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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling to deal with my younger sister

46 replies

supersky · 10/10/2020 13:02

I have a younger 19 year old half sister on my dad's side of the family. I don't have much contact with my dad, we didn't speak for years and now we have very limited contact. Not being in contact with him meant not seeing my sister, I knew her untill she was about 3, I always felt bad for not staying in contact with her but the only way I could was through our dad. Last year I went to a family numbers wedding and she was also there. I wasn't even sure if she knew about me but she did. We stayed in touch after that and I found out she was living close by so we started meeting up regularly. She was very keen to have a relationship with me which I was glad about. It's just recently I've found it more difficult, she's a very intense person, that's the best way I could describe her. She's nice and we get on quite well most of the time it's just she's constantly got some sort of drama going on between her friends or her mum. She's turned up at my door a few times after arguments with her mum. The same thing happened the other week, it wasn't anything serious, I tried to help her see her mum's side of it but she was angry with me for not "taking her side". Called me up the next day like nothing happened then got angry again when I said she should apologise for shouting at me. She eventually called me again and said sorry. Are all 19 year olds like this? Have I just forgotten what it was like being a teenager? There's also the problem that being contact with her means having that connection to my dad because he's very much still in her life. She regularly tells me I should speak to him more and I've explained that I don't want to speak to him anymore than I already do, that's the most contact I'll have. She seems to idolise him and I think she's just not seen what he's really like but maybe he's different with her.

OP posts:

wineandroses1 · 11/10/2020 16:48

*@SimplyPizza*are you drunk?

Gardengoddess · 11/10/2020 18:40

@SimplyPizza you are patronising and very goady, maybe try help someone else on a different thread

The 10 year age gap will be a little tricky but all you can do is be honest which you sound to be, don't tell her what she wants to hear and continue to be supportive. Its also ok for you to take a step back every now and then OP.

SimplyPizza · 11/10/2020 22:30

[quote supersky]@simplypizza I mean if I was jealous I would surely be doing something to have a relationship with him too.[/quote]
Well no, not surely, because you can be jealous of something without wanting it for yourself. It’s not any of your business what relationship your sister has with your dad.

BlueThistles · 11/10/2020 22:43

You sound quite jealous of her.

What utter crap is this.. FFS

WiserOwl · 11/10/2020 22:45

Wow, that sounds like HARD WORK @supersky

can you take her out for lunch, pander to her a bit before leading in to a chat about boundaries, and saying what I feel ready for is chatting once every 7-10 days or so, because I"m so busy et cetera.

And then if she doesn't respect that, :-( not sure what to do next, but don't contact her more.

WiserOwl · 11/10/2020 22:46

@FredtheFerret

I don't think you sound jealous at all, but I would be irritated at someone - particularly a teenager - telling me how I needed to handle my relationship with my father. It's nothing to do with her, frankly.

I also think she needs to realise that you only met up last year, and you didn't even know if she knew about you. She is claiming a relationship that mostly exists in her head, and is too intense. You are half sisters who barely know each other. There is no shared history and she seems to feel you owe her some kind of 'blood' relationship. But families don't necessarily work like that.

You may be pleased to have her in your life but you don't have to 'taker her side' or have her turn up unexpectedly at your door demanding support and sympathy because she's rowed with her mother. I'd be taking a step back.

Exactly this

SimplyPizza · 13/10/2020 15:55

@BlueThistles

You sound quite jealous of her.

What utter crap is this.. FFS

How is it utter crap? I explained why.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 13/10/2020 16:35

I have many younger family members who have gone through this family drama phase.

Several of mine even liked to drag the polices in on ocassion over petty squabbles that got out of hand. .

They all grew out of it eventually.

It's tea and sympathy time.
Listen.
Nod or shake head as appropriate.
Be completely non-committal.

Say, "that must have felt terrible to you", not "that was terrible of them". Subtle difference but it keeps you out of it.

DO NOT EVER offer your opinion of the other party, as the moment their argument has cooled, it will be repeated that you said so and so, which drags you into the drama or creates fresh drama with you as the focal point.

It's a fine art but if you keep your mouth shut and let them bang on at length, you can stay out of the drama.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/10/2020 18:16

supersky remember that some people like to shit stir, just like in the office there's usually one or two troublemakers who like making things worse.

Read the useful posts and skim over the rubbish.

