To ask how you do it all

[toiletpaper]

I'm a single mother to two lovely kids, have a FT job working three 12.5 hour shifts a week, have a dog and have to run a house all on my own. How do people manage to do it all, and more, successfully? I don't often have energy to make a hearty good meal and simple stuff like washing dishes, laundry and hoovering I find a chore (no pun intended). I wonder sometimes if it's a case of not being able to cope with it all and maybe there's a hint of depression but I don't want to trivialise the horrors of real depression if it's not. I'd love to be able to make some sort of rota for house jobs as I think that would help but I work shifts all over the place so that wouldn't work. I'd also love to be able to drop to two shifts a week as I think it would help but don't think I could afford it.

Some tips or advice would be much appreciated!

I use gousto to avoid meal planning woes and make sure we get a balanced diet
Milkman delivers essentials and a weekly fruit box
Supermarket delivery for everything else
Clean laundry goes on the bed in the spare room for the DCs to sort out, if they don't then at least they know where to find their things. Ironing is done on a need to wear basis by the person who wants to wear it, all school shirts are non iron.
After dinner we don't wash up, i do it in the morning while they are in the shower before I make the lunches so I get to relax in the evenings.

Well you already are amazing holding down a good job and 2 dc. I would declutter as much as possible. Make easy meals (pasta pesto and veg)
Slow cooker for homemade soups etc and freeze
Stews and curries- batch cook

I worked the same shift pattern as you for a time while a single parent. I used to bargain with myself in order to get motivated. A load of washing every 2nd day. Of my 4 days off, 1 day was spent batch cooking, 1 day cleaning the house so I had 2 days of doing sweet FA (guilt free) 😁

My tip is to get realistic about the amount of time you have available. I used to make study timetables in school and college that were unachievable and one day I hit on the idea of timetabling all the other things I had to do and working out what time was left over and fitting study into that.
I do the same now - work out what I have to do and how much time it really takes, allowing for commuting, finding parking, sitting waiting for dc, cooking meals, eating, etc. I prioritise the life-will-grind-to-a-halt-if-I-don’t-do-this jobs and I’m realistic about how long they take. Then I put in my downtime because that’s what charges my batteries.
Then I look at what time is actually left and it’s not very much so I stop feeling guilty about not getting round to it all and instead I just put in ten or twenty minutes here and there, knowing it makes a difference eventually.

This book Decluttering at the Speed of Life explains how to declutter without making a bigger mess, and I’ve adopted that philosophy in other areas so that I’m not making more work for myself.

I have been a SP for 11 years and my eldest has just left home for uni 😢😢😢

I’ve worked FT all the way through. My top tips:

• get yourself well and keep yourself well. I eat a ‘no crap’ diet. I don’t eat any processed crap food. This means I’ve the energy of a toddler. I’m ready to face the day and you can just do the things you need to do as a SP without exhaustion. Without doing this, everything else to follow is harder.

• don’t sweat the small stuff. Literally

• give the kids as much responsibility as they can bear. Mine have earned their own pocket money from an early age. They’ve been able to cook meals from pretty young. They can do all the basic survival things such as not losing your keys, wallet and any item they own. Their room is their responsibility, getting their washing to me is their responsibility, looking out for each other Is their responsibility.

• have an evening meal together every night. At a table with no devices. Because it’s so busy this is the commitment to check in, catch up and interact properly. This small seemingly insignificant family commitment has genuinely cemented our bond and trust over the years. We have probably missed 20 nights over 11 years. This is it...the quality time, the reset from the day, the making sure everything is ok. It’s also my favourite part of the day and one that has become more fun and joyful as they’ve got older. I don’t resent cooking at all because of this.

Like I say, my eldest has just left home. I’m super proud of him and actually proud of myself that we made it through relatively unscathed. He’s 18 so still got lots to learn but he’s got the basics right and seems to be a really fine young man.

@chillibeansauce it's the organised mum method by Gemma Bray. She has a book, blog and app.

We don’t!

Single parent to one (although partner now lives here, making life a lot easier).

-cleaner, she is amazing and saves me hours of housework each week, she also does laundry which is a huge help.
-eufy vacuum cleaner
-I make large evening meals so during term time the leftovers can be stuffed into a wrap, pitta etc for my sons school packup
-online food shopping
-lower standards
-ADHD helps, unless I’m asleep I’m always doing something
-dishwasher is the love of my life
-children old enough to walk and hold are old enough to help in maintaining their home

You work 3 long shifts, which although it gives you free time on the other days, can be a dangerous shift pattern in terms of self care. If be inclined to make sure you have very little to do on those days other than work. Make sure you have a healthy hearty meal that you enjoy ready to just heat up (you can't expect to work long days on minimal nutrition). And remember that you get no rest time on those days, so make sure you ringfence some rest time on the other days.

