Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a second child.

49 replies

tempName101 · 07/10/2020 11:29

So YANBU- go for it
YABU- you are just broody, stop it.

DP and I have been together 2 years after a long friendship, both early 30's. I have a 5yo DD from a previous relationship and they get on really well (i want to say they are 'bonded' but that sounds really poncy!)

DD is now in full time school, I'm working from home for foreseeable due to Covid and DP works out of the home in a manual job.
We are well off enough, we get some tax credits and CB, but manage fine and have small (very small) savings.

Over the last few months i have noticed myself increasingly leaning towards a second child, DP would be on board but I do doubt myself for the following reasons.

-DD gets all of our time/attention at the moment and the age gap may be too big for them to be 'friends'
-our home is only 2 bed, perfect in every other way so we don't want to move....possible option of moving the family bathroom and turning that into a small 3rd bedroom or sacrificing dining room, but that means less living space??
-grandparents on both sides are older than when DD was born and are less able/willing to help out.
-If i have to continue WFH beyond maternity leave it could be v v tricky with a 9 month old baby.
-sleepless nights/ nappies etc....

So that's all negatives...all I have got on the positive side is "I think I want one" and that DD would not be an only child.....

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 07/10/2020 11:35

There's no right or wrong answer to this, it's about what you and your DP want. You're right to think about the practicalities, but if you really want another dc, I'm sure you'll find a way to manage the logistics.

The only thing that I would say is that you should do it (or not) because it is what you and DP want; don't make the decision about whether your older dc will have siblings or be an only child, as you have no way of knowing whether either of those choices will be positive or negative for her in the longer term.

ShalomToYouJackie · 07/10/2020 11:40

-DD gets all of our time/attention at the moment and the age gap may be too big for them to be 'friends'

Not necessarily, how old is your DD if she's just started school, 4? 4-5 year age gap isn't too big, I mean they might not be best friends when DD is 10 and future DC is 5 or younger but I imagine they'd play together

our home is only 2 bed, perfect in every other way so we don't want to move....possible option of moving the family bathroom and turning that into a small 3rd bedroom or sacrificing dining room, but that means less living space??

They can share a bedroom for a few years at least but it sounds like you definitely have room. You may decide in the future you want to move

Grandparents on both sides are older than when DD was born and are less able/willing to help out.

Is this essential to you being able to raise DC?

If i have to continue WFH beyond maternity leave it could be v v tricky with a 9 month old baby.

Would did you do with your DD when you went back to work? Can you use a nursery? Or did you use GPs for childcare, hence previous point? You're looking at at least a year min until potential DC would be here so may not be WFH

Sleepless nights/ nappies etc....

I don't have an answer for this 😁

I say go for it but you have to be sure and it doesn't sound like you are!

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 11:47

Thank you both!

I think part of my issue is that DD is my typical PFB and I don't want her to have to share her bedroom/lose her space and feel pushed out and I worry overly about how a sibling will impact her- but millions of people have siblings without it causing them any long term damage so maybe I need to relax on that front (I am one of 4 and as adults we all get on)

Yes grandparents helped out with childcare first time round, I dropped down to 4 days a week and my preference this time would be to do the same, and DP would be happy to do the same, but this leaves 3 days to be covered- nursery definitely an option....

I am not sure, i just have the urge....

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 07/10/2020 11:58

Yes, there's no right or wrong. Everyone who has a child is "just broody" when you think about it, there isn't really a good reason for anyone, beyond they want a baby/another person in their family.

The wfh thing I don't think is a worry. You'd organise external childcare whether you WOTH or WFH.

The house thing is a bit of a problem.

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 12:34

That's true re WFH- the house/space thing isn't that much of a problem, using dining room would be easier/free but changing bathroom would be a better use of space but more expensive 🤷‍♀️

It's funny, hearing people suggesting that maybe I'm not sure is possibly making me feel more strongly??

OP posts:
Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 12:36

Is anyone ever totally sure?? DD was a planned pregnancy and very much wanted but I definitely had a few moments of "it is really too late to change my mind!" - especially as the birth got closer!

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 07/10/2020 13:46

I have a 2 year old and he has a 7 year old step daughter and they have just started playing together now. They chase each other round and play games.

When we go days out - we do stuff that suits the 7 year old and it works.

Their relationship will change over time but as adults a 5 year age gap won't matter

DaisyandRoses · 07/10/2020 13:49

What does your daughter think?

I do think you need to move house. I don’t think a 2 bed with 4 of you is workable, especially a baby.

