I miscarried, colleagues at work gossiping me being pregnant and miscarrying

[mrsmb03]

Hi all

Please advise, I miscarried end of January. A few weeks ago, out of the blue a former colleague of mine texted me and said I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't tell him I miscarried in fact I only told a few people at work and told them to keep this information in confidence. This former colleague of mine said that an ex employee who used to work there told him, this ex employee just visited our workplace place recently as he is wanting to come back he has spoken to the colleague I have told I miscarried.

When I came back to work after my wasted restday she saw that I was upset she asked me why am I cross. I couldn't stop my emotions and told her about what happened and told her I was upset and that I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just want to move on that I spent my whole rest day crying because I was unprepared when I receive that text. She admitted that she was the one who told this ex employee but she justified her divulging my miscarriage apparently due to the fact that the ex employee knew that I was pregnant. She didn't apologised to me even though I have told her this has upset me. I also have not told anyone at work I was pregnant. So I feel like this is a double whammy. I feel so disrespected. I told myself I will give myself time and see how I feel but a week or so has passed and I am still upset about it and cry and grief comes back. So I am now thinking of complaining to the area manager who I did talk about the miscarriage. I told her only because obviously I needed to tell some one in management as I have obviously been off and also to save me from been questioned by my line nasty rude vile manager. So basically, everything that I have feared or prevented from happening is actually happening. I don't even know this ex employee, aside from what I hear from my colleagues. So gosh knows who else he has told about my pregnancy and now miscarriage.

Please, am I being unreasonable by complaining? Am I being precious?

If my line manager suspected I was pregnant back in January I think she was out of line telling this ex employee. I don't even work with him. I don't know how he knows. I am now going to ask him or this colleague I have told in confidence about my miscarriage so I can carefully discern my next steps.

Sorry for the very long post.

Thank you for reading.

I can understand it's upsetting, but if the ex colleague mentioned you being pregnant then I don't think your colleague did anything wrong in telling him you'd miscarried. The alternative was that she said nothing and that risked him saying something to you without realising.

What on earth he was thinking doing texting you now about this happening in January is baffling though. Insensitive idiot.

Without knowing how he knew you were pregnant in the first place it's impossible to tell who, if anyone, broke confidences.

Sorry for your loss

Sorry @mrsmb03 I don't have much advice but just want to say so so sorry. My boy was stillborn at 27 weeks. I never went back to work. I know it's different but just wanted you to know you're know alone x

@lyralalala

Thanks fo your reply.

There are 3 people involved in this

1. ex employee - told 3. my former colleague I miscarried.
2. my current colleague I told her to keep miscarriage in confidence. Told 1. ex employee about my miscarriage.

3 my former colleague - the one who texted me, heard miscarriage from 1. ex employee.

I don't have any working relationship or any kind of relationship with his ex employee so there won't be any reason for him to know about me being pregnant or miscarrying?

Am I missing something that I cant see how it is justifiable for current colleague to talk about my miscarriage because he thought I was pregnant because if that situation happened to me and I was told to keep miscarriage in confidence. what in would do is

1. Ask him about how he knows about pregnancy?
2. I will say it is not right for me to talk about someone else's pregnancy or no pregnancy
3. I will definitely say not to tell anyone about miscarriage in case for whatever reason miscarriage info was told to him.

I'm so sorry, mrsmb03. I hope you can find some balance.

You are not being precious to be upset. You may be projecting some of you grief and anger over your loss onto this situation, but that doesn't make their actions any better or your upset less real.

I'm a little unclear from your post but if the colleague who gossiped was a manager or if telling her was necessary because of your work then you should make a complaint. Even if you weren't upset by it you should make a complaint because that's medical information that she has no right to make known in that way. It's a huge breech of their responsibility to keep your information confidential and regardless of the actual hurt in this case, she should not be gossiping to other people about any personal information she becomes privy to through her role as manager. Her casual attitude to the situation would indicate she should not be in a management role.

