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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling to deal with my younger sister

46 replies

supersky · 10/10/2020 13:02

I have a younger 19 year old half sister on my dad's side of the family. I don't have much contact with my dad, we didn't speak for years and now we have very limited contact. Not being in contact with him meant not seeing my sister, I knew her untill she was about 3, I always felt bad for not staying in contact with her but the only way I could was through our dad. Last year I went to a family numbers wedding and she was also there. I wasn't even sure if she knew about me but she did. We stayed in touch after that and I found out she was living close by so we started meeting up regularly. She was very keen to have a relationship with me which I was glad about. It's just recently I've found it more difficult, she's a very intense person, that's the best way I could describe her. She's nice and we get on quite well most of the time it's just she's constantly got some sort of drama going on between her friends or her mum. She's turned up at my door a few times after arguments with her mum. The same thing happened the other week, it wasn't anything serious, I tried to help her see her mum's side of it but she was angry with me for not "taking her side". Called me up the next day like nothing happened then got angry again when I said she should apologise for shouting at me. She eventually called me again and said sorry. Are all 19 year olds like this? Have I just forgotten what it was like being a teenager? There's also the problem that being contact with her means having that connection to my dad because he's very much still in her life. She regularly tells me I should speak to him more and I've explained that I don't want to speak to him anymore than I already do, that's the most contact I'll have. She seems to idolise him and I think she's just not seen what he's really like but maybe he's different with her.

OP posts:

BoudiccasBoudoir · 10/10/2020 13:28

How much younger is she?

Original poster

supersky · 10/10/2020 13:40

She's 10 years younger than me

OP posts:

SimplyPizza · 10/10/2020 13:47

You sound quite jealous of her. Do you have to be in her life? Maybe you should go desperate ways. Also if there’s ten years between you then the way you’re talking to her comes across as patronising.

BoudiccasBoudoir · 10/10/2020 13:50

Was your dad abusive? Or just not there for you? I wonder if she is being manipulated/abused in the middle of the drama triangle and that's why she's so anxious and highly strung? Sounds like he's trying to get her to obligate you into seeing him which is part of FOG too (the Fear Obligation and Guilt Tactics which a lot of abusers use to bring people back in).

I think she is reaching out to you when she's struggling which shows she really needs an adult in her life who is there for her and is screaming out for help really. But I can also see how this could be dangerous for you to end up back in that drama triangle and toxic family relationship with Dad. I think starting off with some clear boundaries would be a good start. Eg. No talking about your relationship with your dad that's off limits. Or that she can't turned up announced (if you don't want her to). But I would also be Aware that you might be the most stable person in her life right now and that she might need you a lot more than you realise. What you decide to do is up to you though. You don't have to be there just because she comes knocking.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2020 13:52

When you try to explain an issue from someone else’s point of view she may respond to you in a child/ parent way rather than a sister. Sure she sounds immature but maybe just look concerned and nod? If she asks for advice then give it.

It is a tricky one to negotiate but hopefully over the years the gap will seem less and you will know each other better. Hard to be sisters when you barely know one another.

BoudiccasBoudoir · 10/10/2020 13:57

When somebody is behaving like a child the worst thing to do is talk to them like a child. Instead, talk to them as you would your friend. It might seem like a non issue to you, so maybe try and think of a different issue that bought up similar feelings. For her it might be over a friend texting a boy, for you it might be a boyfriend cheating. Doesn't matter, that feeling of betrayal? How would you deal with that? Try and see her as an equal, even if her problems seem inconsequential to you.

AmIACowBag · 10/10/2020 13:59

Op same age gap between me and my half sister she is just like this I've actually ignored her last text she sent 3 days ago as I dont want to read it as will be drama. They are so annoying.

tearstainedbakes · 10/10/2020 14:04

@SimplyPizza

Are we reading the same post?

What gives you the impression that she's jealous?

Fatted · 10/10/2020 14:06

Nah it's not just 19 year olds. We have similar issues with a family member in my family. I think they have mental health problems. They take any kind of difference in opinion to theirs as having a go at them. They are emotionally draining and as a result I distanced myself from them. It's all kicked off lately because they have decided they want to do something very unethical and morally wrong and can't understand why we don't support them in pursuing this course of conduct. So apparently we are all terrible, never supported them blah blah blah. I've had to block them completely now.

