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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to laugh with my daughter at some of her tics?

56 replies

Springersrock · 05/10/2020 13:53

My 16 year old daughter has always suffered with tics, in the past they have been fairly simple, non-obtrusive tics such as blinking or flicking her fingers, but over lockdown they developed into extremely frequent complex movement and verbal tics.

She also has crippling social anxiety.

It was horrible, but she’s coping with it all brilliantly. It’s not easy for her and she does have an awful time with some of the tics, but some of them are funny and together we have a good a laugh at some of the tics she has.

For example, she was trying to make her boyfriend a birthday cake last week, she picked up the first egg and slammed it straight down on the kitchen worktop. She couldn’t for the life of her pour flour into the scales. I had to help her before we ended up with a kitchen covered in egg and flour. It was funny and we both laughed and had a really fun afternoon.

We were out at the weekend with some friends. DD was trying to give me a bottle, but her tics meant she kept snatching it away. I ended up having to catch her hand and take it from her. We were both laughing.

Friend was appalled - how could I possibly laugh at DD? I was out of order, I was being disablist and taking the piss out of a disabled child.

DD and I have a good relationship, some of her tics are funny and we both laugh at them. I take her lead. I’m there for her when she’s having a bad day with her tics, and I’d never laugh if she was upset by one. Some of her tics are bloody awful and quite painful - she’s punched her chest so much it’s purple, she’s pinched her thigh red raw. It is really shit for her but if we can get through it by having a laugh, then I think that’s a good thing.

I doubt myself now. It’s fairly new territory for us all and we’re trying to look on the bright side of it. I just want her to be happy and comfortable and be able to cope with it however she sees fit.

OP posts:

SweetPetrichor · 05/10/2020 14:13

I don’t see any harm in laughing with her. I get motion tics due to severe anxiety, and we (myself and partner) laugh about them and that makes it easier. It’s far different to laughing AT someone.

pinksparkleunicorns · 05/10/2020 14:15

Sounds like your friend has issues. It's a bit of an insult to your intelligence. Does she struggle to understand social norms? Does she have a SN journey of her own? Or is she jealous even?

Sounds like you and DD have a lovely relationship. It would be awful if DD chuckled at her self but then she turned round to see you were stern faced and didn't see the funny side. I think that would be very harmful for her.

Obviously if it's a painful tick and she was upset it would BU to laugh at her then, but that's obviously a very different situation, and you obviously already know that!

LilyLongJohn · 05/10/2020 14:15

You're laughing with her, not at her.... I bet your dd really appreciates having someone to see the funny side of things. You sound wonderful, Your friend sounds like a tit

pinksparkleunicorns · 05/10/2020 14:17

Ps you sound like a great mum and doing a great job. She's lucky to have you

daisydukes26 · 05/10/2020 14:17

You sound like an amazing, fun and kind mum. Your friend sounds like a judgemental dick.

As long as your daughter is laughing along, I think it's a great way to deal with it. ❤️

BogRollBOGOF · 05/10/2020 14:26

It's healthy to laugh with people. DS1 has ASD and dyspraxia and some humour along the way helps a lot with the frustrations of life. Dunno about DS2, but he's a character too. I won't pretend I've never got it wrong, but I'm willing to appologise, explain and have a good hug ready for them.

I grew up with a relative with severe learning disbilities. Loving and accepting humour is essential.

Boaby · 05/10/2020 14:28

YANBU - a friend of mine has Tourette’s & we often have a laugh at her tics. Especially when she accidentally farts and tries to cover it up by making other OTT fart noises 😂 Other times it’s not funny cos she’s hurt herself 🤷‍♀️ you know in the moment how to react.
You’re doing a great job there OP 👍

Fairybatman · 05/10/2020 14:32

The only person who should decide if it’s OK for you to laugh is your DD. She’s laughing along with you so it’s a pretty safe bet that she’s fine with it, but ask her to be sure.

Your friend doesn’t get to be offended on DDs behalf that’s taking away her agency and is ableist.

1forAll74 · 05/10/2020 14:34

You sound like the best of Mum's.Having a laugh together with your daughter is ace, and will inspire her with more confidence. There will always be some outsiders who will have a critical and humourless view of things that they don't understand.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/10/2020 14:37

You sound like a wonderful caring mother, and the bond you have with your dd should not be shaken by the ill advised comments of a friend.

Carry on helping your dd see past her tics, and gaining confidence, it must be so hard to be 16 with that condition.

Trisolaris · 05/10/2020 14:37

Same as everyone else I think YANBU.

I have a friend with Tourette’s and in her words ‘it’s just awkward if you don’t laugh’. Some of her tics hurt though and that’s not at all funny.

LadyCatStark · 05/10/2020 14:39

Laughing with her will release the tension and let her know that you’re not annoyed with her. Being serious all the time makes things more anxiety provoking and will only make things worse.

I used to work in a school and we had a student who had cerebral palsy. She was outraged when very small children made comments about her waking. We also had a TA who was in a wheelchair and he found children’s comments (again very innocent, not meant maliciously at all) hilarious and he was (well is) the most loved member of staff in the whole school. The ability to laugh in the face of adversity is really important to your mental health. I know it’s personal but I know which person I’d rather be!

