I miscarried, colleagues at work gossiping me being pregnant and miscarrying

[mrsmb03]

Hi all

Please advise, I miscarried end of January. A few weeks ago, out of the blue a former colleague of mine texted me and said I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't tell him I miscarried in fact I only told a few people at work and told them to keep this information in confidence. This former colleague of mine said that an ex employee who used to work there told him, this ex employee just visited our workplace place recently as he is wanting to come back he has spoken to the colleague I have told I miscarried.

When I came back to work after my wasted restday she saw that I was upset she asked me why am I cross. I couldn't stop my emotions and told her about what happened and told her I was upset and that I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just want to move on that I spent my whole rest day crying because I was unprepared when I receive that text. She admitted that she was the one who told this ex employee but she justified her divulging my miscarriage apparently due to the fact that the ex employee knew that I was pregnant. She didn't apologised to me even though I have told her this has upset me. I also have not told anyone at work I was pregnant. So I feel like this is a double whammy. I feel so disrespected. I told myself I will give myself time and see how I feel but a week or so has passed and I am still upset about it and cry and grief comes back. So I am now thinking of complaining to the area manager who I did talk about the miscarriage. I told her only because obviously I needed to tell some one in management as I have obviously been off and also to save me from been questioned by my line nasty rude vile manager. So basically, everything that I have feared or prevented from happening is actually happening. I don't even know this ex employee, aside from what I hear from my colleagues. So gosh knows who else he has told about my pregnancy and now miscarriage.

Please, am I being unreasonable by complaining? Am I being precious?

If my line manager suspected I was pregnant back in January I think she was out of line telling this ex employee. I don't even work with him. I don't know how he knows. I am now going to ask him or this colleague I have told in confidence about my miscarriage so I can carefully discern my next steps.

Sorry for the very long post.

Thank you for reading.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable.
You should not have told anyone as you cannot trust people to keep secrets.

Sorry for your loss

My view is you are projecting your upset and distress onto your work colleague. Yes they broke confidence but there is nothing to raise a grievance about. You told a colleague something personal in confidence but they disclosed it anyway. It isn't a work matter.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

If I've understood your post correctly:

Ex-employee returned to your workplace and was told by your manager you'd miscarried. Your manager has said this was because ex-colleague asked about your pregnancy. Ex-employee has then told another former colleague about the miscarriage, and former colleague has texted you.

As ex-employee and former colleague don't work for your organisation, raising a formal complaint won't have any effect on them.

As for your manager - I agree with pps that if ex-colleague asked casually 'did mrsmb have a boy or a girl? or similar, your manager would have no option to explain that sadly, you lost your baby.

If you think your manager isn't telling the truth, you have to ask yourself how likely it is that, in a conversation about possible re-employment, she would bring up the subject of your pregnancy to an ex-colleague totally unprompted. Any grievance is going to be her word against yours, as the other two people no longer work there.

I think you need to weigh up the likelihood of any grievance being helpful to you versus the possible pain of the experience, which will keep the incident (i.e. the text message) at the forefront of your mind for longer.

It's not gossiping if it actually happened though and re colleague was protecting you by letting them know of your sad news so you don't get hurt by a well intended comment on the baby by an unaware person in your circle. Doesn't matter they dont work there the world is small and they could have seen you somewhere and it would have been very awkward. In the future be more professional and just tell your manager. If you think they are so vile then find a job elsewhere or escalate it. You involved your colleague when you told them and it seems they updated others on your miscarriage out of good intentions. Your reaction is like they are shaming you or embarrassing you in some way but its really not. I too think you are projecting.

Its awkward with knowing whether to say something or not about a death that happened a while ago or not.. and actually 9 months is still recent enough for condolences its not like a text 9 years later.. they probably feel guilty not to have known at the time and want you to know that they care about you and acknowledge the loss you have suffered. If they knew and said nothing thats worse so they cant win really.

You are misplacing your anger on your colleagues unfairly.

It is obviously still raw for you. It's natural to ask about other employees. If they asked what you had then the colleague had to say that unfortunately you didn't have the baby. You are taking offence when there is no malice in what they said.

Or you could talk about it and help make it a less taboo subject. Educate with your experience and turn it into a positive action. Sorry for your loss

I think you need to move past it now OP.

Your reactions are intensified because of your grief. However I do totally understand how you feel because my miscarriage is precious to me and I only told people who I generally felt I was close enough with or trusted enough. It would have hurt me too to think my loss was being discussed with people that I have no care for.

But there is no malice here and this anger/upset is not helping you.

Cry it out OP. There will be many things that will bring your grief flooding back. Welcome the pain and let it flow away.

I'm sorry

@mrsmb03
You can't complain or put in grievances against a manager based on your assumptions and assertions.

It could have been anyone.

In the kindest way, you need to get over this. People suspect pregnancy for many reasons. It's incredibly sad you mc, but why you think throwing accusations around is at all justified I don't know.

@mrsmb03
If the chap knew you were pregnant, he may have quite innocently asked about it..eg ''Is so and so on leave?''

So the other woman you mentioned it to could well have said ''No, /it's very sad, She had a miscarriage.

The chap may well have been sympathetic.

People generally don't 'gossip' about miscarriages ..

But the safest way to keep any 'secret' is to not tell anyone at all.

