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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WTFlip - Is this scenario weird or am i weird for feeling weird??

49 replies

Wheelyyyy · 05/10/2020 18:04

Background: DP - shares custody 50/50 with exwife. Reasonable amicable. The shared custody also involves the childrens dog (very sweet dog).

Weve been together over a year, Im spending more time at his now when kids are there and its going well (I tend to stay 1 or 2 of the nights that they are there depending on how many days). Exwife is uncomfortable another woman being around her children and if I happen to bump into her (shes dropping something off (if im there she'll come round to drop things off 2 or 3 times and thats not a joke) she lets me know she's unhappy with me by gib=ving me dirty looks and all that. Makes no difference to me - what went down with the two of them happened well before I came on the scene. I always try to say hi and make basic chit chat.

So this weekend we had her round 3 times. I was baking with the kids and Im not sure if one of the kids had told her but she rang DP up and said she was missing them and wanted to take them for tea. Nothing wrong in that but it makes it difficult to get to know them better. I had a bit of a melt down with DP saying it was a bit too much (my two sons are both at uni).

So this morning Im going out the door with my two dogs and DP puts the kids dog in the kitchen. I felt bad for dog and rightly or wrongly offered to take dog with my two for a walk and home as Im home all day today. DP said dog would be fine and that he would be dropping it off to the exwife later on. Fair enough.

So he's just come to mine. Ive asked if dog was ok today and DP came out with 'Exwife should have picked dog up by now'. Apparently she goes to his and picks dog up on her way home.

Now I know this is a logical practical thing to do. However I feel very weird and uncomfortable about it.

Me and DP have talked about maybe looking to live together next year. I can honestly say that the exwife will not be coming into my home collecting dog or not and I think it would be a deal breaker - it would be a step too far for me.

AIBU to feel weird about her doing this or this seem perfectly reasonable and I need to just get my head round it?????

Be kind please

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 05/10/2020 18:12

Surely DP takes dog & children back at same time? Is she wanting an excuse to snoop or is there separate arrangement for the dog?! The coming round while they're there 2 or 3 times, couldn't you do ad hoc stuff so she turns up & youre not there? That would annoy me. It might stop her if she has wasted trips.

LunaLula83 · 05/10/2020 18:22

Weird. Dump and run

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2020 18:27

So this weekend we had her round 3 times.

I'm sorry, but this is fucking ridiculous and makes me seriously question your partner's grasp on appropriate boundaries. His ex is much, much too enmeshed and intrusive. Red flags all over the place.

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 05/10/2020 18:28

CSI with the kids not being at school since march...i never knew this was the arrsngement...i didnt stay over on school mornings. It never entered my head to ask about dog pick ups and drop offs.

Its only now that kids are back at school that its come to light for me. Basically kids have gone to school this morning and exwife would pick them up and on way home pick dog up too.

So i guess the kids will be with her when she does it but it almost feels like theres no space for me (or any girlfriend) in this set up. Its like shes cockblocking.

I take note of the doing adhoc things.. good idea :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 05/10/2020 18:37

luna and aqua....my insides are alarming.
I agree about the boundaries. When ive raised the boundary thing his response is that he is going through the divorce and trying to keep things as amicable as possible.

I want to raise this with him....whilst keeping the lid on the feelings it brings up.

Im not ready to run yet...saying that ive brought my things that were there back

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 05/10/2020 18:40

I'd run. And never look back.

Gazelda · 05/10/2020 18:40

I wouldn't feel comfortable staying at a Bf's house knowing that his ex also has access to it. I presume she has keys?
She's pissing her territory,
Maybe suggest he gets the divorce sorted and some boundaries in place before you feel able to relax and feel 'at home' enough to leave your toothbrush and spare knickers.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2020 18:44

If he can't get a handle on these boundary issues there is no way you can live together. Her flouncing in and out of your home can absolutely not happen.

Laiste · 05/10/2020 18:57

YANBU

''his response is that he is going through the divorce and trying to keep things as amicable as possible.''

What's the expected end date for the divorce? I know they can drag on but if things are 'amicable' then it shouldn't take too long ...

If you were my mate i'd be advising you to let him know how you feel, and that you understand about wanting to get the divorce over with without making waves, but once it's done with you want proper and perfectly reasonable boundaries in place.

Laiste · 05/10/2020 18:59

With regards to living together is the plan for you both to get a new place together? Start afresh? Might be a good idea.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 19:16

What's the rush? You've not been together long. Why do you have to be there when his kids are there? If it's 50/50 custody then that's loads of time to see each other.

Why not move in together after his divorce? This is an awful time for them all, him included. Let him spend time with his kids. They don't want to see you, they want to see him. Why make them share him with you when everything's so raw and unsettling?

