Constant mind games arguments always turned round on me

[inspiration101]

Bit of a backstory for context.. we had been asked by a friend to do a surprise happy birthday recording for another friends upcoming birthday. We did it yesterday after I had woken up from a nap, when I looked at the recording I changed my mind and said I didn’t want that particular recoding with me in my pyjama bottoms & hair sticking out everywhere, I really am not a vain person I hardly ever wear make-up and would happily do the video looking casual . So a bit later we went to do the recording again At my request, but my partner started being silly with the kids asking my sons friend to join in the video I told him to stop being daft and he just lit on me in temper. He stood up and was roaring and shouting at me that I was fat really really fat and even more wrinkly now. I am between a size 8 and 10 and do have a bit of a jelly baby belly which I can hide quite well most of the time. He was shouting and roaring at me in front of the children being vile & nasty about me being old & fat. I’m 5 years older than him. I was actually too scared & embarrassed to argue back and I flinched when he raised his arm to me but he didn’t hit me. Tonight after the two of us have ignored each other since this happened last night he says it is me who causes it I cause the arguments and it’s not his fault. This is not the first time this has happened and every time we argue he gets very personal about my appearance.
He is a gym addict and classes himself as a very good looking and attractive man. Am I being unreasonable when I say he causes these arguments and no matter what’s upsetting hum ie me being short or grumpy with him, he shouldn’t get nasty and personal like that?

Ive told him to leave, he is refusing stating that if i spoke to him nicely this would not happen...all i have to do is 'speak nicely to him it isnt hard'

He went into an explosive mode because I said in a frustrated voice 'to stop messing around'

I don't think he'll leave because he is so full of himself he genuinely believes he's in the right. You'll have to leave him.

None of this blaming you, you're responsible for managing his moods, "look what you made me do" abusive shit. Don't fall for it. This relationship is abusive and they don't change except to get worse and start on the kids. Preparations to leave.

Could you ever imagine yourself attacking someone's appearance or calling them names like that ??
We all say things in temper and lose our cool but that is just horrible..its as low as you can get with words.
Its disgustingly cruel and will most definitely rip any self esteem you have to shreads,if it hasn't already.

There is no way he respects you or cares for you

He's picking on your looks specifically to hurt you and put you down as much as he can.

And to do it in front of his children...
He knows what hes doing. You could never make someone say those things no matter how frustrated you were with them. That's a choice he's making.
Jesus christ get away from him. No good can come of a person this cruel.

@ inspiration101

It is NOT your fault he screamed at you, threatened you, and abused you by calling you names.

He is an abusive bully who used his voice and body in a threatening way towards you in front of your children.

Is it your house, or his ?

If it's yours, then all you need to do is to call the police and ask them for help in getting him out of your house. He has no right to stay there against your wishes. (you'll also need to change the locks so he can't get back in when you're out too)

I'd also be making a call to the DV helpline to have his abuse documented and get more advice from them.

If the house is his, just pack up
passports
medication
any financial information
phone chargers
clothes for a week each

and move out to a friend/ relative until you can organize a place of your own.

Don't want to give you extra to worry about but...

Sounds like he screamed at you and called you all those horrible things in front of the visiting kid too?

If that kid goes home and tells his parents what happened...

They may very well call social services op.

So the sooner you get yourself and kids away from him the better. So that if there is any such involvement you can say 'I recognised it was abuse and left'.

I would hope that if it were me then I would reach out to you first if my kid told me what had happened and ask if you were ok rather than straight off reporting but... a child seeing his mother being spoken to like that is child abuse. Do they wouldnt be in the wrong for reporting it.

Speak with womens aid if you can, they might help with your next steps. But either he needs to go or you do.

Dont get caught up in the cycle of 'who's to blame' convo. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. And quite frankly, dangerous. The only conversation you need to have is 'its over'. And tbh, id have that after you get away (as his kind can become dangerous if they know you are leaving) via text. And have everything else discussed through a solicitor.