Complaining would just be pointless.

Sorry for your Loss... Miscarriage is commoner than people think..The chap may have had a friend or family member go through it, hence his text.

I do understand why you're distressed - but as the other person knew you had been pregnant, perhaps they enquired after you and the baby they would have expected you would have had by now, or wanted to send a gift, and the other employee wanted to avoid an even more distressing message.

So sorry for you.

I agree with you. They've no right to discuss your personal medical things especially one so upsetting. If someone says "hows ellies pregnancy going" then you reply "I dont think ellies pregnant" surely? She's told someone, who's then told at least one other person.
You can't change the past though so try to move past it for yourself, just remember not to tell any of them anything in future.

@mrsmb03 no this is wrong. It's a lack of respect at the highest level you are right to feel violated. Have you got anyone in HR you can talk to? There are some very rude and cold harsh comments on here.

A casual acquaintance of mine was expecting a grandchild. I asked her when I saw her recently what her son had (boy/girl) his partner had a stillborn child. It was mortifying. What was worse that a very close associate who I had seen recently knew and didn't mention anything.

The heads up sometimes helps people avoid difficult conversations. The person might have re-joined the company and then casually asked you how your baby is and caused distress so other employee mentioned to save the embarrassment for both that person and you.

Not necessary gossip or malice at all.

Just let it go and move on.

From what I can see the OP did not inform her line manager that she was pregnant. As per her OP she is suggesting the manager suspected she was and told the ex employee. But that I self is speculation. The OP thinks that gossip or speculation that meant the colleague let slip about the miscarriage.

OP you have a genuine concern about gossip but this can’t be targeted at anyone except the colleague you told about the miscarriage.

To accuse your line manager of speculation when the only evidence you have is speculation, is not something that can be taken forward.

Gently, I think you need to let this go. I miscarried, at 19 weeks, just before lockdown and when the dc went back to school in June, loads of the mums were asking how the baby is and when I gave birth. They weren't doing it to be cruel, they just assumed I would have had the baby by now. It was hard and the gossip spread around quite quickly but it is what it is. Complaining will achieve nothing and will, potentially, sour relationships between you and your colleagues.

Honestly, just let this go and look into getting some counselling. I know all to well how feelings like this can fester in your mind and get out of control. Focus on getting stronger.

It’s a personal matter, not work related.
It’s upsetting that someone broke your confidence, now there’s no going back. Lesson learned, don’t disclose any personal information at work that you don’t want to be broadcast to others.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Yes your colleague was unprofessional telling him but I suspect it was done so he didn’t accidentally say anything insensitive to you.

Maybe you could ask the former colleague how he knew you where pregnant and take it from there.
Management should not be disclosing private medical information to anyone, so you are fully within your rights to raise a complaint if they have.
I think a more likely scenario is that your colleague has told this chap about the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. The only thing you can do in that case is make it clear you are not happy about it to her and take it as a heads up not tell her anything else.

Clearly this is very raw for you but I would say you're overthinking this particular situation and building it up into something far greater than the sum of its parts. It looks like someone could and probably should have been a bit more discreet and tactful but I can't see any bad intentions here. If a colleague knew/suspected someone was pregnant then warning them said person had a miscarriage is surely done to avoid any awkward 'how is the baby?' conversations and quite normal in my book. If you're worried about gossiping then I thinkg that must have come from other experiences there and you're projecting. Take a step back, breathe deeply. With the greatests respect, I can't see any good coming of making an official complaint. Next time, don't tell anyone if you're really worried it will spread.

If people know your pregnant then why cant they know you miscarried. Dont take your grief out on others. Your being sensitive (you have every right to be? and unreasonable. Sorry for the loss but dont take it out on othera

Op if you told a few people, then the chance of someone saying something innocently goes up dramatically. I doubt anyone would have malice about it. So sorry this is still affecting you. I recently had a stillbirth and had to tell everyone as I was 7 months pregnant and I couldn’t face everyone asking me how my pregnancy was going. We all handle it in different ways but try not to project your anger and grief onto others.

Firstly, sorry about your loss OP. It must ya e been a shock to get that message out of the blue. Pretty silly if then to text you randomly. Perhaps they thought they were being caring, who knows but obviously it has upset you and understandably under the circumstances.

People talk at work and that’s what I’ve come to realise and as harsh as it sounds, you can’t trust everyone. People let you down, people that you think will keep your information private, go in to tell other people. Maybe for gossip, maybe because they think it’s nice news to hear.... Who knows.

So regarding the colleague that told the other staff never you had a miscarriage, I can understand why she told them. If people were asking you ‘ohh when’s baby due’ how awful for you to have to say ‘I miscarried’. So I can see why she let the other person know, to save them from putting they’re foot in it and upsetting you.

Obviously ex employee decided it was a good idea to message you with condolences. Thoughtless really however I assume it was coming from a good place and no intention of upsetting you.

I’d personally just leave it now. Remember not to tell anyone unless you trust them 100% you’ve been burnt and it’s a shit lesson to learn but that’s what folk are like.

I hope you’re ok x

I think you need to let it go but be wary of who you share confidences with in the future. I had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. I was glad my colleagues knew so that they knew to avoid any baby talk around me for starters. I had colleagues coming up to me saying they knew what I'd gone through as they'd been there. It helped.