Which family to spend Christmas with

[BigMC93]

So my partner and I can't agree on who to spend Christmas with this year. For the past 5 years of our relationship we've spent Christmas with his family, but this year we have a DC and, given that we live around the corner from his parents and see them all the time, I thought it would be nice to spend Christmas with my foster parents this year (who live an hour away) in order for them to bond with DC, as I see them as DCs grandparents.

My partners point of view was that DC should spend Christmas with his side of the family, as his Auntie, Uncle, Nanny, and Grandad will be there. This hurt me a tad, as I do see my foster parents as DCs family too. His other point is that my foster parents have 9 other grandchildren, and this is his parents first grandchild.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking we should spend Christmas with my foster parents this year, as they don't get to see DC as often as his parents given the distance and Covid, and it would be nice to let them know they're important in DCs life too?

Obviously if we're in lockdown we'll be going nowhere, but just incase we're not, I would like some advice.

Also, I know this might sound a bit silly to some people and not necessarily a big deal, but to me it's important that I do the right thing. Thank you x

If this Christmas mattered so much he should have shared some of the last 5. He didn’t and it’s about bloody time for your family to get a look in. My dh had to cancel something he really wanted to go to once as we both had something on, but he had been out a few times recently and I had no opportunities to go out since our baby had been born months before, so I pointed out he’d had lots of going outs and it was my turn just about no matter how important he thought his do was.

Can you not visit both or host Christmas at yours and then if one of the sides doesn’t show up it’s up to them?

For us we go and see my partners family in the morning for an hour or two because they’re only ten minutes away and then we drive an hour to have dinner with my family. We currently live in a flat so can’t host Christmas here but as soon as we have a house I’ll be doing dinner and inviting people and then it’s up to them what they do.

How did the discussion go every other year?

When my children were young, my parents lived 300 miles away. We always spent Christmas day at home, building our own traditions, then had Boxing day at my in laws, who lived nearer. All the family came, and it was like a 2nd Christmas day, lovely. One year my Mum said how sad she was that she never saw the children opening the presents she bought, and that is how our new tradition started. We took it in turns, my brother, my parents and me, to host an early Christmas, about 7-10 days before. We treated it like Christmas. Saturday was Christmas Eve, Sunday Christmas Day. It was fantastic, and now, years later, my kids and nieces and nephews still talk about those weekends. Perhaps you could do something similar with your foster parents?

@Sheknowsaboutme

How about staying at yours and leaving it at that?

So much easier.

This is the one.

I would say start as you mean to go on, as your dc gets older, perhaps you'll have more, it might become easier to spend Christmas at home and see one set of family on christmas eve and the other on boxing day.

He sounds really selfish around this. Your family having other grandchildren doesn't make the relationship between them and your child any less important.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Me and my husband have spent the last 2 christmases with his side (the ones we've been married for, pre marriage we both spent them separately with our own families). This year before we even knew we were pregnant we had decided to have Christmas in our own home and host my mum and sister...I then got pregnant last December so baby will spent their first Christmas with my side. This side see DC more frequently but even my mil said my mum is overdue her turn and wouldn't expect us over this year.

Also think its irrelevant if your parents are your foster parents or biological, they're your family still.

How about neither?

a) it's your turn, overdue, after 5 years to choose, so go to your parents and start alternating now
b) if there'd be 7 of you at his parents that's illegal anyway, so that's an extra reason

Why are people saying"stay at home" as a solution as this is not what the OP wants to do?
And given in laws are round the corner, this is not likely to happen without a visit, meaning yet again the OP's family are not involved.

5 years in a row with his side - enough said, nothing else matters, it's either go to yours or your family come to your house. He is totally taking the piss, I suspect the fact they are foster parents means he doesn't regard them as highly as his parents which is very unfair

How come it's been 5 years with his family?

