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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends who deliver veiled insults

35 replies

Lalaloveyou2020 · 08/10/2020 14:23

I am much too old for this but for years I have been friendly with a woman (since school) who always delivers veiled insults. For example she'll say things like "oh xxx said i looked much younger than you" etc. It's always in a jokey manner, so it seems a bit off to call her out and I generally brush it under the carpet. I hadn't seen her since lockdown and she did the same thing again and something inside me snapped. I don't know why but it seemed to take me 30 years to realise she knows when she is insulting people and does it on purpose. Would it be unreasonable to just stop seeing her? I have called her out on previous occaisons for being rude but she never seems to learn and I ended up very upset.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/10/2020 14:24

Friends don’t deliver insults. Bin her.

CallistoSol · 08/10/2020 15:11

I've got a 'friend' like this, the pandemic has really exacerbated it. I'm not going to dump her as we have a few mutual friends and I don't want any awkwardness but I try not to engage with her at all any more.

Nobody is obliged to spend time with a person that makes them feel crap about themselves. I would either point out her rudeness every single time or ditch her and move on.

Zilla1 · 08/10/2020 15:24

That's not a friend but would you be happy to reply to oh xxx said i looked much younger than you" with a raucous laugh and "yes she is bonkers. I hadn't realised she was blind too"?

Have fun and good luck.

Sparklesocks · 08/10/2020 15:34

You don’t have to keep spending time with people who make you feel bad about yourself, even if they present it in a ‘jokey’ way. Chatting with friends (and even casual acquaintances you just get on with) should feel breezy and light, not a feeling of dread waiting for their next barb. I think you’d be reasonable to back off.

SidVisk · 08/10/2020 15:37

You have just described my best friend of over twenty years to a T.

We lost touch (on my side of it on purpose - not quite ghosting but as close to it as I could get whilst still being cordial.)

I used to come away from seeing her feeling quite depressed and shit and she clearly revelled in making me feel that way.

I had enough and just realised that friends don't make you feel like that, she was not "for" me, she was against me.

Her child has just started at the same school my DC go to and she's trying to initiate contact again and I nearly thought I'll give it another go - then she said something really petty like "I recognised you from your coat - that old faithful!" And I thought oh fuck that! No way am I going to meet up for a drink! Can't be arsed!

SidVisk · 08/10/2020 15:40

Also put the boot on the other foot - would you dream of saying a comment about how old someone may or may not look directly to that person? Anyone who gives a shit about someone's feelings wouldn't.

If it even happened at all, she wanted you to know about it. Just let that sink in a moment.

user1471462428 · 08/10/2020 15:45

I’ve got a friend who does this, her daughter is also incredibly rude. Over the summer I bumped into her a couple of times and on the third time she said “I hope I don’t see you again this week as I’m sick of you”. I know they have been worried about their daughter not having any friends.... I could tell them it’s because she’s so rude. They like to feel they treat her like a grown up but she’s only a child and I feel needs some guidance.

ktp100 · 08/10/2020 16:08

Let that shit go, OP. At the very least hold it at arms length and pay it very little mind.

People who behave that way with friends are dicks.

LilyLongJohn · 08/10/2020 16:11

Friends aren't mean and don't insult you

Jeschara · 08/10/2020 16:15

She sounds a horrible woman.

AriesTheRam · 08/10/2020 16:18

She's not a friend.Block her.

redcarbluecar · 08/10/2020 16:19

I'd put this sort of thing down to insecurity/the urge to compete, and sometimes tolerate it as a personality trait in a friend, or maybe take the piss when they do it. However, if it upsets you, and she doesn't stop doing it after you've snapped or asked her to stop, then she's perhaps not worth your effort any more. Does she have qualities that make her a friend worth keeping in other ways?

BloggersBlog · 08/10/2020 16:25

I hadn't seen her since lockdown and she did the same thing again and something inside me snapped

Did you say something to her? Does she know how deeply this affects you?

Fannybawz · 08/10/2020 16:28

Try having a sister like that.... truly shit

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2020 16:30

Some people think they're being funny when they do this - generally, they're not. But they might still think they're hilarious.

I have a friend who I've twice had to speak to about things she was doing - one physical, one verbal - but both times, the "speaking to" was quite "would you just fucking STOP doing that please, it's really upsetting!" with counter-points to the verbal nonsense - and she did stop, so we are still friends.

