I think my dd needs a specialist assessment or I am being ‘that’ mum?

[Zofloramummy]

My dd is 9 years old. She is a lovely, kind, artistic, musical child. She loves maths and science and finding out how things work. She has a close knit bunch of friends and an active imagination.

I’ve been worried about her reading and writing for a while and have discussed this with her teachers and they’ve always said she is within the parameters of ‘normal’.

However she has a reading age of 7, can’t tell the time on a clock face, can’t spell high frequency words, she writes letters and numbers backwards, is disorganised and a dreamer. She struggles to get to sleep at night. She still wets the bed regularly. She can’t tie shoelaces. She has a very restricted diet and won’t try new foods. However she can become quite involved in intricate activities (art and crafts) and can problem solve really well.

She doesn’t like routine changes and likes to plan everything and have a schedule! As soon as she gets home she takes off all her clothes.

I suspect she may have dyslexia and possibly adhd. I’ve asked the school for an assessment. Am I being the over anxious single parent or am I right to be concerned that she is struggling without the correct support?

She has been selected for the last 3 years to go into small groups for additional teaching support with basic skills, but the school don’t seem at all concerned that there maybe an underlying issue.

Anyone in a similar position?

Agree with emerald shamrock.
Need a proper assessment covering all bases by a trained professional.
Not just randomly trying an adhd hotline and some visual overlays.

I’m awake still and am for some reason feeling guilty about speaking to the school. My dd is a lovely person and I weirdly feel like I’ve betrayed her by talking about the other issues I have at home, like the clothes, food and general disorganisation. It isn’t that ‘bad’ I’m second guessing myself. Argh!!!

A few things you mentioned are similar to my two DDs. One ASD and ADHD, the other dyslexia and possibly dyspraxia and/or ADD, there’s a lot of overlap in symptoms. It’s not easy to get an assessment and takes time. Privately they cost £500-1000 but dyslexia etc is diagnosed by a different specialist to ADHD and ASD, which are two separate assessments. So no one individual professional will definitively diagnose or discount all the possibilities.

My ASD DD aged 10 has always been happy at school but is now starting to see a difference between herself and friends, they are more mature and she can be annoying when she doesn’t understand boundaries and social rules. It’s sad and she hasn’t had any help for this due to a lack of diagnosis. Almost every camhs visit I mentioned this worry about the future.

No you're not being that parent, you've got legitimate concerns.
Please do push for an assessment, it can take ages for these things so do your own research and start trying to implement strategies yourself.
You know your DD best, listen to your instincts and take action. I agree it sounds like she's masking.

My dd is a lovely person and I weirdly feel like I’ve betrayed her by talking about the other issues
This is completely normal. My DD won kindest DC in the classroom 2 years in a row. At home she was like a possessed demon doing homework and over minor issues throughout her name I had to record her her teacher was floored.
She'd been assessed at this point he teacher's were wondering about her homework and sick days she'd stay awake all night with anxiety.
I'd like to say it gets easier listen to your gut.

Her day not name.

Sound normal to me. She just need a bit practice. And she could be a bit stress because of coronavirus

Just to let you know, I have an 8 years old. Still struggle to read the clock and have wet the bed as well.

I blame the internet because we rarely use the clock anymore

blueberry I think the clock reading is part of an overall picture. My 16yo struggles to read a clock or 'understand' phrases like 'a quarter to'. We have proper clocks everywhere.

If you have an 8yo and have put limited effort into clock reading, then it is 'normal' they can't read one.
However if you have an 8+ year old and have put in time and effort into clock reading, have plenty of clocks around the house etc, and they still can't do it, then it is a signal of a potential problem.

@TeenPlusTwenties exactly, I’ve been encouraging clock reading for literally years! From Peppa Pig interactive books, books with moveable clock hands, a wrist watch, minnions clock in her room, wipeable worksheets. She still can only identify on the hour and half past. Also concept of time in regards to 5, 10, 15 mins gets very upset as she skips forward an hour because the hour hand has moved slightly.

Also the bed wetting is several times a week. Interestingly it improved over lock down but last night I was stripping sheets at 3am. She woke up and said “I hate myself”.

