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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to spend our weekends at mine?

40 replies

HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 13:51

I live in a large house, with a large backyard and my three dogs and one cat. My OH lives in a small, messy one-bedroom apartment, with a decent backyard and two cats. We live about 45-minutes' drive away from each other. We tend to split our weekends 50/50 at mine or his. However I find that staying at his means we have fewer comforts and also means I have to pay someone to house-sit and look after my animals (my kids are off at university). If he stays here, he gets a neighbor to feed his cats. In the name of fairness I do try to go and stay at his half of the time but I always think 'why oh why are we crammed in here when we could be comfortable at mine? And I wouldn't have to pay a sitter?' AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
Original poster
HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 18:43

We've been together for two years. We are both happy to live apart for the moment. We see each other at weekend, go away for breaks, go and stay with friends, etc.

We were both married for a long time before so for now we are happy to continue to live separately. Not for everyone I'm sure but it's what we are happy with now. Maybe we are odd...

OP posts:
HyaluronicHippo · 07/10/2020 18:50

I think I’d just say you’re cutting back and the house sitting is one of your biggest expenses. Happy to accommodate him at yours though, leave it up to him.

Peach1204 · 07/10/2020 18:50

Do you perhaps have a neighbour or friend you could ask to do it on the odd occasion to save some money? I think 50/50 is fair but then I wouldn't really want to spend £200pm doing it so it's quite a predicament.

ladybee28 · 07/10/2020 18:52

@HowLongToXmas

We've been together for two years. We are both happy to live apart for the moment. We see each other at weekend, go away for breaks, go and stay with friends, etc.

We were both married for a long time before so for now we are happy to continue to live separately. Not for everyone I'm sure but it's what we are happy with now. Maybe we are odd...

Not odd at all – this is why I asked...

DP and I got separate places after living together for 3 years. He's more introverted, less houseproud, a bit clumsy... I needed to be in the countryside, he wanted to stay where we were...

It took our relationship from a 6 to a 9.5; we're happier, more relaxed, our time together feels like real quality time, our sex life rocketed...

I'm all for living separately in situations like yours Smile (and it's not for everyone, hence the question)

Original poster
HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 19:09

@ladybee28 absolutely. I like to be able to do my own thing and so does he. I like to have my things around me. We have very different tastes when it comes to home decor - I couldn't live with his and viceversa. Ang I am very houseproud and he isn't. I love this arrangement. I may change my mind down the line but for now it suits me/us to the ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowLongToXmas · 07/10/2020 19:13

@Peach1204 because of where I live I don't really have neighbors I could ask, so that's not an option. When my house-sitters are booked and can't stay I try my kids but they live a couple of hours away and one doesn't drive and the idea of a weekend at home isn't always appealing for them because they have their lives away from home now. I don't mind paying for sitters but £200/month is quite a lot.

OP posts:
Peach1204 · 07/10/2020 19:20

@HowLongToXmas I agree £200 is a lot. I hope you manage to sort something.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 08/10/2020 09:58

@HowLongToXmas have you explained any of this to him?

Original poster
HowLongToXmas · 08/10/2020 10:47

As I mentioned above, I have hinted to this because I do understand that on paper 50/50 is the fair thing but in reality with all the factors I explained above, I don't think it is. But when I hinted at it a few times, even mentioning the money, he didn't say anything back.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 08/10/2020 16:35

Hinting is not communicating, even if we wish it was, OP. Have a direct conversation.

NiceandCalm · 08/10/2020 17:10

Sod that. I don't know how you've managed this for 2 years! The next time you are due to stay at his, just say that the dog sitters have let you down, so it'll have to be at yours. Then you can say that the sitters have hinted at having other commitments so looks like you wont be able to continue this EOW arrangement for much longer. See where the conversations goes then.

Maverick101 · 09/10/2020 14:55

Enough with the "hinting". Tell him it costs you over 2,500 pounds a year to spend every other weekend at his place, while it costs him nothing to stay at yours. YANBU to want to stay at yours but you have to be clear, not dance around the issue.

SweetAlmondOil · 09/10/2020 18:56

I'm not saying I don't want to ever go to his - but given he can get a number of people to look after his cats, cats who already go and spend time in these people's homes as they also have cats and live nearby, and doesn't need to pay them because he's always doing them favours, I do feel I pulled the short straw here.

I'll bring it up again, more clearly this time, and see what he says. I/we could go on a great holiday with that money!

SweetAlmondOil · 09/10/2020 18:56

PS: NC because of another post!

Elsewyre · 09/10/2020 18:59

[quote HowLongToXmas]@Hadalifeonce I only hinted at it because I don't want to too forward.[/quote]
Well stop being from the 1800's and have a proper conversation.

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