AIBU I can't forgive and forget

[geeta2002]

In May my mum died totally unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. My brother and I have never been close but instead of bringing us back together this had torn us apart. He has accused me of saying things which I haven't said, if i say something he doesn't like or agree with he is not telling me he is telling the whole family and it comes back to me after passing through about 5 different people.
But to make things worse on the day of her funeral we found out that my father in-law had terminal lung cancer with 5 months left to live (he died after 4). He has done so much for us and our children that both me and my husband decided that we wanted to look after him and care for him if he agreed. The only way we could do this is if we moved into my mums now empty house as ours isn't big enough, the house legally belongs to my dad who is no longer in the picture but my mum still loved him and left the house in his name. My dad agreed that we could live there for as long as mt FIL was alive but my brother had other ideas and before we moved in he took everything, from pillows to duvets to food. He hid keys to the back doors one of which led to the downstairs toilet ( the main reason we moved in). Not once has asked how I am even after I became my FIL carer, he didn't even offer his condolences when he died. I am finding it very difficult to forgive him but yet my family think I should let it go. I am finding it hard to forgive him because we moved in to look after a dying man not have a party in a empty house.
Now my FIL is dead we are expected to move out ASAP which will be this weekend, but AIBU to hold a grudge and not forgive?

I just want to dd that what i have put in the post is just the tip of the iceberg, he has accused me of stealing my mums jewellery to the point that we had to sit down with extended family and take pictures of what there is. He has taken all her papers including her will and refused to let me read it. He has closed a couple of her bank accounts and kept the money ( and she wasn't short of a few quid). Family are telling him what he is doing isn't right but he is not listening yet they expect me to forgive!!

Just cut him off permanently. Nothing to do with an extended family members. Your decision, they can like it or lump it.

Doesn’t the will have to go through probate? I’d contact a solicitor and file with court to get a copy of the will. Then if he’s taken your inheritance, pursue that.
The relationship is over between you two, so yes you could one day forgive. But that doesn’t mean taking what he is doing now lying down.

I would consider getting the police involved. He is stealing

And it doesn’t matter what your family say, you don’t have to forgive him.

How is he able to access her money? This sounds hideous.

That's breathtakingly heartless if not cruel. As soon as you can wash your hands of him I certainly wouldn't blame you.

Report him to the police for the theft from the estate. Get a good lawyer. Have you got probate?

Yes yes it is illegal to seize part of an estate when it is in probate.

It is so frustrating when family say to forgive and forget, I think its to make it easier on them. My DS and I haven't spoken for years, She isn't a very nice person and has caused upset throughout the whole family several times, My DM always say's its time my DS and I sort things out, But, Nah, she went too far last time she caused havoc and I can't be doing with the constant drama. Don't feel like you have to forgive and forget just to please others, No doubt he will act the same way again in the future. Hopefully once any lose ends are tied, you can live your life without having to think of your DB ever again. Good luck

There should also be for probate an inventory done of your mums possessions in the house. These then are supposed to be divided among beneficiaries (unless your dad inherited everything depends on will) using a mutually agreed system. Your brother can’t just go in the house and take what he wants. Pillows and duvets...yes small ticket items. But what about the jewelry? Other things? What else might he have helped himself to?
You definitely need legal advice and I agree the police may indeed get involved.

Thanks for the advice, TBH I haven't looked into probate yet because I have been so busy being a full time carer while working from home and taking care of the kids. My DH, his son, works away and comes back at the weekends so it was left up to me to look after my FIL. I didn't mind and would do it again in a heartbeat. It just makes me so sad that my DB could do this to me at this time in my life, it sounds so pathetic but when I leave on Sunday I will have to take pictures of everything to prove that I have left it in a good state and not taken anything that's not mine.

Since COVID it is a lot easier to close down bank accounts it is all done online and can be done within the hour.

She had a lot of jewelry which was well hidden, without telling me he went and took it out of the 'hiding place' and took it home. I only realized because he is thick as s**t and told me. I have no idea what she had so he could haven taken out what he wanted and showed me what was left. My dad inherits everything but isn't doing anything about it, TBH I couldn't care less about the money or the estate it just brings problems I just wish he would stop talking crap about me.

I'm sorry for your double losses @geeta2002

I just wanted to add that if probate has been granted (if your brother applied) you can search for the Will online to have a read. It's a few quid to buy.

And no you're not being unreasonable, I'd cut my brother off completely if he behaved like that. Death and inheritance really does bring out the worst in people.

Thanks for that I will try and have a look. I know that neither one of us is entitled to anything until my dad dies my mum always told us that, like I said I couldn't care less I just hate the way that the rest of my family know what he is doing is wrong and told him so but yet they find it hard to understand why I don't want anything to do with him.

Is your brother the executor of the will?

You need to speak to your Dad. He needs to step up to protect you. Not leave everything to you and let your brother ride roughshod over you both.