I hate doing a big clean so I started doing the "orgnaised mum" method.

Assign a different room to each day of the week and spend just 30 mins doing it. A few months in, I am finding that some rooms are only taking me 20 minutes because its so much easier to stay on top of it now.

Including washing and dishwasher (which I am teaching my 8 yr old to do. I probably spend less than 45 minutes a day cleaning and do very little at the wekend.

absolutely what most others have said, plus I think I have also had to accept, and this is part of the kids now being tweens rather than smaller, is that they are allowed some control over their space, so their rooms are not a high priority for me. I'm a teacher so through term time, so long as washing is in their baskets, I leave their rooms alone (other than changing bedding). If all the books are on the floor or the toys are all mixed up and they can't find something, tough. DD has said she likes her room messy, so fine - I just don't go in there. At schools hols when they are at their dad's for a stretch, I do a bigger sort and clean of everywhere but compared to how the house used to be, my standards are definitely lower and I know my mum is itching to come round and do stuff (she often does if she's babysitting) and I'm very grateful, but scrubbing the shower tiles is something that can wait. I used to have a cleaner but she left and I haven't found another. Think I'll muddle through for now.

Meals - X on toast, lots of pasta, decent stuff at the weekend, lots of healthyish snacks around like rice cakes, oatcakes and cheese, fruit, hommous. Cheese and Bean pitta wrap with cucumber and carrot takes seconds in the microwave and always goes down well.

I'm also a SP, I have 3 DC, a dog and a cat, and work 30 hours a week over 5 days so not quite as much as you but I totally understand the overwhelm.

-TOMM app. Little blitzes of housework every day makes a massive difference to not just how tidy my house is, but how clean too. It has been a game changer. (Its never going to be show home standard but I've got much more interesting stuff to do so that's fine with me)

-I dont cook "properly" every night. Cheesy beans on toast, or a proper jacket spud with tuna mayo, or a cold plate of little snacky things (cold meats, tomatoes, cheese, crackers, grapes etc) is fine a few nights a week.

-I eat at the same time as the dc, approx 5pm (sometimes earlier if they are ravenous and I can serve it quick enough). I used to wait until 7 ish but find that eating together gives me so much more time and it's lovely having everything done and dusted and tidied away by 6. Eating later meant I was straight into bedtimes and kitchen sprucing often got left until my bedtime which made it a dreaded (and oft neglected) task.

-Alexa in living room, kitchen, my bedroom and phone- being able to add to my to do and shopping lists whenever something pops into my head helps me capture it all.

Good luck OP, good enough is honestly good enough.

Cautionary tale:

I tried to do it all - result - mental breakdown from which I've never really recovered and that was 15 years ago.

Seriously give yourself a break! The kids are still young and that's a lot in itself.

Give yourself permission not to be "perfect"

Use time and energy saving solutions wherever you can.

Pre-prepared fruit and veg is just as nutritious as spending hours peeling and chopping

If you don't already get groceries delivered

2-3 nights a week of freezer to oven or ready meals or a picnic tea won't actually harm anyone.

Limit cleaning and tidying etc to what's absolutely necessary and don't go by ridiculously high standards claimed by you tubers or online and thus unproven claims. I have dx ocd and I frequently see contradictory and insane claims by the same posters on here as to what they do daily etc same on certain famous cleaning self proclaimed "experts" - take the claims with a large pinch of salt!

Outsource as much as you can, get a cleaner if you can, send your ironing out (if you're even that fussed about ironing I've not done it for years due to disability and I've not noticed a massive difference) hell send your whole laundry out! Yes you can do that! Find your local commercial laundry (that does the laundry for hotels, restaurants etc) and they usually have a domestic service too. I used to work for one years ago and recently looked up how they work now for another poster on here and was pleasantly surprised to see such services still going and still reasonably priced. You can bundle up a weeks laundry, they collect it, wash, dry and iron and return to you if you wish the next day but generally on your "day" when they collect the next lot. If you send things like suits and shirts they'll return them neatly pressed and on hangers. Even if you only used a service like this fortnightly for linens and special items (eg handwash only) it could massively reduce how much time you spend on laundry

The kids are plenty old enough to sort a lot of their own bits and pieces. They can certainly:

Empty school bags and put rubbish in the bin

Put dirty laundry in the hamper, if you want to avoid mixed wash problems give them a pop up one each in their own rooms.

