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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get married abroad?

27 replies

weddingdilema · 08/10/2020 15:33

Firstly nothing will be booked or planned until corona is over even if that means waiting until 2023. So that is not a consideration right now.

For background I am British living abroad, DP was born in the country we live in but 70% of his friends are in the UK (he went to school and university there). We would like to get married in the country we live in and i'm trying to decide if it would be unreasonable to ask my family and friends + his friends to travel here.
This is our home, we love it and his family own some land here that would make a perfect venue. The wedding would be pretty casual so no need for expensive outfits, all food and drink would be paid for, for the evening before the wedding, wedding day and breakfast the morning after. We can probably even find space for a lot of the guests for a few days either side of the wedding provided they're happy on random beds, sofas, with DPs parents etc.
The catch is we are between 8-12 hours flight away depending on the route taken and even at the cheapest time of year (when we would have the wedding) flights are in the region of £400.
There would probably be about 30 guests invited from the UK that's including those with set +1s and children. Others would be 100% welcome to bring a plus one or even plus 2 if they'd like. Total guests invited would probably be around 60 but a good 50% of the guests who aren't from this country probably wouldn't be invited if we got married in the UK more a case of they are friends/extended family who as we are here may as well enjoy the party/are being invited to be polite rather than people we would really miss.
The other question is would it be ok to ask my friends to be bridesmaids, I don't want to pressure anybody into travelling if they don't want to an worry asking them to be a bridesmaid would do that.
So my AIBU is: Am I being unreasonable for even contemplating asking people to travel that far to attend my wedding?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2020 15:38

I'll come OP Grin

But the bottom line is you want to get married in the country where you live, so surely most of your friends and family won't be surprised by that? If they can't/won't come, that's up to them.

peboh · 08/10/2020 15:42

Can I come?
It's not unreasonable to get married where you live at all. I love destination weddings, I definitely prefer them to ones at home. Also surely your family and friends are expecting you to marry where you live?

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2020 15:48

It isn’t unreasonable but you do have to assume that many people will be unable or unwilling to attend. Destination weddings I’ve been to, some couples have waited until a guest has actually accepted an invitation before asking them to be bridesmaid or groomsman, to avoid the awakened situation you’re pre-empting.

Even apart from the financial aspects of it, difficult for people with DC etc, 12 hours is a really long flight. I wouldn’t take a 12-hour flight anywhere for less than at least a 7-day trip because otherwise I’ve no sooner landed and gotten rid of the jet lag than it’s time to go home again; and I’m not sure I’d want to use up an entire week of annual leave on somebody’s wedding to a destination I wouldn’t choose to go to.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/10/2020 15:49

At £400 a flight so £800 if you don't want to come solo and then more if you have kids plus accommodation etc no I wouldn't come sorry. Perfectly understandable why you'd want to get married abroad but that kind of expenditure is a step too far for a lot of families

Original poster
weddingdilema · 08/10/2020 15:49

I think they're probably expecting it and DP thinks it's not an issue at all but he is 5 years older than me most of his friends have pretty high flying careers in London and £400 is spare change to them. While my friends all have good jobs they're younger and just starting out, saving for deposits etc and I would just hate for anyone to resent the fact my wedding will cost them so much money but feel obliged to come. I only have one close friend who i know can definitely not afford the ticket and we will probably offer to pay for her but to keep it quiet as I can't afford to pay for everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingdilema · 08/10/2020 15:50

I should also point out the time difference is 3 hours so jetlag isn't a problem and only 1 guest currently has a DC but maybe there will be more in 2 years time

OP posts:
CityDweller · 08/10/2020 15:52

We got married abroad, in the country we lived in (we’re both British). Prob 80% of guests where from UK. 6 hr flight. Helped that the location was a city that’s easy to get to and most people would love an excuse to visit. But none of our friends had kids then (actually, one couple did and they couldn’t come for that reason). So, I think you have to be prepared for people to not be able to come.
Oh - and we purposely got married at the time of year that flights were cheapest

FizzyPink · 08/10/2020 15:53

I did a 21 hour flight last year for a wedding and so did a lot of their friends from the U.K. They didn’t cover anything for anyone besides the actual wedding party so it cost me an absolute fortune but it was a once in a lifetime trip so I was happy to go.

I would say maybe half our group who were invited actually went and the rest couldn’t afford it or justify a week off work.

Strokethefurrywall · 08/10/2020 15:57

We got married in the country we live in and only invited immediately and best friends from UK.

We live in the most expensive country in the world so expecting people to pay $1000 to get here and then the eye watering cost of accommodation was a step too far for me. I didn't want to worry about friends struggling to pay for groceries if they were here and there are no all inclusive options.

We ended up having a local wedding here and then throwing a massive party back in Uk 6 months later.

Jaxhog · 08/10/2020 15:57

Everyone in my immediate family went to my DB's wedding in SriLanka from the UK a few years back. DB and wife both lived and worked there. And that was when there was trouble and you couldn't get proper travel insurance to visit!

