grief feels never ending

[marmite92]

Hi, sorry this probably isn't the right place to post but not sure where else to put it. My mum died in March, she was only 53 and although had cancer she was 'well' but died from a complication very suddenly. Its now nearly 7 months on and I find it still over whelming, but because I'm young and all my friends are too I feel this pressure to be ok and find that people don't really ask about it any more, so I am just putting on the front of being fine and having fun in my new city but behind close doors I'm a mess every day. I guess what I am asking is is this normal and when will it get better?

Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join. It’s only those of us who have experienced losing a parent who understand. However much your friends try to empathise, it’s impossible for them to get how you feel.

It’s very early days and you’re still in “this time last year” territory. It’s very hard. I believe the best way of coping is to let the grief take you where it will. Give in to it and go with it. In time the waves lessen In intensity and frequency but they still come. You never get over it but you will get used to it.

Losing your mum is massive. I was 62 when mine died and I was on my knees for months. It’s like having the top layer of your skin flayed off. It was bad enough in normal times but it must be agony when the world’s been turned upside down.

You will get through this but it takes time and you’ve had hardly any. Be kind to yourself 💐

I have friends who lost their mum in their 20's and 30's. It's never far from my mind when I'm chatting to them and I always assume it's heavy in their heart particularly as they lost their mum so u fairly young. So don't assume there's any pressure to be ok. If anything is expect you to be less ok with it due to your age. It's true I guess that maybe your peers just don't understand grief yet (lucky for them) but honestly, the wiser people in the world recognise what you've lost. Sending hugs and best wishes.

I am so sorry for your loss.
It is very, very early days. It is 6 years since my mum died and I miss her every day.
It is 4 years since I lost my son and I know that pain will never leave me.
What helps, IME, is joining a support group, meeting other people in the same situation.
I haven't managed to read the whole thread as I am in a rush, but didn't want to read and run, but I am sure others may have mentioned contacting your local hospice. They will be able to put you in touch with support groups and services.

35 years since my mum died suddenly, I was 30. I still miss her.
Be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss. After 7 months, it is normal to still feel like this. It eases, but slowly, and everyone is different. I had DH which helped a lot because I could just turn to him and get a hug when I needed it. I didn't feel like I needed to be talking about it all the time, but just having that acknowledgement really helped. You should reach out to family members - we have a sibling WhatsApp group and every now and again one of us will just put something on there about mum or whatever, and the acknowledgement from the others is really helpful.

I think after the initial shock of it, you spend months and months in a sort of limbo state. Not quite on your knees every day, but not feeling yourself or your usual sense of joy or contentment. And it's totally normal. Having people who understand is a massive help. Its definitely true that the world is split into people who have gone through it, and people who haven't. and so your friends are probably deeply sympathetic but just don't know how to handle it at all. If you can, at some point, mention what would help.

I have one friend who I said something to at the beginning. I don't remember what it was but it was linked to feeling like people were scared to mention or acknowledge it and that was hard. She told me years later that it really resonated with her and that since then she's made a real effort to be more proactive with friends in similar situations. eg always sending a note, following up or asking how they're feeling when they meet up. My point is that a lot of people who haven't gone through it honestly just don't know how to act but are genuinely open to getting told.

It's hard. It really is.

Thank you everyone, really lovely comforting words. It is a club no one wants to be in and I do feel very alone, especially as I live alone now and working from home I've got a lot of time to think about things.

Yes @feelingsomewhatlost I do I will pm you my username if that's ok? That sounds like a really helpful community thank you x

It's 30 years since my mother's sudden death. I miss her every day. I just want to talk to her. When she died, I felt as if I'd had a limb cut off. I only cry on her birthday and anniversary of her death now. Life is never the same without your mum in it. I've now got DGCs who fill my life with joy, as do my DCs, but I just want her back. It wasn't so bad with my dad as he had had a really long life and his time had come.

It is normal and it will get better. But it will always be there. My dad died 13 years ago. For the first year or so I would catch myself thinking about him at times through the day and I would then have to fight back tears if I was in public. Every man about his age, or wearing clothes like he did, reminded me of him. But that started happening less and less, and I found that even if I did think about him I would feel happy more often than I felt sad. However, sometimes it really hits me still. The other day my 3 year old, who is just starting to understand that her grandma is my mum, asked where my dad is. I said he had died and she asked when he was coming back. I couldn’t answer her as I just immediately welled up!

I too think you should have a look for some support groups and maybe seek some counselling.

