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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to laugh with my daughter at some of her tics?

56 replies

Springersrock · 05/10/2020 13:53

My 16 year old daughter has always suffered with tics, in the past they have been fairly simple, non-obtrusive tics such as blinking or flicking her fingers, but over lockdown they developed into extremely frequent complex movement and verbal tics.

She also has crippling social anxiety.

It was horrible, but she’s coping with it all brilliantly. It’s not easy for her and she does have an awful time with some of the tics, but some of them are funny and together we have a good a laugh at some of the tics she has.

For example, she was trying to make her boyfriend a birthday cake last week, she picked up the first egg and slammed it straight down on the kitchen worktop. She couldn’t for the life of her pour flour into the scales. I had to help her before we ended up with a kitchen covered in egg and flour. It was funny and we both laughed and had a really fun afternoon.

We were out at the weekend with some friends. DD was trying to give me a bottle, but her tics meant she kept snatching it away. I ended up having to catch her hand and take it from her. We were both laughing.

Friend was appalled - how could I possibly laugh at DD? I was out of order, I was being disablist and taking the piss out of a disabled child.

DD and I have a good relationship, some of her tics are funny and we both laugh at them. I take her lead. I’m there for her when she’s having a bad day with her tics, and I’d never laugh if she was upset by one. Some of her tics are bloody awful and quite painful - she’s punched her chest so much it’s purple, she’s pinched her thigh red raw. It is really shit for her but if we can get through it by having a laugh, then I think that’s a good thing.

I doubt myself now. It’s fairly new territory for us all and we’re trying to look on the bright side of it. I just want her to be happy and comfortable and be able to cope with it however she sees fit.

OP posts:

GAW19 · 05/10/2020 13:57

Honestly OP, you sound amazing!
If you was panicking and looking embarrassed every time she had a tic then that wouldn't help your DD at all.
I think it's great you can both have a giggle, obviously there are times that need to be serious but it sounds like you know when them times are.
Don't let the friend get you down.
You carry on making your DD happy

pearpickingporky84 · 05/10/2020 13:57

Of course YANBU, you are laughing with your daughter, not at her. It sounds as if you are both managing it brilliantly!

AnneTwackie · 05/10/2020 13:58

You sound like a great mum, I think we should all be able to laugh at ourselves a bit more

Soubriquet · 05/10/2020 13:59

You was laughing with her not at her and that is what makes the difference

You’re a good mum

Figgygal · 05/10/2020 13:59

Your friend should butt out and not judge the dynamic you share with YOUR daughter

MsEllany · 05/10/2020 14:00

There’s a difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone - your friend should learn this.

bellinisurge · 05/10/2020 14:01

Have an old family friend with similar. It's (in their case) a version of Tourette's. Nice that you have a positive approach but please get a neurology referral.

Wolfiefan · 05/10/2020 14:01

I agree you’re laughing WITH her not at her tics. Sounds like you’re offering her a way through this. It’s hard for her but some of it can make her laugh.

Asterion · 05/10/2020 14:02

I don't think YABU, but what treatment is she getting for this?

funinthesun19 · 05/10/2020 14:02

I don’t think you’re are unreasonable but I know many will.

My ds has Autism, and I often laugh at the things he says and does. Obviously there is a sad and difficult side to it, and I worry about how his disability will affect him in the future. But he’s so funny with the stuff he comes out with. Very dry sense of humour and to the point.

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 05/10/2020 14:02

Oh bless you. I think it's very good for your daughter to laugh at herself in a supported way by you. She's with someone who loves her and you know you laugh too it if it upset her or if she wasn't laughing too.
I have one DD who absolutely can't be laughed at but another who absolutely laughs her head off at her own mistakes including things like mistakes in ballet or whatever.

Laughing is great therapy

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 05/10/2020 14:03

I mean WOULDNT laugh too

DueNumberTwo · 05/10/2020 14:03

Your friend should butt out and not judge the dynamic you share with YOUR daughter

This

unmarkedbythat · 05/10/2020 14:03

It's your friend's problem if she doesn't understand the difference between "laughing at" and "laughing with", not yours.

fairlygoodmother · 05/10/2020 14:04

My 16 year old has developed tics recently too. I also laugh at some of them with her. I think it’s just important to follow her lead - so if she seems amused by a tic at the time I laugh along with her, if she is frustrated by it I either ignore or sympathize.