@VeryQuaintIrene

Is your brother the executor of the will?

I am not sure, I have not taken much notice of the paperwork on my mums side because I have been so busy with my FIL. I think we both are but not 100% because I received a letter at my home address saying they needed a written confirmation from me to prove I am who I say I am, I spoke to the lady on the phone and she said she sent the same one out to my brother. This is because we might be entitled to a bit of money each.

I have already spoken to my dad and he won't do anything. In fact all he talks about is my mum and just by passes anything I say. The one time he has acknowledged anything he blamed my DB wife, but my DB is a grown man and makes his own decisions that's the way I see it. I can argue with my DH but we are both grown adults and can't make the other one do something they don't want to do. It feels like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Is your Dad the only beneficiary or just for the house? If he is the sole beneficiary then what your brother has done is theft. The contents of the house and bank are your dad's (after any debts/funeral etc)

He sounds very bitter and twisted and if I were you I wouldn't hesitate in calling the police.

You need to phone the solicitor who sent you the paperwork and ask if you are both executors. Your DB can proceed without you if you both are but would have to have told them he was the main executor and i think you would have had to sign an official form rescinding executorship.
If you are an executor you have every right to receive a copy of the will from the solicitor. Its only if you're not a beneficiary that you cant see the will until probate is granted/will is proved.

Oh dear. I am sorry for your losses. My brother was, and is like this, OP, particularly over the death of our mother a few years ago. He acted really appallingly, and it is very difficult to come to terms with. I believe he was already very upset with me over something he accused me of, which I did not remotely do - in fact it was nothing to do with me at all, but he persists in having cut me off completely and was terrible about my mother's things, including her jewelry. He is just quietly furious all this time and will have nothing to do with me, which is very hurtful. Understanding why someone acts badly will help forgiveness, but it is often impossible to know what caused their behaviour. The only thing I can suggest for you is to not let your justifiable anger fester for too long. Once you have processed your grief about your DM and FIL, it will be best if you can just let all the hurt and anger caused by your brother go. Easy to say - it has taken me years to get to this point , but it will be better for you and your happiness not to carry this around with you like a burden. Another thing is that people who are grieving often behave in strange and sometimes awful ways. And there is something about mothers and sons!
In the meantime, about her will. Are you an executor? If you know who your mother's solicitor was, get in touch and ask them. They should be able to let you have a copy of the will, which names beneficiaries and executors. If you are in touch with your father and he is able to deal with things, he is someone you need to ask about your mother's affairs. He may be an executor, and if so has a duty to distribute your mother's things in accordance with her will.
In any case, can you get him onside to prevent your brother doing/taking more than he should? If you are joint executors with someone else, you both have this responsibility, so if it is you and your brother will not respond to letters questioning what he is doing, you can get a solicitor to be a go between. This is what happened with me and my brothers who would not speak to me though we were all executors. All done by letters via the lawyer. It cost though! This difficult time will pass OP and the future will be better without bitterness and recriminations following you around. I feel for you, as it is not easy. Your care of your FIL was wonderful. You will always have that knowledge. Good luck.

Thank you so much for the advice as far as I know all my mum's possessions, house, money jewelry etc went to my dad but he doesn't want anything to do with it. They were married for a long time and most of the things in this house are rightfully his as he either bought them or contributed to them. He paid the mortgage off and they were on good terms right to the end. My mum always loved him and thought it was right that everything go to him before it is passed down to me and my DB especially as it is because of him she had nice things. But he just agrees with everything my DB says and the rest of the family will not say anything to my dad because he is grieving. He doesn't want to live in the house yet doesn't want to sell it but yet expects me and my DB to maintain it because he can't. I have said that I will not be maintaining this house when I move out, especially as we asked to live here long term to save money and he said no, (Blessing in disguise).

I will try again to get somewhere with the will and phone the solicitor and ask for my own copy.

Your intentions may have been entirely philanthropic however your brother may have seen you moving in to the house as an attempt to gain possession ahead of ownership being established and/or probate being processed. In the same way that he should not have removed possessions, you should not have moved in; indeed you even say that you wanted to live there long term to save money so he may had some grounds for concern that you were getting something he was not (free rent which it sounds like your dad put a stop to) or even becoming a sitting tenant if the house was to pass joint to both of you either now or in the event of your dad passing away. Sorry - he may have behaved badly but I think you’ve been naive too.

Agree with lozter. Sounds like you’re both very suspicious of each other, and your poor dad is caught in the middle of it all.

How can your DB close your mother's bank accounts and keep the money? It all sounds very dodgy to me. You need to contact your mother's solicitors and find out exactly what is going on - and let them know what your DB has done. When someone dies their bank accounts are frozen until the will is sorted. I don't even understand how he could close the account, it wasn't his to close. If, as you say, everything was left to your DF then your brother has committed theft and it should be reported.