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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WTFlip - Is this scenario weird or am i weird for feeling weird??

49 replies

Wheelyyyy · 05/10/2020 18:04

Background: DP - shares custody 50/50 with exwife. Reasonable amicable. The shared custody also involves the childrens dog (very sweet dog).

Weve been together over a year, Im spending more time at his now when kids are there and its going well (I tend to stay 1 or 2 of the nights that they are there depending on how many days). Exwife is uncomfortable another woman being around her children and if I happen to bump into her (shes dropping something off (if im there she'll come round to drop things off 2 or 3 times and thats not a joke) she lets me know she's unhappy with me by gib=ving me dirty looks and all that. Makes no difference to me - what went down with the two of them happened well before I came on the scene. I always try to say hi and make basic chit chat.

So this weekend we had her round 3 times. I was baking with the kids and Im not sure if one of the kids had told her but she rang DP up and said she was missing them and wanted to take them for tea. Nothing wrong in that but it makes it difficult to get to know them better. I had a bit of a melt down with DP saying it was a bit too much (my two sons are both at uni).

So this morning Im going out the door with my two dogs and DP puts the kids dog in the kitchen. I felt bad for dog and rightly or wrongly offered to take dog with my two for a walk and home as Im home all day today. DP said dog would be fine and that he would be dropping it off to the exwife later on. Fair enough.

So he's just come to mine. Ive asked if dog was ok today and DP came out with 'Exwife should have picked dog up by now'. Apparently she goes to his and picks dog up on her way home.

Now I know this is a logical practical thing to do. However I feel very weird and uncomfortable about it.

Me and DP have talked about maybe looking to live together next year. I can honestly say that the exwife will not be coming into my home collecting dog or not and I think it would be a deal breaker - it would be a step too far for me.

AIBU to feel weird about her doing this or this seem perfectly reasonable and I need to just get my head round it?????

Be kind please

OP posts:

Notverybright · 05/10/2020 20:12

“We’ve been together over a year,”

Did you miss this part @SleepOhHowIMissYou

Toilenstripes · 05/10/2020 20:26

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

What's the rush? You've not been together long. Why do you have to be there when his kids are there? If it's 50/50 custody then that's loads of time to see each other.

Why not move in together after his divorce? This is an awful time for them all, him included. Let him spend time with his kids. They don't want to see you, they want to see him. Why make them share him with you when everything's so raw and unsettling?

In short. Back off. Think about those poor kids instead of yourself and let them adjust.

If this relationship is meant to be then it will happen in good time.

I agree with this. Those children are going through an enormous adjustment with their parents divorcing and with the pandemic, and their mother is feeling very protective of them as she should. Maybe you should take your cues from her behaviour.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 20:33

@Notverybright over a YEAR! Wow that changes everything. Is a year a long time in your Universe Notverybright?

HannaYeah · 05/10/2020 20:37

When I met my DH he and his ex had a similar arrangement with respect to picking up his son and dog. I appreciated how amicable things were between them. He would go in and get his son’s suitcase and the dog even if she wasn’t home. Just in the door. She did the same when picking up their son.

She decided abruptly after we started dating that she didn’t want him in the house. However, she kept going in his and even taking stuff out without asking!

It makes me sad when I think about his son having to deal with all of this. Living like that is bad enough without the parents acting like they are at war. I wish things had stayed the way they were and they’d put him first.

If I were the parent in this situation and my new partner started making complaints I’d get rid of them.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 20:40

@Laiste it is about him having 50% custody and rather than spending this time with his kids he brings in someone that he's been seeing for less than two years. His kids don't need or want that. They need him. They need to know they are important and loved and that they have his attention and time. He has the other 50% of his time to do as he pleases but he chooses to encroach on his kid's time instead.

Notverybright · 05/10/2020 20:44

She’s only just started being at the house with the kids. *SleepOhHowIMissYou

Honestly, I mean this sincerely with no snark, this (pretty innocuous) thread seems to be really upsetting you maybe you should back away from it?

LoveEatYoga · 05/10/2020 20:44

It is weird OP so you need to discuss with DP but I expect things would naturally be different if you live together and get a new place

Did she live there? If so she will feel familiar with it but it will be difficult to stop that unless you get a new house with him

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 05/10/2020 20:46

I was also that child and completely agree with SleepOhHowIMissYou

It was probably worse in my case though as I haven’t been able to have a conversation with df since I was 4 without stepmum there (who hated us). That’s 40 years. Totally given up now

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 05/10/2020 20:49

I think we’ll see a much more tactful and child centred attitude to new partners over the years, as more of those ex-children speak out

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 20:56

@Notverybright pathetic attempt at gaslighting. Did you pick your own name?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 21:33

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes it was when my children were treated with the same disregard that did it for me. I could accept that I was hard to love and not worthy of my father's notice but when history repeated the penny finally dropped and I haven't looked back. Best thing I ever did was go no contact. Did wonders for my self esteem.

Notverybright · 05/10/2020 21:39

You have no idea what the situation is here at all. SleepOhHowIMissYou

The kids could’ve begged to meet their dad’s girlfriend. The op and her dp could be saving themselves for marriage or asexual.