It’s very upsetting. Mine said that too. (Not any more though since we all have more insight now into how she feels and why). Which is why an assessment would help.
Someone above said to start with Ed psych and OT. I agree as both deal with all types of educational neurodiversity so will get the ball rolling for you.
Seriously you can’t leave it to the school/LEA. Due to funding and staff shortages they will likely do nothing unless she is very severely impaired. Or there will be a very long waiting list.

I’m a single mum on benefits so I’ve calculated that it’ll take me a year to raise £1000 for assessments. In the mean time I’ll keep pushing for school to move forward with this. I do however know how slow the system is. She is in the same class as a child who had massive meltdowns, threw staplers, chairs and tables and it still took 3 years for an EHCP.

As a caveat before anyone makes comment, I also work full time, am in a mortgaged property and I’m limited in what I can do to increase my earnings until she is older and more independent.

You're following your instincts after years of knowing your daughter and feeling there is some sort of ... something.

That's being responsible. Your daughter is struggling and you're doing the best you can to help her. A bit of intervention now might make a world of difference to her in the long term. It might be brief; it might be middle-term, it might be long term. But you clearly have the instinct that -something- is needed. Follow it.

It’s so difficult! And so expensive. My sincere sympathies.
The assessments would be spaced out over a year or so, so no rush.
Try to get some good recommendations. Talk to other parents in your area in the same boat.
Meanwhile here are some basic questions an assessor might ask (to get you thinking):
Can she hear properly? Does she ask you to repeat things a lot? Is her speech hesitant or fluent? Does she have trouble telling a story or have ideas in her head which she can’t properly express? (Language processing disorder)
Can she see properly? Does reading give her a headache? Do the words jump about on the page? (Visual processing disorder)
Is she very fidgety? Can she focus on things she enjoys? (ADHD)
Do her emotions seem regulated/rational? Can she relate well to her peers? (ASD)
Is she clumsy? Difficulty with coordination/handwriting/buttons? (Dyspraxia)
All of the above can lead to dyslexia (which means difficulty with reading). But the management will be different. There can be overlap between them.
Ask yourself (and your DD) the above questions to see if there’s any pattern. Then google, google, google.
Here are some ways to help, regardless of cause.

1. Read, read, read to her. This will take the misery out of books for her and make them enjoyable again. Read her books her friends read so that she doesn’t feel left out. It will improve her vocabulary. Try “paired reading” (google it)
2. Reassure her that you know she is struggling and it is not her fault. She is NOT stupid. You are going to find a way to help her.
3. She has probably fallen behind with reading - this in turn makes her fall behind even more (vicious cycle). Everything in the world is done through reading, sadly for her. So it will affect her learning of maths, history etc etc etc. You can start an intensive reading course at home, starting again from the very beginning to fill in the many gaps she will have built up. We used Toe by Toe which is a book you buy for about £20. You do the course at home with her. 15 mins a day approx for about 1 year. The instructions are very clear. Look at the reviews on Amazon. There are other similar books but Toe by Toe is what our Ed Psych recommended and it did help us.
4. Find something she is good at and enjoys. Art? Music? Sport? You mentioned maths and building things. Try to push her gently in something she is good at so that she ends up doing it to quite a high level compared to her peers. Get some lessons in it or join a club that does it (as a birthday or Christmas gift maybe). Self esteem is SOOO important for children like this.

I wish you and your DD all the best!

As I said before - you do need to start the ball rolling on requesting a EHCP - it may take years, which is why you need to start now.

I would also look around for SN/SEN self help groups in you area. Usually you don't need a diagnosis, and you can find a wealth of local information. Including who at the CAB to ask for help filling in forms etc.
And if you can get her to meet other children who "struggle" but look pretty normal that can help too. The best thing my son got out of some courses for Dyslexic children I got him on - was that the other kids were "normal".

I could have written your post, my 9 year old dd is exactly the same, even the bed wetting. We had the basic dyslexia test in year 2 which came out clear, but we are waiting for the more reliable test to be done now that she’s in year 4 as her spelling is dreadful! Trying to teach her clocks during home schooling was like banging my head against a wall!

I’m also concerned about adhd. She has developed anxiety as well.

Never feel your “that parent” it’s only the parents that really are not that even think they are!! Trust your instincts and don’t feel
Bad fighting your daughters cause.