Which family to spend Christmas with

[BigMC93]

So my partner and I can't agree on who to spend Christmas with this year. For the past 5 years of our relationship we've spent Christmas with his family, but this year we have a DC and, given that we live around the corner from his parents and see them all the time, I thought it would be nice to spend Christmas with my foster parents this year (who live an hour away) in order for them to bond with DC, as I see them as DCs grandparents.

My partners point of view was that DC should spend Christmas with his side of the family, as his Auntie, Uncle, Nanny, and Grandad will be there. This hurt me a tad, as I do see my foster parents as DCs family too. His other point is that my foster parents have 9 other grandchildren, and this is his parents first grandchild.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking we should spend Christmas with my foster parents this year, as they don't get to see DC as often as his parents given the distance and Covid, and it would be nice to let them know they're important in DCs life too?

Obviously if we're in lockdown we'll be going nowhere, but just incase we're not, I would like some advice.

Also, I know this might sound a bit silly to some people and not necessarily a big deal, but to me it's important that I do the right thing. Thank you x

The fact that your side of the family are not your birth parents, or that they already have other grandchildren, is irrelevant.

Both sides of the family should be treated equally. Your foster parents are as important as his family, and your feelings are as important as his.

You don’t need to spend Christmas Day together for everyone to be included though. There’s Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, the weekend before. Traditions are what you make then - they don’t need to conform exactly. Start your own traditions as a small family.

What we did was have the in laws round in the morning, then the parents round for lunch.

How about staying at yours and leaving it at that?

So much easier.

Can you effectively practice social distancing indoors with 7 of you in the house if you go to you partner’s family? I can’t get more than 3 in my living room and still stay 2m apart, and I don’t like having masks on in the house to reduce that to 1m. Plus I can’t get more than 2 round my dining table and still keep even 1m apart.

Plus if you’re in England you can’t have 7 indoors together. I think it’s unlikely that these rules will change before Christmas, though I hear rumblings that there may be an exception for Christmas Day.

I’ll probably get told off in all the other responses for mentioning this at all, but these are the current rules, and things are getting rapidly worse with COVID at the moment, and multi generational meet-ups like this risk passing the virus (as well as seasonal flu) around the group and especially to the elderly. I don’t understand how people are having folks round to eat with them without ignoring social distancing, unless they live in stately homes.

You’re only an hour away from your foster parents so it would be perfectly possible to see both families if you wanted to. But really don’t think of it as the One Important Day - making time for people is the important thing, and being flexible about traditions- your baby will only get bigger and you don’t want to tie yourselves to any set pattern, I’d say.

You’ve done the last 5 Christmases his way, it’s your turn to decide based on that alone, otherwise your DH is just being selfish. It’s irrelevant that your dc is his parents first grandchild. Is that supposed to mean that you are beholden to them until they have another grandchild by someone else? If you see his parents all the time it will be easy for you to do other Christmas events with them.

Is it specifically the first Christmas you want to spend with your Foster parents or would a every second year starting with your ib laws this year work? It may be your dh wishes for his parents to have a first Christmas with a grand child but isn't actually against you also going to your foster parents every 2nd year.

We used to take it in turns to decide where to go and basically alternated between both sides of the family. I find it a bit concerning and very selfish that your partner isn't recognising your foster family as being your family and equally important to his. Please don't back down on it this year as it will mean that you will likely never get a choice and he will control every Christmas. Yes it won't be the same and will be disappointing for him but part of becoming a family unit is the willingness of each person to sacrifice for the other, not just one way.

it's not just one day and presumably your DC is under one so Christmas is completely unimportant to them.

How about you spend this year either at home or at DH parents then next year with your Foster parents on 25th. Divide the other days a different way.

Then rotate. That way your foster parents get to see the DC over christmas and get to see them on Christmas day next year when it's much more exciting for the DC?

You need to make it fair. The current situation is not fair.

We've always done both families and swap over late afternoon Xmas day as neither of us wanted to not see our own family. We sleep over on Xmas Eve at one family and then also stay over at the other family until boxing day. We alternate who gets first and last parts of Xmas.

You can do your Xmas celebration on any day, it's not essential for it to be Xmas day. We are doing our family get together (covid permitting) two days before Xmas because of shift work patterns and Xmas day will just be a normal day.
It's only a date and unless you are especially religious then you can move it as it's nothing fixed that has to be celebrated on a specific day.