Sorry I think you need to leave. To be scared of him in any sense just isnt right.

You are with a narcissist... No good can come of this unfortunately.. LTB

Vain and violent.

Your poor children being reared in such a toxic environment.

They will bear the scars forever if you do not take action.

He is extremely abusive and threatening.

Please seek support IRL.

Contact Women's Aid.

You have asked a violent, abusive man to leave.
Seek support in getting him out.

You poor woman.
Please do this for your children and yourself.

So you have to speak nicely to him but he can abuse you however he likes and in front of the kids too?

Come on, you know the answer. Either you put up with this and have your kids model it in later life, or you get rid of the abusive twat and he can go find someone else who will put up with his crap. It's A or B, no two ways about this one.

So sorry you are going through this

You have to leave you know that. It will be hard but it will be for the best.

You need to get away. He sees no issue with himself so it won't improve. He is what's termed a domestic terrorist. You are effectively living with your own private Taliban. When you flinched in fear of his upraised arm, that was assault. He doesn't have to touch you for it to be assault, just put you in fear of being struck, which you were.

Please start making plans to get out, and also get hold of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a scarily brilliant book that will open your eyes and make you suspect the writer has cameras in your house. Abusers have methods and Bancroft knows them all, having worked 15 years trying to reform abusive men before writing the book.

He is still seeing no issue in his behaviour - feels it was fully justified. Im taking steps now to get him to leave the house... permanently. Although he does not want to go he thinks we can both live here but separately.

Thank you for all the responses, you are all right and i know this it just helps to know that no one else thinks this kind of outburst is any way acceptable.

What an utter cunt . I’m glad you are taking steps to end things . You deserve so much better .

Be strong OP. You are doing the right thing. He is a bully.

Well done OP. It can be so difficult to see what’s happening when you’re in the situation yourself, but from an outsider’s POV it’s extremely clear that he’s a violent, gaslighting, cruel abuser. And that he will get worse over time

You’re doing the best thing for yourself and your kids, well done you.

Good luck! I’ve been where you are and the other side is wonderful! 💐

Op, dont fall for the “living here but separately” malarky, its just a way of keeping control over you. A clean break is the only solution. Stay strong, anything he tries will be a way he is trying to maintain control. Keep thay always in the back of your mind. Good luck

Im taking steps now to get him to leave the house... permanently.

I’m so happy to hear this. He’s a pathetic, cowardly excuse for a man.

What is the housing situation, who’s name is on the tenancy / mortgage?

Good for you OP.
I appreciate it is difficult but that violent nasty man needs to leave you and your children in peace.
Don't hesitate to seek back up.

Gym addict eh .....is there a possibility he is using steroids? They call it roid-rage. I’d search his car/gym bag.

We have a joint mortgage so it will be complicated.

He is still maintaining he was justified in his behaviour

I don’t think it’s steroids, it’s his usual personality but will keep my open and have a look,

This is abuse.

He firstly has anger management issues.

He is also gaslighting you in trying to make you believe you’re at fault.

He is also showing narcissistic behaviour in the constant putting you down (narcissists do this so that you’ll feel crap about yourself, hoping that you’ll believe that nobody else will want you and will feel ‘blessed that this person is with you). And also in the not taking any accountability for his behaviour. Because a narcissist doesn’t ever believe they’ve behaved badly. They believe they are perfect. They have zero empathy and therefore don’t ever believe they need to apologise, because in their head they always believe they’re the victim.

I am glad you are trying to get rid.
Please look after yourself and your children whilst you’re going through this - keep yourself strong and don’t let your health suffer. I know how stressful it can be dealing with an abusive prick.

Do you have a support network? Anyone you can talk to that can support you whilst you’re dealing with finishing things with him?

Bloody hell he sounds scary OP. I hope you're going to leave him because this will escalate.