Friend's DD hitting me

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Met my very close friend today with our 4yo's. In the last few weeks whenever I've seen her her DD, at some point, comes and hits me. Not in anger, she thinks it's funny, and will punch me on the leg or in the belly then laugh. Having had 2 children, I understand these things happen - but my friend does nothing. I tell her DD off and say "Do not hit me that isn't nice" but my friend just kind of looks on and says absolutely nothing. If my DS hit my friend I'd be mortified. It's not especially painful, but I don't like it all the same and even if she's doing it because she thinks it's funny I don't think it should be encouraged. WIBU to tell my friend that I think she needs to tell her DD to stop? Is there a way to do that diplomatically?

BTW she also hits my friend, in anger, and my friend says nothing. Not even a "don't do that". It's like it hasn't happened. She's hit my son on occasion too, he's quite sensitive and gets upset and never retaliates (beyond growling at her). Again, my friend says nothing to her, it's down to me to tell her off.

Ok, so to answer questions...

I'm not going to immediately dump a very close and old friend because of an issue that can be resolved. Is this really how people treat their friends?

I do tell her DD off, I am firm with my "Do not hit me", palm up in front of her and stop her hand if I catch her doing it.

I haven't mentioned it to my friend yet because, aside from being utterly crap at confrontation, our different parenting styles are a bit of a bone of contention. Not sure if anyone will remember a thread I put up in the summer...TL;DR version - went on holiday with my friend and our 2 kids each (both have kids who are 4 and 8). Her 8yo's awful behaviour - over reacting, constant screaming and tantrums - was ruining it for my DD and we ended up leaving. We left on very good terms though, my friend understood and accepted her DD was challenging.

Anyway, since then I raised the issue that her 8yo may not be NT like she thinks - and she shut me down. Has no concerns that her DD is anything but just very sensitive. So since then really I'm reluctant to point out, yet again, that I think there are issues around her children. Should maybe have mentioned that in the OP but how early didn't want the OP to be a novel, and it may not be even relevant.

So anything I say may hit a nerve...I dunno. I might wait and see if it happens again and then say you might have to tell her off as she'll only do that at school.

Also, I'd love to meet my friend on an evening but I'm a single mum so can't leave the kids alone, and she would be more than welcome to come over but her DH refuses to watch the kids, even when they're asleep. Yes, he's a massive prick.

Or have some fun. Show the girl a lolly and tell her that it was for her but now she’s hit you she can’t have it. Then happily eat the lolly yourself without hesitation

That's vile behaviour, I would never do that.

Anyone being hit has the right to say “stop hitting me, I do not want you to hit me” , whoever is doing the hitting.

And it is a very important role modelling for your own child.

How is your child supposed to function at school if it is seen as normal to hit people?

Your friend is setting her Dd up to fail, too.

I would be very very firm, tell the child not to hit you and not to hit your Ds, say “this is my house and in this house we do not hit people”. Then say to your friend “as the mother of a boy I am really unwilling that he ever sees hitting as acceptable, so I do mean it that in this house no hitting is allowed. Can we agree on that?”

My Dc had a friend whose Dad did that stupid thing of tending his stomach and inviting his Ds to punch him. By the time he was 7 he was the kid who thought it a game to whack people with his book bag or forcefully run into people and barge them. It was sad because it made kids not want to play with him, and then because he had been taught that all this whacking and bashing was funny, his way of trying to win friends back was to do it more, and he never caught up in the alternative social skills.

OP, having read your latest post, c posted, is it that your friend has been downtrodden into a doormat, including with her own kids?

If she has such an unpleasant DH over whom she has no influence or mutual support, has she lost her backbone?

Very difficult.

I had a friend, who’s daughter was a nightmare. She would scream and hit out if she didn’t get her own way. Friend just didn’t discipline her. Friend told me of an incident when her dd wanted a certain pair of (very expensive) shoes. She said no and took her dd out of the shop. The ‘d’d had a meltdown and grabbed her mum’s hair and started punching her in the face whilst also kicking her. A passerby had to come to her rescue and help pull her dd off, taking a handful of hair with her, as it really was that serious an attack (friend had 2 black eyes and a burst lip). What did my friend do afterwards? She took her dd back into the shop and bought her the shoes!

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

OP, having read your latest post, c posted, is it that your friend has been downtrodden into a doormat, including with her own kids?

If she has such an unpleasant DH over whom she has no influence or mutual support, has she lost her backbone?

Very difficult.

Possibly - which is why I'm reluctant to go in all guns blazing. She essentially has the work load of a single parent except she has a useless DH to "manage" too

I agree with the comment, "no we don't ever hit in this house." Stand up, hand up and say it firmly. Gasp in shock if the child hits your friend. Ask her if she's ok. Do not gloss over this, make a big deal of it. Your friend sounds conditioned to it...

I remeber your thread. It is a tricky situation. The child thinks it's funny so isn't going to change. I think that you need to make it clear you won't be hit so if the statement isn't working just leave the situation and be clear why to the child. Ypu could give the opportunity to aplogise if you wish but until here is follow through I doubt she will do this. If you are out just say you are going and you/your child don't want to be hit and if they are at yours I would be clear that the rules are no hitting so it's best if they go home now. I don't think there is anything else you can do. Sorry.

He sounds more than 'useless' - he sounds deliberately unpleasant if he refuses to mind the children while they are asleep.

In fact he sounds as if he is trying to sabotage her social life / relationship with friends.

I don’t believe she should tell her child off if they have already been told off. Please talk to her, tell her you feel like she should tell her daughter off for hitting or you will.

It sounds like the younger one could be copying the older or it could be that she has SEN too. It doesn’t seem like a straightforward this NT child walks around hitting. There sound like a lot of issues.

I wonder if you gave this little one some positive attention that she would feel more relaxed.

I honestly can’t believe how people think a 4 year old should be treated 🤦🏼‍♀️

It doesn't sound like you're dealing with a situation that has a simple resolution.

Your friend's reluctance to address that her children could have SEN by just avoiding the whole question makes me think you're not going to get anywhere with a frank discussion about her Dd's hitting.

I suppose it also depends on what we are dealing with here, is she thinking it is fun or is it in anger or something more sinister? Either way, tell her and your friend at the beginning of the playdate you don't like her DD hitting you and you will go home if it happens, and leave if DD hits you. She should soon understand and your friend should notice it's not something you will accept.

I'd seriously be considering what a PP suggested. Is your friend's DD witnessing abuse in the home? Your friend's partner sounds awful.

You value your friendship and that's wonderful. You are allowed to decide what's acceptable to you, if your friend mentions it is say you were glad she raised it as you were wondering why her DD is hitting.

I'd probably just stop spending time with them. If she asks why, you could tell her that your son doesn't like it when her daughter hits him. She won't like hearing that, but it's the hard truth that her child will lose friends for as long as she hits.

Surely she knows you don't like it, since you speak up to her daughter, but as she's decided to let her daughter hit her, she apparently thinks it's okay for the child to hit others, as well. You can ask her about it, but I don't see it making a positive difference.

Slash I was having an incredibly immature moment. What I’d do and what I’d feel like would naturally be very different 😆