Friend's DD hitting me

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Met my very close friend today with our 4yo's. In the last few weeks whenever I've seen her her DD, at some point, comes and hits me. Not in anger, she thinks it's funny, and will punch me on the leg or in the belly then laugh. Having had 2 children, I understand these things happen - but my friend does nothing. I tell her DD off and say "Do not hit me that isn't nice" but my friend just kind of looks on and says absolutely nothing. If my DS hit my friend I'd be mortified. It's not especially painful, but I don't like it all the same and even if she's doing it because she thinks it's funny I don't think it should be encouraged. WIBU to tell my friend that I think she needs to tell her DD to stop? Is there a way to do that diplomatically?

BTW she also hits my friend, in anger, and my friend says nothing. Not even a "don't do that". It's like it hasn't happened. She's hit my son on occasion too, he's quite sensitive and gets upset and never retaliates (beyond growling at her). Again, my friend says nothing to her, it's down to me to tell her off.

Parent the adult you wish to get not the child you have - parenting?
Yes, often violent, often ignored and desperately looking for attention
Friend’s child ripped two handfuls of my hair out - as in right in his 5 yo hands
Father was aghast
Mum said we don’t focus on negatives
He’s giving them full returns on that now

I would say,in a very loud voice, you musn't hit people.its not nice,, and hope your silent friend takes notice. You can't just put this behaviour down to being childlike. I would not hesitate to tell off a child with bad behaviour, even if a parent was there.

Although I have never heard or seen my son do this I can't say he never has as I am not with him 24/7, I do not judge a child who hits because there is lots of reasons for that to happen.

I do judge parents who do nothing and make excuses if they are told though. You child hits then deal with it

I feel so sorry for the little girl. Her mother is seriously letting her down.

IMO, this is a form of neglect; not correcting the DC's behaviour so leaving them open to criticism by others and also not protecting other DCs from that behaviour.

My dd was never a hitter. My friend had the issue with her ds. Lots of talk about kind hands and time outs when necessary etc. If the girl goes to hit you again, can you turn her round and hold her the other way to prevent her from hitting you? Talk about kind hands etc? This may provoke a conversation with her mother. She may be outraged or she may she her stupidity.

This is unacceptable. My boisterous energetic 2 year old knows that we don't hit. They wouldn't dream of hitting another adult. That would be straight on the naughty step for them and, if done again, we would be leaving and going home. I would be embarrassed if another adult had to step in and discipline my child.

I had this exact issue with a friend. It ended up ruining the friendship. I stopped seeing her. She just wouldn’t discipline her child. Say something to your friend now before resentment sets in

First time- "no sweetheart, we don't hit. We use hands to play and be gentle"

Second time [insert stern louder mum voice] "NO. We don't hit" - then turn away from her without any further interaction until she's playing nicely again.

Give plenty of praise for being gentle with things, playing nicely etc.

If it happens a third time, say no again in the mum voice and tell her you are going home because its not nice to hit and no one wants to play any more. Then leave. Don't apologise to her mum or make it seem like you are embarrassed by the situation. Just say "I'm sorry but I'm not going to stay if I'm/ my daughter is being hit".

If she's any type of friend she'll actually do something about it for next time, and sincerely apologise.

When it's friends/family i will discipline them if the parents won't. Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to be an arsehole to them or say anything horrible, but i certainly won't accept dangerous or cruel behaviour.

You may have to walk away from the friendship if your parenting styles aren’t compatible. I had to do this.

Their DD hit my DS over the head with a toy. Hard. She wasn’t told off and they half-heartedly tried, and failed, to get her to apologise.

It meant I couldn’t ever trust them as my DS would be at risk.

I had this op with my closest friend, her dd did the same thing to my children and to me. In my case she was a friend of well in excess of thirty years.

At first I would tell the child to stop and that isn't nice (she never once listened, she had learnt to ignore adults) her mother did absolutely nothing. I stopped bringing my eldest dd out to begin with, as she used to target her.

In the end we stopped seeing them altogether. I could not put my children through it. I see my friend occasionally now on my own.

Now the dd is 12 she does not hit people anymore, but she is verbally abusive, prone to massive meltdowns when she doesn't get her own way, and demands and shouts her way through life. She is just as unbearable now as she ever was. A bully I suspect at school. My friend still continues to ignore her rude behaviour, and she has got worse and worse.

I would stop meeting up with the children immediately, and see her on your own or not at all. It is not fair on your children.

I think that it is important for kids to know that self defence is OK. From about age four we used to say 'we only hit if we are scared and need to get away. Were you scared? No. Did you need to get away? No. Then apologise and [insert consequence here]'

My shyest DC once had to hit back to escape a bully who was trying to restrain them. I was glad that they knew self defence is OK. In a worst case scenario we want them to feel like hitting to get away from a dodgy adult is also OK.

You could tell your friend in advance that you are being consistent with hitting. If a child hits for fun you will end the playdate.

@Porridgeoat

Or have some fun. Show the girl a lolly and tell her that it was for her but now she’s hit you she can’t have it. Then happily eat the lolly yourself without hesitation

Fun? That’s just weird

It’s not the hitting it’s the wet under reaction that would get me.

