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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking for advice please! I am too emotional

38 replies

JKDcot · 08/10/2020 16:02

Hello

Looking for advice please. I’ma FTM due to go back to work in December when my son is 6 months.

We very lucky in that my mother in law will be our nanny. I feel that he’s too young to be in day care and as I’m working from home I am excited I get to spend lunch breaks and no commute time to be with him. One Covid positive.

However. I need to think about how I set ground rules with my mother in law. We get on really well and she is great with my son but we might really get on each other’s nerves if we’re at home all in each other’s way...

I don’t want her taking him out and about without me knowing where and who with (due mainly to Covid). I don’t really want her doing first with him (weaning, swimming lessons etc) and I don’t want her putting him in outfits she likes/buys as I want him to wear clothes I pick out

Am I being a total idiot? I don’t want to be a helicopter parent but I don’t want her just taking over. Help?! How can I agree fair rules? Should I write them in a contract?? E we are of course paying her to be his nanny

Advice much appreciated
Thanks

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/10/2020 17:27

I think it's fair enough to start the day with a little chat along the lines of 'where are you going today?'. And in times of Covid, I would probably expect a much bigger conversation about where you're happy with him going - like, you can't take him into other people's houses or soft play (if they're open again) because I'm not comfortable with the risk, however parks, zoo, museums are fine.

Everything else - unclench.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 08/10/2020 17:31

I'm sorry but it sounds like you will be on MIL's case the whole time. I'd suggest a trial period if you’re concerned about how this will all work. You say you get on well at the moment, talk to her!
There's always the chance of a childminder or nanny witnessing firsts, don't be cross if MIL gets to experience some with your little boy.

Your baby will love 1:1 time with granny, she may not have many places to take him with Covid restrictions in force. If she's flippant about Covid risks, then yes that's a problem already.
Sincerely, good luck in December.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 08/10/2020 17:31

If you and your MIL get on and she's great with your DS then I think you just need to decide, of the potential issues you mention, which ones are really important to you and which you can let go for now. Rather than a written agreement, why don't you ask MIL to come round, sit round your table and talk things through. Ask her how she sees it working, does she have any potential worries. Confess that you're feeling a bit precious about letting your baby go, and you don't want to get on each other's nerves, so suggest you talk through any issues.
Then maybe see how the first week goes and have another chat about anything that arises.
Clear communication about your needs and your worries, on both sides, will hopefully avoid any conflicts.

Original poster

JKDcot · 08/10/2020 17:37

Wow everyone is being pretty harsh

To be clear she wanted to quit her job and retire anyway and this is something she actively asked us if she could do

I am not being unreasonable being anxious due to Covid of her taking him out unnecessarily. I’m sure anyone sensible wants to be clear on parameters as there are clear risks at the moment

Everything that fair enough I need to chill out. It’s just not normal circumstances with us all working from home and being stuck 24/7 in 4 walls

OP posts:

GeorginaTheGiant · 08/10/2020 17:37

I agree that this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Has she already quit her job? That heaps huge pressure on the situation to work-you can’t ‘sack’ her, however intolerable you might find the arrangement, because she’s given up a job in the middle of a pandemic/likely recession! In the nicest possible way, what on earth were you thinking making this arrangement? Literally the only reason a lot of people put up with the headaches associated with family providing childcare is because it’s free. This isn’t free or even cheap, it’s the worst of both worlds!

HowLongToXmas · 08/10/2020 17:49

If you're paying her treat her like an employee. Explain what you're happy with and what you're not happy with. But be reasonable - if your son hasn't been to lots of places e.g. the zoo, the aquarium, the park, etc, he is likely to go with her because they will go out every day. But apart from that, have the same rules in place you would with any child minder.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 17:50

Yes you sound precious, and I think you’re going to be disappointed as it’s likely you will miss firsts. I missed my sons first birthday as I had to work
And can’t take random days off.

I would adjust your expectations or change your child care plans.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 08/10/2020 17:54

Pick your battles, let her dress him how she wants

Floralnomad · 08/10/2020 17:56

If she wanted to retire anyway why are you paying her the going rate , most granny’s don’t get paid ?

Mama1980 · 08/10/2020 18:12

As others have said I think you need to let go the outfit and firsts thing.....she will likely have to change him and will see many firsts if she's providing full time care, that's just the way it is.
She also should be able to go to the zoo, park, swimming etc if she fancies a walk or thinks your son could use getting out for the day but it is not unreasonable for her to let you know when they are heading out. That's common courtesy I think.
I do get how hard it must be but I think you will need to just leave them to it. You don't want your mil distracted by clock watching/worrying about what you will think - she should be totally focused on your boy.
I'm sure they will have a great time and after you've got used to it you'll enjoy being able to do you job in peace.

donaldtrumpsarmpit · 08/10/2020 18:20

You seriously need to shut the door, concentrate on your day job and then let her crack on. If she is in charge of day care, then you let her do things her way.

With regards to going out, walks in the fresh air are vital for both of them. Whilst you can request that she observes social distancing etc. you cannot expect them both to stay indoors.

I would honestly reconsider all your options. Can you work somewhere else? This sounds like it will be very tense for everyone unless you learn to let go.

mamaonamission · 08/10/2020 18:23

I think this will end badly...

First don't matter but make sure mil don't teach your child to call her mama because that will hurt.

I think you should actually look for a proper nanny if you are going to be paying them anyway! Boundaries will be listened to! I doubt grandma is going to listen fully. Because after all "It's her grand baby"

EarringsandLipstick · 08/10/2020 22:04

To be clear she wanted to quit her job and retire anyway

But she's not doing this!

She's taken up a new, full-time job & you've said you're paying her the going rate - just that her own family is now her employer while she looks after her grandson.

It's a crazy situation - neither fish nor fowl! She's not really an employee as she's MIL, but she's not just Granny helping out as she's doing it f/t, for money.

What were you thinking? If you can change any aspect of this i would eg age does it occasionally but you get proper childcare.

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