Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

grief feels never ending

45 replies

marmite92 · 07/10/2020 12:28

Hi, sorry this probably isn't the right place to post but not sure where else to put it. My mum died in March, she was only 53 and although had cancer she was 'well' but died from a complication very suddenly. Its now nearly 7 months on and I find it still over whelming, but because I'm young and all my friends are too I feel this pressure to be ok and find that people don't really ask about it any more, so I am just putting on the front of being fine and having fun in my new city but behind close doors I'm a mess every day. I guess what I am asking is is this normal and when will it get better?

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/10/2020 12:29

Very sorry about your Mum. What a shock.

It’s still early days. And with Covid etc too.

Flowers
Dozer · 07/10/2020 12:30

Have you seen the bereavement board? Do you have access to any counselling type services, eg through your work? Those can be v helpful.

Sexnotgender · 07/10/2020 12:32

I have no advice but just want to give you a virtual hug Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/10/2020 12:33

People are afraid to ask in case they trigger emotion in you, bring back to the surface feelings you're beginning to bury.

Brighterthansunflowers · 07/10/2020 12:35

So sorry for your loss Flowers

I wonder if maybe because you and your friends are young, they don’t really have experience of this kind of loss yet. But if they’re good friends they should still be supportive, it’s just you may need to tell them how you feel and that you’re struggling.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 07/10/2020 12:36

Grief is a bit of a sod. The more you love the more you have to grieve.

There is no normal and we all take the time we take. I know this isn’t helpful but the bereavement boards will be.

I’m sorry about your mum. Flowers

Citylady88 · 07/10/2020 12:39

Hi Marmite, I'm sorry for your loss.
In my experience this is very normal. My father was much older than your mum and his death was expected so I thought I would just deal with it and move on. That wasn't the case and like you I really struggled. Two things reaally helped. I did tell my friends that I was struggling. They are all reasonably young and had not lost a parent so didn't quite get it but them knowing I was struggling helped. When I met any people who had experienced a similar loss I spoke very openly. I ended up being really honest with a colleague and a friends mum which felt strange but they got exactly how I felt. I think that because we will all lose a parent we think we should just deal with it. But actually it's devastating and really shifts the foundations of your life. It's totally ok to struggle and be a mess. It does get easier with time x

Original poster
marmite92 · 07/10/2020 12:40

Thank you, I'll post on there too I forgot about that actually. None of my friends have lost anyone close yet so I completely understand and they have been great but I feel like if I just constantly cry to them they'll get fed up of me and I have nothing new to say about it if that makes sense

OP posts:
maverickallthetime · 07/10/2020 12:41

Grief is awful. It's been 2 years for me and it still sometimes hits me in the face. Hugs

Original poster
marmite92 · 07/10/2020 12:50

Thank you @Citylady88 i think it is because they haven't experienced it. As much as my friends are lovely and I know they would listen it just feels pointless saying I miss her because they know that. It's an overwhelming feeling of missing her and craving to speak to her again. She was my best friend who I spoke to every day. I've also moved to a new city and started a new job and I think that is also mixed up with struggling as although it's a new chapter I find it hard to let go and move on with my life

OP posts:
JenniferSantoro · 07/10/2020 12:52

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re very much still in the early days. The only advice I could give is just concentrate on getting through the current day. Don’t hide how you’re feeling when people do ask. I don’t know that you ever really get over a loss like this, but you do get used to a new normal. Be gentle with yourself 💐

Kittykat93 · 07/10/2020 12:53

Been 6 years for me and I still cry a couple of times a week about it. It never ends.

Kittykat93 · 07/10/2020 12:53

Been 6 years for me and I still cry a couple of times a week about it. It never ends.

Citylady88 · 07/10/2020 12:56

It might help to seek out someone who has lost a parent too Marmite. Maybe even if they're not as close a friend to you they might be a help right now. Maybe you could chat to a relative, an aunt or cousin who has also dealt with grief. I considered bereavement counselling & although I didn't go in the end I have heard positive things about it. You're being very brave with all the changes in your life

loutypips · 07/10/2020 13:01

Grief never ends. It gets less as time goes by. But it's always there.

Sorry for your loss. It's still really recent for you. You are feeling completely normal. Friends don't realise as for them, everything is normal. For you, time stands still for a while.