My mum died very suddenly just over 2 weeks ago. I know I'm never, ever going to be the same person.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I needed to read this thread today; I lost my dad 6 months ago and it still feels extremely raw and painful. It's hard at the moment because I suppose people around you imagine that your grief has moved on now, whereas in reality I'm still processing it all and each week throws up something new to feel sad about. I want to keep reminding people about my loss; reminding them that I'm different now.
I'm having fortnightly counselling sessions, which are helping immensely - it's an hour for me to talk about my dad the way I would like to talk about him all the time, iyswim. I talk about my memories, about the parts of him I want to keep alive, about the trauma of his death; anything that comes up. It's a release which helps me to function a bit more "normally" the rest of the time.
But I can't really imagine a time when I won't feel weighed down by grief tbh. I hope it will get easier to bear. I hope yours will too xxx

Crunchymum I'm so sorry for your recent loss. You're absolutely right about never being the same person again. Grief is so transformative; only motherhood comes close to that sense of having passed over into a completely new way of being in the world.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's unhelpful that people expect you to be fine when of course you're not. Life will slowly start to feel less painful but it does take longer than you are hoping.

You're playing a long game. There will be times when you'll have more moments of feeling better and normal, and other times when you'll feel you have taken steps back. You haven't. No matter how you feel, you're making progress and before you know it, you'll look back and realise the sharpness of your grief is not always with you-but life will be different and will always be different.

So sorry for your loss. It really is the club no one wants to join!

yes please do :) it has helped me so much x

Try getting a notebook and where you would normally speak to your mum every day, write what you would have said in the notebook. A page a day to start with, you may then still have a connection and in the future you can look back to see how far you've come x

Oh OP,
You poor pet.
So sorry for the enormous loss of your mum.
7 months is just nothing in grieving terms.
Two years+ before some acceptance is very, very normal.

You must be young as your mum was so young.
The enormity of this will take a long time to fully grasp.
Bereavement groups can be very helpful.
In my 20's I lost someone who felt like a parent, very suddenly.
The sheer shock and disbelief nearly killed me.
I just couldn't believe it.
You have moved to a new city which is also a big change.
So much change.
You must long for familiarity.

Such early days.
Give yourself space and time to grieve.
You really can't rush it.
It has to be gone through to get to a place of acceptance.
It takes people different amounts of time.

Grief is never-ending. But it does become more manageable over time.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. My mum died young, when she was 49 and I was 24. I was flooded with tears all the time for several years - there is nothing abnormal about what you are experiencing. Your future life, which you imagined with your mother in it, has been stolen from you and it's very difficult to talk about when none of your peers have gone through the same thing. I also moved to a new city just before it happened, and sometimes I did stay in bed all day and there is nothing wrong with that (although it did lose me a crappy job that I hated anyway). The grief has never entirely left me, although the intensity of the emotion and the endless crying did subside in time. It will for you, too. Don't expect too much from your friends - I am sure they care but they may not know how to help you.

Years later, when my dad died I felt the same grief and sadness but it expressed itself differently, in that I wasn't crying all the time. I will always miss them both but the grieving processes were different, perhaps because Dad lived a long life and it didn't seem so unfair because his wasn't cut short.

Don't hold back from your feelings. You have suffered an immeasurable loss and I'm so sorry. It is something that you will learn to carry with you, and you will be ok.

Hi @Marmite92, I hear you. Almost exactly the same story, lost my DM in March to cancer. Its said people think you must get over it. My greif has been combined with uncontrollable anxiety due lockdown and not knowing what the future holds (mainly on the job front and therefore finances). I was placed on furlough and left isolated with too much thinking time on my hands. I'm very close to the edge but my MH has taken a battering. I'll get through it but its going to take time, and the same will for you. Take care.

My condoleances. I think your age makes it more difficult. I lost my mum in my twenties and most friends wanted to be empathic but had no idea what it was like to lose a parent. I had one friend who lost his dad two months before and that did help. For me the first year was tge worst, doing everything without ger for the first time like her birthday and christmas etc. My brother was still in a bit of a daze the first year and struggled the second year. If you can talk with your family members then just do it. It sounds like you're all treading on eggshells protecting each other. It's normal to reminisce. The times between when you get sad will slowly become longer when times go by but the missing will never totally stop, and that's ok. It's ok to feel sad that you're missing her. It's a reflection of the love you had between you. You wouldn't miss her if you didn't love her. The love you had will never leave, it's part of you now.

Take care.