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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect parents to babysit daughter in our own home

33 replies

tiredmumsclub1 · 08/10/2020 20:02

Hi,
Just wondering what you all think.
Have really struggled with becoming a parent, lots of failed expectations and stress with one thing or another. My own mum and dad haven't been particularly hands on as grandparents but will babysit my DD occasionally for a couple of hours a night so we can go out. It mostly consists of watching tv with her. We are really grateful for the support but sometimes find myself wishing for more. We always have to ask for help; it's rarely offered. Here's the thing, they have actually offered to look after my DD in their own home during daytime, and it's an offer I would accept but the problem is their dog! Since our now 16m/o DD was a newborn he has been making aggressive noises towards her (thinking she is another animal) and it put me off visiting their house for a long time. A few months ago they agreed to crate train him so we could safely visit. He spends a lot of time in cage when DD at their house with me present, but I don't feel comfortable with them looking after her whilst the aggressive dog is in same building. On off chance he got out of cage/got back in house somehow from being in garden... I worry that he would actually kill her if he got access to her. AIBU to not allow parents to look after DD in their own home while their dog is in house?

OP posts:

Scweltish · 08/10/2020 20:05

If you literally think there’s a chance that this dog will get to and kill your baby, then of course you don’t let them have her at their house!
A couple hours to yourselves in the evening sounds fine to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

reefedsail · 08/10/2020 20:05

Maybe book her in for a couple of sessions a week at a nursery so you can have a break. I'd not leave her with the dog.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 20:09

I would explain these concerns to my
Parents and hope they would babysit at my house, if not I wouldn’t leave my child there.
The tiny risk would be too catastrophic if it did happen.

Original poster

tiredmumsclub1 · 08/10/2020 20:10

@Scweltish

If you literally think there’s a chance that this dog will get to and kill your baby, then of course you don’t let them have her at their house! A couple hours to yourselves in the evening sounds fine to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thanks, I suppose I was just feeling guilty about it. Parents have taken huff a little and don't seem to understand issue

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredmumsclub1 · 08/10/2020 20:12

@OverTheRainbow88

I would explain these concerns to my Parents and hope they would babysit at my house, if not I wouldn’t leave my child there. The tiny risk would be too catastrophic if it did happen.

Thanks, yes have tried my best, very perplexed as to why they aren't on board with issue

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 08/10/2020 20:13

I don't think you should leave your baby with a dangerous dog, but equally, I don't think you can demand that your parents babysit on your terms - you can ask, but you need to accept that they may not want to with good grace.

SunbathingDragon · 08/10/2020 20:16

I agree that it’s completely reasonable to keep your child away from a dangerous dog but it’s unreasonable to expect anyone to come to your house to babysit (unless you are paying them and it’s a formal arrangement).

Tattoocrazymum · 08/10/2020 20:21

I was expecting to come on here and you say you want it to be at your house for convenience, but i agree with you your baby's safety comes first.
You hear so many horror stories of dog attacks on children, i would have the same opinion as you.

My mum and dad have a border collie (who is so sweet and lovely) but if i thought for a second she would snap i wouldnt like my toddler there

MaizeBlouse · 08/10/2020 20:21

Well you currently get 100% more grandparent care than I do. DP and I havent had our DCs looked after for free.... ever!

Aside from growling has the dog ever done anything aggressive? Obviously don't leave your kids with them if you don't feel comfortable. But YABU to moan about not getting enough free childcare when it sounds like you actually get quite a bit.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/10/2020 20:21

God no. A dog acting aggressively towards a child should not be around the child without proper behavioural intervention.

VenusClapTrap · 08/10/2020 20:26

Yanbu. I wouldn’t leave my child in a house with an aggressive dog, crated or otherwise.

But equally, they have a right to say no to babysitting on your terms, and you have to suck that up.

Mumdiva99 · 08/10/2020 20:27

I had similar when my daughter was young. My parents had my brothers dogs to live with them. I came in the room and found the dog pushed my toddler over and was standing over her. I grabbed her and we never went back while the dogs were there. It was really inconvenient for everyone. I was used to going there several times a week. My parents use to watch one or more of the kids for me. My parents had to make more effort to come to us which they couldn't do as frequently. My kids couldn't
have sleep overs any more which was a shame. My mum spent a while telling me they would shut the dogs out the room etc etc but from my end it was a flat no. What if the dog had got back in the room? What if that dog wasn't playing.