Take out the clothes they're wearing the next day the night before ready

Put any rubbish they create in the bin

Put things away that they have used - you probably do this already but make sure their storage is low and easy to access.

Put dishes in dishwasher, 10 year old is old enough to wash up with supervision

Fetch their own drinks and occasional snacks

10
Year old I would say is old enough to hoover and 7 year old to do basic dusting/wiping down.

As they get older the more they can do/be responsible for.

My dd was doing her own laundry at 11/12 as a result of a discussion following me apparently washing the "wrong" but identical school sweater! I was like "right! Here's how the washer works crack on!" And she preferred it too.

She also likes cooking and started around 9/10 doing simple things like pasta and sauce and building up. She still despairs (at nearly 20) that she can't time a roast but a lot of adults find that tricky, she'll get there eventually.

At times I felt guilty expecting her to help out but her BFF at high school comes from a large family and they were all expected to help out so it was seen as normal and she assures me she's glad we did it this way as she learned not only to do chores and do them effectively, but to be an active part of having a clean, tidy and welcoming home.

Wish I'd been given my own advice before the breakdown though (she was very little at that point), I was doing what I thought was expected of me, I was a full time student, part time worker, volunteer and single mum. And my house was pristine! I was proud of that at the time, but I was getting maybe 4 hours sleep a night. It's not healthy

Don't do it all op

Utilise your children - everyone should be helping you on a daily basis. Split up the child friendly jobs and get them involved.

A two hour clean every week would not be a huge amount, and would take the pressure off. I would personally stretch to finding one that could help you every week until the dc are slightly older

Keeping things very minimal and decluttered is the key - rooms are so much easier to clean if they are not full of stuff

Build in a few hours off every week for yourself.

@chillibeansauce TOMM is the organised mum method. You can get the app (It's about £5) and it gives you a list of jobs every day. Monday to Thursday are a 30 minute clean of a different room each day. Friday is a 30 minute extra clean on a Rom which varies each week and includes garden.

I don't do it to the letter, I do bedding fortnightly not weey, but I find just having the list there, 30 minutes, crack on and it makes a difference. When I was really into it (slacked off recently) I could really tell the difference

All brilliant suggestions, thank you. I'll download TOMM, it sounds perfect for me! I don't have a dishwasher sadly although I know it would be amazing if I did as I HATE washing dishes, it's my worst job. But I live in a rented house so no dishwasher for me until I own somewhere

Worked full time since dd was 7. Do have a DH but he was is a workaholic so actually added to the workload. House was v tidy the year and a half he was in NY more than London - and he is pernickety.

Cleaner counteracts DH.

My savers:
Have shopping delivered
Use the tumble dryer and fold as much as poss asap (saves time/keeps tidy)
Use the dishwasher - DC can unload this
Batch cooking: spag bol, casseroles, etc, with two or three portions then frozen
Bagged salad
Nothing wrong with a shop bought lasagne if you serve it with veg.
Tidy kitchen/bath/laundry daily - 20 mins - I do it when I get up at 6 and before bed at 10.30.
Day for hoovering
Day for dusting
Day for mopping
Day for wiping down
(Shouldn't take more than 30 mins unless you have a big gaff)
Shoes, coats, bookbags at the front door before bed and clean uniform out night before
Beds don't need changing more than fortnightly
Simple sarnies (cream cheese, ham, tuna) prepared on Sunday and wrapped into portions and put in frèezer. Toppers are box in fridge (large) containing 10 bags with: satsuma or grapes, squeeze yoghurt, babybel (mix it up). Bung a bag and frozen sarnie in each child's lunchbox every morning).
Put things away straightaway
Don't sit before you do something.

I think the poster might have been asking where the children's dad is to establish if they spend any time with him e.g. weekends /evenings to see how much child free time you have. Not that you should spend all your child free time cleaning of course! But it's a bit different if they are with you 24/7 or if they are away at their dad's every weekend. People could give you different advice based on the time you have available.

OP - I don’t have the answer - I feel run ragged and I’m married with a very involved present husband and a cleaner.

However. There was a point a few months ago I just couldn’t keep the house in order. I don’t like housework and neither does my husband and my two sons both have additional needs.

But I’ve made a few small changes which have helped:

3 laundry baskets in the hallway - labelled Darks, Whites, Colours - clothes are sorted automatically for the wash. 1 load a day. Dryer on a timer to come on at 6am

Declutter everywhere - I have got rid of masses of stuff. Gadgets, clothes, ornaments, tools, paint, toys etc

Cook in advance

Have some fun and downtime

Don't ever think the cleaning etc will end - it won't!