She making the effort to do nice things like baking with them, so they clearly aren’t being ignored.

From what the op has said on this thread it appears to me that she and her dp are being sensible and taking things relatively slowly.

I’m sorry you had a bad childhood, but you seem to be projecting a lot.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/10/2020 21:55

@Notverybright the OP is quite comprehensive actually.

Perhaps you've something to project yourself? As someone who thinks " over a year " is a long time to be in a relationship, perhaps you would benefit from some self reflection?

Notverybright · 05/10/2020 22:12

Not really no, I never said it was a long time to be in a relationship, I said it’s a good amount time before being at the house with the kids.

As my parents are still together and I’m still with my kid’s father I acknowledge that I don’t have any direct experience of this type of thing.

I don’t want to derail the op’s thread any further. Sorry op and Sleep

PinkAndFabulous · 05/10/2020 22:21

I met my partner when he was separated from his wife and tney had not been separated long at all, mere months.
I am sure people had 'red flag' signs up but nearly 2 years on and we could not be happier. His kids and I adore each other and it all just 'works'. I say this even after spending lockdown with the lot of them.
In short, OP 's relationship is not doomed to fail and I am sure the kids are fine.

Freddiefox · 05/10/2020 22:25

@Tistheseason17

If your DP cannot see that his Ex's behaviour is controlling then you have a DP problem.

If the dp is ok with it why it is him that’s controlling. Surely if it’s the op that wants things to change she is the controlling one.

NiceandCalm · 05/10/2020 23:51

The question was whether the OP was right to feel weird about the ex's behaviour.
Yes you are right OP - YANBU.
It doesn't sound normal at all, randomly dropping stuff off 2/3 times each time he has the kids. Also, why drop the dog off if the kids are at school?
I wouldn't make any plans to move in with him in the current circumstances and firmer boundaries would be needed if you ever did. Also, the divorce might not actually alter her behaviour, are you prepared to put up with this long term?

Original poster

Wheelyyyy · 06/10/2020 09:57

Thanks for replies.

Im a little taken a back by one or two.

To be clear the parents have not been together for 3 years. Everything re divorce has been settled a while ago. The divorce itself is the paperwork side only. The kids have already adjusted to their parents split.

Exwife has a partner of 2 years and lives with new her DP and children.

If Dp has the kids on a 3 day week, im there one night. If he has them on a 4 day week weve increased my time to two nights. DP doesnt prioritise sex over his children.

Moving in together would be buying a place together and would be in a year or so providing his children and my grown children were all comfortable with it

Ill catch up with the rest of the responses.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wheelyyyy · 06/10/2020 10:11

Ive caught up...

sleep i can see you feel strongly and i understand youve had a bad experience. Your not alone in your views.

OP posts:

napody · 06/10/2020 20:53

@Wheelyyyy

luna and aqua....my insides are alarming. I agree about the boundaries. When ive raised the boundary thing his response is that he is going through the divorce and trying to keep things as amicable as possible.

I want to raise this with him....whilst keeping the lid on the feelings it brings up.

Im not ready to run yet...saying that ive brought my things that were there back

You said previously that he is 'going through the divorce' which is probably why some of the responses have referred to him going through the divorce. If it's all settled, do you know how much longer it will take? You have raised it with him and once it goes through he might feel 'closure' and be able to take your views on board much. The final steps of the divorce might not be significant to you, but they may be to him. And yes, even with your supplementary information/drip feed I do think you are rushing things, but I do also think all the drop offs are a bit weird and yes he should put more boundaries in place fairly soon. Surely when the divorce is finalised she wont still have a key?

paintmywholehousepink · 06/10/2020 21:06

Agree with @SleepOhHowIMissYou I'm afraid. Leave him to spend time with his kids & see him the rest of the week 🤷🏻‍♀️

JKRforPM · 06/10/2020 21:08

This is tricky OP because I don’t think any of you are being unreasonable- the situation is what it is. It’s fantastic your DP and his ex are amicable - it makes life much easier and better for the children, and you do need to accept that this woman will always be a part of your DPs life as she will always be the mother of his children.
However- you are entitled to a happy and settled relationship with your DP, if you and DP move in together I would be wary of banning her from coming in the house -because your house will also be home to your DPs children and you don’t want them to feel torn between you two. But as it’s also your home and you have a right to privacy then it’s perfectly acceptable for you to not let her have a key.

SeasonFinale · 06/10/2020 21:14

But I don't see it as DP and his ex are amicable. I see it as Ex is controlling DP and he does what she wants for an easy life and to get the divorce through. Actually it is now time for DP to set some boundaries or at the very least if you do move in together please both sell up and buy or rent a new place that is yours and then it becomes easier to not let her just let herself in when she fancies to collect the dog.

VenusTiger · 06/10/2020 21:21

I hope the children don't pick up on your feeling "weird" about their mom picking their dog up on the way home from school - it's not your house OP, it's his house and the childrens' home - wait till you've got your own place with him, then of course she can't have a key.

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