise obviously ill.

Contrary to media portrayals etc they can go years, even decades before the effects show.

My dad and grandad were both army, passes all their fitness tests, then 10, 20 years after retiring the jaundice, bloating, poor blood vessels, ruddy face etc becomes more visible and the internal effects brought it all home to roost.

My dad is now bedbound and can barely sit, he's in constant severe pain.

Again contrary to media portrayals etc his liver is fine...his heart, brain, kidneys, bladder, pancreas, throat, stomach, bowel... are not!

Alcohol from a physical/Medical perspective rots the organs, breaks them down slowly but surely.

Retirement is often the catalyst for alcoholism to rapidly advance. yep!

You're at the bottom of a dysfunctional pile here

Totally agree

Also agree the rose tinted specs need to go!

As I said upthread your siblings have an agenda. It's not the same as yours. Take control in the way you see fit. Get him to come and stay with you a while and touch base with him. If you can. Or vice versa.
He could probably do with a break from them and get a minute for himself. No need to upset anyone in the process and if they are it says more about them than you. Reach out. 💐

My dad drinks and gaslights about it. His speach slurs halfway through the second drink so it's very obvious to us when. Which is a good thing because he can get very angry and agressive when drunk so we tend to tiptoe and get away asap when he has drunk to protect our feelings. I've accepted long ago that I can't change it. It's his choice to drink,

This is so true it needs repeating:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Your sister isn't the boss of you. You have your own relationship with your dad. For your own peace of mind I recommend you try to have that relationship as much as possible when he is sober. Since you can't change him you need to let it go and focus on the good bits.

@rorosemary I doff my cap to you.
OP listen up. Don't be dictated to

Confronting an alcoholic about their drinking when they are pissed is pointless, and your sister clearly has to 'manage' him a lot more than you do so I can see why she's directing her anger at you. But honestly this is all so dysfunctional and you need some support as family members of an alcoholic. Try al anon.

I can tell how much you love your Dad OP and you're entitled to feel worried and upset with him for behaving this way, take this as an opportunity to get some more support

Middle aged daughter of a functional alcoholic here.

You can’t try to control his drinking. If he has the day off and wants to get drunk at 9am, that is no one’s business but his own. He is in charge of his own disease. You can call him out when it impacts you. Him drinking in his own home is not impacting you.

Also, never, ever, not in a million years ever, let an alcoholic stay along with a child.

I agree with Viv10. At the moment your dad has good reasons not to drink for the majority of the time, when he retires he will no longer have that reason. I do feel for you.

It would be a good idea to have a chat with your dad, telling him how much you love him and cannot bear the thought of him being ill and dying in the near future. That will happen if he doesn't pack in the booze however he has to want to. It could help him to do some voluntary work when he retires, it would give him a purpose and he'd meet people. Of course, that is up to him.

He won't want to leave his lovely children and grandchildren before he has to though, especially if he can take on board how important he is to them and how heartbroken they would be.

I really feel for you, OP.
Respectfully and gently, I don't feel an alcoholic should be used for childcare. No, he might not drink when in charge of children.
But alcoholism is a progressive disease.
People don't drink and drive... until they do. They don't drink in the daytime, or the morning... until they do.

I am not saying that lightly. I have recently left my ex partner as their functioning alcoholism became less functioning.

You can't change, control or cure an alcoholic. I don't think you did the 'wrong' thing by confronting your father at all, but I also wonder what you hoped to achieve? You know he'd been drinking (or your sister did). If he had said 'actually yes I'm really p*ssed' - what diference would that have made?

The best you can do is to take care of yourself x

@eatsleepread

Thanks all. Dad would never drink when in charge of the children, so please do give us some credit! My sister's children are all at school, but he sometimes babysits for her in the evening. Of all my siblings, I am the one least dependent on him, and the one least likely to be wearing rose-coloured specs. I see things very much for how they are. I've had enough practice. That doesn't stop me loving him though. Life isn't always black and white.

A functioning alcoholic doesn't drink in the evening?

That assumes a level of control i wouldn't think he could have