To ask for more maintenance?

[liani]

My son is very nearly 2, he lives with me full time and then sleeps over at his dad's house one night per week. It was two nights during lockdown, but as he and his parents (who he lives with) are back at work, it's now just one night. He often works long and unsocial hours, not on a set schedule every month.

Pre-lockdown, he had DS to sleep over one night and picked him up from nursery another day and brought him back just before bedtime.

When DS was born, his dad was on an apprentice wage and was only making about £800 a month. He sends £100 maintenance per month (sometimes £90), but I'm sure in two years his wage will have gone up, we don't talk a lot unless we have to. Most communication is through his mother.

Prior to September, I worked from home but now I'm at university full time and my course also requires me to do 12+ hour shifts (which he and his parents know), so DS is in nursery full time which is bloody expensive, as I'm sure you know! I'm paying for nursery.

AIBU to say to his dad: either pay more maintenance or have DS more often?

I'm very nervous to say anything, I was thinking of sending it in a text but I don't want to ask if I am BU.

You're not being unreasonable. Ask the question and look into the cms.

If he’s working then go through the CMS. The amount he has to pay is based on his income. Nursery costs have to come out of that unless he voluntarily chooses to pay towards them. You knew how much it would cost when you decided to study instead of work.

You can ask if he wants more contact but you can’t make him do it. If he works ft he’ll need paid for childcare too and might not want to have to pay for it. Would his mother be happy to help with childcare?

Is the maintenance through the CMS or just through you both mutually?
I'd ask the question tbh as children cost a lot more than £100 a month to bring up. If he says no then at least you've asked

It's not through the CMS. I wouldn't even say it's mutually agreed, it's just what he had decided he's going to pay.

He was paying £20 a week to begin with but I told him it wasn't enough.

I'm reluctant to go through the CMS as I don't want to create any more tension.

AnneLovesGilbert

Yes, I did know how much nursery costs before I decided to study. And I can afford it alone, but would be a lot more comfortable if his father helped.

The only reason he didn't attend nursery whilst I was working during lockdown was because they were closed. Pre-lockdown, I was studying. I'm actually better off with my student loan and grants than I was whilst working.

Go through CMS, it's not your job not to create tension, it's his job to provide for his child, you're not in the wrong for asking or expecting him to do that.

if your child maintenance was to increase would that impact how much you get in student support?

No, it wouldn't affect how much I get in student support.

You can work out what he owes through the CMS, it won’t progress to deduction of earnings - where they take it straight from his earnings - unless he refuses to pay the right amount.

And remember it’s only amicable if it’s amicable when you can be honest. If you’re treating on eggshells so he doesn’t kick off then there’s already tension and you may as well at least get the full amount you’re owed.

Just go through CMS. You end up with more tension when you try to negotiate an amount yourselves because you dont have all the facts and he can claim he is not earning enough etc. Just call CMS. If he complains just say you want to make it fair for everyone and they can do that by giving the correct figures. Call them today and start it now because they cant backdated.

*backdate it

Thank you for your responses, I agree with a lot of what you're saying.

I feel like I should give him the opportunity to have DS more often, I feel like it would be nice/best for DS.

Ugh! I can't make my mind up, constantly walking in egg shells around this man.

Why hasn’t he asked for more contact? If he’s flakey and you need him to cover childcare you’re having to rely on him which could be very stressful. You also don’t want him to agree to more contact as it’ll cost him less in maintenance to then not show up and leave you in a bind.

I would definitely get more maintenance £100 a month probably covers two days at nursery at most. I would think about going through CMS to save the hassle of constantly wondering how much he's earning and what he should be paying.

Not sure 'you knew how much it would cost to study before you went' is really relevant here. Split parents are allowed to go into work or further education and still expect their childs other parent to pay a decent amount towards their upkeep. This is so common. Mum has child full time which enables DAD to work full time without worrying about arranging or paying for childcare. Mum is now unable to have child full time as she is working/studying but he can't (or won't) because he is at work - the childcare it benefits him, he should contribute too. I'd absolutely ask him OP. Even £100 will be nowhere near what you actually spend on your child and childcare. Do you get the childcare grant from SFE (you should!)?

Not at all unreasonable to ask for more maintenance and for his dad to have him more. In fact, assuming that your child’s father has had an increase in his wages over the past couple of years it’s him who’s being unreasonable for not increasing the child support off his back.

Kids are not pay per view! It sounds like the dad is not paying enough, have a conversation and tell him his contribution needs to increase - raising kids is expensive. If you think it would be good for your son to spend more nights with his dad that is a different conversation.

My point was that it’s OP’s choice to study and if he was already paying the minimum amount he owes based on his income her choices don’t become his responsibility. I’m sure he’s not paying the full amount and hasn’t offered to increase it if his income has gone up so have several times suggested she goes down the official route via the the CMS.

If the NRP was already paying what he owes - yes it’s the minimum but he can’t be compelled to pay more than that - and the RP decided to quit work and expect the NRP to pay more and subsidise that choice, that would be daft. Both parents are equally responsible for paying towards their child’s expenses.

Child support is based on the paying parent’s income, not the financial needs of the receiving parent. You can argue that’s unfair but that’s the way it currently is.

Are you sure you're getting all of your childcare grants? You should only be paying around 15% of your childcare bill.
Use the cmo calculator based on minimum wage for the no of hours you know he works and see what he should be paying and tell him. If he says he doesn't earn that much ask for proof of earnings for 3 months and he will need to pay you based on that and if he wont tell him you will go to child maintenance.

I'd work on him having DS more first, rather than getting more money.

Is he ever not working when you are, and DS is at nursery?

I would just have a chat with him, say I’m struggling to pay nursery fees is there any chance of more money or can he have your child more so I don’t have to pay so much in nursery fees. Have an amount in mind.Then take it from there.

Have you looked at the childcare grant payment service? It pays up to 85% of your nursery fees while you are studying. I've just started my degree this year so that info is current

You could ask him if he wants more contact first and then if he doesn't go through CMS. I do think that having an official contract with CMS will be more straight-forward and les stressful in general though as his wages could increase/decrease at any time without you knowing.

Check the cms calculator. I think on 800/month income he’s probably paying more than the calculated amount at the moment. I know it’s a minimum and you’re able to ask/agree between you but all the posters saying “go through cms” don’t know he would owe more...

'both parents are equally responsible for paying for their child' 😂😂😂😂 absolutely. So why is the cms minimum so pitiful in many cases and designed to be only a contribution toward 'essentials'?cam I just use 18% of my salary for kids essentials and not do anything else then? Excellent.