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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Obligatory Family Zoom Calls?

48 replies

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 01:26

This isn’t a big deal, but I think it’s slightly odd and wanted to hear other opinions.

During proper lockdown, my SIL said she’d like to start weekly family Zoom calls as DH’s family is scattered and everyone was stuck at home. Nice idea. Then she said we should also have girls-only calls. I suggested once a month max. as everyone was keeping in touch each week.

Now they’ve become an obligation and SIL was grump because I missed the last girls call. It was on Saturday morning (not my preferred time) and I overslept. DH is locked into the family call for 2-3 hours every Friday evening as and it’s become awkward to miss that too. No one has any real news, it’s just hours of chit-chat. DH regularly phoned his parents and brother before lockdown anyway, as they’re the people he’s closest to.

Do you think it’s abit OTT? I like DH’s family well enough but I don’t feel the need to chat this much! Eldest SIL tends to be nosy and offer unsolicited advice, so this is a great way for her to do it.🤣

OP posts:

lanthanum · 10/10/2020 17:27

I quite like zoom calls, but one thing I like is that there's a 40 minute limit (unless you upgrade). I meet up with a group once a week, we have a chat, and when time's up we get on with the rest of our lives.

JennyWoodentop · 10/10/2020 17:42

There's nothing wrong with regular group calls if that's what you want to do, but you don't want to - so stop it. You don't need to be rude about it, so if she has a strop that's about her not you.

Just say you're too busy & can't make the committment or as another poster said tell her you feel it's run its course - if you felt like it you could soften that by thanking her for organising it, how lovely it's been etc. If you want to you could offer to check in periodically if the calls continue but don't make a committment she can hold you to. I probably wouldn't do that if she's very controlling.

As for the 3 hour calls on Fridays, it's up to your husband to deal with that if he wants to - nothing wrong with popping in for 10 minutes saying hello to everyone, making sure everyone is well & then saying he has to go. You certainly don't need to be a part of it. If he's stuck there for 3 hours that's something he's choosing to do either because he wants to, which is fine, or he's too scared of their response if he sets limits.

Just because this is what they want to do, it doesn't make it something you're obliged to do and you are not wrong for not wanting to. All families are different - personally I get in contact with some of mine for a chat and others I am only in contact with if there is something to communicate and wouldn't just chat with. I would have nothing to do with inlaw communication, that's up to my other half to deal with and I certainly wouldn't get embroiled in regular zoom calls with them.

cptartapp · 10/10/2020 17:48

We tried it once with PIL, SIL and four teen boys. It was like pulling teeth, lots of awkward silences and talking to the top of peoples heads.
MIL stated she wouldn't be doing it again so hasn't seen us and our DC for four months now.
SIL and her DC live next door to them though so she has what she really wants on tap anyway.

WellTidy · 10/10/2020 17:56

I’m resisting DH’s side of the family zoom calls in a second wave too. They were really time consuming in lockdown, when DH and I were absolutely exhausted with work and childcare and everything else, and DH’s parents were full of energy and time and absolutely nothing to do but want to chat and chat. Which of course was lively for them and why not, but I found the calls lengthy and hard work as everyone talked over each other!

TheLastStarfighter · 10/10/2020 18:02

Good lord that sounds awful! Just don’t attend.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 10/10/2020 18:03

Sounds horrendous.

I was overjoyed when the family zoom quizzes ended, it was painful. Everyone else seemed to love them but I found them forced and hard work.

Ours came to a natural end when people started going out more and thank god, no one has suggested reinstating them yet.

I think sometimes you just have to say no. I do work shifts so had a handy excuse to miss a few quizzes.

Wibblypiggly · 10/10/2020 18:10

Fuck that. That would be tedious Ruth my own family, let alone the in-laws...

Wibblypiggly · 10/10/2020 18:17

With* my own.

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2020 18:44

I suppose I don't want to be the meanie who says I've had enough - and neither does my DH. SIL doesn't take hints, you have to spell it out to her and deal with any resulting upset.

Oh well!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/10/2020 18:50

Oh my gosh I would HATE this. My obligatory calls are for work, they pay me so they get to decree that I'll turn up for a call but family? Not a chance and I'd get this obligation quashed asap.