Draw a line under what you can do in the time allocated. Enjoy your life! That will be more important to you in years to come than whether the skirtings were spotless. Do the basics, make sure you have clean clothes. Book one Sunday a month for a thorough clean, enjoy your children - don't look back and wish you had been more relaxed parent and enjoyed your little ones more, read to them, chill in the bath and worried less about cleaning and more about wellbeing.

This is how I did it with my 2 kids, working full time, studying part time, no family help anywhere, no cleaner or nanny:

Weekdays:
6:00: Wake, do some studying for 20mins, shower
6:30: Wake the kids, get them in the shower and dressed, get my work things ready, tidy my room
7:15: Downstairs to make breakfast, kids have breakfast, I make their beds, general tidying, I get dressed, hair and make up (I don't eat in the morning)
7:30: Wash up breakfast things, tidy kitchen
7:45: Leave for breakfast club and work
17:00: Collect kids from afterschool club, head home
17:15: Everyone changes to home clothes, put their stuff away, home work, TV, another shower for me, clean bathroom, chill out
18:20: Make dinner, eat dinner
18:50: Chill out on the sofa, watch TV, chat, talk, play games, whatever we like
(If I'm going out, I usually go at 8pm so I might get dressed too)
19:30: Get ready for bed, brush teeth, get them into bed.

My evening starts here:
19:45: Come downstairs, sweep floors, do the dishes, clean kitchen, get packed lunches ready for tomorrow
20:10: Watch TV, do studies, emails, pay bills, order stuff, life admin
22:00: Go to bed - social media, chat with friends etc
23:30: Fall asleep

Weekend:
Usually very lazy.

I do all main cooking once a month on a weekend - African food: stews, soups, beans, meats, chicken, fish, everything - all packed in batches, pots, bags in the freezer. At meal times, I just cook the rice, pasta, starches etc so it takes about 15mins during the week.
I also have chips, chicken nuggets and the likes for one day a week.

Shopping is done in the weekend on the way back from the children's activities and lessons.

Laundry is done once a week in the weekend. Everything goes in the laundary basket. I do NO ironing whatsoever. I buy clothes that don't need ironing.

I clean as I go, I might do a big blitz once in 3 weeks or longer. This weekend, I'll vacuum the rooms - I sweep during the week. Next weekend, I might do wipe downs etc

I try to practice minimalism which helps with clutter.

Can I just say, I have PLENTY of time left over to do my thing, play with the kids and take them places and to write my essays and coursework. I do wonder how people get so busy that they have no time to rest or eat or relax. I think the key is clearing the clutter - of things, people and 'must-dos'.

And by the way @toiletpaper, you're not alone. I HATE chores. I hate cooking and cleaning. So I do the cooking on the day I have the energy to do it and I burn all the energy out by cooking EVERYTHING I can and freeze in batches. I have a timetable of meals the kids agreed to so there is no need to think about what to make.

The laundry and cleaning, get the kids involved. You don't have to launder everyday. Find a central place in your home where you keep the laundry baskets and get everyone to use that place for all their dirty laundry. Get the kids to sort the colours and take them to the machine. Get them doing bits so it's not all on you.

The key is organisation.
This morning I have;

• got kids up dressed and fed
• made all the beds

-washed and dried the bedding -washed and dried all my other Laundry

• ironed and put away the uniforms
• put away all the other laundry
• sorted out sports/swim bags for the week
• hoovered/ sorted out bins
• wipes down the kitchen

-took dd to a sports club/collected her

• cleaned the bathroom
• dd fed the chickens and the cat
• helps dc to tidy their room

I still have a few bits to do but I'm sitting down to have a cuppa while the dc are colouring.

I am not a single parent op but my dh is away for work for weeks at a time.

Later I will do a stock take, do the food shopping and make a meal plan for the week as I work FT (every day) and I'm currently studying too.

I just get on with it, I am tired but hey ho.

But I live in a rented house so no dishwasher for me until I own somewhere sad

I seem to recall you can get countertop dishwashers...

@kittykat35 I'm ashamed of myself

This morning, I have showered and dressed and had breakfast
The children have had a 1 hour zoom language lesson and have had breakfast
I'm now sitting and reading mumsnet while watching 'The End' but I have laundry, wipe downs and wardrobe organization planned for before 1pm when they have martial arts.

Thanks for getting me off my bum!

A quick Google suggests that there are ones that sit on the draining board, take water from the tap and drain into the sink.