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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU is this nosy??

55 replies

THJ8LL · 06/10/2020 15:09

Yesterday morning I was at the scene of a car collision and was the person who called the ambulance and police and stayed there for three hours until the scene was cleared.
Police took my statement and details but I never got to know the names of the family involved and would like to know if the parties involved are okay and well?
A friend suggested I phone the local police station or hospital which they went to but my partner seems to think this is really nosy as I don't know the people involved

I do see his point but after seeing and hearing all that went on yesterday I can't stop thinking about them and if they are okay

AIBU to want to know this info??

OP posts:
Original poster
THJ8LL · 06/10/2020 15:49

@bythehairsonmychinichinchin apologies yes I was suppose to tag @Howlooseisyourgoose in my response also!
I guess everyone is entitled to say what they like as I did ask for opinions but I do appreciate you understanding exactly what I was trying to say ☺️

OP posts:
bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 06/10/2020 15:51

@THJ8LL that’s ok, I hope you’re not too traumatised by what you saw. I’d post a message on your local FB group sending your well wishes, usually someone will know the people involved.

RosieBdy · 06/10/2020 15:53

I was the first on the scene of a collision between a motorbike and a tractor a few years ago...
Like you, I stayed for over an hour, holding the cyclist's hand, waffling on about complete rubbish just to keep him awake and responding etc
I just needed to know that he was ok afterwards, so rang and spoke to the police. They forwarded my details to the officers involved who did ring me back and gave me news (after the family had given them permission to do so).
I couldn't sleep for worrying about him and wondering what happened, so it put my mind at ease to hear that it would be a long road to recovery, but that he was ok and the prospects looked good.
I hope you hear back soon...

Palavah · 06/10/2020 15:58

I'm sorry that you're feeling shaken up, thats understandable. It's also understandable to want to know what happened and to hope for reassurance.

You could pass on your details and good wishes to the family liaison officer but be aware you might not hear anything back

The thing is, they might not be ok - would you be prepared to hear bad news too?

You might be better off talking to someone about it and getting closure that way.

theemmadilemma · 06/10/2020 15:59

You can call the Police station and if you explain they should be able to just confirm everyone involved is safe and well.

I've had similar type scenario and they were able to confirm the outcome without sharing personal data.

Original poster
THJ8LL · 06/10/2020 16:00

@bythehairsonmychinichinchin

There were quite a lot of items that found themselves on the pavement and around the area such as shoes toys sunglasses loose change, I thought that the police would have taken these items but they were left behind. I collected them all and put them in a carrier bag and placed them by the side of the car that had been moved into a lay by waiting for recovery to collect

Again I know this might not have been my place to do so but I felt that in the moment it was the right thing to do

OP posts:
rwalker · 06/10/2020 16:03

I completely get where you are coming from me and a young lad were 1st a the scence when a girl hit car It was horrendous.
couldn't stop worring goggled all local papers and drove back next day to see if there were flowers left there so presume she pulled through.

My friend took a old woman to hospital who fell in a car park she posted on local Facebook group to wish her well and got a DM from the ladies daughter someone had seen it and told her.

bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 06/10/2020 16:03

@THJ8LL that’s kind of you. Hopefully the police office will be in touch.

Vandree · 06/10/2020 16:06

THJ8LL, I know where you are coming from, I think some people just went off about names without reading properly. A few years back we were in a restaurant where a lady and her mum where having dinner where the mum collapsed and was taken in the ambulance, I sat with her daughter in the back of our car to drive her to the hospital because she wasnt allowed in the ambulance. I held her hand and tried to comfort her. It was traumatic and we wanted to know the outcome if the lady was ok and the hospital let us know when we rang. It wasn't too long after my DH lost his dad to a heartattack on a village mainstreet and it was a great comfort to know people had been with him at the time. So not nosy at all. The police or hospital might be able to tell you the outcome or take your details and ask the family for permission to talk to you in a general sense. Hope you are ok

Esmereldapawpatrol · 06/10/2020 16:16

I don't think the police would be able to tell you anything without the family's permission. My little one was taken to hospital in an ambulance, the paramedic that looked after us called the ward at the end of his shift (which I thought was so lovely) to ask how she was and I had to be the one to speak to him as the nurses weren't allowed to give out that information.

I completely understand why you would like to know though you aren't being nosy it's because you care!

ifIwerenotanandroid · 06/10/2020 16:19

OP, I was one of the first on the scene of an accident in a remote location which involved children. DH & I stayed until the police arrived & did what we could. We, too, wanted to know how they were afterwards, as it didn't look good. We were in something of a state of shock.

I phoned the police a day or two later & asked (they'd taken my DH's name & address - can't remember if they asked for that over the phone to make sure I wasn't a random person ringing up). They told me how the children were: I won't go into details here.

