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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a second child.

49 replies

tempName101 · 07/10/2020 11:29

So YANBU- go for it
YABU- you are just broody, stop it.

DP and I have been together 2 years after a long friendship, both early 30's. I have a 5yo DD from a previous relationship and they get on really well (i want to say they are 'bonded' but that sounds really poncy!)

DD is now in full time school, I'm working from home for foreseeable due to Covid and DP works out of the home in a manual job.
We are well off enough, we get some tax credits and CB, but manage fine and have small (very small) savings.

Over the last few months i have noticed myself increasingly leaning towards a second child, DP would be on board but I do doubt myself for the following reasons.

-DD gets all of our time/attention at the moment and the age gap may be too big for them to be 'friends'
-our home is only 2 bed, perfect in every other way so we don't want to move....possible option of moving the family bathroom and turning that into a small 3rd bedroom or sacrificing dining room, but that means less living space??
-grandparents on both sides are older than when DD was born and are less able/willing to help out.
-If i have to continue WFH beyond maternity leave it could be v v tricky with a 9 month old baby.
-sleepless nights/ nappies etc....

So that's all negatives...all I have got on the positive side is "I think I want one" and that DD would not be an only child.....

OP posts:
Holiday21plea · 07/10/2020 18:59

I would have a 2nd OP. Before your gap gets bigger.

Grobagsforever · 07/10/2020 20:02

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I wouldn’t even be contemplating it in the current claimants, nor with a partner I’d only be dating two years and already having to claim benefits so not self supporting.

Most relationships change with step children when own children come along from what I’ve seen so I wouldn’t want mine to have a half sibling from that perspective.

Whilst this poster put it rather unpleasantly, they are right. Two years is not enough time to know someone before having a child with them and tying them into yours and your first child's life forever. Also you and your partner should aim for financial security first.
Original poster
tempName101 · 07/10/2020 21:04

Grobags and Icecream-
I understand your point, but should children be only for the wealthy??

I live in a deprived rural area and although we are both well paid, and have good jobs for the area, this falls well below national standards- hence the tax credits.

I would also like to point out that although it is a 2 year relationship- we have known each other well for 15years.

Thank you for all of your input.

OP posts:
tigger001 · 07/10/2020 21:21

I have started to question wether our DS needed a sibling, but it's just not right to have one just for our DS as there is absolutely no say that would be of a benefit to him. He is 3 so there would be about a 4 year or so age gap and they would not really want to play together. An 8 year old will be with friends nit their 4 year old sibling, so we gave it a miss.

In your case.
I would not have another without the space for them to have their own room, I wouldn't have another if I had to take up valuable space we would later appreciate to give them a room.

Despite how long you have known him, only being together for 2 years would not be a choice of mine

Fishfingersandwichplease · 07/10/2020 22:07

Fast forward twenty years....would you regret not having another baby? If so, you know what to do!

Holiday21plea · 08/10/2020 07:13

@tigger001

I have started to question wether our DS needed a sibling, but it's just not right to have one just for our DS as there is absolutely no say that would be of a benefit to him. He is 3 so there would be about a 4 year or so age gap and they would not really want to play together. An 8 year old will be with friends nit their 4 year old sibling, so we gave it a miss.

In your case.
I would not have another without the space for them to have their own room, I wouldn't have another if I had to take up valuable space we would later appreciate to give them a room.

Despite how long you have known him, only being together for 2 years would not be a choice of mine

They would play together eventually. I have a brother of just under 3 years age gap. Then 2 sisters that are 10 years younger than me and 13 years younger than me. All 4 of us are now old enough to hang out together. Flip side.
Namechange8471 · 08/10/2020 07:29

Not yet op!

Wait until you are married, you need a level of commitment before brining a child into this.

2 years isn’t very long to be in an established relationship. You mention you have known him for 15 years, this is not the same as being in a relationship for that amount of time, the dynamics are very different.

What’s your property status, do you own your house/mortgage?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/10/2020 07:44

should children be only for the wealthy

They should be funded by the parents, it’s not a choice that others should pay for imo. Many people aren’t wealthy and live within their means and have children.

Knowingly having a child that you know others will have to pay for I feel is wrong. That responsibility should lie solely with the parents, just like other choices we make as adults.

Original poster
tempName101 · 08/10/2020 09:46

I think your definition of wealthy may be a bit Skewed, and what about future income increases?