I love dogs. But my kids come first.

burritofan · 08/10/2020 20:29

YANBU about the dog issue but your parents don’t have to babysit for free, or at all, ever.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 20:29

@Mumdiva99

Seems weird your parents would choose your brother dog over their grandkids!

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 20:30

I hate how on MN so many people jump on an OP who gets free childcare from family... You just sound bitter and resentful.

FippertyGibbett · 08/10/2020 20:31

I am a dog lover but I would never ever trust any dog with a baby/child.
You are right to have them look after your child in your house, but remember that they may not be able to leave their dog for a long time.
I don’t think you should expect them to look after her, she is your child, but be grateful,when they do.
And watching tv is ok if it’s occasionally, at least you get out !

Kira7 · 08/10/2020 20:32

My DC is the same age as yours and I've never had an evening away from her (though she is asleep at 7:30pm so every evening feels like an evening off tbh!). My parents live 1 hour away and even if they were closer I would not expect them to babysit my child.

YANBU to not want to leave your DD somewhere you feel is unsafe. YABU for expecting your parents to babysit on your terms and more than they already do. You should be very grateful for your situation.

AlwaysLatte · 08/10/2020 20:32

Gut feelings mean a lot, especially as a new mum. Go with them, and ask them to babysit at yours, sans dog, or ask someone else. Safety first!

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 08/10/2020 20:35

You are perfectly entitled to say you don't want to leave your daughter at their house to be looked after, but YABU to say they should look after her at your house, because nobody is entitled to have their child looked after by grandparents.

mummabubs · 08/10/2020 20:36

I think akin to what others have said, you're completely within your rights to not leave your baby with a dog you can't trust, but also you maybe have to accept then that your parents can't or won't offer any additional support to what you already receive. My parents and in-laws all live 3 hours away so me and DH have had 2 date nights in 3 years, so your current arrangement sounds amazing to me!! (Possibly unhelpful but I think there's something about appreciating the support you already have). X

mbosnz · 08/10/2020 20:44

I think you can ask, but you cannot expect, and you cannot demand.

Perhaps you need to look at a more formal arrangement, that might cost you money, but whereby you do have more confidence in the care given.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 20:49

Often it isn’t an expectation for GPS to babysit or whatever you want to call it. My dad messages me weekly about what morning my kids are free and picks them up and takes them out for about 4 hours. He would be gutted if he didn’t do it and was during lockdown. In fact during lockdown he would walk past daily to wave and chat through the window.

I don’t expect this at all, he loves it and is the one calling me weekly. Obviously, it’s a great help to me too and my kids have the most wonderful
Relationship with him.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/10/2020 20:54

Do you completely trust your parents to have the dog in the crate? My parents had a dog like this and I would never have let them look after my children because of it (although to be fair they never showed the slightest interest in doing so!).

It's much easier to explain why you didn't take a risk than to justify failing to prevent a death. You might not be able to go out, but if you weren't sure your child was safe, you wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

Original poster

tiredmumsclub1 · 08/10/2020 20:56

@OverTheRainbow88

I don’t expect this at all, he loves it and is the one calling me weekly. Obviously, it’s a great help to me too and my kids have the most wonderful
Relationship with him.

Think this is a good point! Re reading back through my original post can definitely see how it might sound ungrateful to some people. Like you DDs GPS actually want to babysit and seem to enjoy it (even if they do just watch tv with her late at night, we would never criticise them for it!). I guess my main disappointments come from knowing that they are willing to help more, given that I am currently struggling with my own mental and physical health at the moment, but just unwilling to do it at our house. (We live 5 mins away). They have another adult child in their house so doggy care isn't an issue

OP posts:

ohnothisagain · 08/10/2020 20:56

@OverTheRainbow88 people aren’t jumping on parents getting free babysitting- they are jumping on people getting free babysitting and complaining that it isn’t long enough/good enough/convenient enough. quite a difference.
op is very lucky to have it at all, complaining really is quite spoilt!

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