If the colleague wasn't management then the above doesn't apply. IANAL but as I understand it, if you told the colleague as a friend then their gossiping is not really work's responsibility. You could still talk to HR and see if there is some support they can provide you with, though.

I am sorry for your miscarriage but I am not what will need to happen now that you will accept that will make you feel better

If they say 'oops sorry I should have not told' will that actually make a difference to you?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Personally I'd think the colleague you spoke to in confidence fucked up and spoke about it to the ex colleague. I think it's highly probable they're now doing a massive backtrack by trying to say 'but they already knew about the pregnancy'. As for taking it further? I don't know where you'd stand unless the information about your pregnancy had already been divulged to the ex colleague by your line manger? In which case they'd most definately have some questions to answer surrounding breaching confidential information as part of their role. If it's all come from the colleague being a blabber mouth? I don't think there'd be much official grounds for complaint? Yes, they're clearly a gossip and not to be trusted with 'secrets', but as not being someone within your direct chain of management, and not stating something that isn't a fact. I'm unsure how they could be reprimanded on this? HR could technically pull them in to say it's bad form, but technically I guess they could also advise you to not share confidential info with colleagues who aren't your official superiors? Awful situation to be in though.

I'm suspecting that the line manager has suspected I was pregnant and told this ex employee that I was pregnant even though I have not told anyone I was pregnant this is why I was going to complain because I feel like anyone in managerial position should not be talking to some 3rd party about someone's possible pregnancy?

I really didn't want to tell anyone even this current colleague but due to the nature if the job I feel like I needed to as we were working a lot together. for example I was a missed miscarriage if miscarriage happen at work God forbid and ambulance was called she would have to tell them what is happening to me. this is one of the reasons why I had to tell her.

@mrsmb03

Am I missing something that I cant see how it is justifiable for current colleague to talk about my miscarriage because he thought I was pregnant because if that situation happened to me and I was told to keep miscarriage in confidence. what in would do is

If someone mentioned a colleague's pregnancy to me, especially given that they presumably (if they have known you were pregnant in January) mentioned it in a "Has X's baby arrived?" or "Y can't have long left to go now" then I likely would tell them quietly that there had been a miscarriage.

It's not a colleague's place to say, but having had someone who'd not seen me for months bound up to me saying "Ooh no bump, where's the baba then? Boy or girl?" three months after miscarrying, I think it would be the less horrible option to potentially betray a confidence than to allow a colleague to face that situation.

Whoever told the ex employee about your pregnancy, assuming they told them outright, was in the wrong, but I don't think your colleague (again assuming the ex employee mentioned it first) did the wrong thing there.

Ex employee shouldn't have told ex colleague any details. That's not their place.

I had my miscarriage when I worked in a large organisation and loads of people would have known and spoken about it. Another woman had a stillborn and her friend an colleague who was pregnant at the same time didn't. these things happen all the time and people will talk about it as people care and work in a close environment it would be wierd if people didnt talk about it.
It's a truly horrible thing to go through and hormones and emotions are strong but this really isn't something to be making an issue out of with regards to making a complaint as you will drag on your emotions and make everyone feel more uncomfortable than they do, why do that to yourself or others it's bit OTT.

They are like this at my work too. If you tell one person something, then everyone will know it by the end of the day.

I'd leave it, if I were you, but consider it a lesson learnt. Tell nobody anything at work unless you have too.

if my colleague told this ex employee about my miscarriage for whatever reason because she felt it justifiable to break this confidence they would both at least have the decency to agree or at least told him to not be talking about this as I have previously requested. if the only situation was them two talking maybe I wouldn't be so upset but him being a third party them telling someone else is what is even more hurtful. who else in the company has he talked about my miscarriage? how many more people know this? it caused me stresses because this information still.is very hurtful and raw and still brings a lot of emotion. We gave been trying to get pregnant again so there is a lot of fear, anxiety and emotions about the whole thing.

OP I am not saying this is right but your miscarriage is not as important to other people they would be sorry you miscarried but they have their own things going on in their own lives, this is situation is not as important to them as it is to you, I really genuinely do not think you will get the outcome you are looking for and if thinking about this this much helps you then continue but I really cannot see this much focusing is actually going to make you fell better.

