AIBU I can't forgive and forget

[geeta2002]

In May my mum died totally unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. My brother and I have never been close but instead of bringing us back together this had torn us apart. He has accused me of saying things which I haven't said, if i say something he doesn't like or agree with he is not telling me he is telling the whole family and it comes back to me after passing through about 5 different people.
But to make things worse on the day of her funeral we found out that my father in-law had terminal lung cancer with 5 months left to live (he died after 4). He has done so much for us and our children that both me and my husband decided that we wanted to look after him and care for him if he agreed. The only way we could do this is if we moved into my mums now empty house as ours isn't big enough, the house legally belongs to my dad who is no longer in the picture but my mum still loved him and left the house in his name. My dad agreed that we could live there for as long as mt FIL was alive but my brother had other ideas and before we moved in he took everything, from pillows to duvets to food. He hid keys to the back doors one of which led to the downstairs toilet ( the main reason we moved in). Not once has asked how I am even after I became my FIL carer, he didn't even offer his condolences when he died. I am finding it very difficult to forgive him but yet my family think I should let it go. I am finding it hard to forgive him because we moved in to look after a dying man not have a party in a empty house.
Now my FIL is dead we are expected to move out ASAP which will be this weekend, but AIBU to hold a grudge and not forgive?

I can certainly say my dad is not caught in the middle of anything, I only ever mentioned this to him one time. I understand a lost cause so didn't bring it up again. Like I said I don't care about the money or the estate I am just sick and tired of having to defend my name against false accusations.
I can also say with certainty my dad is not a 'poor man' at no point has he defended me in fact his view is 'well you know what you brother is like'.

I wonder if your brother's name was added as a joint account holder to all your Mothers's bank accounts.....that would explain why he was able to close them down and keep the money. But if so, that is something your Mother must have wanted to do while she was alive.

@eaglejulesk

How can your DB close your mother's bank accounts and keep the money? It all sounds very dodgy to me. You need to contact your mother's solicitors and find out exactly what is going on - and let them know what your DB has done. When someone dies their bank accounts are frozen until the will is sorted. I don't even understand how he could close the account, it wasn't his to close. If, as you say, everything was left to your DF then your brother has committed theft and it should be reported.

I agree it wasn't his to close, but my dad doesn't care what he has done. It is quite easy to close bank accounts in the current climate, just need to go online and send the death certificate, unless the amount in the bank is over a certain amount. I can't remember how much, the only reason I know this is because he tried to do it with another bank and they said no.

Don't forgive him. His behaviour is unforgiveable. Don't make a song and dance about not talking to him, etc, but keep anything businesslike and just remove him mentally from your life. He sounds like a total shit

I think you need to establish all the facts and try to suspend judgement on your brother until you know them. For example, it is easy to notify a bank of a death, however, the next course of action the bank takes is to freeze the account. Even with joint accounts, or when the money will transfer to a spouse, there can be a gap between this happening and money being handed over. If the bank account was in a sole name, probate would need to be granted before funds were released. If this has happened as you describe on the say so of your brother then the bank is remiss. Honestly, if you really do care about repairing the relationship with your brother, at least establish the facts of the situation and understand the legal
probate process before jumping to conclusions about morality and motivation on his part.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

I learned, in therapy, that forgiving doesn’t mean you let the person off the hook. It’s more about you letting go and moving forward with the emotional luggage.

So, forgiving him is nothing to do with your family and it will happen when you are ready.

For now I would cut contact with him.

Horrible situation for everyone. Clearly your brother is furious that you unilaterally decided to move into your mothers old house (now your fathers house). He is trying to stop you laying claim to anything else.

I understand why you moved, but in reality your FIL wasn’t anything to do with your brother and I can understand why he feels you had no right to move into the house. Your father, brother and you need to get a solicitor to sort out this mess. Your mum wanted your dad to have her house. So there must be some knowledge of her will for you to all know that.
Your brother can’t have shut down your mums bank accounts and cleared out the cash, even with a death certificate, without having PoA or other legal right to do so.

How terrible, sorry for your loss OP. This reads like an enormous mess and burrying your head in the sand and not dealing with the paperwork will cause nothing but more grief. Sorry to be blunt but we had this in our family - the widow that wouldn't deal with anything, greedy relatives coming out of the woodwork, eventual anger at the widow who, by not dealing with things, essentially enabled the greedy bastards to take whatever they want etc.

Also, to be honest, I don't understand why you feel you had the right to move into the house and why you can't understand why he might be upset about it and try to protect some of his inheritance since it looked like you may be taking the house.

You may decide you want none of it. That would be silly in my view but may be easier emotionally if you cut yourself off from the situation by telling your brother he can have absolutely everything. Or you decide that you do want something in which case you need to deal with it. You can't unfortunately leave these things in the air as your brother will just take more and make you more upset.

You can close down the accounts with a death certificate and you signing to say you are next if kin, as long as the balance is below a certain(high figure) it's done there and then

I'd never forgive him. X

I'd go to the police too. X

cut him off but if he has stolen your mothers money and possesions, I would call the police.

Please put aside how busy you are and set probate in action.
You cannot leave this situation in limbo until you feel like it.
Costs will accumulate.

There mignt not a be Need for probate if the house was already owned by your dad and there is only relatively low amounts in out assets.

In which case he could close the bank accounts and as long as he distributes the proceeds according to any will he has not committed any offence.

When my husband died most of our assets were jointly held but he did have a couple of sole named banks accounts with just under 10k in them. There was no will and I just took a copy of the death certificate along with our marriage certificate into the banks and closed the accounts.

Did you discuss moving into your fathers house with your brother? The fact you wanted to live their long term would have made him think you were trying to claim the house for yourself. I think most people would have felt nervous of what your intentions were.

If your DM left everything to your Dad, then your Dad can choose to give it to anyone, either now or when he dies. It isn’t yours and you’ve no claim to it.

Sorry, but as unfair as it feels to you, if your Dad chooses to let your brother have the money or house or whatever else, then he has every right to do so.

The fact one bank refused to close an account would indicate that it holds a good amount of funds. I would guess over 25k. They would have asked for a copy of probate which would have the will attached which would state who the executors are. You need to speak to the solicitor.