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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obligatory Family Zoom Calls?

48 replies

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 01:26

This isn’t a big deal, but I think it’s slightly odd and wanted to hear other opinions.

During proper lockdown, my SIL said she’d like to start weekly family Zoom calls as DH’s family is scattered and everyone was stuck at home. Nice idea. Then she said we should also have girls-only calls. I suggested once a month max. as everyone was keeping in touch each week.

Now they’ve become an obligation and SIL was grump because I missed the last girls call. It was on Saturday morning (not my preferred time) and I overslept. DH is locked into the family call for 2-3 hours every Friday evening as and it’s become awkward to miss that too. No one has any real news, it’s just hours of chit-chat. DH regularly phoned his parents and brother before lockdown anyway, as they’re the people he’s closest to.

Do you think it’s abit OTT? I like DH’s family well enough but I don’t feel the need to chat this much! Eldest SIL tends to be nosy and offer unsolicited advice, so this is a great way for her to do it.🤣

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 10/10/2020 01:45

I don’t think it’s odd but I don’t think it should be compulsory for everyone every time. And anything over an hour is too long.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/10/2020 01:45

Yanbu. Sounds tedious as fuck. If she gets the hump, so what?

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/10/2020 05:53

It's OTT to be obliged to spend hours of time that you don't want to on a social call. It's not particularly OTT to enjoy chit chatting to family every week. Lots of people enjoy several hours with family once a week.

Building social capital does take some work, though it shouldn't be torture.

Original poster
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 15:38

It’s sort of like an obligatory weekly tea party that we all have to attend, barring serious illness! Then there’s the obligatory girls-only call as well.

I get on fine with DH’s family, but we’re scattered, don’t have a huge amount in common, and they’re not my family, iyswim. I’d never ask DH to do the same for my side.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 15:39

Ironically, eldest SIL’s husband seldom participates.🤣

OP posts:
Shieldingending · 10/10/2020 15:44

YANBU, during lockdown we had this torture with DH family then when restrictions eased so did our zoom calls, they have now restarted and I really don’t want to joint in! It’s very formal, his sister takes charge and everyone has to recount their week !!

gower4 · 10/10/2020 15:47

Totally tedious. Do you have to go on? I never do. Speak to people one to one as and when I/they want to.

Sparkletastic · 10/10/2020 15:50

This sounds hideous. I'm strongly resisting any non-work zooms in this second wave.

katy1213 · 10/10/2020 15:55

Nothing is obligatory. Just stop. You'll be doing them a favour as they can all enjoy talking behind your back.

Northernparent68 · 10/10/2020 15:56

Put your foot down and refuse to participate, if your sil gets the hump so what. As you say no one has anything to say, but zoom is not a good medium for conversation anyway.

Sheknowsaboutme · 10/10/2020 15:56

I had one about a month in to lockdown with 2 friends.

Lasted 4 FUCKING HOURS. I was pissed bored by then and said enough was enough.

Now I only whats app but thats on mute!

CrazylazyJane · 10/10/2020 15:57

Ugh! I get your pain. Same situation here with DP's family. SIL partners (male) are rarely on the family Zoom but if I miss it, with DP, the world ends.

Middle SIL gets upset and texts asking why I don't want to talk to her... it's sooo tedious and strikes me as completely sexist that I'm expected to attend but male partners of DP's family get a hall pass.

Sorry no advice but I share your pain.

Spodge · 10/10/2020 16:00

Sounds horrific.

Original poster
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 16:00

@katy1213. 🤣
@Shieldingending. Same format! Of course, no one’s actually doing much, hence it’s so boring!

Then it moves onto films people watched, books they’ve read, etc., which is fine....but it goes on for SO long. I know SIL means well, but she’s always been a bossy boots. We can make our own balls, she doesn’t need to organize us!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 16:00

*calls not balls😂

OP posts:
Member984815 · 10/10/2020 16:03

I'd hate this , we did one zoom call during lockdown and not everyone was on it , was nice to see some different faces but would not be doing it every week . If anyone wants me they can call me on the phone one to one

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 10/10/2020 16:09

I would hate that. There can't be that much to talk about every single week, twice!, with the same people, especially if you regularly keep in touch anyways.

I would just bow out of most of them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2020 16:11

It’s really not obligatory.

Skip the next one, don’t make excuses, she huffs and decides not to speak to you for a bit - sounds like a result to me.

Can’t you have a family WhatsApp and just send messages as and when something’s happened someone else might give a shit about?

BlueJava · 10/10/2020 16:13

Just give them a miss never mind her grumps. I can't believe your husband's call lasts 2-3 hours and weekly?! What on earth do they talk about?
No way would I rush out of bed on a Saturday for that, it would make the lay in sweeter knowing I was missing it ;)

ktp100 · 10/10/2020 16:13

It's not really obligatory though, is it! You could just say no but you don't want to because SIL will have a mardy.

I'd be pissing SIL off right left & centre!

I love my family and speak to them a lot but no way would I be missing a Saturday morning lie in for a Zoom call, or wasting my friday evenings on 2-3 hours of chatting!

Go on, OP - be the change I'm sure the entire family (apart from SIL) wants!!

Besom · 10/10/2020 16:16

Oh no I wouldn't like it YANBU. Saturday morning? Fuck that!

BackforGood · 10/10/2020 16:17

I don't think it is "a bit OTT", I think it is incredibly OTT.

When we all had to stop going out in March, it was nice to get together with either family or a social group for a quiz or something now and then. The idea of doing a zoom call for 3 hours EVERY WEEK - even at the start - is OTT to me The idea of still doing it now is madness to me. The idea of doing it with people you are only connected with because they are related to your dh is not a positive either.
However, your issue is that you think it is obligatory.
Of course it isn't.
You just don't join. After all this time, you might want to say, "I think this has run it's course now, so I'm not committing to joining in any more" so they aren't wondering if you are okay.

MrsClatterbuck · 10/10/2020 16:23

Sounds horrendous tbh. If you took the initiative and dropped out of the 'girl calls" (what age is she) would that give your DH the incentive to maybe drop out the odd time. That must really tie up your Friday nights and time with your kids and DH . I'm one of those people who don't like to start things that are likely to get set in stone. Like how Christmas is spent for example. You should be free to spend your Friday evenings and Saturday mornings how you wish. The WhatsApp group sounds good and maybe a monthy zoom.

Original poster
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 16:58

We have a family WhatsApp group as well, we all know what’s going on.

Thinking about it, I wonder whether SIL’s abit lonely. They’re early 50’s, chose not to have children, and they live near his family, not hers. Not sure about social life ( not that anyone’s had much of one since Match). Perhaps she needs that connection?

I think I’ll start arranging important things to do on Friday evenings...not sure what, but perhaps we could have a blocked loo next week.🤣

OP posts:
anuffername · 10/10/2020 17:15

Why do you think that it is obligatory?

Just don't join in.