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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to spend our weekends at mine?

40 replies

HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 13:51

I live in a large house, with a large backyard and my three dogs and one cat. My OH lives in a small, messy one-bedroom apartment, with a decent backyard and two cats. We live about 45-minutes' drive away from each other. We tend to split our weekends 50/50 at mine or his. However I find that staying at his means we have fewer comforts and also means I have to pay someone to house-sit and look after my animals (my kids are off at university). If he stays here, he gets a neighbor to feed his cats. In the name of fairness I do try to go and stay at his half of the time but I always think 'why oh why are we crammed in here when we could be comfortable at mine? And I wouldn't have to pay a sitter?' AIBU to think this?

OP posts:

Elizaaa · 07/10/2020 13:55

Yanbu. Why sit in titchy flat when you don't need to. Fuck that

ShirleyPhallus · 07/10/2020 13:57

Have you spoken to him about this in person?

Or is this one of those MN angsty threads that could just be solved by having a grown up conversation in person?

Trisolaris · 07/10/2020 13:58

When you say messy - does he not at least make an effort to tidy up for when you come over?

44PumpLane · 07/10/2020 13:59

He can't expect his neighbour to feed his cats every weekend though surely? I totally get where you're coming from and I'd feel the same as you, but if I had cats (I don't, I have a dog), I'd feel guilty leaving them every weekend!

Nacreous · 07/10/2020 14:00

Would his neighbour be happy feeding his cats Every Weekend? I don't think I would be as a neighbour, but maybe I'm just not neighbourly enough.

I agree I would prefer to stay in your house though!

dontdisturbmenow · 07/10/2020 14:02

Indeed, his neighbour might not always be there to feed the cats and it's not very nice for the cats to be alone for 2 days out of 5 every week.

unmarkedbythat · 07/10/2020 14:03

But what if he prefers his flat to your house? Your house being larger and less messy and having more 'comforts' doesn't mean he likes it more than his own home.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 07/10/2020 14:03

Could he get his neighbour to feed his cats every weekend!? Probably not- so they he’ll have to pay someone. He may want to stay at his. 50/50 is the fairest way.

Original poster

HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 14:31

I did bring this up with gentle 'hints' a few times e.g. references to my sofa being massive and his being small, the fact that I need to pay a sitter, etc but he doesn't say anything... I do think he likes his apartment, I'm sure of that. And that may be the issue - he doesn't mind being somewhere small and with less comforts.

He does clean but the place is messy because it's small - every surface is covered in stuff, including part of the floor.

He has a number of neighbors who can feed his cats and he does stuff in return so that's OK. His brothers also live nearby (one on the same road) so could help. My OH doesn't want to pay someone to feed his cats because, he says, there are enough people in his 'network' who can do that. His cats regularly visit the neighbors' homes btw so they are not alone when my OH isn't home. However I'm not saying we should be at mine every weekend but maybe 70/30? It's also the fact that it costs me money every time I don't stay here that annoys me. Maybe I just need to accept it and stick with it.

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 07/10/2020 14:47

YABU. I live in a small messy flat and I love it here. And I wouldn't abandon my cats every weekend either. I'd find your comments quite snobby.

CruzControl · 07/10/2020 14:54

YABU
You want him to inconvenience his neighbour every single weekend and travel an hour and a half every single week so that you can not travel at all and not ever pay for a pet sitter? Surely you know you're being selfish here? If he got a dog and yours died (touch wood), would you travel to him every single weekend so he didn't need to get a pet sitter?
Come off it!
Just because his place is smaller than yours doesn't mean he's living in squaller and you're in some kind of mansion. You sound like you think you're better than him to be honest.

GoldfishParade · 07/10/2020 14:57

Maybe he doesn't like hanging with your dogs

Hadalifeonce · 07/10/2020 15:00

Have you said to him that you would like to spend fewer weekends at his flat? Or have you just hinted at it?

Original poster

HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 15:35

My issue is because it costs me £100 per weekend to have someone house sit. He hasn't offered to help towards that. He loves my dogs, he truly does, I know that. He's as into dogs as I am (but can't have any because of his cats). But I do think maybe he likes being in a small messy apartment better than he likes it at mine. I don't understand it but I can accept it. I know my view is just that, my view and not everyone's of course. At the end of the day I want to spend time with him so where we are is not a deal breaker. But I've done the small apartment living and couldn't wait to get something bigger. He has no interest in somewhere bigger. Horses for courses I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 15:37

@Hadalifeonce I only hinted at it because I don't want to too forward.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 07/10/2020 16:16

There really is no point hinting, if you want something you have to say it. It doesn't have to be a demand, just a discussion between the two of you. You will then know if he has a reason for not wanting to be at your's more often.

HandfulofDust · 07/10/2020 16:22

I would just outright explain to him. Just ask him if it's really important to him to be at his because its costing you £100 a week!

Howlooseisyourgoose · 07/10/2020 16:38

Not sure I'd be happy with someone who was happy to see me spend £200pm just to see him.

Equally though, I love being at home, not sure I'd want to spend every weekend away from home.

What's he like in other ways? Do you make more effort for him than vice versa?

VinylDetective · 07/10/2020 16:42

House sitting seems to be quite lucrative. Off to investigate.

SimonJT · 07/10/2020 16:46

I think 50/50 is fair, it isn’t your fault he has cats who need caring for and it isn’t his fault you have dogs that need caring for. We know when we get animals that there are certain expenses and inconveniences.

Most people are more comfortable in their own home, before we moved in any visits to each other when my son was being babysat were always 50/50 split between our homes.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2020 16:52

Just tell him £200’a month isn’t really affordable, so could he stay with you more often. Job done.

FinallyHere · 07/10/2020 16:57

I'd second the PP who suggested just having a conversation about it. Handled correctly, it is much more powerful to review a situation together, agree as far as you can about what is, why that is an issue for you. There may be other aspects that are an issue for him.

Then together review the alternatives and come up with a solution together. It's really good practise and would come in handy if you do ever decide to move in together.

If you can't find a solution to the where do we spend each weekend question together, it doesn't bod well for the quality of your communication.

Good luck

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/10/2020 18:10

How long have you been together

ladybee28 · 07/10/2020 18:38

But I do think maybe he likes being in a small messy apartment better than he likes it at mine. I don't understand it but I can accept it. At the end of the day I want to spend time with him so where we are is not a deal breaker. But I've done the small apartment living and couldn't wait to get something bigger. He has no interest in somewhere bigger. Horses for courses I guess

How does this feel when you think about your future – if / when you think about moving in together, for example?

yomellamoHelly · 07/10/2020 18:43

Take your pets with you?

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