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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What did he mean by this?

31 replies

Hels69 · 09/10/2020 20:32

My ex came round yesterday to collect his things. We had been together 4 years. Lived together for 2. He loved me so much. Everyone always commented on it.
I stopped trusting him after he lied about something and we then spent a month arguing and me wanting to check his phone etc. He finally had enough and dumped me out of the blue.
I have been devestasted.. Really ill over it all. We were planning marriage etc.. I don't know when that all changed. We were happier than ever during lock down. Loved spending all our time together.
His parents don't like me and I strongly believe that factored into his decision. He is very much a mamas boy.. Even calls her to ask what colour socks he should buy lol.
Anyway we spent the whole day together yesterday. We hugged and kissed all day watched a film had takeout. He cried a lot. We lay in bed hugging and kissing and he asked me if I had made peace with the breakup. I asked if if he had and he replied no not really. I said I hadn't either. I wish I had asked him what he meant by this.. Made peace? He asked me a few times how I had been feeling and each time I said I had been fine because I don't want to tell him I have actually been a mess.
Iam just so confused by the whole thing. A month ago he was talking marriage and saying he couldn't live without me and now we are like this?
We are both mid twenties.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 09/10/2020 20:34

Sounds like he wants to get back together but feels like if you do you need to trust him.

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2020 20:35

He wanted you to say you want to try again. But I'd be wary, later on he could say he tried again for your sake and you should be grateful. Do you think he was cheating?

emilyfrost · 09/10/2020 20:38

He finally had enough and dumped me out of the blue.

He didn’t dump you “out of the blue”, he dumped you because you spent a month invading his privacy trying to check his phone.

You either trust him or you don’t, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t be together.

It’s not a healthy relationship if you’re wanting to check up on him, and it’s not okay for you to monitor him either. He’s every right to say “fuck that” because it’s not acceptable.

Original poster
Hels69 · 09/10/2020 20:38

But he hasn't asked to get back together. Iam so confused. He treated me like his girlfriend all day. He swears he doesn't want to date anyone else and that he might even stay single for months or even years or in fact be like his bachelor uncle who lives unhappily alone in his sixties??

OP posts:
Original poster
Hels69 · 09/10/2020 20:40

Yes I agree Emily. I wish I could go back in time and not act like I did that month.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 09/10/2020 20:42

@Hels69

Yes I agree Emily. I wish I could go back in time and not act like I did that month.
He wants you to ask him out and say this. He doesn’t want to be the one to ask
Travis1 · 09/10/2020 21:06

Ok, but what was he lying about that made you not trust him?

Notthetoothfairy · 09/10/2020 21:10

If you’re not together, stop spending time with him, let alone hugging and kissing! You need to let him miss you and decide whether he wants to come back (if you would even want him back after he did that).

Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2020 21:12

What did he lie about? Why did you want to check his phone?

I’m always a bit wary when I hear ‘everyone says how much he loves me’ - it feels like love has become a performance.

My DH and I ate very close and happy and a pair of soppy twits. No one has said that to either of us in 15 years.

NerrSnerr · 09/10/2020 21:18

What did he do to make you want to check his phone etc?

CovidStoleTheRainbow · 09/10/2020 21:22

You mean you are both twelve

Original poster
Hels69 · 09/10/2020 21:24

He told me he was going hiking alone but I found out it was with a female work colleague. He swears they are just friends but a week after our break up he went out with her again for a goodbye meal. She has transferred 200 miles away for the next 3 months. He still says nothing was going on but admits he found her attractive and liked her company.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 09/10/2020 21:25

What did he lie to you about?

Mellonsprite · 09/10/2020 21:27

He told me he was going hiking alone but I found out it was with a female work colleague. He swears they are just friends but a week after our break up he went out with her again for a goodbye meal. She has transferred 200 miles away for the next 3 months. He still says nothing was going on but admits he found her attractive and liked her company.

This is not good, if he’s committing to marry you he shouldn’t have done this.

StopMakingShitUp · 09/10/2020 21:31

You deserve better.

He lied about going out with a woman he fancies.

He could be lying that nothing happened with her. He could be telling the truth but the trust would be gone for me.

It could be coincidence that he's come back to you now she's moved away for three months.

My concern would be, can you trust him in three months when she returns, are you going to be wondering when he says he's going out in a trip/event alone or are you going want reassurances he's not lying again?

If you have any doubt than when she's back you'll wondering if he's out with her, then I'd not get back together.

Bonniface · 09/10/2020 21:33

That was a big lie, OP. No wonder you struggled to trust him. The aftermath of a breakup is really hard but it sounds like you had good reasons for your concern about the relationship.

jetadore · 09/10/2020 21:40

His parents don't like me and I strongly believe that factored into his decision. He is very much a mamas boy.. Even calls her to ask what colour socks he should buy lol.

This would put me right off marrying him, never mind the lying.

Travis1 · 09/10/2020 21:48

Nope. Stop kissing and cuddling him block all contact and work at moving on. If you say you were wrong not to trust him then you’re giving him the big green light to go ahead and do the same again

MostTacticalNameChange · 09/10/2020 21:52

Fuck him off. Lying mummy's boy who can't communicate. You'll be Irish dancing on eggshells and second guessing everything he says for any subsequent relationship.

Giespeace · 09/10/2020 21:56

My first thought is that he wants to know if he can keep you ticking over on the back burner in case he has a dry spell or his ego needs a boost.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 09/10/2020 22:04

Wanker. Move on

BlueThistles · 09/10/2020 22:13

It's over, he fancies someone else. Flowers

CSIblonde · 09/10/2020 22:13

He was testing the water, seeing if you'd want to get back together. After lying over the female colleague thing I'd prob say he has form: people have default patterns of behaviour. This is his.

YouokHun · 09/10/2020 22:17

And what’s his parents’ problem with you? It’s hard going being with someone Long term whose family don’t like you.

I agree with others about spending the day together, it just adds confusion and prolongs the misery. He sounds gutless; moral cowards can cause a great deal of pain while they’re trying to soften the blow by dithering or trying to be “nice”.

It sounds like there’s some growing up to do. I don’t mean to sound patronising and of course there many examples of happy couples who met young, but you were pretty young when you met and perhaps you’ll look back in a few years and think “phew, that wouldn’t have worked”, I know I look back on that time and know that for me the twenties was a decade I was still working out what I wanted and what I didn’t want, maybe it’s the same for both of you?

Dodgydreamer · 09/10/2020 22:37

He's mucking you about!

He broke your trust - lies are a huge red flag, why lie if there is nothing to hide? Lies about other women x100 red flags- and now wants to be all kissy cuddly?

As for "invading his privacy" as a PP said, well, again he broke your trust and should have been open to rebuilding that through transparency.
That would have been a good start, but instead he just decided to jettison the whole relationship? When you were planning on getting married? That does not speak to a trustworthy partner who plans on spending their life with someone in a mutually respectful and loving relationship, nor does it speak to someone who fully accepts that what they did was wrong and was willing to put in the work to rebuild trust.

Nope. Big fat nope! I know it's really really hard but you need better boundaries and some time apart break up for good for your emotions to settle but in the mean time don't let him "play" at being your boyfriend when he really isn't.

Frankly it would seem to me he wants some sexy benefits without the commitment and the ego boost of you telling him how much you miss him and want him back. Don't tell him those things and do not sleep with him! Good for you telling him you have been fine even if you haven't been, bet that gave him a moments pause!