Whoopsmahoot · 05/10/2020 14:40

You follow your daughters lead, if she’s happy with the way you are handling this then it is no ones else’s business. My son has a life long chronic illness and sometimes we laugh about inappropriate things to do with his condition. Thing is, like you, I can read him like a book and know when to joke and when not to. You’re doing fine.

lentilsforlunch · 05/10/2020 14:44

The only person who should decide if it’s OK for you to laugh is your DD. She’s laughing along with you so it’s a pretty safe bet that she’s fine with it, but ask her to be sure.

My daughter has tics and I agree with this 100%.

It occurs to me there's also perhaps a difference between laughing along in private vs public because of the message it gives to others about laughing being ok or not ok. It's all context dependent I think but the key is in listening to her.

You sound like a great mum. Your friend is well meaning though

user1471548941 · 05/10/2020 14:59

I have autism and stim and tick like you would not believe, particularly verbally. My husband finds it HILARIOUS and when I get stuck in a cycle of repeating words, he joins in and we both end up in stitches. The laughter can actually remove the tic or it sometimes just replays in over and over again.

However, he will also wrap me up and put me to bed when really distressed and deal with stuff that causes me stress- he knows where the line in. Our house is a happy one full of love and laughter and I thank my lucky stars for him everyday as I feel so loved and accepted.

WhoKnowsWhatsAroundTheCorner · 05/10/2020 15:18

I think you’re right on one respect, but also keep monitoring your own response.

Tics are very suggestible - you don’t want to somehow sustain them because your DD feels they make you laugh. Also is your DD definitely laughing inside? It’s distressing to not be able to control what you do or say - no matter how funny the action is objectively.

I wouldn’t be so quick to judge your friend - maybe she saw a flash of distress on your DD’s face that you didn’t

We’ve lived with Tourette’s for such a long time - you do have to be accepting and you do have to laugh - and you do have to understand the neuropathology behind the tics - that these are not voluntary actions and the person is not to blame. But it’s also not a truly funny condition- maybe a hug with the laughter is a good idea.

You do sound like you have the right attitude. Is there any hobby which will occupy her brain and gives her a rest from the tics? Some sufferers are very musical or creative.

Original poster

Springersrock · 05/10/2020 15:21

Thank you!

Some times she’s having a bad day and just wants a hug, sometimes they’re beyond frustrating and she needs help, sometimes they’re funny and we laugh at them. Sometimes the verbal tics are like her inner-bad-ass-self escaping and she even shocks herself.

Her school have been brilliant and she has a group of lovely, supportive friends and her boyfriend is great and we’re all just trying to work it out. I’m sure we’ll cock up sometimes, but at the moment we’re following her lead - I don’t want her to ever feel embarrassed or ashamed of them.

I do check in with her regularly.

I hadn’t really thought about laughing in public, maybe we shouldn’t if others can see us. But then DD is laughing at herself, does anyone really have the right to tell her she shouldn’t?

I might message my friend later. She upset me and I spent most of yesterday stewing about it. I think she had good intentions but she doesn’t get to tell DD how to deal with her own condition.

It’s just a bit shit really

OP posts:

TheMamaYo · 05/10/2020 15:51

Your friend can f off and then f off some more. It is often humour that gets us through painful times, and it is not for her to comment on you and your daughter's relationship.

You both sound bloody amazing. I hope all works out well for you.

MinnieJackson · 05/10/2020 15:56

My son has autism and tics and we both can't keep straight faces sometimes! If he's laughing at one that's funny I'll join in, I don't want him worrying about them! I get some mild tics due to anxiety, and one is that I have to drink with a straw if I'm in public because of such shaky hands, once I'd been trying and failing to pick up my glass of coke for about fifteen minutes, did a huge jerk and threw it all over myself. My mum calls them my 'gee up wheys'

Original poster

Springersrock · 05/10/2020 15:56

@WhoKnowsWhatsAroundTheCorner

Shes into horse riding and has her own pony. She finds being round her pony very calming - she was our saving grace during lockdown - at one point DD was headed for full on agoraphobia I think, being able to get up the yard and just chill with her pony was life saving for her

She still tics when she rides - if she’s hacking or schooling where it’s quite relaxed, she tics, if she’s jumping or cross country she’s much more focussed so doesn’t tic

OP posts:

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 05/10/2020 15:58

If your daughter (or you) has tiktok there is a young girl (18ish?) with Tourette's who discusses topics surrounding tics and her condition. She is really informative and open about the negatives of her condition but also how it's ok to laugh etc. Her name is thistrippyhippie if you're interested in watching some.

Original poster

Springersrock · 05/10/2020 16:00

@JoeCal

I’ll get DD to have a look on Tiktok - thank you!

OP posts:

AliciaMayEmory · 05/10/2020 16:04

You sound like an amazing Mum. I have mild tics now, but as a child I had one that was very noticeable. My parents used to time me to see how long I could go without ticcing. It was immensly stressful, but they thought they were helping me to stop and didn't realise that it was making it worse. The distress of having to supress the tic was awful. My DS now has a slight tic and it gets worse when he is anxious, so he must take after me in that respect.

I think that taking your DD's lead is the way to go. You sound very good at helping her when she is down about them and you both being able to laugh at the more funny tics shows what a good relationship you have.

londongirl12 · 05/10/2020 16:09

I think by laughing together it's kind of normalising it, which I think is a good thing. If it makes her feel supported than that's good.
Maybe ask her how she feels? Then that's all that matters?

WhoKnowsWhatsAroundTheCorner · 05/10/2020 16:25

So good that she has a hobby, it helps maintain their self esteem so much and that is so important. My child that has a hobby has coped so much better than the child that dropped everything because she couldn’t concentrate for the tics

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