Should I remain in work (which I plan to) my income will increase over the next few years.

But waiting those few years would create a larger age gap between children, and make me an older parent...

Lots of you are saying a 2 year relationship is not long enough to have a child- how long would you feel you needed to be with a partner before feeling ready for children??(

(DDs father and I were together 6 years before having DD- he still turned out to be a massive arse after she was born!)

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 08/10/2020 09:55

DS is an only (on purpose). It was hard during lockdown but generally it's great, so don't let that put you off.

Original poster
tempName101 · 08/10/2020 09:58

Thanks @MinnieMountain
We have such fun with DD, and she is so brave and confident, I do worry about 'diluting' the attention we can give her.

My sister (5y age gap) send me some photos of us as children today, we look like the best of friends! Despite the age gap.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 08/10/2020 10:55

I’m 30 with a 12 year old. When/If we do conceive there will be a huge age gap between my children.

However, our salary will be secure, our mortgage in order. Not a huge income but combine £70k, so not struggling (we live in the North East).

You’re focusing a bit too much on the gap, I’m sure your dd will love her sibling regardless of how old she is (btw she’s still very young!).

Also how can you be sure of his commitment to you both?

I’d say a few more years op, make sure your relationship is solid.

tigger001 · 08/10/2020 18:57

They would play together eventually. I have a brother of just under 3 years age gap. Then 2 sisters that are 10 years younger than me and 13 years younger than me. All 4 of us are now old enough to hang out together. Flip side.

Flip side, my father doesn't choose to speak to his siblings now and never played together through their childhood really. (4 year gap)
My DH didn't play with his sister much (3 years) and they didn't socialise much as adults until much later as they had their own lives.

Just saying you are not guaranteeing your sibling a friend or playmate that OP talks about.

2 years between myself and my brother, we played together lots, I think that more because we lived out in the doubtful once we moved into civilisation we moved in our own circles, but we are close.

Holiday21plea · 08/10/2020 20:10

Just saying you are not guaranteeing your sibling a friend or playmate that OP talks about.

This comes up a lot on here. I have an only myself. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

However you have to be in it to win it though!

Redolent · 08/10/2020 20:26

Sounds like your child would benefit from room sharing with a sibling: learning to negotiate space and boundaries, what’s hers and what isn’t, decentering her PFB status (acceptable when they’re very small, decidedly unpleasant if it’s still there as they grow older). But of course that’s not how you sell it to her. Children feed off the anxieties of their parents. If you see room sharing as a threat to her, she’ll pick up on that and feel the same.

SimonJT · 09/10/2020 19:09

Two years is a bit quick, especially as it would be another big change for your little one. I really want another one, my partner would like one, but we’ve only been together just over 18 months, my son has only known my partner for a year and we’re not married. As lovely as it would be to start stage one right now, thats a way off as we have to do it at a time scale that best suits my son.

I would also be carefully as you’re not financially secure.

Imworthit · 10/10/2020 08:26

Go for it. There are always reasons not to but nothing good in life comes without some risk 💐

AmIACowBag · 10/10/2020 13:51

You don't gave the room OP you only have 2 bedrooms tackle that dilemma first.

AmIACowBag · 10/10/2020 13:51

Have

AmIACowBag · 10/10/2020 13:54

I'm probably a little cranky on that though as SS's mum has 4 kids in a 2 bedroom flat and moans constantly about how the council should give her a house and her kids are suffering. When in reality she made herself overcrowded. Do you know what, go for it OP 2 is a lot less than 4 😂

Lillysnotroses · 10/10/2020 15:44

Considering the age gap. I wouldn’t be waiting another few years. I would go for it!

Namechange8471 · 10/10/2020 17:36

Have you decided op?

Original poster
tempName101 · 10/10/2020 17:54

Thank you all for the input- it's interesting how many people think a playroom etc is crucially important! I quite like having kids stuff about...and I also totally get what a PP said about diluting DDs pfb-ness!

I have decided to get a quote for moving bathroom- as it is very important for kids to have the own space considering age gap/becoming teeenagers. If/when this is done we will have plenary of space.

OP posts:
taraRoo · 10/10/2020 23:21

Just on the bathroom.. I work in property and no upstairs bathroom will really effect the value of your property. It really puts buyers off. Can you put in another bathroom/ en-suite?

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