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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking for advice please! I am too emotional

38 replies

JKDcot · 08/10/2020 16:02

Hello

Looking for advice please. I’ma FTM due to go back to work in December when my son is 6 months.

We very lucky in that my mother in law will be our nanny. I feel that he’s too young to be in day care and as I’m working from home I am excited I get to spend lunch breaks and no commute time to be with him. One Covid positive.

However. I need to think about how I set ground rules with my mother in law. We get on really well and she is great with my son but we might really get on each other’s nerves if we’re at home all in each other’s way...

I don’t want her taking him out and about without me knowing where and who with (due mainly to Covid). I don’t really want her doing first with him (weaning, swimming lessons etc) and I don’t want her putting him in outfits she likes/buys as I want him to wear clothes I pick out

Am I being a total idiot? I don’t want to be a helicopter parent but I don’t want her just taking over. Help?! How can I agree fair rules? Should I write them in a contract?? E we are of course paying her to be his nanny

Advice much appreciated
Thanks

OP posts:

Royalbloo · 08/10/2020 16:07

A little...

It's fine to ask where they are going and who with.

I don't think you can realistically ban her from firsts - i.e. she wants to take him to the zoo and she can't....that's a bit unreasonable. As for what he wears surely she will dress him from clothes at home?

Lou573 · 08/10/2020 16:09

If someone else cares for your child there is every chance they will see first steps, hear first word etc. You have to unclench a little. And honestly, outfits really don’t matter, don’t pick that battle.

Jealousyisabitch · 08/10/2020 16:11

So you're basically saying you want to have your cake and eat it too. Fair enough. Mother in law should be your free childcare (all of us knowing how expensive childcare is), however you don't want her making decisions in how to rear the child (her grandson), worrying if he might remember his grandma dressing him in some horrendous baby clothes instead of you taking the lead in deciding his wardrobe.

JustMarriedBecca · 08/10/2020 16:17

You need to have a separate space for your office which he does not come into. Its reasonable not to have her go out without you knowing what is planned i.e. the park etc. But she will see firsts. Its just the way it is. There are plenty of firsts. And if it's 6 months you will have done weaning etc by then anyway.

If you are bothered about swimming lessons, you take him first and then let her do a course after if she wants to.

I also think 'we are paying her' depends on whether you are paying her a proper rate of £100 per day or whether you are paying her expenses e.g. a tenner a day for coffee and cake if she goes to a playgroup. Bit of a difference. We paid my parents petrol and gave them a fund for clubs and activities but we never paid them an hourly rate so we had to be more flexible in our expectations and let more go if they did things we perhaps wouldn't have done.

Original poster

JKDcot · 08/10/2020 16:23

I’m being a dick basically right?! We are paying her fair rates and matching the job salary she’s decided to quit to take him on so that isn’t an issue. I know she will see firsts and I can’t be upset about that. It’s just more maybe I need us to be clear upfront then about stuff I need to be comfortable. I don’t want to be difficult but I am worried for Covid an unnecessary trips out

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 08/10/2020 16:30

You need to get over "firsts" it will eat you up expending stress on these. You need to work, many do, you have a relative to care for dc, excellent but you need to treat her as a professional nanny. Things like swimming are solved by booking weekend classes but she needs to be able to wean dc, they can't not have food weekdays!!! And there's a large change that you mil will see first steps, hear first words and you can't be stressing about it

nicknamehelp · 08/10/2020 16:31

I think you need ground rules about not entering your work space during work hours. But worrying about clothing is a bit ott as once he's active and feeding himself he might get through several outfits a day. You've just got yo learn to trust her and let her be in charge when you are working.

sst1234 · 08/10/2020 16:31

Your posts sound like you will end up being overbearing. You have to back off and trust an adult to look after a child. Either they know what they’re doing or they don’t. If they don’t then you should have hired someone else.

YukoandHiro · 08/10/2020 16:32

I think asking for clarity about where they go and when if they're going out is absolutely fine. Agree you need a totally separate work space.
As for firsts, it happens - nurseries just lie about it so you don't think you've missed it, but you're more likely to hear the truth from MIL. At least if you're home you can be called in to watch eg first steps.
Clothes is just not worth the discussion. My parents only had my daughter one day a week and would often arrive with a hideous pink gift. And on the days they've had her overnight now she's an older toddler my mum will pick the few pink items she has in her wardrobe and throw them all on together. She looks ridiculous, but she's loved! And I know my mum thinks I let her look like a bit of a scruff ball anyway (what's toddlerhood for if not making/being a comfortable mess?)

2bazookas · 08/10/2020 16:47

YABATI.

ssd · 08/10/2020 16:51

Firsts dont matter. Trust me.

Megan2018 · 08/10/2020 16:54

This has disaster all over it.

When she does something you don’t like you won’t be able to performance manage or sack her, blurring family and professional relationships is never a good idea.

Employ a nanny, don’t employ family for something so personal. Just no.

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2020 16:55

You need to trust her - do you think she’ll put him in outfits you don’t like, or take him risky places for COVID? How is your communication with her? Can you be open, is she prone to bring unreasonable etc?

I think you’re being a bit precious but presumably these worries come from somewhere...?

user13745865422563 · 08/10/2020 16:57

If you don't trust her to make safe decisions about going out / covid you shouldn't be employing her.