We always do my family but that's partly because the first year we spent Christmas with his and were meant to spend new year with mine. He pitched a fit on NYE as my family don't really "do" new year so it's fairly chilled. After that my family got Christmas and his get new year.

*Can you effectively practice social distancing indoors with 7 of you in the house if you go to you partner’s family? I can’t get more than 3 in my living room and still stay 2m apart, and I don’t like having masks on in the house to reduce that to 1m. Plus I can’t get more than 2 round my dining table and still keep even 1m apart.

Plus if you’re in England you can’t have 7 indoors together. I think it’s unlikely that these rules will change before Christmas, though I hear rumblings that there may be an exception for Christmas Day.

I’ll probably get told off in all the other responses for mentioning this at all, but these are the current rules, and things are getting rapidly worse with COVID at the moment, and multi generational meet-ups like this risk passing the virus (as well as seasonal flu) around the group and especially to the elderly. I don’t understand how people are having folks round to eat with them without ignoring social distancing, unless they live in stately homes.*

Maybe because they behave like normal people and not like anally retentive MN'rs for one day of the year

How about neither?
She doesn’t want neither: she wants her family to get a turn. I’d let him choose either your family for the next 5 years or my family this year and we can alternate after that. We alternate - we always see both for Christmas meals, not necessarily Christmas Day, but the winning family gets Christmas Day lunch.

Do what you want to do, he is being unreasonable. Do not let everyone else make you feel bad and go to your parents.

I recently had to upset MIL by telling her we were not going to hers xmas eve. Went last year with kids and didn't get home until late, kids fell asleep in car, didn't do anything I wanted to do as a little family such as xmas film, bath, pjs, reindeer food and plate out for Santa.
She wants every xmas eve for us all to be at hers and its treat like xmas day, that's not what I want and put my foot down, I want to set my own traditions. The last 3 years have been dictated by her and i want to enjoy xmas not running around pleasing everyone else.

Dont let anyone tell you your in the wrong because your not.

He sounds like a really selfish pig. Personally I believe in having Christmases at home as a nuclear family, but if you really want to go to see your Foster Parents this year, then take DC and go by yourself if he won't come with you, you are well overdue for it. Next year, just like the last 5 years, there will be some reason, too. 'Oh, Aunt Dot that I haven't seen in 15 years is coming'. The year after that it will be 'this is mum's last Christmas, she won't be here to see another Christmas'.
It will never stop. There will always be some excuse. You need to start putting your foot down, how have you let him get his way for the entire past 5 years btw?

@Kalula well said

Hey guys,

I wanted to say a huge thank you to each and everyone of you for taking the time to give me advice!

You're all wonderful, and I'm going to tell him we're doing Christmas with my family this year, and boxing day with his. Because, as some of you pointed out, my family are as important as his, biological or not!

P.S. to those asking why I don't do it at mine, we would just prefer to spend it with family 😊

Also, in previous years I've always just done what he wanted, there wasn't much of a discussion apart from one year when I asked if we could go to England to spend Christmas with my brother and DP wasn't keen on leaving his family so I just done what he wanted.

I want my foster mum and my child to have as much of a bond as DC will have with DPs mother if possible, and Christmas is a very special holiday for me (DP isn't even as keen on Christmas as I am!)

Thank you all 😘❤

the fact they are foster parents doesnt matter but I would totally suggest you dont spend it with either, I never understand why people after having kids still do this

you are your own family unit now you dont need to be fighting over this or dragging the child back and forth, have your own christmas that doesnt 'favor' either set of parents but rather focuses on the child

But will he accept it? I think you'll get a lot of grief. I hope you can stand firm?

Definitely your parents.
I can't believe you've been to his parents the past five years.
He sounds quite dismissive of your family

Good.

Prepare for a LOT of grief and for your eyes to be opened to just how much this guy expects to have things his own way.

We have everyone round for breakfast for present opening then alternate who we have christmas dinner with. However as children have got older and family members have been lost we now go out for a meal with both sides of the family.