Have you got anyone to talk to?

Rubyupbeat · 07/10/2020 13:03

I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum in a very similar way.
The grief is so raw, isn't it?, like an open wound, literally painful.
It really does get better, although I would never have believed it. My mum died 12 years ago and yes, I think of her every day and have dreams about her, but the rawness has gone and it is weird things that can set me off, smells, songs, places, things just out of the blue.
I really hope there is a place after this life where I will see her again, I am sure there is.
Look after yourself, there are no right or wrongs with grieving, no normal way.Flowers

loulou2012 · 07/10/2020 13:06

I'm sorry for your loss, my dad passed 2 years ago and mum earlier this year quite suddenly, and my grief has been different for both. I find some days harder than others and with the pandemic things have been a lot harder in many ways to grieve. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and taking some moments for myself when I can and not feeling bad about being upset, although around the kids trying to work through it x take care of yourself

Original poster
marmite92 · 07/10/2020 13:07

I am really close with my nan and auntie so I know I could talk to them about it, we talk more about my mum in general but not how much I am struggling because 1. It's their daughter/sister and I know they are feeling the same and 2. I don't want them to worry about me being so far away from them and feeling like this

I know this sounds strange but sometimes I want to go back to the very early days of it when it was socially acceptable to be in bed all day and people didn't expect you to be functioning or life going on. I will maybe try and see if there is grief counselling here but I'm in a different country now so not sure of what's available.

Sorry to all those that have also lost someone but it's comforting to hear you make it out the other side x

OP posts:
mindfcuk · 07/10/2020 13:08

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Have you a close friend or family member you can confide in? There is no shame in sharing your grief, it is okay not to be okay. I would recommend some therapy if possible. Not because what you're feeling isn't normal but more so so that you can offload a bit and share your feelings with another person.

Good luck to you OP

serialreturner · 07/10/2020 13:09

This really helped me, after my Dad died, my Mum died of dementia and we had several miscarriages and late losses.

The last 15 years have been like this - but this video made so much sense.

www.google.com/search?q=grief+don%27t+get+over+build+life+around+it&safe=active&sxsrf=ALeKk039ehZxEpXkHe9GKOSKv8pUZVtKrQ:1602072436063&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjiwNLzuKLsAhVKThUIHTziDEwQ_AUoAXoECBQQAw&biw=1280&bih=737#imgrc=iZQTU_aIYEoNBM

Be very, very kind to yourself x

CarrotInATree · 07/10/2020 13:12

I’d really recommend seeking out both professional support and a peer support organisation. I was widowed recently and have found being a member of a support organisation invaluable. Grief doesn’t run a smooth path and people who haven’t been through it don’t understand.

jasjas1973 · 07/10/2020 13:13

Very normal, i ve suffered two bereavements - partner, many years ago and my mum, 4 years ago.
Both very different but there is light at the end of the tunnel, you'll never fill the void they leave in your life but you will build a new life and the pain will dull.

Just go with the flow, don't block your emotions, early days & fwiw i found counselling helpful but not everyone does.

LakieLady · 07/10/2020 13:14

So sorry OP.

When my beloved best friend for over 30 years died tragically young, and I was devastated with grief, another friend told me that "grief is the price we pay for love".

I found that strangely consoling.

But please, try and get some counselling as it will help you cope with the sense of loss.

Couchbettato · 07/10/2020 13:15

Very sorry for your loss. I think what you're going through is normal.

I lost my grandad 8 years ago and I think it took a few years for me to stop crying every day that my favourite person was no longer here. In hindsight I wish I'd sought counselling, so hope you'll not consider the advice to seek counselling too brash.

When people stop talking about that person, or asking you how you are it's harder to process those emotions or it starts to feel wrong to feel those emotions when it isn't wrong at all.

feelingsomewhatlost · 07/10/2020 13:16

My mum died last year when I was 24 so I can completely relate, I’ve put on a facade of being fine/ok because people don’t ask and I also just want to be left alone. Totally get what you mean about wishing it was still acceptable to stay in bed all the time. Do you have instagram? There is a whole lot of us on there who have lost our mums in our teen years, 20s and early 30s. We’re a good little online community x