NC with DF?

[N0tthe0nlyfruit]

My Dad is an emotionally unstable narcissist who made my childhood and teens hell. I stayed in touch as I hoped he could have a positive relationship with my son, now 12. Recently I don't know...something has changed in me...I just hit a point I can't accept being the family 'whipping boy' anymore. Recent blow up was him having a go at me for nothing- I held up my hands to say 'stop' and he just continued arguing as if I had answered. Just can't take it anymore. My Mum lives in 100% denial and is a slave to him. He speaks to her dreadfully too but I'm the problem as I answer back when he gets abusive. I am at the end of my tether with the situation....help. It just dawned on me last month that he's been behaving like this to me for 40 years. 48 now.

Cut them both out. She is no better

I feel for you op. I've gone NC with both parents over the years. I speak to them both now but after 20 years of therapy on and off I've developed better coping mechanisms and boundaries. It feels like a big thing going NC but do it on your terms and know it doesn't have to be forever if you want to get back in touch with them.
You're not obligated to tolerate abusive behaviour from your parents.
Try it and see how you feel. Good luck

Don't see him again OP. Protect yourself.

Don't engage. Just say you're unable to see them anymore. You owe them nothing.

I feel so scared just thinking about cutting off tbh. Years of bloody therapy have got me through, and self aware enough to not pass it on to my son, but I feel like a mess underneath it all. I can spot the people that had nice childhoods and feel so ashamed of my own. I think even publicly acknowledging the depth of the mess that my family is upset me, as I liked that people assumed I'm 'normal' and my Dad is just 'eccentric' because we have posh accents. He threatened to kill me when I was 25, he pinned me to the wall, kicked me up the stairs, threw me down the hall...but I've such a sense of duty to my parents and if I cut off from him I don't see my DM. Feel like I'm a mess.

The minute I don't answer his calls or get caught up in his endless drama, my Mum and brother cut me off too, just all go distant...left to deal with the situation alone in my head.

Your family sound very toxic.

Why do you feel scared when you think about cutting them off?

Do you get anything positive from them at all?

Why not educate yourself about domestic violence and emotional abuse??? I'm pretty sure that his behaviour will be directed towards the mum as well (whether or not it's behind closed doors or not!) What a ridiculously ignorant piece of advice....

It is directed towards my Mum. If I stand up for myself in a horrible situation with DF, accusing me of being a b$tch, attitude, selfish, whatever he can dredge up....if I don't stand and listen and apologise, she gets the verbal abuse.

Remove yourself, OP. You're 48, not 8. You don't have to put up with it any more. Your Mum and brother need to decide for themselves if they take it or not but if they shun you for not standing for it they are as bad as him.

Step back and take some time for you.

That's just it ktp100, when he gets abusive I FEEL 8 again. I feel like I'm back in the supermarket with him hissing at me in public and me, dying inside from the embarrassment. It was the 70s and nobody ever intervened then.

Thanks for the replies, I'm going to put some distance there for a while.

If you are on Facebook there is a group called Necessary Family Estrangement, it was started by the columnist Sali Hughes and its a really supportive place. We’ve all been through the feelings you are experiencing.

Your dad has been horribly abusive to you

Thank you FreshEggs. Xxx

I have basically went NC with mine. He lives in the next street.
Last year he lost the plot and eventually drove my mum out of her house and she had to live with us for 6 month (now in council accommodation. They BOTH ended up being arrested because if his lies and mental abuse towards her.
I actually did keep in contact with him after that, I let the kids go to see him, I visited him. During that time we had a few arguments but I kept letting it go. After being told things he has said about me by my brother (who still lives with him), like you, something just clicked, and I just stop contacting him. I haven't spoken to him in around 2 months. Unfortunately my kids, especially the youngest still want to see him, so I don't stop them.
He was always a manipulative bully when we were growing up, and even now treats us like children. Honestly though, until my children lose interest and stop seeing him, my life doesn't feel any better because he is ways there, and my mum never stops talking about him.