In short. Back off. Think about those poor kids instead of yourself and let them adjust.

If this relationship is meant to be then it will happen in good time.

ComicePear · 05/10/2020 19:27

I can see how this seemed like a sensible practical arrangement when DP and his ex were discussing drop off / pick up arrangements - otherwise there would need to be a separate journey to pick up the dog.

I can also see why you would find it too weird if you and DP were living together and ex was letting herself into your home when you weren't there - I agree with you that's not an option.

So I guess I'm saying I don't think this needs to be sorted out right now, but yes he needs to put a stop to it before you move in together.

Dogssox · 05/10/2020 19:30

I have just come to comment that I read the title as "what the fuck lip" and it took me a couple of seconds to realise that is not what is says lol

Leaannb · 05/10/2020 19:34

Run

Tistheseason17 · 05/10/2020 19:38

If your DP cannot see that his Ex's behaviour is controlling then you have a DP problem.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 19:47

It's more than his ex being controlling. He is also prioritising a new girlfriend above his children. Or I should say prioritising his need for sex over their need for him. Divorce is devastating for children. Don't be a part of this. If he won't do the right thing then you need to. Why would you want to be with such a selfish man?

Squiffany · 05/10/2020 19:48

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

What's the rush? You've not been together long. Why do you have to be there when his kids are there? If it's 50/50 custody then that's loads of time to see each other.

Why not move in together after his divorce? This is an awful time for them all, him included. Let him spend time with his kids. They don't want to see you, they want to see him. Why make them share him with you when everything's so raw and unsettling?

In short. Back off. Think about those poor kids instead of yourself and let them adjust.

If this relationship is meant to be then it will happen in good time.

Wow! What a horrible response.
SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 19:54

@Squiffany an honest response. They're going through a divorce. A divorce in the middle of a pandemic. Poor kids. Why parents prioritise their sex life over their children baffles me. That's the definition of "horrible".

Tattoocrazymum · 05/10/2020 19:55

@SleepOhHowIMissYou
Someones touched a nerve with you.
Could you be the ex wife?

DorisDaisyMay · 05/10/2020 19:59

I guess I don’t have the same extreme reaction of - run! They were married, they have kids together, they are probably very comfortable with it. It probably hasn’t crossed anyone’s minds. The issue is only an issue because you have come on the scene. And when you live together I do think everything you have said stands. I think you should start not by running but by having a conversation about it. Because his response, as to if he gets it to why there needs to be more distance between himself and his ex-wife will tell you everything you need to know. About his commitment to you and his feelings for her.

Should he side with you then there may be some fall out because it sounds like the ex-wife does not want to let go.

Curiosity101 · 05/10/2020 19:59

YANBU at all, but... your DP may not be being unreasonable either.

If you can sit down and have a calm conversation about what your expectations are after the divorce is finalised then see if he agrees with you. If he does then potentially he's playing it smart, she might be the type of person to make things very difficult if he doesn't do what he's doing.

I'd also have a think about how long you're willing to put up with this for though and see when he expects the divorce to be finalised. Hopefully, those two dates match up.

Keep a check on dates and if there hasn't been enough progress by whatever date seems reasonable to you then, unfortunately, you might have to cut your losses.

Equally, if he says all the right things now but continues to let his ex behave like this after the divorce then you'll also probably have to cut your losses.

Good luck.

Pogmella · 05/10/2020 19:59

I initially started sharing pet custody when I divorced but it did end. Exh was not happy. The reasons it did not work:

  • Him occasionally needing to access my home- big issue with school as couldn’t combine pick up any more
  • Blurred boundaries over who cares for pet during holidays
  • DH’s kids (and DH) falling in love with said pet, regarding it as ‘their’ pet as much as my kids do.
Laiste · 05/10/2020 20:00

We don't know how long he and his wife have been split up though. It could be ages.

I was separated from my XH for 3 years before we finally got divorced.

Why are you ''putting your sex lives before your children'' if you haven;t got a piece of paper saying you're divorced ? Confused

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 20:02

@Tattoocrazymum almost. I was the child. I am now no contact. I am more important than someone's need for sex. Take heed.

napody · 05/10/2020 20:07

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

What's the rush? You've not been together long. Why do you have to be there when his kids are there? If it's 50/50 custody then that's loads of time to see each other.

Why not move in together after his divorce? This is an awful time for them all, him included. Let him spend time with his kids. They don't want to see you, they want to see him. Why make them share him with you when everything's so raw and unsettling?

In short. Back off. Think about those poor kids instead of yourself and let them adjust.

If this relationship is meant to be then it will happen in good time.

Agree.

Him saying he wants to keep things amicable while the divorce goes through to me sounds as if things will settle and evolve over the next year.

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