What's the point of it? It's gone from being a nice thing for a family catch-up to a demand. Be honest and be straight about it. Make it clear that you very much value the family but never a subpoena.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 10/10/2020 19:00

Ours are shorter (40 min free access limit)but I still have to grit my teeth a bit. We're in local lockdown and MIL keeps on at us to meet up, even though it's not permitted, so it feels like a compromise. They've never really grasped how zoom works and keep talking over the DC to the extent that the DC switch off, and then it's just H and I making Groundhog Day small talk. PILs are good, kind people, and for the brief time we could meet in the garden that was lovely, but Zooming them is hard work.

thecatsthecats · 10/10/2020 19:01

I had a severe episode of covid during a zoom call with DHs parents. I missed a later one because our cat threw up spectacularly and needed cleaning up.

Both of those things eminently preferable to the zoom call.

(And I LIKE his parents - they are just not good webchat people)

GarlicMonkey · 10/10/2020 19:04

Ah, you have a control freak SIL too? Aren't they fun? I refuse to have anything to do with mine but she regularly manipulates DP & brings her own brand of misery. It's all Facebook groups with her & every title has to refer to how 'crayzee' they all are. Tedious, attention seeking, alcohol dependant fuckwit more like.

RomaineCalm · 10/10/2020 20:22

I think a lot of people have 'Zoom fatigue' now. I spend nearly all of my week on work video calls that are obligatory that there's no way I'd be sending my time off staring at a screen no matter how much I love my family.

Either make some excuses for the next few weeks, claim a digital detox or be honest and say that you're all 'Zoomed Out' just now and will catch up in a few weeks (you can still send messages/check in if needed).

gower4 · 11/10/2020 20:04

@GarlicMonkey I'm sorry to 😂, but at least I'm not alone

Laiste · 11/10/2020 20:31

LORD Yanbu OP!

We did 2. I don't know exactly how long they went on for but i think the first was apx. 2 hours.

I managed about 15 mins and then ''had to start DDs tea ..''. For the second i was ''around but busy ...''

Laiste · 11/10/2020 20:33

@GarlicMonkey you can add me to the club as well. Everything to do with SIL is SO much more dramatic than anything anyone else in the family goes through ... Except it really isn't

keeprocking · 11/10/2020 20:35

Sounds like a version of Groundhog Day. What on earth do people find to talk about for so long, the family version is bad but an all-female version would be hell. Can people never say No, I don't want to?

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/10/2020 22:10

I feel better now that I’m not being totally unreasonable! SIL isn’t horrible, she just doesn’t take hints and it’ll be hard to explain that we’d like to spend Friday evenings another way....as for the girls-only calls, I’m going to be exceptionally boring next time and declare I have no news whatsoever. It might shorten it.😂

OP posts:

Shizzlestix · 11/10/2020 22:45

2-3 hours on a Friday night?! No way! Friday night=crap Tv, nice drink, fall asleep, chat with dh who I probably haven’t seen all week. We spoke to family more during lockdown than usual but thank god we’ve now gone back to the usual WhatsApps. I’m not prepared to spend hours of my life listening to others droning on about inanities, it’s not fair on anyone. As for the Saturday mornings, no, I’m way too busy to spend ages waiting for then participating in a pointless longwinded call. I work Mon-Fri, home by 6, then food, check on elderly neighbour, sort out house etc.

Honestly, OP, woman up, tell her you’re just too busy to be tied to a zoom call. Make a decent excuse that is regular!

Skysblue · 12/10/2020 22:55

We had someone in our family try to organise this type of stuff. Ended up being quite blunt: said we have to use zoom too much for work stuff and don’t want to be on it for social stuff too, we will catch up individually with people over phone same as always. Then just don’t join in.

And yes sil sounds a bit lonely but if she is this bossy I can see why!

DuaneBenziesvoice · 12/10/2020 23:07

I feel your pain op. When lockdown first started, my sisters decided we should do a family zoom call once a week mainly for our mum as she's on her own. That became twice a week, an hour each time. Only they've never stopped.
Mostly my mum spends all her time moaning about how fed up she is, forgetting that she's been out and about all over the place whereas I'm immunosuppressed and have barely been anywhere.
Now it all seems to be locking down again, I can't see them ending any time soon.
I can actually imagine them still happening in 2 years time

And they're so BORING no one has anything to say. Last week they ended up talking about what herbs they liked (as well as having a go at me for not saying anything).

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/10/2020 00:52

Just a quick update to report that I didn’t participate in Friday’s call and watched crap TV instead. Guess who else didn’t...bossy SIL as her DH had planned a surprise for her out somewhere.

So It seems these calls aren’t really so important when she had something better to do.🤣

OP posts:

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