@N0tthe0nlyfruit

That's just it ktp100, when he gets abusive I FEEL 8 again. I feel like I'm back in the supermarket with him hissing at me in public and me, dying inside from the embarrassment. It was the 70s and nobody ever intervened then.

Thanks for the replies, I'm going to put some distance there for a while.

Perhaps more counselling?

Because it shouldn't be 'for a while ' it should be for good.

Protect your son

Your mum had a responsibility towards you as well. It is not your job to be treated like shit to protect her from verbal abuse.

That sounds so enmeshed Iminaglass. I feel like there is no escape as my Mum needs me.

@hammeringinmyhead that's just it. As a child I used to try to protect her. I was a plucky little thing, she was a total wet. I am disgusted that she let my Dad, and continues to let my Dad, treat her (and me) the way she does. She is pathetic but I love her. My Dad, no. I like spinning the lie of "I love my Dad, he's just difficult/eccentric" to people. It means they don't know the truth about me.

@Nanny0gg I've learnt that sometimes no amount of counselling can help some situations.

@QuoteN0tthe0nlyfruit, why feel ashamed of being a victim of a crime? Because that's what you are, and were. And when you were eight, there was no escape. Your Mum, who should have protected you, while a victim also, enabled your father to continue to abuse you.

Your Mum is making her choices.

You need to make yours. You have a right to remove yourself entirely from the abuser and abuse. And a duty to ensure your son is protected from it.

It’s ok to stay away from people who hurt you, even if you are related to them. Maybe especially if they are related to you.

@mbosnz I think it's because I've fought so hard to construct a public "me" that few would suspect that my actual childhood reality was so grim. As I was gifted and driven, I did well academically, but not as much as I should have and only really barely got through uni, self funded and with constant verbal abuse which became physical, until the uni stepped in in third year and gave me free accommodation. I detest pity. I don't want anyone to know anything about my past as I am so ashamed that my DF is so awful. Today my DH, who's known me since age 15, said that he thought my DF was "an evil man". That shocked me a bit, as I had thought him damaged,dangerous..but maybe not evil. My DS is starting to dislike my DF too. I think my DF had convinced me that I am the problem. As a child I used to fantasise about having different parents, ones that would encourage and "get" me. I don't even know what the wider family, cousins etc, know of our situation. That eats me up, every so often. I wonder if others with abusive pasts are the same?

I wish I could walk away from my DF forever but feel enmeshed in the family too. Perhaps I'm not strong enough....

You could look at the stately homes thread on this site. You've been conditioned to be a victim! I wonder what would've transpired if you had called the police on that mother fucker? You have every right to report him to the police. Unfortunately you're influencing your son by bad example about dysfunctional relationships. What would be so awful if you did go no contact? I bet life would be better.

Not you are strong. Breaking contact with family comes with a great deal of angst and pain.

I think my DF had convinced me that I am the problem yes because as infants we are dependent on our parents. We are biologically hard wired to put out trust in them. They are the centre of our universe. Society generally reinforces this. If your father says it’s your fault and you deserve it and are unloveable that will go very deep.

But you do know it’s not right, so you’ve constructed a ‘public’ you.

It’s ok to walk away. Other people in your family can also walk away. Its not your responsibility to save them. It is your responsibility to protect your son.

Why do you think you'd inspire pity? To overcome what you have done - that's to be applauded. It's inspirational.

But equally - what others think of you? That is not the most important thing. What you think of you, what the most important people in your life (your DH and son?) think of you - isn't that the most important thing?

I come from an abusive past. I have to live with knowing that extended family knew what was going on, didn't think it was 'their place' to intervene - and they've had to live with that too, some of them were kids, same as me, told their parents and it went . . . nowhere.

I wonder if a focus on 'front' is part of the legacy of abuse your father and his enablers have left you?