My lovely friends child went through a hitting stage and the minute she did it friend would swoop in shouting “in the porch!” and put be offender in the porch for a short time. We still comment that someone should “go in the porch” if anyone hits in a film or on tv. Worked well child ended up delightful. She was younger than 4 at the time though.

Hi op, a different perspective here. I taught. 3-4 year old who behaved similarly, she would often hit mum and us. She quickly learned not to in school by us having consistent boundaries, although she still hit mum.
Turns out she was witnessing domestic violence at home (very well hidden).
Depending on how close you are to your friend, is it something you could ask, if all is well at home.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I look after children and honestly am always surprised at how many parents let their children hit them and do nothing. Some of them actually laugh it off. Yeah great, but ots not that funny when they are punching other kids in a temper. Funnily enough I've never ever had one hit me.

If she does it again I would look at her mother and ask her why her child is hitting you, and if she thinks that's acceptable. Depending on her answer, tell her if she does it again you will knock her out . Not really, but I would tell her you won't be seeing her anymore and why.

I'm pretty fierce with a strong ''NO'' and haven't been hit either.. No fannying about with ''We don't do that, darling, it isn't nice''.

Saw a father being full on beaten by a -brat- who lives nearby...He and the mother were pleading with a school age child to ''Please come indoors darling''

Said darling was scowling and saying ''Don't -Wan't-To'' in a petulant manner.
Dad picked her up, and got a punching in the face and a kicking, and you could hear the child kicking off indoors from over the road.

They have a dog that is a brat, too.

Insipid parenting.

A Dog rescue Manager told me said ''We look at people's children when they come in..It tells us how a dog will be treated/behave in their family''

Good boundaries. I don't hit you, you don't hit me.

It’s not the hitting it’s the wet under reaction that would get me.

Very much this. I've hosted more toddlers groups, mother and children socials and birthday parties than I can remember and sometimes children did behave in ways they certainly shouldn't have. But we were fine because we could rely on each other to react. The only parent in our circle who wasn't very efficient turned out to be quite badly depressed, she eventually got help with her parenting and ended up raising two fine sons. I do remember ringing to get her though when her two eldest started fighting in ds' room. Sorry, not happening in this house.

My friend's daughter used to do this - proper feral thing she is so l used to hold her wrist just before she did it with a firm "no" which is exactly what l would have do e with my daughter. Unfortunately her parents both thought she was cute when she used to run around restaurants etc. So l just see my friend without her now, much easier when they are at school. Horrible situation though

I had a friend once whose son hit me, her and most other kids.
She knew it but would say: 'if I didn't see it, then it didn't happen' or 'if it happens again I'll take him home' (but never did). Final time was in a play farm place and the kid cornered me in a haytunnel, punched me in the face with a fistful of scratchy straw & damaged my specs.

There was a rash of it at the toddlers / playgroups I went to 10 years ago: parents not willing to break off from coffee and gossip to parent their kids. Both my kids were shy and got bullied. I wished they'd fight back but some kids can't so I had to remove them from situations.

The comment about kids / dogs is interesting.
I remember an older friend saying that a kid we had trouble with was 'neglected'. He was the youngest of 3 GP's kids, and had everything, but she pointed out he had almost no attention. Like their dog, he was trotted out for appearances, but basically ignored at home.

@Fishfingersandwichplease

My friend's daughter used to do this - proper feral thing she is so l used to hold her wrist just before she did it with a firm "no" which is exactly what l would have do e with my daughter. Unfortunately her parents both thought she was cute when she used to run around restaurants etc. So l just see my friend without her now, much easier when they are at school. Horrible situation though

That's what I would do also. Stop her hand before it reaches you. And if she hits your child, and nothing is done or said, I wouldn't let them meet again.

OP your friend sounds as slack as a.bag of spanners.Find friends you can grow with and who stimulate you and share your values. Sometimes you out grow people and thats ok....your friend sounds wet ,weak and ineffective in areas you hold vital..time to let go for yourown sanity!

@Porridgeoat

I would just leave. End the play date. Immediately. Tell your friend you’ve had enough of being hit.

Or have some fun. Show the girl a lolly and tell her that it was for her but now she’s hit you she can’t have it. Then happily eat the lolly yourself without hesitation

I really like this advice about lolly. That can be a VERY good example of how bad behavior ruins pleasure of getting some little gift.

If you continue to see your friend at this time, looks like you will have to educated her child, unfortunately. “It isn’t nice to hit people, hitting people makes them sad and painful etc etc”. Perhaps that will shame your friend into action. If not at least the child will have a chance to learn social norms.

You do know that you are allowed to tell other people’s kids off for stuff like this, right? No way would put up with this (whether my friend likes it or not).

i would not be seeing that friend any more. Not doing anything is pathetic and dangerous. I have a friend I don't see anymore who lets her 7 year old son run riot and by that I mean swinging off peoples necks, hair, telling them they are stupid, digging fingers in their eyes.
My friend does nothing.
The kid swung off my hair once when I was babysitting and will never do it again I can tell you. he was shocked at the telling off he got from me as he never gets told off for anything ever.
Of course reported me to his mother the second she got back but I just said I will not allow your child to assault me and pull my hair out and neither should you.