DaisyandRoses · 07/10/2020 13:50

I should add that I have a half sister 10 years younger than me, we’re 20 and 30 now and she’s my best friend.

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 14:00

DD likes the idea, and has toddler cousins- after the initial jealousy she loves them...lockdown affected her and made me realise how much she needs to be around other children, although i do understand that peers are a different kettle of fish to siblings!

I really, REALLY don't want to move as we are in a lovely rural location with large gardens and close to family, also house was a bargain, we wouldn't get anything comparable for the price!

We have living room/dining room/conservatory as living spaces at the moment...while I would rather not give up the dining room it would be an option.
moving the bathroom to off the kitchen would be my preference.

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 07/10/2020 14:02

I wouldn’t have a second in the current climate. I wouldn’t even have a first.

The world is such a messed up place. I’m surprised people are still bringing children into it at all.

Porcupineinwaiting · 07/10/2020 14:02

Can I ask if you plan to marry your dp? Is the relationship at that stage ?

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 14:06

I see where you are coming from @BewilderedDoughnut but I cant help feeling this a totally irrational bio urge- which is why I am trying to work out all the above reasons when it really would be easier to just not.

@Porcupineinwaiting yes marriage is on the cards, has been discussed and we are both in agreement- but taking into account our specific financial circumstances (not being financially dependant on each other etc) I don't believe it is necessary for us to be married before having a child (if that is what happens)

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 07/10/2020 14:10

I guess what I was getting at is will your financial independence be compromised by having a second? If so, my advice would be to marry first. If not, then I see no reason why you shouldn't go ahead.

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 14:15

I thought that was it @Porcupineinwaiting !!
I think not- this is where the point about grandparents/nursery comes in... as it is very important to me to keep my job and financial independence, I also have promotion prospects if I stay in work!

I think this feeling is amplified by the fact that DDs father is a spendthrift, who drops her when it suits and pays no maintenance!
DP is a darling, loves DD like his own, and I'm sure would be fair and supportive whatever happened in the future- but I am not willing to give up my financial independence (just in case!)

OP posts:
napody · 07/10/2020 14:23

I see no reason not to if you both really want to!

If the dining room or conservatory could be a playroom, they could always share a bedroom- at least for a few years after the baby stage. Mine do and they love it age 6 and 3

sergeilavrov · 07/10/2020 14:35

Any space to extend into the attic? The space issue would put me off - I personally want my children to have their own space to be alone when they want/need.

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 14:51

I think the same @sergeilavrov.
unfortunately extending the attic is out- it would be far more expensive than moving the bathroom (which is my preference and means all 3 bedrooms would be on the same floor) and the house layout means we would lose a big chunk of one bedroom in creating stairs/access.

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 07/10/2020 17:36

A biological urge no matter how strong is not now, nor has it ever been a valid reason for having a child.

Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 17:47

What is? @BewilderedDoughnut

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/10/2020 18:18

I wouldn’t even be contemplating it in the current claimants, nor with a partner I’d only be dating two years and already having to claim benefits so not self supporting.

Most relationships change with step children when own children come along from what I’ve seen so I wouldn’t want mine to have a half sibling from that perspective.

RWK29 · 07/10/2020 18:30

@tempName101 For me, if you both want a child and are on the same page with that and financially it’s something you can afford to do then I don’t see any reason why not 😊 the age gap between kids isn’t an issue - I was 5 when my sister was born and I LOVED it 😊 I was old enough to be mums helper and feel super grown up. Don’t get me wrong, when I was around 15 and she was 10 it was rough 😂 she wanted to be involved in everything I did and I was “too cool” for her at that stage but we soon got past that and now she’s one of my best friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ We also shared a room until I moved out at 18 to go to uni 😊

Is there any scope to put an extension on your property? You said you got the property for a bargain price? Would doing this also allow you to add value to your property?

Xmasbaby11 · 07/10/2020 18:34

I would want to move somewhere bigger first and ideally get married.

However, there is nothing 'wrong' with your situation and if you are both happy to have a baby, you can make it work.

RaisinGhost · 07/10/2020 18:46

A biological urge no matter how strong is not now, nor has it ever been a valid reason for having a child.

What is a good reason then? It's the only reason anyone ever has.

OK maybe it's not a great idea to give in to all your urges and have 10, but OP is talking about 2.

Holiday21plea · 07/10/2020 18:59

@BewilderedDoughnut

I wouldn’t have a second in the current climate. I wouldn’t even have a first.

The world is such a messed up place. I’m surprised people are still bringing children into it at all.

Well OP already has a child. Covid won’t last forever.
Swipe left for the next trending thread