Being too cautious & ruining husbands social life?

[SparklingPinot]

Sorry because far too many of these posts about but I can’t tell what’s right anymore! I’m just about to hit 6 x months pregnant with our rainbow baby & because of Covid & other health conditions (asthma & thyroid altho was never in a ‘shielding’ category), I’ve been pretty cautious..mostly meeting friends outside over the summer, not meeting big groups (even before the rule of 6), rarely going to friends houses (kind of just starting to now, again, again avoiding groups). Husband and I have still kept up a weekly date night to a nice restaurant wherever possible & husband is still going to the pub with his mates at least once a week - I don’t feel like I’ve stopped him doing anything. I’m happy to be this way, this pregnancy is so important to me & for the 3 x months I have left I would rather avoid risk as much as possible. DH works in a trade so is with people all the time (socially distancing where possible, he tells me) so I’m aware a Covid risk will come thro him but clearly this is unavoidable.
Over the weekend we had some very heated discussions resulting in a huge argument (which is still ongoing) because he has said “the way I am being” is affecting his life. Before the pandemic we would host friends for dinner / drinks regularly & since finding out i was pregnant I’ve not been (and am still not) comfortable having friends over (all of our good friends have children so them coming over would involve them bringing their school age children too). He is saying he feels trapped & lonely, that not being able to have friends over is affecting his mental health.
I love our friends dearly but none of them are really taking Covid seriously anymore, 2 of them are key workers too & I just don’t feel comfortable hosting at the moment. But I also don’t want to ruin my relationship or my husbands mental health.

Should I relent & start having people round on weekends again?
Never have I ever wanted to know peoples opinions so much, AIBU?
Thanks for reading if you got this far!!

I’d have people round SD outdoors but won’t be entertaining indoors for a while yet. Neither would I be visiting a pub or restaurant though so you are not being totally risk adverse and should remind him of that.

We know once this is over we can go back to how things were hopefully and it won’t be forever. I’d rather limit risk and find other ways to keep busy and in touch with others.

Take the bull by the horns now and set out your expectations for visitors. You could have a tough birth and be in no state to have a row.

Your husband should be doing everything possible to keep you and the baby safe. Even my child understands that life in 2020 has to be radically different.

Oh and in our household, pubs and restaurants are considered off limits. We do not go anywhere that people remove masks. So you aren’t even asking him to take it very seriously.

I work in the nhs and I think your husband is being incredibly selfish and immature. It should be all about your health and safety tight now NOT his needs and wants. How COULD he put you in danger like this? Its not safe out there.

@NailsNeedDoing

YABU to expect him to go further than following the rules, he’s doing enough.

He should be allowed to invite people over because it’s within the rules, It’s his house too and it’s just your anxiety that is stopping things. It is never fair for a persons anxiety to control someone else.

Ummm is this my husband?? 🤔🤔

Thanks so much everyone. Some wise words & feeling infinitely more confident that I’m not being super out of order now. Xx

[quote SparklingPinot]@Goosefoot thanks for your particularly measured response, & the helpful advice. He’s not your typical dickhead (I spent a long time with a selfish semi-abusing dickhead narcissist before this so I have literally got the t shirt on selfish pricks). We definitely need to have a think about how things will work when the baby comes. DH is very good & does a LOT for me (inc most of the cooking), but already I can see that the baby is going to change my life more than his, which he says is unfair to say...but it’s true. Is that the nature of being a woman?! Who knows & def a separate thread topic, god when did life become so hard! 😂[/quote]
I think that in the early babyhood, it really is more of a change for the mum.The first three months in particular is almost more intimate and intense than pregnancy, you aren't really separate from the baby yet. Hormones and just necessity mean you feel that ver intensely and in a lot of cases almost to the point where you have a hard time letting someone help.
Dad's often take a bit longer to get into accepting the change, they don't have that same intense physical connection, not the same level of hormonal change, and sometimes they can feel a bit useless and lonely too. I know my husband was sure it was a bad idea to leat a baby change your life too much, and there is some truth in that, but it meant he had a hard time letting go of some things he thought of as important. It helps if the husband can take some paternity leave and really help out in a hands on way.

Taking the virus a side for a moment having a baby does not mean you have to lock yourself away and not see anyone this the school starts school, the whole world does not because a baby is being born.

Now the virus makes things a bit different but to ban someone for having people over if it is within the rules is OTT

When a woman says a man can't have people over 'you are being cautious, it is anxiety, he should lock the doors and windows he is being '

When a man says a woman can't have her friends over 'there are red flags, he is controlling you, get out now, do you need a feminist divorce lawyer call them and get yourself somewhere safe'

I have asthma, it is important a growing baby have oxygen and flu or coronavirus can deprive that. Does he want his child have learning disability?

Anyway, both of my kids had viral induced asthma and they had to go to the hospital for oxygen (their level was in the mid to low 80’s ) and it was not even a flu, but a respiratory virus of some sort that triggered their asthma. I am scare what coronavirus can do to them.

You two do have another choice
, one of you live with someone else until everything is all clear

@Daisy95

After 28 weeks gestation you are supposed to work home where possible and definitely in a non person facing role. So I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable. I am a nhs worker who was pregnant during the pandemic. Maybe explain it to him in a way that if has Covid symptoms when you go into labour he will not be allowed at the birth? (In my trust anyway). I went into early labour at 34 weeks so you can’t always just isolate from 37 weeks. But at the end of the day it’s you and your baby you’re protecting. 😊

This was my thinking too... I have a newborn and I would've killed my partner if he caught Covid and then couldn't attend the birth.