Terrace58 · 08/10/2020 16:00

It’s ok to get married where you live.

DH and I chose to travel to our families for our wedding, but I don’t think everyone needs to make that same decision.

mdh2020 · 08/10/2020 16:00

You are not being unreasonable but you will have to accept that some people may choose not to attend. You should make it clear that you would love family and friends to be with you but you will understand if they can’t come.

Acrasia · 08/10/2020 16:15

We got married in the country we live in, DH’s birth country, and I was expecting to have half the people I invited decline because I knew it wouldn’t be cheap, but every single person accepted and it was the most brilliant weekend of my life.

CrappleUmble · 08/10/2020 16:17

It's fine to hold the wedding where you live, but I'm not sure I'd ask UK based people to be bridesmaids.

Original poster
weddingdilema · 08/10/2020 17:07

This is reassuring me alot, we are in a city that's easy to get to minus the flight time with direct flights from the UK (8 hours) or change overs in the middle east (14 hours). I would arrange all transport to the venue and Its also a popular tourist destination, I can arrange trips for elephant and lion viewing from the venue its self no problem.
My friends aren't really at the stage of having kids yet and I would totally understand anybody declining. I just didn't want people to be horrified I'd even asked.
I think I'll speak to immediately family and closest friends first and see if they're up for travelling if not perhaps a UK wedding and a party here for local friends when we return. If they're happy to travel then I'll stick to the original plan and not worry if my guest list is half as I know the closest people to me will be there

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingdilema · 08/10/2020 17:09

crapple I appreciate that view, the only reason I'm considering it is that I don't really have anybody to ask here. I have friends but I've only been here 3 years and it seems odd to ask them over friends I've known for 15 years +
Perhaps the solution is no bridesmaids, that would save some money and up the hosting budget

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/10/2020 19:32

Prioritise offering free accommodation to those that will struggle to afford it and give them lots of notice so if they want to come they have time to save up and can turn it into a holiday if they wish.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/10/2020 19:43

I like watching my friends take their vows but I would always rsvp no to a wedding abroad. Simply not worth the flights, accommodation, food budget, time off work etc. It’s too big an ask imo. It just puts the bulk of the costs onto the guests.

CrappleUmble · 08/10/2020 21:24

@weddingdilema

crapple I appreciate that view, the only reason I'm considering it is that I don't really have anybody to ask here. I have friends but I've only been here 3 years and it seems odd to ask them over friends I've known for 15 years + Perhaps the solution is no bridesmaids, that would save some money and up the hosting budget
Yeah fuck it, they're not compulsory!
Original poster
weddingdilema · 09/10/2020 06:54

random I think that would be the plan, DP friends are much wealthier than mine and also a lot less likely to be happy on a sofa or floor mattress or somewhere. My close family would probably be happy to find an air bnb and all crash there so that really just leaves my friends of which there would be about 11 invited along with any extra +1s. Assuming not everyone would want to come I can probably find space for all of those that do.

icecream I appreciate that and I would not be at all annoyed by anybody who chooses not to come. Although I don't think i'd be putting any of the wedding cost onto them. Everything for the wedding will be paid for as I said, including food and drink the evening before and the morning after. I appreciate there will obviously be a cost to them which is why I was concerned but they will not in any way be funding the wedding.

OP posts:
Slothkin · 09/10/2020 09:11

You sound lovely OP, can I come? Seriously, you sound like you’ve totally got your head screwed on and I hope you have a wonderful day! Congratulations!

icelollycraving · 09/10/2020 09:23

It makes sense to get married where you live. In your invitations, put info of air b&q, differently priced hotels etc. To the friends you know it’d be a stretch, I’d tell them privately that you could put them up.
You seem thoughtful which is always a good indication of how a wedding will be, some thought for guests foes a long way.

SomeonesMum123 · 09/10/2020 11:14

We got married in india (where I'm from) and almost everyone we invited came! My husbands family are from across the Atlantic so it was a 22 hour flight for a lot of them, but they all said it was one of their favourite experiences and they would definitely do it again! If you are the kind of person that has made an effort for others big days before (perhaps you flew back to the UK for them) people will make the effort for you, i've found!

Hobbesmanc · 09/10/2020 15:20

Sounds absolutely wonderful and far enough away so that guests could plan a wrap around holiday if they want to. As long as no one feels pressure then its just down to choice.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 09/10/2020 15:32

We ended up having to put on a bigger wedding than we expected because a lot more people RSVPd 'yes', than we'd expected with an eight hour+ flight. The most common response was either 'ooh I've always wanted to go there this is the perfect excuse' or 'we haven't picked our holiday destination yet so why not!' We did give more than eighteen months notice and sounded out immediately family and closest friends first before committing to anything and sending invitations. Lots of people love to travel and love a wedding

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