He is being a massive dick. You see his family all the time. Please go to your parents

5 Christmas’s with his parents, now it’s your turn, if he dies t agree I would let him go to his parents and you and the baby go to your foster parents

Why can't you do both? Pop round to see Dh's family in the morning for a couple of hours, then get in the car and drive to your family's house?

Dh and I live 1 hour away from both sets of parents, luckily we are both from the same town and our families congregate at a family member's house (whoever has the biggest one) .

We spend Christmas morning here, then drive over to my sister's for Christmas lunch and spend half the afternoon with her family, then we drive 20 minutes over to Dh's family. Come back mid evening. We used to put the children into their pyjamas for the journey home. They saw it as hilarious to be in your pyjamas in the car. They did wear coats and had blankets to snuggle under so they weren't cold.

We only have 1 Christmas lunch, then at my ILs they have also had their Christmas lunch (restaurant) and then we have a buffet style dinner about 6pm.

I think your Dh is being truly unfair. My friend's parents were foster carers and truly cared about the children that came to stay with them for however long that was.

You need to work out a new way to celebrate. Your family has changed now.

Just stay at yours.

Stay home and invite people to yours at varying times

Why have you never gone to your parents before?

I can see why he thinks it's a bit harsh if his family have hosted you every year, and you've been happy with that, that you then decide to go elsewhere for the DC's first christmas. If you were staying at home that would be one thing, but you've not done Christmas with your family for 5 years so why now?

I'd do his family this year and then alternate from there on.

Or stay at home Christmas Day and do oen family Christmas Eve and one Boxing Day.

I would 100 percent go to your parents. Stsnd up for yourself. It can't be his way every year.

You have spent the last FIVE years with his side?!

Why is this even being discussed?!

It was 'your' turn, oh about three years ago yes?!

It’s totally overdue to be your family’s turn.

You are assuming anyone is going anywhere at Christmas. The current direction of travel, so to speak, and nobody will be going anywhere. But I'd also go with making Christmas traditions in your own home, and invite others. You are creating a rod for your own backs always going somewhere else. Wherever got pick, it'll "not be fair", and it'll be taken amiss when you get to a point of not wanting to join in. Babies first Christmas being at home is a good way of breaking old habits and staying new ways of doing things.

@NoSquirrels

The fact that your side of the family are not your birth parents, or that they already have other grandchildren, is irrelevant.

Both sides of the family should be treated equally. Your foster parents are as important as his family, and your feelings are as important as his.

You don’t need to spend Christmas Day together for everyone to be included though. There’s Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, the weekend before. Traditions are what you make then - they don’t need to conform exactly. Start your own traditions as a small family.

Exactly this OP.

@AdoptAdaptImprove

Can you effectively practice social distancing indoors with 7 of you in the house if you go to you partner’s family? I can’t get more than 3 in my living room and still stay 2m apart, and I don’t like having masks on in the house to reduce that to 1m. Plus I can’t get more than 2 round my dining table and still keep even 1m apart.

Plus if you’re in England you can’t have 7 indoors together. I think it’s unlikely that these rules will change before Christmas, though I hear rumblings that there may be an exception for Christmas Day.

I’ll probably get told off in all the other responses for mentioning this at all, but these are the current rules, and things are getting rapidly worse with COVID at the moment, and multi generational meet-ups like this risk passing the virus (as well as seasonal flu) around the group and especially to the elderly. I don’t understand how people are having folks round to eat with them without ignoring social distancing, unless they live in stately homes.

I completely agree with the above. I keep reading about people having friends round to their house and I have no idea how they are managing to SD. I have been in one friend's house, I was the only visitor and they are a family of 4. Distancing was manageable but only because they have a largish lounge, because I didn't sit at the dining table with them and because they obviously didn't have to distance from each other, only from me. How will 7 people from presumably 3 different households keep far enough apart from each other?

@Brefugee

it's not just one day and presumably your DC is under one so Christmas is completely unimportant to them.

How about you spend this year either at home or at DH parents then next year with your Foster parents on 25th. Divide the other days a different way.

Then rotate. That way your foster parents get to see the DC over christmas and get to see them on Christmas day next year when it's much more exciting for the DC?

Why should OP miss at on your to see her foster parents? Why is this been over looked and the fact that it’s been running for 5 years in a row is quite mean.

YANBU

Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

I wouldn't worry about it too much though as it is unlikely you would be able to join a Big Christmas gathering this year anyway. If you go to your parents, will it just be you?