Sometimes people just don't realise they're being wankers. So maybe start by telling her that she's really pissing you off with her veiled criticisms, she's not funny and you can do without it - and if she takes a huff, or refuses to stop, then bin her off.

But at least give her a chance first, just in case.

LilyLongJohn · 08/10/2020 17:56

My friends dh is like that. She just says it's the way he is. He just thinks he's being funny, but still doesn't stop it upsetting people. I now limit the time we spend with them and tend to just see her and the dc in her own. Which is a shame as we used to have some lovely weekends away as a family. I'm a really laid back person and hate confrontation so wouldn't normally react to him. My dh is the opposite and will call him out on it which can be awkward sometimes

Original poster
Lalaloveyou2020 · 08/10/2020 22:21

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have said it to her a good few times over the years and as we have mutual friends I have been reluctant to let go of her. But the older we get the more i see it and the more i see her doing it to other people too. For years i have laboured under the impression that she doesnt realise what she's doing but I read a lot of psychology books over lockdown and have realised that actually she really does. The people she makes rude comments to are always quite timid whereas she fawns over those more confident than her. I suppose I am just ready to let go.

OP posts:
QuimJongUn · 08/10/2020 23:01

My best friend was like this. Little put-downs, for 30-odd years. When I got a haircut: 'That's a brave look, especially with your round face'. On my engagement ring: 'Oh how cute and tiny and like something a child would wear!'. After I got married, when we were looking at the photos (and after I'd lost 8 stone for my wedding day, going from a size 28 to a 12): 'It's funny how you look so fat in these when in real life you don't look obese anymore, just overweight'.

In the end I had enough. I stopped all contact with her and do you know what? Since I did, I'm no longer as self critical. She did a lot of damage in the years I knew her yet for some reason I thought she was my best friend.

YANBU.

Anordinarymum · 08/10/2020 23:04

OP you do know that she is just jealous ? It's not a nice trait and she clearly does not care when she says things and she relies upon you not snapping back.

Steer clear from this 'not a friend at all'

BubblyBarbara · 08/10/2020 23:07

Your friend might just have a more casual sense of humour than you

coronafiona · 08/10/2020 23:11

Someone I know was like this. I have distanced and I am FAR better off without her.

SidVisk · 09/10/2020 10:03

@Lalaloveyou2020

The people she makes rude comments to are always quite timid whereas she fawns over those more confident than her.

This is spot on - you can literally see them change depending on the type of person they are talking to and that also made it easier to distance myself because I realised that I was in the "walkover" category.

It seeped over into other areas such as health issues, TTC, getting engaged and married (her first words to me when I called up to say I was engaged were "oh my god you'd better not get married before me!"

You will find other people who it's worthwhile you spending your time on OP who feel excited to see you and be around you. That person is not it.

WhatzTheCraic · 09/10/2020 10:59

The reason she fawns over people more confident than her is probably because she's a narcissist. Narcissists are attracted to other narcissists.

I'm in the process of extricating myself from someone very similar. They're very welcome to each other.

blubberball · 09/10/2020 11:48

I had a "best friend" like this growing up. As kids she always loved to remind me that she was taller/older/skinnier/richer etc. As we grew up, she loved to look down her nose at me. She asked me things like Why don't you move to a better house? Why don't you get a 2nd car? Why don't you move to a better area? Why doesn't your dh get a better job? Why don't you send your dc to a better school? Why is your ds so slow? (he has disabilities)

Last time I saw her, she spent the time laughing at me because I had never heard of the make of her designer handbag, telling me how much all her outfits and accessories were costing and telling me that you're not a proper person until you buy a piece of art.

She invited me to her wedding, but as it was 100s of miles away and no children invited, I gave it a polite pass. I was also very ill, and would feel out of place there as a mere peasant. She hasn't spoken to me since, and that's OK.

twoshedsjackson · 09/10/2020 13:05

I know it's maddening to think of the smart reply after the moment has passed, but could you forsee and have something ready?
"oh xxxxx said I look much younger than you"
"yes, xxxxx is such a kindly soul, isn't she - always wants to make people feel better"
Still wearing that old coat? "I'm so lucky that I've kept my figure"
Anordinarymum has probably got it right, though, it's jealousy, and she would be rather put out if you snapped back.
It reminds me of a former colleague who presented a very confident facade with a reputation for being slightly rude. I don't go looking for arguments, but have a reputation for swift repartee, and it was interesting to see that he was always scrupulously polite to me.....

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