I think it’s important not to make it seem like something to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

Angel2702 · 05/10/2020 14:04

Definitely fine if she is fine with it and you are laughing with her. My son has Tourette’s and sometimes he’s fine if we laugh along but we back off if he’s finding things difficult.

AdoraBell · 05/10/2020 14:05

As she is laughing then YANBU.

If you laughed at the tics that don’t cause her to laugh then YWBU.

You sound a really good parent. Ignore your friend and carry on supporting your DD, which includes laughter when she laughs.

On another note is she getting any help? My DD started therapy recently and has been diagnosed with OCD. She had been building up rituals rather than the things you described of your DD.

borntohula · 05/10/2020 14:05

Yanbu, my DS is autistic and some of the stuff he does when in a playful mood is hilarious. I would never laugh at him if he was in distress but for ffs, it doesn't all have to be negative and serious.

N0tfinished · 05/10/2020 14:06

God we do the same with some of my sons stims . He went through a phase of clucking at us like you would to a horse, we thought it was adorable & hilarious. What you're describing is done with love and the intention is to make your daughter feel better and less awkward. Can you imagine if she slammed the egg down & you winced at her or did a sympathetic head tilt? She'd feel awful. Your friend doesn't know what she's talking about.

DueNumberTwo · 05/10/2020 14:06

It probably makes your daughter feel less embarrassed and self conscious if she can share a laugh with her mum.

I have arthritis in my ankle which can really make me hobble around first thing in the morning, especially when it's cold. I'm only in my 30s so it's pretty shit but DH and I have a laugh about it calling it my wooden leg etc. When I had a load of metal work in it was my bionic leg. Some mornings I've shouted to him that I'm a pirate this morning and could he bring tea to me in bed.

A bit of a laugh with a loved one is not disablist aw long as they're leading it and laughing too.

Houseplanted · 05/10/2020 14:07

If you are laughing together and your DD is comfortable with it then I don’t see an issue as long as your DD is also getting the support to deal with the difficulties her tics cause.

Marisishidinginmyattic · 05/10/2020 14:09

It sounds like you have a good relationship. I'd just be wary of dd feeling obligated to laugh and poke fun at herself just because it's what you've done so far. When I was diagnosed with a mental health condition, I dealt with it by joking about it and laughing at myself. My family laughed with me and we'd joke about it etc. Eventually I was hit with massive grief and sadness about the condition and it's difficult for my family to get that actually it's not something I want to laugh about anymore. Even now, years down the line, they'll make an occasional joke about it despite me never joking about it anymore and repeatedly making it clear that I don't like it.

As long as you don't act like my family, and also keep a watchful eye out for dd not laughing about it as genuinely as she once did, I think you're all good :)

Dontstepinthecowpat · 05/10/2020 14:10

YANBU my DD is 8 and she has lots of tics/speech problems and you have to see the bright side. Was a bit shocked on Saturday while we were baking and she told me she wanted to be a racist when she grows up. Eventually worked out she was saying waitress. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and I’m sure you support her when things aren’t going as well.

Original poster

Springersrock · 05/10/2020 14:10

Thank you!

I felt terrible last night. I’m just trying to get her through an awful time

DD has seen a paediatrician and a neurologist and has been assessed.

She’s always had the simple, mild tics which the paediatrician wasn’t concerned about. It developed very suddenly into complex, frequent tics which they were concerned about so she’s had a rush referral with a neurologist and an MRI. Everything was clear. During lockdown she struggled massively with her mental health so they think it’s related to her heightened anxiety. They don’t want to medicate her just yet. She’s having counselling with CAMHS for the social anxiety.

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 05/10/2020 14:12

Laugh away. As long as you are laughing with her not at her it's a great way to express that's it's just the way she is, it's fine. My dd and I laugh about her quirks, it lightens the mood and helps her realise it doesn't matter, she's amazing as she is

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