If you want to, I'd say it's OK to ring the police & ask.

IHaveAGreyLamp · 06/10/2020 16:27

OP, police officer here. If you ring and ask to speak to the officer in charge of the case, they will let you know if the people in the accident were okay. You are a witness after all, they would be keeping you updated anyway in case anything goes to Court etc. They obviously won’t go into detail but yes they will let you know if they’re okay.

Quickchange5 · 06/10/2020 16:28

Local to me a lady posted on our local FB page in a similar position - a family member contacted her

SunshineCake · 06/10/2020 16:29

If this was me, I'd be grateful for the help you gave in calling the emergency services but ringing to find out my name and how I was wouldn't impress me.

IHaveAGreyLamp · 06/10/2020 16:29

And no I don’t think it’s nosy, despite what your DH says. You witnessed an accident which can be traumatic and stressful, if you are a caring person it’s natural to want to know everyone is okay (regardless if you know them or not)

anuffername · 06/10/2020 16:39

@SunshineCake

If this was me, I'd be grateful for the help you gave in calling the emergency services but ringing to find out my name and how I was wouldn't impress me.
OP doesn't want their bloody names and I seriously doubt that she is calling to "impress" them.
spiderlight · 06/10/2020 16:41

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It must have been an upsetting experience for you and knowing the outcome will help you to process it. As others have said, the family liaison officer will hopefully be able to give you at least a general update. Picking up the toys etc. was such a kind thing to do.

oakleaffy · 06/10/2020 16:41

[quote THJ8LL]@Howlooseisyourgoose
As I said I'm not expecting or nor do I want personal details. I was at the scene for hours and just wanted to know if all those involved are okay as all I know is what I heard the responders say they suspect the injuries are and after seeing something so nasty I'd just like peace of mind[/quote]
I know how you feel.
As a kid, we saw a horrid accident on a Bridge in Macon, France, and a woman, the driver was ''Not in a good looking condition'' {Don't want too go into details} Her brown hair, yellow sweater and slender arms and pale hands are etched in my memory like a polaroid.

I still wonder if she is OK.

Probably the local news may have info?
Hope they are ok.

carolebaskinfedhimtothetigers · 06/10/2020 16:43

People often post in my local fb group saying they were at the scene of an accident/helped someone who fell etc and ask anyone who may know them to pass on their details, there's always nearly someone who knows who was involved and puts the two people in touch

oakleaffy · 06/10/2020 16:44

@RosieBdy

I was the first on the scene of a collision between a motorbike and a tractor a few years ago... Like you, I stayed for over an hour, holding the cyclist's hand, waffling on about complete rubbish just to keep him awake and responding etc I just needed to know that he was ok afterwards, so rang and spoke to the police. They forwarded my details to the officers involved who did ring me back and gave me news (after the family had given them permission to do so). I couldn't sleep for worrying about him and wondering what happened, so it put my mind at ease to hear that it would be a long road to recovery, but that he was ok and the prospects looked good. I hope you hear back soon...
Thank goodness for that.

Poor bloke. He was lucky.

Leimarel · 06/10/2020 16:45

I was first on the scene of a motorbike accident, two passengers injured. I called the ambulance and stayed with them, one person was unconscious. the other awake and terribly distressed. I stayed with them both until the paramedics and police arrived. The police took my name and address and I rang a couple of days later. I was told that both people were recovering well in hospital.

It's upsetting to be at the scene of an accident and I needed to know, for my own peace of mind, whether the couple were okay or not.

Scotmummy1216 · 06/10/2020 16:45

They might be able to let you know general info not names but if they are ok. I don't think its nosy just concern. I phoned police once due to seeing a person close to a hospital at night with pyjamas on. They were able to tell me they were found and safe well back in hospital.

2me2u2u2me · 06/10/2020 16:49

@IHaveAGreyLamp

OP, police officer here. If you ring and ask to speak to the officer in charge of the case, they will let you know if the people in the accident were okay. You are a witness after all, they would be keeping you updated anyway in case anything goes to Court etc. They obviously won’t go into detail but yes they will let you know if they’re okay.
Ahhh, just love this message from grey lamp! Halo
lljkk · 06/10/2020 16:50

On my local facebook you could probably post the story & ask if anyone knows the people involved, please pass on the message that you wish them well. You'll get personal details in no time.

sonjadog · 06/10/2020 16:55

I wouldn´t ask on facebook as I think that would be intrusive, but you could call the police and ask just them. If they say they can´t tell you, then leave it.

You mention several times that you want to know they are okay. But they may well be not okay. How will you feel if you hear that they aren´t doing well at all? Would it be better just not to know?

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