It's not appropriate to be this controlling with employees or family.

I'd also question the ethics of allowing/encouraging a family member ro leave employment to work for you in a role where you want to deny them any autonomy or respect. That's going to make her miserable. Then you have no nanny and she has no job.

Have you discussed any of this with her?

catsjammies · 08/10/2020 16:58

Make sure you're out of the way for work time. NU to want to know where he is/who they're seeing.

VU about everything else.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 08/10/2020 16:58

I would worry to much I don’t think the arrangement will last long with all your demands so then you will see all the firsts

EarringsandLipstick · 08/10/2020 17:02

Agree with Megan

This is not going to work & it's mad (on both sides) to consider it.

Your MIL is not just doing a bit of minding for you. She is taking on an actual job as a nanny, you are becoming her employer. There are a myriad issues that will arise, from holidays & duties to the line between being Grandma & also a paid employee

Nightmare.

recklessgran · 08/10/2020 17:11

Gosh OP in the kindest possible way I think you're being a tiny bit "precious first born." I think you need to pick one or two important things that you wouldn't be happy about and communicate those as not negotiable but that's all. MIL is also DS's granny and as such will want to spoil him a tiny bit I'm sure. Personally, I'd be both offended and mortified if my DIL thought it necessary to draw up a contract for my grandchild's care. I'm sure as a parent herself she will be aware of how difficult it is to hand over the care of your most precious little one to somebody else but as others have said you will have to trust her on that and remember that as young as he is your DS will always prefer you - he's only got the one mummy! Good luck.

Straysocks · 08/10/2020 17:12

I never really found 'firsts' to be one-off occasions. They never went from not talking to talking perfectly or from crawling to walking in a moment. Yes, there was first baby rice but then lots of it over many days kind of merging into other stuff. I think you're right to be mulling it over and the fact you're wondering whether or not you're being a dick says you're probably not. I do agree with pp who say your biggest problem will be with him not finding you if he can hear you, you're going to be his first choice. Have you thought about how you're going to manage hearing him cry because he's over-tired or fallen over - all perfectly normal cries. It will be difficult for your MIL (or anyone in fact) if you whoosh in during times they are setting boundaries (feeding/sleeps/behaviour and so on). You'll have to be strict with yourself in order for it to work but it has great potential.

CarrieDS · 08/10/2020 17:13

I do understand how you feel. It's your first baby and it's a big deal. And it feels like a massive deal when baby is still small.

We have had help from my mother-in-law with kids from time to time over the last few years when we had had no other viable option. It worked best when the kids are at her house, she is in her personal space and I work at home away from them in my quiet personal space. You will find it hard to concentrate with them both there, it may be worth sacrificing your lunches with baby. Or can she have him at her house a couple of days.

But it works better, when I outsource. I have used nurseries, had 3 live-in Au Pairs, and I currently have someone pick up my kids from school. Then a contract is normal, they are professional, you can tell them what you want. it's more transactional, less emotional. Easy.

We also paid my mother-in-law and it made things v v awkward long term. I now feel when she has them for an afternoon, like we should be paying her. We don't, but I suspect she would take the money if we offered. So essentially, the relationship has been a bit blurred childcare vs. granny duty.

Unfortunately there is no easy way, but compromise is needed. If you need/ want to work AND want to see you child in the day need to let go of some details.

Also remember, her relationship is also special in it's own way. Even if she irritates you, she is your child's grandmother. Their relationship is also important for them/ your child long term. I think a contract would be offensive to her an you want her on-side. If you have more kids, you'll be desperate for her to help on occasions later like if you want to go away for a night etc.

Florencex · 08/10/2020 17:19

You are being very unreasonable. He is going to be dressed in his clothes, which presumably you will have had a say in buying, she isn’t going to be buying him a new wardrobe of clothes. You re naturally going to miss firsts, if you don’t want to miss firsts then you need to be a SAHM, you still might even miss some firsts because you re out of the room at the wrong time.

As you are paying standard rates, why are you employing your MIL anyway and not a professional child career? Have you looked into your responsibilities as an employer, administering payroll, auto enrolment, holiday pay, sick pay etc?

HotPenguin · 08/10/2020 17:20

It's sensible to agree some ground rules but you are picking the wrong things. Agree whether he is allowed cake, biscuits etc and agree what sort of activities they can go to, but who cares what she dresses him in? I agree it isn't a great idea to encourage her to quit her job to do this, unless she is very financially secure, as your putting her in a position where she can't quit and it will be v hard for you to end the arrangement if you aren't happy.

Flipflophurray · 08/10/2020 17:24

If you were employing a nanny - would you set these rules? No you wouldn’t. With MIL it’s even worse. I don’t think this is going to work out if I’m honest.

Floralnomad · 08/10/2020 17:24

you are being a bit unrealistic
you are barking mad , especially if you are going to be paying the going rate for a nanny - just get an unrelated nanny and then you can be as precious as you want about your rules . Employing your MIL will not end well , irrespective of how well you get on .

doctorhamster · 08/10/2020 17:25

I think mil needs to rethink quitting her job op. I feel sorry for her already and she hasn't even started yet!

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