You can demand what you like about what should have happened but to you really think any good will come out of it?

Let it go.

To be truthful if you raise it as a grievance with your area manager they'll probably relay it straight back to the line manager that you don't get along with to resolve. The line manager will then follow it up with you as an officially raised complaint, and at the very most offer to mediate a conversation between yourself and your coworker if it's causing an internal working issue. Sadly I think that would cause you more distress than you're currently under, and not really assist you moving forward.

OP: is your line manager 1 or 2 or someone else?

Catsup is right , they just bounce it back to your line manager.

I’ve had a stillbirth so I empathize with your feelings, and that your emotions are all over the place, but you’re projecting your upset onto someone who most likely had absolutely no ulterior motive.

I’m sorry for your loss.

The alternative was that she said nothing and that risked him saying something to you without realising.

“What on earth he was thinking doing texting you now about this happening in January is baffling though. Insensitive idiot.” I agree with this from a pp....

I’d let it go and concentrate on allowing yourself to grieve. Pursuing a complaint will prolong your upset, there’ll need to be discussions etc. I don’t think your colleagues acted to purposely cause you mental suffering. Of course it’s up to you what you do. But should you even be in work at the moment? I think you need some time to grieve privately.

I'm sorry for your loss. I really do know how heart breaking it is, I've had 3 miscarriages myself. I get you feel a confidence has been broken and that the text has set you back emotionally as you weren't expecting it, but I think you need to look at the intent behind it all. Do you really suspect for example, that your colleagues have been maliciously gossiping or divulging information? I suspect this isn't the case. It may have been talked about but it's probably been done quite innocently and also sympathetically.

Your former colleague likely sent the text because they were trying to be kind. For all you wanted to keep everything under wraps, we do see more and more messages on social media etc... about how important it is to reach out to people and talk to them when they're coping with difficult situations, so it's likely that they were just trying to be kind. I'm sure if they knew you'd find their text so upsetting, they'd have never have sent it.

As for whether or not you should complain to work. I think given that you've found the whole incident so triggering, would you not find making a formal complaint would drag out these feelings that you're having? Also what do you want the end resolution to be? What would make you feel better? An apology from your colleague? For them to be disciplined? For them to be fired? Remember that whatever the outcome of your complaint, nothing will take away the pain of your loss.

I think you need therapy not to report a grievance.

I know the pain but this is not the way to handle it.

If any of the people you told were a manager and you told them for work reasons (e.g. because you absent or had to attend a pregnancy related medical appointment) then you have a right to complain to your company and YANBU. Managers are required to keep medical information strictly confidential and it would be quite a big deal if they had told others.

If you confided in a colleague, then you ran the risk that they would pass the information around, however unfair it would seem, unless it strays into bullying there normally isn't too much your company can do about it. Think about what you expect them to do if you do complain and weigh up if you think that is possible or reasonable. At best I reckon they can have an informal conversation with the person or others who now know to say spreading information like this is insensitive, they might hold a manager to a higher standard. No-one will lose their job, the knowledge that people now have won't go away. You have learnt that you can't trust the person you told to be discreet.

It may be that having the information out there is having an impact on your work and you might confide in a manager on that basis so they know what's going on with you. Hopefully they would be supportive and understanding.

Sorry for your loss

I am sorry for your loss. But I also think your are projecting your grief into being angry at someone, possibly the line manager who you did not like anyway.

One thing I have learned about the workplace is that people talk, we are humans, we are social and we talk. Over my years in the workplace, I have heard of plenty of healthy babies being born and thankfully a lot fewer miscarriages and still born babies. It is normal to hear of these things.

The ex employee knew about the pregnancy and I think it was normal to ask current employee if baby was born yet, what sex etc. and in which case I think the current employee did the only thing they could in advising what had happened.

It seems a little odd to text somebody about it, nine months later, but I would give that person the benefit of the doubt and assume they were being thoughtful.

Let it go, you won’t feel any better by trying to get somebody into trouble at work.