NC with DF?

[N0tthe0nlyfruit]

My Dad is an emotionally unstable narcissist who made my childhood and teens hell. I stayed in touch as I hoped he could have a positive relationship with my son, now 12. Recently I don't know...something has changed in me...I just hit a point I can't accept being the family 'whipping boy' anymore. Recent blow up was him having a go at me for nothing- I held up my hands to say 'stop' and he just continued arguing as if I had answered. Just can't take it anymore. My Mum lives in 100% denial and is a slave to him. He speaks to her dreadfully too but I'm the problem as I answer back when he gets abusive. I am at the end of my tether with the situation....help. It just dawned on me last month that he's been behaving like this to me for 40 years. 48 now.

@mbosnz I'm actually worried people would even find out about what happened in case my 'front' collapsed so I completely agree with you that this is the legacy of abuse.

I think I'm incredibly resilient, tough and brave, but the pressure of dealing with the situation gets to me.

The real you is a person that others would respect, and love. I wouldn't be surprised if people guessed a lot more than you realised, and they don't care about you and respect you in spite of it, but because of it.

The pressure of keeping up a facade, of keeping people at arms length in case they find out that you are a survivor of abuse, that's wearying, as is the worrying.

It's very much up to you how much anyone should know, and how much you keep private. But I hope you can understand that you, that which constitutes you, which is all of you and your experience, is worthy of love, respect and compassion. From you, as well as for you!

[quote N0tthe0nlyfruit]@mbosnz I think it's because I've fought so hard to construct a public "me" that few would suspect that my actual childhood reality was so grim. As I was gifted and driven, I did well academically, but not as much as I should have and only really barely got through uni, self funded and with constant verbal abuse which became physical, until the uni stepped in in third year and gave me free accommodation. I detest pity. I don't want anyone to know anything about my past as I am so ashamed that my DF is so awful. Today my DH, who's known me since age 15, said that he thought my DF was "an evil man". That shocked me a bit, as I had thought him damaged,dangerous..but maybe not evil. My DS is starting to dislike my DF too. I think my DF had convinced me that I am the problem. As a child I used to fantasise about having different parents, ones that would encourage and "get" me. I don't even know what the wider family, cousins etc, know of our situation. That eats me up, every so often. I wonder if others with abusive pasts are the same?

I wish I could walk away from my DF forever but feel enmeshed in the family too. Perhaps I'm not strong enough....[/quote]
So you have come through an abusive childhood as an eloquent caring adult who recognises this isn't right for your son. You managed to get yourself through school, college and university then met and married a husband who sounds like he supports you and have a child who sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders thanks to your parenting whilst still managing your own internal struggles.

If this isn't the pure definition of strong I don't know what is. You can do anything you want to, you have already proved this to yourself. Cut them out, whilst I feel for your mother she has made her decisions just make clear to her that you are there if she needs you and get on with the great life YOU have carved out for yourself xxx

You are not your mother's safety net

@mbosnz and @123 thank you both so much. Your kinds words made me a bit tearful but I have been thinking over the way you challenged some of my ingrained thoughts about my past. I want to thank you both sincerely...your replies hit home to me just how much I have achieved, against the odds. The family gaslight me and downplay and forget the past. I know the truth, so does DM, but there are times I feel my sense of self under threat. Your encouragement really has made a difference to how I feel. Xx