Good luck for your last 3 months and the birth. Your partner's going to get a shock when the baby arrives and his social life disappears

He should be allowed to invite people over because it’s within the rules, It’s his house too and it’s just your anxiety that is stopping things. It is never fair for a persons anxiety to control someone else.

It isn't just anxiety is it, it is a rational concern and risk assessment. Some things are dangerous, or would just be OP's 'anxiety' stopping him jumping off a cliff? Extreme comparison, but it isn't unreasonable to not want sustained indoor contact with people who mixing elsewhere in the third trimester. There is enough risk from her DH himself.

Also, even if it were just a preference of OP's not to have people over, it seems fair for her SH to prioritise her feelings about it at this time in her pregnancy. He already gets to work outside the home, see friends in the pub every week, see some others outside or in their homes, and eat out as a date night every week with his wife. How much pandering to him has to be done?

He may be realising that his social life is about to be curtailed, or feeling down about other things, but that is no reason to put OP and his child in a difficult position.

Also, of course it isn't comparable to a man trying to stop a woman seeing her friends being controlling. If a man was vulnerable to this virus (awaiting surgery for example) and wanted his wife to see her friends outside their own home during a pandemic, I don't think anyone would label him controlling. OP clearly isn't trying to stop him seeing his friends and isn't doing this to control him.

Good luck OP, hope he settles into a better place soon.

he is being totally unreasonable, selfish and very dismissive of your feelings, tell him in no uncertain terms, he either likes it or lumps it, your baby and you are more important than bloody friends and if they are good friends, they will support you.

AIBU is not the best place to ask for relationship advice OP

Your absolutely right to feel concern, I would too. I’m pretty relaxed with Covid now but I’m not pregnant!

Babies do catch Covid although it’s considered very mild it still makes them feel unwell and who wants an unwell new born?

For you to get this sorted properly and longer term so it doesn’t rear its head again your going to have to try and take the heat out of the argument.

The points you need to make are

No one in the house
No queues of visitors when baby arrives.

This won’t last for ever he just needs to hang on a few more months.

He is being a selfish wanker IMO. Hes not exactly going to hav this raging social life he seems to want with a baby about either, with or without covid. Its going to be a massive shock to the system I think, if he feels badly done by now!

I’m also pregnant and wow, your DP doesn’t know how good he has it! He is being unreasonable.

My husband goes to golf outside once a week with the same people he works with and never more than a group of 4 of them. He goes to work. That’s it. We don’t host people to our homes, and in the past few months have only seen a few friends and family, when we can arrange to be in their garden and at a social distance at all times or meet in an outside location eg walk in the park with a coffee. We still go shopping out of necessity, but all social gatherings are out. I just will not risk my unborn babies health and my husband has supported me with this even tho at times he has felt penned in, as have I. It’s tough. But it’s not you or I making this situation, there’s a worldwide pandemic! And cases are on the up everywhere. Your DP needs to grow up as when baby is here you will want to stay home those first few weeks to limit risk of baby catching colds, flu etc and again will likely want to see people outside from a distance with baby all bundled up. He is being selfish and I’m so sorry he is acting like a teenager and treating you like his Mum, keeping him ‘grounded’ rather than the possible impact on you and his child. Big hugs and congrats on baby!!

YANBU.

We have a previously shielded toddler at home and are living very cautiously (aside from both going to work as teachers). It’s not anxious or unreasonable of you to want to do the same.

He is a tool . If he thinks he is restricted now wait untill newborn comes along. I fear he may be one of those men who conveniently goes to the pub a lot once baby is here. He's an utter dick.

YADNBU

You need to show him this thread op. His job is to protect and care for you and the baby, and quite frankly he seriously needs to pull himself together - and fast. What a selfish attitude, that his social life somehow comes before the health and wellbeing of his wife and baby!!

In three months time you won't have time for a social life or anything else, and I would have that conversation now op, he needs to understand and embrace the changes that are coming, once the baby arrives you are going to be too tired for this kind of debate/row. The baby comes first, his social life comes second. He really does need to get a grip on the realities of having a newborn baby. I would also be organising help quietly op, should he let you down, you will need a plan B certainly for the first few months. Do you have other means of suppport?

Just to say we are low risk, healthy, young and fit, and we are definitely NOT inviting people over inside for dinner anymore, and haven't since March!
We live in a very very low risk area too - and yes it is allowed here, but no one I know is having dinner parties anymore. We don't go to bars etc. We are doing our level best to keep the risks down.

We are just heading into a second wave, he should be looking after you!!

How on earth is he going to cope with putting a baby first if he's whinging like a child himself because you won't have friends over! He still has date nights (that'll go when the baby arrives), goes to the pub once a week (I do. Hope you'll do the same when the baby arrives and leave him to look after the dc), and socialises at work. He sounds like a big baby himself

YANBU

Your DH sounds very selfish. He really isn’t thinking about what is best for you and the baby. You will need to be very clear about limiting visitors after the birth, especially if his friends all have germy school aged children.

It shouldn’t be needed but you will have to explain to DH that your job as parents is to keep your child safe. His social life HAS to come a poor second to that, no matter how difficult it may be for him. If he feels depressed he can get medication or counselling for it if necessary. You need to be well for the birth and he must be incredibly dim if he can’t understand that.

I suspect he doesn’t want to compromise to do the right thing for his wife and child. Be prepared that this relationship may not survive for long if he can’t cope with the baby being your priority.