I would reduce contact and don't engage with her about the drama. When she realises you're not interested in being used as an emotional crutch she will likely back off.

Original poster

supersky · 10/10/2020 14:11

I don't feel jealous, why do I sound jealous? I do want to be in her life I just don't always know how to treat her when she behaves imaturely but I think I might be treating her a bit too much like a child sometimes. I wouldn't say my dad was abusive towards me but some of his behaviour was very manipulative, I think some of her words might be coming from him when she talks about him but from what I want tell I don't believe he treats her in the same way

OP posts:

Roussette · 10/10/2020 14:12

I don't think you sound the slightest bit jealous or the slightest bit patronising. Honestly, some posters come on here just to stir it up.

I think it's all to do with age difference. Ten years is a lot between sisters at that age and she just needs to do some growing up. I'm sure you'll get along fine in time, but for now I would be a bit more distant, set out the parameters whereby you do want to see her, and stand your ground with her regarding your dad.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/10/2020 14:15

You didn't sound jealous to me either!

Some people are always surrounded by drama, some people grow out of it. I hope she grows out of it because it's just so tiring.

dottiedodah · 10/10/2020 14:42

This didnt sound like jealousy to me at all .Just a thought though .Do you think DF is using her to get nearer to you? If hes older now its possible he wants to reconnect with you maybe ?

Justwingingmotherhood · 10/10/2020 14:45

You dont sound jealous at all, honestly I think it's just her age. 19 year olds are very dramatic and I was also, i doubt she means any harm. I struggled with my hormones around her age also and was also very dramatic. She will calm down lol xx

LG101 · 10/10/2020 14:56

I hate when I’m upset and my OH try’s to fix my problem or try to make me see the others view point. In that moment I need to vent and once I’m less annoyed and angry I can be more pragmatic.

Maybe try not to offer advice but an ear instead?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 10/10/2020 14:59

Sounds like a typical teenager tbh.

CakeRequired · 10/10/2020 15:04

She's 19, still a teenager. You can't have forgotten what that was like already surely? You're 29, it wasn't that long ago. Teenagers and young adults often love drama, and love to gossip about it. You're her big sister, of course she'll come round to gossip to you or tell you how mean her mum is being. Just smile and nod.

Original poster

supersky · 10/10/2020 15:15

Not so much forgotten I think we're just very different, I've never really gotten involved in drama

OP posts:

SimplyPizza · 10/10/2020 19:53

You sound jealous of the relationship your sister has with your dad, borderline resentful of it, and its affecting your perception of her

Original poster

supersky · 10/10/2020 20:16

I'm not sure what has made you think that, if I wanted a better relationship with my dad I would want to speak to him and see him more which as I've said that's not what I want

OP posts:

Arofan · 10/10/2020 20:22

@SimplyPizza for goodness sake stop being ridiculous. There’s nothing op has said that would mean she’s jealous of her sisters relationship with her dad. On the contrary she doesn’t want to speak to her dad. You don’t sound like you’re reading the same thread as everyone else to be honest.

FredtheFerret · 10/10/2020 20:27

I don't think you sound jealous at all, but I would be irritated at someone - particularly a teenager - telling me how I needed to handle my relationship with my father. It's nothing to do with her, frankly.

I also think she needs to realise that you only met up last year, and you didn't even know if she knew about you. She is claiming a relationship that mostly exists in her head, and is too intense. You are half sisters who barely know each other. There is no shared history and she seems to feel you owe her some kind of 'blood' relationship. But families don't necessarily work like that.

You may be pleased to have her in your life but you don't have to 'taker her side' or have her turn up unexpectedly at your door demanding support and sympathy because she's rowed with her mother. I'd be taking a step back.

SimplyPizza · 11/10/2020 13:59

@supersky

I'm not sure what has made you think that, if I wanted a better relationship with my dad I would want to speak to him and see him more which as I've said that's not what I want

I didn’t say you wanted a better relationship I said it sounded like you’re jealous of the one they have.

Original poster

supersky · 11/10/2020 14:19

@simplypizza I mean if I was jealous I would surely be doing something to have a relationship with him too.

OP posts:

CrimsonCattery · 11/10/2020 16:04

SimplyPizza sounds like someone stirring and being mean for no reason. Nothing they have said makes any sense from your posts.

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