Re your sister, my youngest half-sister is many years younger, deeply insecure after a difficult childhood and lurches from drama to drama. She also takes her anger out on anyone who doesn't agree with her. In the end I stepped back from her; the best thing I think you can do with your half-sister is to stay calm, love her but not get to involved with the drama. Google grey rock ... respond without getting involved and if it gets too much for you, accept that distance for a while is the best option.

TOFO1965 · 14/10/2020 18:37

@SimplyPizza

You sound quite jealous of her. Do you have to be in her life? Maybe you should go desperate ways. Also if there’s ten years between you then the way you’re talking to her comes across as patronising.

Why do you think that? I didn't read anything in her post to suggest that.

SimplyPizza · 14/10/2020 21:54

Why do you think that? I didn't read anything in her post to suggest that.

Because she is interfering in her sisters life and more concerned with what her sisters relationship with their father is like and that’s not really her business.

AgileMadness · 14/10/2020 22:26

@SimplyPizza are you having trouble understanding the OP? You seem quite determined to put in context that clearly hasn't been provided.
To say the OP is interfering in her sister's life is utter nonsense when the OP clearly says her sister has been the intense party in the relationship.
I'm not sure what your agenda is but I think you should stop now, you're beginning to sound quite ridiculous.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/10/2020 22:30

SimplyPizza are you the younger sister in question?

Onairjunkie · 14/10/2020 23:11

Ignore @SimplyPizza you do not sound jealous and quite categorically state you don’t wish to increase the relationship with your father.

SimplyPizza · 15/10/2020 10:20

@Onairjunkie

Ignore *@SimplyPizza* you do not sound jealous and quite categorically state you don’t wish to increase the relationship with your father.

I didn’t say OP wanted to increase her own relationship with her father, but jealousy over the relationship her sister has is clearly being demonstrated here. And to the other poster no I am not the younger sister.

Original poster

supersky · 15/10/2020 10:51

@SimplyPizza
I don't think I've said anything that suggests anything you're saying is true. The only reason I'm at all interested in her relationship with our dad is because I didn't have a good relationship with him (and no that's not to do with jealousy). I want to be sure she's not being treated in the same way. I'm not interfering in her life, I'm in her life as much as she wants me to be and considering she chooses to see me regularly and tell me a lot about what's happening in her life she's made it clear she does want be to be involved in her life. Me "interfering" in her life has never been an issue for us, I didn't speak about it in my post so I'm not sure why you're even mentioning it. I get the feeling you're maybe adding some personal feelings into this, maybe you have been in a similar situation, that's the only reason I can think of as to why you're virtually making up accusations about me. I did come here for advice and I understand people have different opinions but none of what you've said has been helpful to me

OP posts:

Original poster

supersky · 15/10/2020 10:52

I also wanted to say thank to everyone who has given advice

OP posts:

Chicchicchicchiclana · 15/10/2020 10:56

"You sound quite jealous of her"

??? no she doesn't!

OP, she sounds a bit immature and rather hard work but she is only 19. What are you saying, would you like to see her less often? I think you can achieve that just by gradually thinning the meetings down.

I know from experience that it can be really tricky with half siblings who have a completely different opinion of a parent than you do.

SimplyPizza · 15/10/2020 13:32

The only reason I'm at all interested in her relationship with our dad is because I didn't have a good relationship with him (and no that's not to do with jealousy). I want to be sure she's not being treated in the same way

But your sisters relationship with your dad has nothing to do with you. That’s where the jealousy looks like it’s coming from. It’s none of your business OP. And then you mentioned how he probably doesn’t treat her like he treated you. Again, that’s none of your business and it smacks of jealousy. MYOB.

Caplin · 15/10/2020 13:37

She's a teenager, everything is a drama at that age. She has probably jumped to the conclusion that you will be on her side against her mum and she can run to you, but she will quickly learn that you aren't there to give her a place to go when she wants to stick 2 fingers up to her mum.

TBH, she is probably quite pleased to have someone that is family and 'safe'. but also hers and not her Mum's. Makes her feel a bit special.

AzraiL · 15/10/2020 14:00

OP ignore the nonsense on this thread. You don't sound jealous at all, more concerned that your sister sees your father as someone he may not be, and you've got a right to be concerned - if she is as intense and tightly wound up as you described, any fallout which may eventually occur between her and your father will effect her greatly, and you might not be in a position to help her pick up the pieces.

I think it's nice that you've established a relationship with your half sister. And no, not all 19 year olds are like that. It all comes down to personality and parenting. As far as you're concerned I would make sure to establish healthy boundaries - telling her an apology was in order after she yelled at you was a good start. Keep it up, and keep it consistent.

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